“We just need a little help, that’s all,” said Guo Huai. “The Qiang tribes are our friends, and they hate Shu too. If they attack, it’ll distract Zhuge Liang long enough for us to regroup and gather a bigger army.”
“Good idea,” agreed Cao Zhen, and scribbled a letter to Cheli Ji, king of the Qiang.
Cheli Ji was a law-abiding Wei subject who paid his taxes, saluted the flag, and just so happened to own a fleet of tanks. The letter, along with a sizable bribe, went through Prime Minister Ya Dan’s office, who brought it to his chief right away.
“Hmm,” said Cheli Ji. “Should we do it?”
“Absolutely,” said Ya Dan. “Us Qiangs and the Wei nation are friends with awesome benefits. How can we not help them?”
Cheli Ji was totally down, and soon the fleet of tanks was on its way to Xiping Pass, pulled by sturdy camels. Han Zhen, who was holding the pass, saw them coming in the distance and sent a frantic email to Zhuge Liang.
“Is he high?” said Zhuge Liang, reading the email and shaking his head.
“Sounds badass, though,” said Guan Xing and Zhang Bao. “Camels pulling tanks! Regular armies were getting boring. Let’s go!”
Zhuge Liang facepalmed. “Kids, you’re not running off alone into Qiang territory looking for camels pulling tanks. At least take Ma Dai with you, he knows the area.”
The three generals (and redshirts) marched for days, up mountains and down valleys, before they finally came in sight of Xiping Pass. Guan Xing looked out at the long line of heavy tanks, each pulled by a team of camels, and whistled. “He wasn’t kidding.”
Ma Dai scratched his head. “Uh, let’s sleep on this, I guess?”
The next morning, the tanks were still there, so the generals drew up their divisions – Guan Xing in the centre, Zhang Bao and Ma Dai to the left and right. From the Qiang lines rode forth their commander, Yue Ji, who twirled his iron mace. “Fight me!”
“Nah,” said Guan Xing. “Charge!”
The Shu troops charged, but the tank-drivers whipped their camels and an iron wave rushed forward. Arrows flew, the tanks crushed everything in their path, and Ma Dai and Zhang Bao scuttled away, leaving Guan Xing to get surrounded. He spun around desperately. On all sides there were iron wheels and ill-tempered camels.
“Fuck.” He tried to break free and make for the mountains, but Yue Ji blocked his path. “Stand and face me, boy!”
“Still no,” said Guan Xing, and ran faster. Yue Ji laughed and swung his mace, bringing it down hard on Guan Xing’s head. He mistimed it and it hit his horse’s ass instead, and the unfortunate horse went down – and tumbled over a cliff.
“Goddammit.” Guan Xing dragged himself out of the lake which, according to the laws of narrative, was waiting to receive him at the bottom. “Today sucks…”
Then he saw Yue Ji, picking his way down the cliff. “You’ll never get away!” called the barbarian general, when suddenly Zhang Bao appeared behind him and pushed him off the precipice.
Yue Ji hurtled towards Guan Xing, who held up his sword, trying to make a human kebab. But he missed by inches, and Yue Ji splashed into the water beside him.
“I’ll fight you now!” yelled Guan Xing, but Yue Ji shook his head, doggie-paddled his way to the shore, and ran off on foot.
Guan Xing dragged himself out of the lake and found, of all things, Yue Ji’s horse. “Where did you come from?” he asked it.
The horse made a shrugging motion. The last it knew, it had been tied to a post at the top of the cliff as Yue Ji was climbing down, and it was pretty sure it couldn’t survive a fall. Perhaps, it thought, it had been transported here by magic to rescue its master – but he hadn’t seen it and had run off on foot! This was all very strange.
“Well, I won’t look you in the mouth,” decided Guan Xing, and, jumping on the confused horse, he rode… up the cliff… and rejoined Zhang Bao and Ma Dai. “Guys? The continuity is getting really messed up. I’m scared.”
“I got no clue,” shrugged Ma Dai.
“Didn’t Zhuge Liang send you to be the adult?”
“He didn’t say anything about this shit,” said Ma Dai. “How about you two go home and ask him what to do?”
Guan Xing and Zhang Bao looked at each other, then nodded.
Zhuge Liang sighed. “Do you guys have to come crying to me every time there’s a little continuity error?”
“It’s more about the huge army of tanks,” said Guan Xing.
“Those camels are really mean,” added Zhang Bao.
“Fine,” said Zhuge Liang. “Zhao Yun, Wei Yan, ambushes. Jiang Wei, you’re coming with me. Zhang Yi too. Let’s go.”
The Shu leaders stood on the mountaintops and watched battalion after battalion of tanks roll in. “This’ll be a piece of cake,” said Zhuge Liang. “Ma Dai, Zhang Yi, here are your orders. Jiang Wei, let’s play a game. Can you guess my plan?”
“Um,” said Jiang Wei. “The Qiang are brave, but not too smart. You must be planning something… really genius?”
“I knew you’d fit right in at Shu,” smiled Zhuge Liang. “It’s going to snow. The all-natural anti-tank defense.”
Guan Xing and Zhang Bao left for their positions, and Jiang Wei went out to challenge the Qiang army. Zhuge Liang busily set up hundreds of flags in their empty camp, to make it look busy.
Jiang Wei waved at the tanks and the camel-drivers. “Hey! Over here!” Then he turned and ran for the camp, hiding at the very back.
The Qiang soldiers stopped outside, suspicious. They weren’t blind, and could tell that the camp was unmanned. All they could hear was the strumming of a guitar.
“This is really weird,” they said, and reported back to Ya Dan, who shook his head at them. “You guys, it’s one of his weird double bluffs. You should have taken the camp.” He rode to the obvious trap, where he saw Zhuge Liang stepping into his golf cart, a guitar slung over his shoulder. As soon as the door slammed, it tootled off towards the back of the camp. The tribesmen rushed after it, and it disappeared into a small forest behind the camp.
Ya Dan narrowed his eyes. “They have a forest, in their camp? Doesn’t matter. Let’s go. Keep your eyes open for ambushes.”
There were no ambushes in the forest, and as they burst through into the hills on the other side, they saw Jiang Wei disappearing into the distance.
By this time, the snow was deep, and it filled the gaps between the hills. The landscape looked like a plain, and Jiang Wei’s footprints were clear.
“Boss? There’s some enemy soldiers over there,” said a redshirt, pointing.
“Good,” growled Ya Dan. “After them!”
The soldiers raced forward, but as they came out onto the open hills, the white surface gave way under them, and they all tumbled into deep snowdrifts. The tanks careened after them, and the camels couldn’t stop in time. Soon, there was a massive pile-up of snow, soldiers, tanks, and very angry camels.
Some of the tanks managed to steer clear of the pits, but before they could help their friends, Guan Xing and Zhang Bao hit them from each side. Jiang Wei, Ma Dai, and Zhang Yi closed in.
Yue Ji managed to wriggle free and make for the mountains, but before he could take three steps, Guan Xing stabbed him in the back.
Yang Da was captured and taken to Zhuge Liang, who untied him and poured him a drink. “I’ve heard good things about you Qiang,” he said. “So why are you helping the rebels, not the Lius?”
“I dunno,” said Yang Da. “This Emperor, that Emperor. You Han people are confusing.”
“Tell you what,” said Zhuge Liang. “I let you go, and you promise never to fight me again.”
“Deal,” said Yang Da. He packed up his things, dug the tanks out of the snow, turned them around, and left.
“That takes care of that,” said Zhuge Liang, and wrote a glowing report to Liu Shan.
Meanwhile, Cao Zhen was twiddling his thumbs and getting nervous. Finally, he saw the Shu camp breaking up, and the army marching towards the pass.
“The Qiang made their move!” said Guo Huai. “Quick, hit’em from behind!”
Cao Zun jumped on his horse and led the pursuit, but just as he was catching up, he heard a drumroll. Wei Yan appeared in front of him.
“Halt! Surrender!” called Wei Yan.
“Caos don’t surrender!” answered Cao Zun.
“I have the drop on you,” pointed out Wei Yan.
“Whatever,” said Cao Zun, and impaled himself on Wei Yan’s sword.
Meanwhile, on the other side, Zhu Zan was similarly running against Zhao Yun’s spear. It was very cool, but ultimately unhelpful, and Cao Zhen didn’t really see any upside at all.
“We’re retreating,” he said to Guo Huai, and they turned to leave – only to come face to face with Guan Xing and Zhang Bao. The two young generals surrounded them.
“The hell?” said Guo Huai. “How did you guys even get here?”
“Continuity’s wonky at the moment,” smirked Guan Xing. “So we took advantage. Surrender!”
“Not on your life,” snapped Cao Zhen, and, redoubling his efforts, managed to break free. He led what soldiers he could hold together to the River Wei, crossed to their own side, and sent an urgent SOS to Cao Rui.
“Oh shit,” said Cao Rui. “Who can beat this guy?”
“You’re the emperor,” said Hua Xin. “You should do it in person.”
“I’m not really a military guy,” said Cao Rui. “Being a borderline child emperor and all.”
“Kid, you’re right,” said Zhong Yao, the Imperial Babysitter. “But there is one guy.”
“Who?”
“Like Sun Tzu says,” continued Zhong Yao, “Know yourself, know the enemy, and you won’t fuck up.”
“Who’s the guy?”
“Cao Zhen’s solid, but not a genius, and we need a genius to beat Zhuge Liang.”
“Okay, what genius?”
“You might not want to hear it,” said Zhong Yao.
“I was fine at first, but when you’re beating around the bush this much, it’s a bad sign,” said Cao Rui. “But I trust you. Who’s the guy?”
“Sima Yi.”
“The guy who said I suck?”
“Who allegedly said you suck,” pointed out Zhong Yao. “It was probably Zhuge Liang’s plot from the beginning. He’s not doing anything right now, just sitting in Wancheng, wasting his big brain.”
“I feel kinda bad about that,” said Cao Rui. “Give him his titles back, and some new ones for good measure. Put him in charge of the army. He’s not mad, is he?”
In Qishan, Zhuge Liang was scheming at his desk, when Li Yan’s son Feng came in. “Hey, boss? News!”
“Shit, did Wu invade?” said Zhuge Liang.
“Wu? No, why would they?” said Li Feng. “I actually have good news. Remember my dad’s old buddy Meng Da?”
“The one who backstabbed us and caused the deaths of Guan Yu and Liu Feng?”
“Yeah, him,” said Li Feng. “He didn’t really mean to, you know. He deeply regrets it and wants to come home.”
“Meaning, Cao Pi died and Cao Rui hasn’t promoted him, so he’s come crawling back?”
“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.”
“That’s fantastic!” grinned Zhuge Liang.
“Even better, he’s at Xincheng with an army, and is just waiting for you to attack Changan. He’ll handle Luoyang.”
“Perfect,” said Zhuge Liang, and was just giving Li Feng a nice tip when another messenger came in. “Mr. Prime Minister! Cao Rui’s recalled Sima Yi from exile and put him in charge of the army.”
“That’s not great,” said Zhuge Liang. “Ma Su, what do you think?”
“About Cao Rui?” said Ma Su. “If he sets foot outside Luoyang, we’ll capture him.”
“No, you idiot, Sima Yi.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Ma Su. “I guess we should warn Meng Da.”
Meng Da opened the letter and smiled. “I knew Zhuge Liang would be on the ball. Glad he’s not mad anymore.” He quickly scribbled a reply.
Thanks for the heads-up, but I’m not scared of Sima Yi. He’s almost three hundred miles away, and it’ll take a month for him to finish the paperwork before he can attack me. I’ll be ready.
Zhuge Liang ripped up the letter, threw it in the trash can, pulled it out, stomped on it, set it on fire, and flushed it down the toilet. “Idiot! He’s a dead man! Does he really think Sima Yi will wait till the paperwork is finished?”
“What makes you say that?” said Ma Su, gaping.
“Having half a brain! Where’s the mailman? There you are. Go tell Meng Da to keep his head down and be on guard!”
In Wancheng, Sima Yi was dabbing his eyes delicately with a handkerchief and sighing.
“Daddy, why are you so sad?” asked Sima Shi.
“You wouldn’t understand, kiddo,” said his father.
“I do,” said Sima Shi. “You’re crying because Zhuge Liang is invading, but the Emperor won’t let you fight him.”
“You’re right, son,” said Sima Yi, but suddenly all of Sima Zhao’s eyes rolled back into his head, then turned black.
F̰̪ͬͅa̴̫̱̥̍̂̽͒̎͑͛t͓͉̔̏h͕̣͒̾̿̑̄̚e̼͇̻̯̱͛ͫ̃͒r̛͖͈̰̂!͕̞̼ͤͭ̕ ̷͔̬͈̯͉͈̮̇ͤ̏͛̚S̾͠ọ̞͍̼ͭͥͭ̆ͦ̌͒o͔̦̩ͫnͥ̎̾̿ ͉̠̤y̭̜͎͍͎͎ͧͥ̍ͬͯ́ͨo̪ͤ͞ͅụ̯͚̺̻̟̜ͥ͑ͯ͂̆͠ ͈̖̣̫̙̮ͮ̊ͮ͑͑ͦ̑w̢͍̜̗̺̒ͫͤ̄̉i̭̩̟̲̦ͪͧͣͮ͊̽ͩ͘l͖̫l̮̦̪̳̻̂̽̆͊̃ͯ͢ ̡̘͎̮̺̲͉̭r̙͈̰̖͙ͯ͌͆ͥͅͅǐ͖̗̯͇̝̠s̨͉̔̾͊̊ͥͤe̯ͮ͗ͨ̀̚ ̓ͪ̾͗͆̃ͅǎ͎̤̮̙͆͗ͯ̌gͮ̂ͩͣ̋͋̉҉͙̟a̧̮͇͐ͦi̖͋͐̎n̰̰̟̫̄̾̊̆̽ͦ̓ͅ!̹̩̮͈̀ͭ̋́́ͫͅ ͣ̀̋͏͚̜̙̱͚̯N͍̖̪̻̺̽͗ő̖͉ͤ͑t̝̖̭̖̞ͥ͗̎̾h͙ͪi͈͕͎̖̘ͬ̄̌͑̋ͫͅn̛͉̺ͦg̡̳̬̭͊̄ ̛̻̜͚w͋ͮ͏͕i̸͔͉̭̘͆ͯͯ̔̊́ĺ̏̒͘l̦̻ͣ̍̏ͥ͜ ̷̲͓̮̞̂͆ͪ̎͋͒ͨŵ̬̙̗͖͎̹́i̮̦͉ͫͪ͡t͔̘͎̜̬h̪̲̘̝̜̰̎̇̂̎ͨ̉͆s̛̻͙̀̈́ͯͅt̸͕̩̲̒͊̽ͬ̄̑a͜n̦̮̗̍d͕͔͔̤̘̼̈̾͠ ͭ̆̾̉ͤ̊y̬̫͕̙͚͎̐ͅo̼̜͍͚͂ͤ͗̋u̦͢!̢͙̭͎ͫͥ
“Really?” said Sima Yi. “That’s awesome! Any details?”
Just then, Cao Rui’s messenger knocked at the door. “Mr. Sima? Message for you from the Emperor!”
Back in the game, Sima Yi immediately began to muster his troops. A few days later, Governor Shen Yi sent him a message.
I have these two guys here who work for Meng Da, and they say he’s about to defect back to Shu.
Sima Yi slapped his forehead. “Thank Heaven I know now! Do you have any idea how close this was? Zhuge Liang’s almost at Luoyang! Cao Rui will have to retreat to Changan, and if Meng Da moved to take it, Wei would be 100% screwed. But now I can move to stop Meng Da.”
“Better start the paperwork right away!” said Sima Shi.
“You’re kidding, right?’ said Sima Yi. “That would take a month! Liang Ji, go to Meng Da and tell him I need his help. Don’t let him suspect anything.” He followed behind Liang Ji, and soon ran into Xu Huang.
“Oh, there you are!” said Xu Huang. “The Emperor’s already gone to Changan! What’s going on over here?”
Sima Yi put his finger to his lips. “Meng Da’s about to rebel,” he whispered. “I’m going to stop him.”
Xu Huang whistled. “Didn’t see that one coming. I’ll join you.”
A couple days later, they spotted a mailman on the road and put him in handcuffs immediately. Sima Yi read Zhuge Liang’s reply, and his monocle popped out.
“This sure is a lot of cuss words,” he said to the mailman. “Care to give me a little context? I’ll reward you with, oh, your life.”
The mailman told him everything, and Sima Yi smiled and twirled his mustache.
Meng Da left his fifth voicemail for Shen Yi and Shen Dan. “Guys! We need to get moving!”
Finally, one of them texted him back. “We told you, can’t get enough trucks.”
“Fine,” he answered, and resumed his pacing. That’s when Liang Ji arrived.
“Sit down, have dinner,” said Meng Da nervously. “What does Sima Yi say?”
“He’s just leaving for Changan, and wants you to join him,” answered the envoy.
Meng Da relaxed. That night, when Liang Ji was asleep, he sent another message to Shen Yi and Shen Dan.
Guys, change your Wei flags for Han flags tomorrow. We’re going to Luoyang.
Early the next morning, a redshirt woke him up. “Boss, there’s an army coming towards us.”
“Army?” He went to the window, and saw Xu Huang outside. “Fuck! Raise the drawbridge!”
Xu Huang glared at him from the other side of the moat. “Surrender, you traitor!”
Meng Da snapped. He grabbed a crossbow from a guard and shot Xu Huang directly in the centre of the forehead.
Both of them froze, staring at each other, then Xu Huang fell backwards. His redshirts scrambled to get him to safety, and with a sudden rush of confidence, Meng Da led his soldiers out in a glorious charge. The shocked Wei army was driven back, and Meng Da was just thinking he might come out on top, when Sima Yi and the bulk of his army appeared on the horizon.
“Shit.” Meng Da scurried back into the city and closed the gate. Soon, he was completely surrounded by an impenetrable wall of soldiers, and he looked out in despair. “Zhuge Liang was right…”
“I need a doctor,” said Xu Huang, through gritted teeth.
“You’ve got an arrow sticking out of your head,” said his men. “Bit late for that, isn’t it?”
“I’m not just going to give up and die!” he snapped. “Doctor, do something.”
“I can pull it out?” shrugged the doctor.
“Pull it, then.”
The doctor tentatively pulled on the arrow. It came out, Xu Huang’s brains with it, and he fell down dead. “Well, I tried…”
“This is why you slow down for your death scenes,” said a judge severely. “None of this ‘I want to live’ nonsense. Have some last words ready, or at least do it dramatically.”
The Shens arrived the next day, and Meng Da popped out of the gate and waved. “There you guys are! Give me a hand-”
Shen Yan rolled his eyes and shot an arrow at him. “Surrender, rebel!”
Meng Da gasped and turned to go back inside – but the gate was locked. He looked up, and saw his lieutenant Li Fu and his nephew Deng Xian waving white flags. “We surrender! We surrender!”
Meng Da jumped on a horse and tried to run for it, but he was already surrounded. Soon his head was on a pike, and Sima Yi was marching into his city. When everything calmed down, Sima Yi sent a detailed report to Cao Rui along with the completed paperwork and an apology note for the delay.
“This is great!” said Cao Rui. “Hang up Meng Da’s body in the biggest supermarket in Luoyang. Promote everybody involved. Where’s Sima Yi!”
“Here,” said Sima Yi, bowing and stroking his whiskers.
“I’m sorry I ever doubted you,” said Cao Rui.
“And I’m sorry I attacked without permission and didn’t finish the paperwork,” said Sima Yi.
“Are you joking?” said Cao Rui. “From now on, you never have to do paperwork again. Heck, you don’t have to ask permission ever again. Here, have a golden axe. Have two. Who do you want as your second-in-command?”
“Uh, Zhang He?” said Sima Yi.
“You can have him. Now go kick Zhuge Liang’s ass!”
Sima Yi bowed again and smiled.
Saxo Dramaticus 