Chapter 93. In which there is a very literal war of words.

“There’s only one basic siege strategy,” explained Jiang Wei. “They stand out front and go ‘neener, neener’ till we can’t take it any more and attack them. Then they ambush the attack and break into the city while the sortie force is outside. So we’ll take advantage of that, and ambush his ambush instead. Be on the lookout, keep communicating, and we’ll be fine. With a little luck, we’ll capture Zhuge Liang himself!”

“I love it,” said Ma Zun. “You take the ambush, Liang Qian and I lead the sortie. Liang Xu, Yin Xang, you guys guard the city.”

Meanwhile, Zhao Yun was right outside the city, hiding behind a bush. As soon as he saw the Governor leave, he rallied his troops and led them in a valiant stroll up to the walls of Tianshui.

“I am Zhao Yun!” he roared. “Surrender now, if you know what’s good for you!”

Liang Xu stuck his head over the wall. “Little do you know, this is a trap!” he called helpfully.

“What?” said Zhao Yun, but Yin Xang violently elbowed his colleague, who shut up.

Seconds later, a massive fireball exploded in the distance, and out from its heart, in slow motion, rode a young warrior. “I am Jiang Wei! Fight me!”

Zhao Yun thrust his spear at him, but Jiang Wei parried it easily. The two warriors fought several epic rounds, neither of them able to overcome the other. “Wow,” thought Zhao Yun, in spite of himself. “This guy’s pretty good.” 

Just when it was getting really exciting, Ma Zun and Liang Qian suddenly closed in from either side. “Shit,” said Zhao Yun. He he managed to cut his way out and escape, but the battle was unquestionably lost. Zhao Yun trudged back and reported everything – both the mysterious badass, and the unusual intelligence of their enemies. Zhuge Liang was impressed.

“Who was that, and how on earth did he see the dark depths of my secret plan?” he gasped, turning to a local ally.

“It wasn’t that dark or deep, was it?” said the local. “Pretty standard siege tactic. Anyway, that was Jiang Wei. He’s well known around here as a stand-up guy with plenty of common sense.”

“Not bad with a spear either,” said Zhao Yun.

Zhuge Liang whistled. “He has it all. I never thought I’d find a guy like this! That’s it, we’re taking over Tianshui, if only to capture him. Finally, a challenge!”

---

“He’ll be coming back,” said Jiang Wei. “We need to be ready. Let’s have troops in waiting on each side of the city.” Ma Zun agreed that that was the smart thing to do.

The next day, Zhuge Liang gave the redshirts a pep talk. “As soon as we reach the walls of the city, we charge! Don’t wait around and overthink it.”

“Yes, boss!” said the redshirts. They raced ahead, then stopped dead when they saw just how many flags were flying from the city. “Wow…”

Zhuge Liang facepalmed. “Guys. They’re just flags. Now we lost our momentum!”

“But it’s scary,” said the redshirts.

“Fine,” snapped Zhuge Liang. “Set up camp, and we’ll try this again tomorrow.”

In the middle of the night, they suddenly heard battle-cries all around them. Everyone, officers and redshirts alike, rolled out of their tents and saw, to their horror, that they were surrounded by roaring flames. The Wei soldiers were hidden in the shadows, but the garrison yelled from the top of the city and shot arrows. 

The Shu army panicked. The redshirts dropped everything and ran; the officers barely had time to jump onto their horses. Guan Xing and Zhang Bao grabbed Zhuge Liang. “Let’s get out of here!”

Zhuge Liang ran with them, but his eyes were aglow. “Fire!” he breathed. “They’re using fire!” Turning around, he saw a company of horsemen chasing after them, each with a torch in hand.

“It’s beautiful,” he said. “Guan Xing, ride back and find out who’s leading them.”

Guan Xing turned around, rode up to the pursuing enemy, and called out “Who’s in charge here?” Just as the others reached their old camp, he returned, slightly battered, with the answer. “It’s Jiang Wei. Who else?”

Zhuge Liang instantly got a boner. “A true genius!”

Guan Xing and Zhang Bao exchanged glances. “So… what do we do now?”

“I’m going to have a long think about this,” said Zhuge Liang, heading for his tent. “Don’t disturb me.”

A while later, he came out (looking rather disheveled) and immediately called in the local allies. “Where can I find Jiang Wei’s mom?”

“Jicheng,” they said, confused.

“Great. Wei Yan, I need you to go take an army and pretend to attack Jicheng. If Jiang Wei shows up, pretend not to see him and let him in. Where are the supplies for Tianshui? Shanggui? Okay, Zhao Yun, you take that one. Oh, and I need to find someone who looks exactly like Jiang Wei. For, uh, reasons.”

---

“My mom’s in danger!” said Jiang Wei, horrified. “Let me take some soldiers and relieve Jicheng!”

“That’s terrible!” said Ma Zun. “Of course, take some redshirts and go rescue her.” 

Jiang Wei grabbed three thousand redshirts and rushed to Jicheng, where, after a surprisingly easy fight with Wei Yan, he broke past the siege and got inside.

Meanwhile, Liang Qian rode to recapture Shanggui, and was also pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t too difficult.

And behind the Shu lines, Zhuge Liang had Xiahou Mao dragged before him. “Are you afraid of death?”

“Obviously, duh,” said Xiahou Mao. “Please don’t kill me!”

Zhuge Liang held up a blank sheet of paper. “Well, I have this letter from Jiang Wei promising to surrender if I let you go. Is it a deal? If I let you live, can I have him?”

“Yeah, sure,” said Xiahou Mao. “Just let me live.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” said Zhuge Liang. “You can put your clothes back on. Now scram!”

Xiahou Mao jumped on a horse and galloped away in a panic, soon finding himself lost. The roads all looked the same in these rural parts. Finally, he caught up with a band of refugees – at least, they looked like refugees, and Xiahou Mao assumed that they were.

“We’re from Jicheng,” they told him. “Jiang Wei went over to Zhuge Liang, and the Shu soldiers are burning and plundering the city. We barely escaped with our lives!”

“Well fuck,” said Xiahou Mao. “Is Tianshui still standing?”

“Yeah, Ma Zun is in charge there.”

Xiahou Mao spurred his horse, riding past more and more refugees until he finally got to Tianshui and collapsed on Ma Zun’s doorstep.

“Jiang Wei surrendered?” gasped Ma Zun. “I can’t believe it!”

“Whether you believe it or not, he has,” said Xiahou Mao.

“It could all be a trick,” pointed out Liang Xu. “Or, like you said, it was to save you. Either way, let’s not jump to conclusions-”

Just then, drums rolled, bombs exploded, and Shu troops swarmed the walls. Through the smoke rode a familiar figure.

“Xiahou Mao!” shouted Jiang Wei’s body double. “I surrendered to save you! Why are you breaking your word?”

“Wait, my word to do what?” Xiahou Mao called back.

“You sent me a letter asking me to surrender to save your dumb ass!”

“I didn’t!” said Xiahou Mao. “Wait, even if I did, which of my actions broke my word to do anything? Be specific.”

“You broke your oath as a commander!” yelled the body double.

“By escaping? By coming to Tianshui? How?”

“Your honour as a gentleman!” tried the beleaguered body double, wishing Zhuge Liang had explained this in more detail. “Anyway, they gave me a much better job! They appreciate me! It’s almost double the salary. I have dental! Why should I come back to you?”

“Traitor,” spat Xiahou Mao. That was the end of the argument, and the battle raged on till dawn.

---

Zhuge Liang led the main army to Jicheng, which dwarfed the small city. There wasn’t much food inside, and soon the people began to starve. Jiang Wei looked over the wall one morning and saw several grain wagons temptingly close to the walls.

“There’s our dinner,” he said, and grabbing some elite commandos, he led a lighting assault and captured the wagons easily. “Bring them inside!”

The commandos got behind the grain wagons and started to push. Inch by inch, they rolled towards the city, but before they’d moved more than a few metres, Zhang Yi and Wang Ping suddenly hit them from both sides. Jiang Wei’s spear was a blur. Even the wind from his blows sent redshirts flying, and soon he found himself clear. He ran for the city gates – only to skid to a halt when he saw a Shu flag flying from the roof.

“I captured it when you weren’t looking!” called Wei Yan, thumbing his nose. Jiang Wei swore, turned his horse around, and made for Tianshui. Just when he thought he was clear of the besieging forces, Zhang Bao appeared out of nowhere and killed his few remaining commandos. Panicked and bleeding, Jiang Wei rode to Tianshui alone.

“Weren’t you just here?” said the guards.

“What? No? Go tell Ma Zun I’m here.”

“After what he did last night?” said Ma Zun. “The nerve! Shoot him.”

Horrified, Jiang Wei rode out of bowshot. “What the hell, you guys?” But before he could figure out what was going on, a battalion of Shu soldiers caught up with him and he fled once more. 

The only place left for him to run was Shanggui, so there he went. “Liang Qian! I’m in trouble! Let me in!”

“Screw you, you traitor,” said Liang Qian. “I know you surrendered! Now you’re trying to trick me? Fuck off.”

“But-” began Jiang Wei, but then the arrows began to fly. He backed off hastily and made for Changan in tears.

He didn’t get far. As soon as he reached a wood, Guan Xing and a whole battalion of soldiers stepped out from between the trees. Jiang Wei’s heart sank. There were far too many, and both he and his horse were exhausted. He turned around, and came face to face with a golf cart.

Zhuge Liang fluttered his fan. “So? Do you surrender?”

“Well, you’ve destroyed my whole life and permanently alienated me from all previous relationships,” said Jiang Wei. “I don’t have much choice, do I?”

“I only did it out of love!” said Zhuge Liang, squeezing his hand.  I’ve been looking for someone like you my whole life!”

“That’s cool, I guess,” said Jiang Wei.

“So, my place or yours?” said Zhuge Liang. “Ha, ha. Camp’s thataway.”

---

“And now for business,” said Zhuge Liang. “Tianshui and Shanggui, and how to capture them. Ideas?”

“Yin Xang and Liang Xu are my BFFs,” said Jiang Wei. “I’ll write to them and convince them to switch sides.”

“Worth a try,” said Zhuge Liang, so Jiang Wei wrote two letters and had them shot over the city walls tied to arrows.

Ma Zun read both letters in horror, then showed them to Xiahou Mao. “What should we do?”

“Kill both of them, just to be safe,” said Xiahou Mao.

Yin Xang tiptoed away from the door, where he was listening, and found Liang Xu at once. “They think we’re betraying them! They’ll kill us!”

“Shit, what can we do?” said Liang Xu.

“Betray them, duh.”

That night, Xiahou Mao lined up guards just inside his room, then called them to come see him. Their phones rang and rang, and he left half a dozen voicemails before realizing that something was up. By then, Yin Xang and Liang Xu and their men had already fought their way through the gate guards, and the Shu army was pouring in the open gates.

Xiahou Mao and Ma Zun barely made it out the back door and disappeared into Qiang country with a handful of loyalists as Zhuge Liang strolled into the Governor’s house. “That was great, guys. Just Shanggui left.”

“I’ll write to my brother, he’s in charge there,” said Liang Xu. Sure enough, Liang Qian surrendered at once.

“Perfect,” said Zhuge Liang. “All right, Liang Xu, you’re in charge of Tianshui. Yin Xang, you get Jicheng, and Liang Qian, hang on to Shanggui.”

“Do I get anything?” said Jiang Wei hopefully.

“You’re staying with me,” purred Zhuge Liang, stroking his arm.

“So, are we going to chase down Xiahou Mao, or what?” asked Zhao Yun.

“That lame duck? Nah. I have my phoenix right here.” He winked, pointing at Jiang Wei.

---

After that, city after city surrendered without a fight. The Shu army steamrolled on, soon reaching the bank of the River Wei. Frantic scouts messengers rode north, bringing the news to Cao Rui, who burst into tears.

“But I just named this era ‘Calm Peace!’” he sobbed. “I’m the Emperor!”

“It doesn’t quite work that way,” said the ministers nervously. “Xiahou Mao lost three cities, and now he’d hiding out with the Qiangs. The enemy’s already reached Qishan.”

“I’ll send an army right away!” said Cao Rui. “Who volunteers to lead?”

“I volunteer Cao Zhen,” said Wang Lang.

“Cao Zhen, of course,” said Cao Rui. “Go kick ass!”

“Huh? Me?” said Cao Zhen, looking up from his phone.

“You heard me, go defeat this invasion.”

“That’s a bit of a tall order,” said Cao Zhen. “I’m not that great.”

“I’ll go with you,” offered Wang Lang.

“Tell you what,” said Cao Zhen. “I’ll go if I can take Guo Huai, too.”

“Sure,” said Cao Rui. “All three of you go. Good luck! Wait, how old are you, Wang Lang? Seventy-six?”

“Yeah,” said Wang Lang. “Why, are you going to do the whole ‘you-are-too-old-to-fight-grandpa’ thing?”

“No, no, just curious.”

Besides those two, Cao Zhen grabbed his brother Cao Zun, another general named Zhu Zan, and two hundred thousand of the best redshirts. The army marched to the riverbank and camped, not far from the Shu lines.

Cao Zhen called a council of war. “What’s the best opening move?”

“We could try talking to them like adults,” suggested Wang Lang.

Cao Zhen stared. “Are you serious?”

“You bet I’m serious,” said Wang Lang. “When we line up tomorrow, I’ll ride out and talk to Zhuge Liang. Hopefully, I can get him to see reason.”

“That just might be crazy enough to work,” said Cao Zhen. “We’ll line up bright and early tomorrow, dressed in our best uniforms and with our most intimidating flags, and you can give it a shot.”

The next morning, the Shu soldiers looked out at the imposing ranks of the Wei veterans. These were nothing like Xiahou Mao’s amateurs. Out rode the Grand Commander, Cao Zhen, and behind him the elderly minister. Guo Huai brought up the rear.

“Let me talk to the manager!” called Wang Lang. In response, Guan Xing and Zhang Bao stepped out of the Shu lines, followed by a golf cart.

Zhuge Liang calmly drove up to the enemy generals, rolled down his window, and fluttered his fan with the utmost dignity. When he saw Wang Lang’s face, he knew he was going to get a lecture.

“I am the manager,” he said.

“Nice to meet you, sir,” said Wang Lang. “I’ve always heard you were a hero and one of the good guys. So why, exactly, are you leading an invasion?”

“What do you mean, an invasion?” retorted Zhuge Liang. “I have here an order from the Emperor saying to destroy all rebels. That would be you.”

“We’re not rebels,” said Wang Lang. “The whole country was full of rebels from Chapter One. The Yellow Scarves – remember them? Dong Zhuo. Li Jue and Guo Si. The Yuans. Lu Bu. Liu Biao. And who put a stop to that? It wasn’t the so-called ‘hero,’ it was Cao Cao. That’s literally how the Mandate of Heaven works. If you keep on attacking like this, we’ll unfortunately have to destroy you. But if you lay down your arms now, we’re willing to be reasonable. No one has to get hurt.”

Zhuge Liang laughed.

“I’d always heard good things about you. Never thought you’d say such bullshit. Sure, there were a lot of rebellions. Whatever. You know who gave you your fancy job? The Lius. You know who let you rise through the ranks? The Lius. You worked for them for so long, and now you’re spouting Wei propaganda? Fuck off! You’re dying soon anyway, but I think I’ll hurry it up a little. Let’s see what you say to all the Han emperors in hell!”

“You are an impudent rascal,” snapped Wang Lang.

Zhuge Liang rolled his eyes. “Okay, boomer.”

With a loud squawk, Wang Lang dropped off his horse like a stone, killed by the sheer force of the sick burn.

Zhuge Liang’s eyes went wide for a second, but he quickly recovered. “Behold what my magic powers can do!” he said, pointing to Cao Zhen. “I’m letting you live, for the sole purpose of kicking your ass tomorrow.” He turned his golf cart around and drove away without another word.

Cao Zhen dismounted and shook Wang Lang, but the old man was truly gone. He looked helplessly at the judges. “What the hell, guys?”

The judges were also shaking their heads in disbelief. “We’ll give him a decent score,” said one of them.

Cao Zhen sent Wang Lang’s body home, then got to planning. “He’s going to make a night attack,” said Guo Huai.

“Definitely,” agreed Cao Zhen. “Let’s have an ambush out there waiting for him. Two ambushes.” He turned to Cao Zun and Zhu Zan. “You guys, go outside and wait. If they attack, they’ll leave their camp mostly undefended, and then you two can take it. But don’t try unless you’re sure they’re gone.” He himself and Guo Huai led the ambush forces outside, and they left just a few soldiers inside to light campfires and make a lot of noise.

Meanwhile, Zhuge Liang called in Zhao Yun and Wei Yan. “You two are making a night attack tonight.”

“But Cao Zhen’s no fool,” pointed out Wei Yan. “He’ll be ready for us.”

“Yes, it’s a trick,” said Zhuge Liang. “He’ll attack the camp why the troops are away. So here’s what you should do: ride out past them, and make sure they see you. When you get past them, stop and hide. Wait for my signal. Then, Zhao Yun doubles back and meets the Wei army, but let them pass. They’ll get confused and attack each other in the dark.” Next, he called in Zhang Bao and Guan Xing. “Hide by the side of the road, and let the Wei troops pass. Then, when they’re gone, follow their footprints back to their camp.” He stationed Ma Dai, Wang Ping, and Zhangs Yi and Ni around the camp, and waited. Zhuge Liang himself made a nice, big bowl of popcorn and settled down with Jiang Wei to watch the fun.

That night, Cao Zun and Zhu Zan went to their places. Just before it got dark, Cao Zhen saw movement in front of the Shu camp and smiled. “Guo Huai was right.” He pushed forward, and soon reached the Shu camp. It seemed quiet.

“May as well make a dramatic entry,” he said to himself, and kicked down the gate.

The camp was empty.

“Fuck! A trap!” he shrieked, and immediately backed away. But before he got more than a few steps, a bonfire suddenly flared up in front of him.

“Oh no! They’re in trouble!” yelled Zhu Zan, and charged forward. The two armies ran smack into each other, and in the dark, they took each other for Shu troops and began punching and stabbing. The two commanders laid about heroically, looking for the enemy leader to fight – until they simultaneously found him.

“Oh, no…” said Cao Zun.

“This is awkward,” muttered Zhu Zan.

“Ceasefire! Ceasefire!” both screamed at the top of their lungs. As the redshirts paused in confusion, they were suddenly hit from four sides. 

Cao Zun and Zhu Zan grabbed as many soldiers as they could and scrambled onto the road, running for their base. Then, just when they thought they were clear, Zhao Yun loomed in front of them.

“What’s the hurry?” he called. “Your death is right here!”

“Nope,” they said, and ran on. A few minutes later, they ran into Wei Yan, who skipped the trash talk and went straight to beating them up. They escaped by the skin of their teeth, made it back to camp, and started pounding on the gates.

“Here’s the raid. Right on schedule,” said the guards, and lit the signal fires. Instantly, Cao Zhen and Guo Huai hit them from behind.

It took some time for them all to realize their mistake. When everyone started finding people they knew and going “Oh shit!” the battle slowed down, and Wei Yan, Guan Xing, and Zhang Bao made their move. The entire Wei army gave up, and ran like rabbits for three miles, losing many of their leaders; luckily for them, none of the ones with names.

“That sucked,” said Cao Zhen, when they were finally clear. “Let’s get moving, back to camp. Go slowly, be careful. Guo Huai, what do you think? Can we recover from this?”

Guo Huai shrugged philosophically. “Win some, lose some. That was pretty normal.”

“That was absolutely not normal,” said Cao Zhen.

“Whatever,” said Guo Huai. “Shake it off. Next time it’ll be our turn, and I have a pretty good plan for a little dividing and conquering of our own…”

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