“Now, try not to be too doom-and-gloom,” warned Lu Su. “Don’t go all ‘Cao Cao is an unstoppable force of nature with the biggest army ever fielded.’”
Zhuge Liang rolled his eyes. “Of course not. I know what I’m doing.”
When they arrived, Lu Su dropped Zhuge Liang off in the guest house and went straight to see Sun Quan, who was in the middle of a meeting.
“Oops, am I interrupting?”
“Definitely not,” said Sun Quan. “Glad you’re back. What happened?”
“I haven’t had time to write it up yet,” said Lu Su. “I just walked in the door.”
“Okay, that can wait,” said Sun Quan, pulling out a letter. “We just got Cao Cao’s answer.”
I have a million redshirts, and I’m going to kick Liu Bei’s ass. If you want in, we’ll split Jingzhou. I already did most of the work, but if you join me you can have half.
Lu Su read it and frowned. “Are you going to take him up on that?”
“I don’t know,” said Sun Quan. “That’s what this meeting’s all about.”
“Cao Cao is absolutely terrifying,” said Zhang Zhao. “We can’t stand up to him. Plus, he’s the legitimate Prime Minister. We aren’t rebels, after all. We should join him.”
“He’s right,” said everyone except Lu Su.
Sun Quan didn’t say a word.
“What are you waiting for?” urged Zhang Zhao.
Sun Quan shook his head undecidedly and walked out of the room. None of his counselors moved, but Lu Su followed him.
“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you alone,” said Sun Quan, grabbing Lu Su’s hand and holding it. “What do you think?”
“None of those guys care about you,” said Lu Su. “Not like I do.”
“I know that,” said Sun Quan. “But what does that have to do with-”
“Think about it,” said Lu Su. “They can surrender, but you can’t.”
“Huh?”
“What does Cao Cao do when he takes over a province?” said Lu Su. “He gives all the underlings promotions, or if they don’t want them, he lets them go home. But what about you? If you’re lucky, you’ll get exiled to some backwater. Or you might end up like Liu Zong. All those guys out there are looking after their own skins.”
Sun Quan looked back at the boardroom door. “You’re right,” he said, slowly.
“I told you, I’ll see you Emperor one day,” insisted Lu Su. “Stand up to Cao Cao! I know you can do it!”
“What would I do without you?” sighed Sun Quan.
A few minutes later, they got back to the topic at hand. “Cao Cao’s occupying Jingzhou,” said Sun Quan. “I’m not sure how strong he is, but I’m pretty sure the answer is ‘very.’”
“I brought Zhuge Liang back with me,” panted Lu Su. “He’s in the guest house.”
“You brought the Sleeping Dragon?”
“Yep, him.”
“Awesome,” said Sun Quan. “It’s, uh, too late to talk to him today. I’ll call another meeting tomorrow to welcome him and negotiate and stuff. Can we fade to black now?”
“We just left everybody else hanging in the middle of that meeting-”
“Screw them,” said Sun Quan impatiently. “Fade to black.”
The next morning, Lu Su knocked on Zhuge Liang’s door. “Sun Quan wants to see you. Try not to scare him, okay?”
“I told you, I know what I’m doing,” said Zhuge Liang, smirking.
All the officials wore their tallest hats and their widest belts to greet the envoy. Zhuge Liang greeted them all in turn, and everyone was so struck by his confidence that the decided to take him down a peg or two.
“So I hear you compare yourself to Einstein,” said Zhang Zhao. “And you turned down your first two job offers from Liu Bei. Liu Bei said he wanted to take over Jingzhou, and he thought you’d help him do it. And now he just got his ass kicked, and Cao Cao has Jingzhou.”
“This is Sun Quan’s right-hand man,” thought Zhuge Liang. “I can’t let him out-debate me.”
Aloud, he said: “Liu Bei was too nice and honourable to take over another Liu’s territory. Liu Zong was the idiot who surrendered to Cao Cao. And look what happened to him.”
“That’s one way to look at it,” said Zhang Zhao. “But here’s how I see it: you used to sit around in your farmhouse, calling yourself a genius and saying you could take over the world if you could only be bothered. Liu Bei hired you, and you were so confident you could turn him into an unstoppable force that would restore the glory of the Han, blah blah blah. And now look! You and Liu Bei have been running like rabbits. You lost Xinye – actually, that barely counts, you burned it down yourselves. You lost Fankou. You lost Dangyang. Now you’re hiding out in Xiakou and begging us for help.”
That was entirely true, so Zhuge Liang opted for ‘surreal.’ He laughed out loud. “You’re just a regular bird, so you can’t possibly understand dignified, majestic cranes like us. What do doctors do when a patient is sick? I’ll tell you: first, he gives the guy opiates till he’s out cold. Then he feeds him roast beef and gives him the really good drugs till he feels better. That’s how I operate. Liu Bei got his ass kicked for a while, but even with a thoroughly kicked ass we managed to set things on fire. Plus, we were lugging around a bunch of homeless people from those fires, so how could we fight? Wars get lost all the time. True heroes have long-term plans to take over the world, so they don’t waste time sitting around talking and tying themselves up in red tape.”
Zhang Zhao opened his mouth, closed it, and shook his head. “I have no idea how to answer that word salad.”
“Okay, let’s get to the point,” said Yu Fan, stepping up to the plate. “Cao Cao is gathering a huge army at the border. It looks like he’s already taken Jiangxia. What are we going to do about it?”
“I’m not scared of Cao Cao,” said Zhuge Liang grandly.
“You’re sidestepping,” said Yu Fan. “If you aren’t scared, why did you spend the last chapter running around looking for help?”
“Liu Bei just needed breathing space,” said Zhuge Liang. “He’s not scared. Understand?”
Yu Fan just facepalmed. Beside him, Bu Zhi spoke up. “This is some top-notch slick talk,” he said sarcastically.
“Slick talk gets deals done,” said Zhuge Liang. “Don’t underestimate it. Are you saying Cao Cao’s slick talk in his letter didn’t scare you?”
“‘I have a million guys, you’d better join me’ is the opposite of slick talk,” pointed out Xue Zong. “And he does have a million guys. The Han have been declining for years now, and Cao Cao is gaining power. That’s just how the world works. Mandate of Heaven and all that. We’re not going to win if we fight him.”
“Coward!” said Zhuge Liang angrily. “Cao Cao might claim to be loyal to the Han, but he’s thinking rebellious thoughts! I know it! Plus, he’s the bad guy! It’s everyone’s duty to oppose him. I’m not even going to talk to you.
Xue Zong gave up, but Lu Ji had a thing or two to say. “Okay, I’ll accept your point about Han loyalty,” he said. “But what does that have to do with Liu Bei? He’s just some random guy whose surname is Liu. Whoop-de-doo.”
“Fine, so you admit Cao Cao’s the bad guy,” said Zhuge Liang. “You just conceded! Ha! And I’m tired of this birther nonsense. The Emperor himself published Liu Bei’s long-form birth certificate in Chapter 20. Plus, aren’t you the guy who stole an orange from a dinner party as a kid? Shame! Shame!”
Lu Ji pinched the bridge of his nose. Yan Jun stepped up. “You’re not making any sense at all. Where the hell did you go to school?”
“School’s boring,” said Zhuge Liang loftily. “I did my PhD with a wizard so I wouldn’t have to waste my time studying or doing homework.”
Yan Jun put his head on the table.
“Wow, you sure sound like a genius,” snorted Cheng Deshu. “PhD with a wizard? This is hilarious.”
“I’m a patriot,” said Zhuge Liang firmly. “All you eggheads just capitulate to totalitarian regimes! I bet you all believe in moral relativism. You know what that leads to? Depression and suicide.”
At this point, Sun Quan’s think tank was getting seriously concerned. Before they could come up with any ideas, Huang Gai came in.
“Why are you guys wasting your time when you should be making plans to fight Cao Cao!” he roared. “Zhuge Liang, come see the boss. Why are you arguing with these guys?”
“They’re idiots, so I needed to set them straight,” said Zhuge Liang. He followed Huang Gai to Sun Quan’s office, with Lu Su joining them. Halfway there, someone else joined them.
“Hey, little bro!” said Zhuge Jin. “Great to see you! How come you never call or visit?”
“I’m too busy at work,” said Zhuge Liang. “You know how it is. I have a meeting now.”
“Come see me after, okay?” said Zhuge Jin.
As they continued, Lu Su turned to Zhuge Liang. “I know I’m repeating myself, but please, don’t talk about how scary Cao Cao is.”
Zhuge Liang nodded, and they went into Sun Quan’s office. All his employees drew up in two lines, and Sun Quan came out from behind his desk.
“Zhuge Liang! Nice to meet you.”
As Lu Su made the introductions, Zhuge Liang looked over Sun Quan. “Hmm, green eyes, red beard,” he thought to himself. “We’re supposed to be in China. That’s weird. He probably has a temper. I’ll use that.”
“Lu Su’s told me so many nice things about you!” Sun Quan interrupted his thoughts, beaming. “Have some tea.”
“Thanks,” said Zhuge Liang humbly. “I’m actually an idiot.”
“Uh, okay,” said Sun Quan. “You shouldn’t say that about yourself! At least you set Cao Cao’s army on fire. Speaking of which, do you know how big his army is?”
“We couldn’t stand up to him with our little army,” said Zhuge Liang. “It’s huge. Infantry, cavalry, navy. He’s incorporated the troops of his defeated enemies. A million is a conservative estimate. I’d put it at a million and a half.”
Lu Su turned white. He tried to get Zhuge Liang’s attention, but the ambassador ignored him.
Sun Quan wasn’t particularly disturbed. “Okay, so a million redshirts. Are his generals any good?”
“They’re amazing.”
“Okay, any idea of his plans?”
“He’s going to attack you, duh.”
“Hmmm,” said Sun Quan. “So what’s your opinion?”
“You don’t want to know,” said Zhuge Liang.
“No, I seriously want your opinion.”
“Give up already,” said Zhuge Liang, “Cao Cao’s scary, and he’s really close to taking over the world. Maybe someone’s brave enough to stop him, but they’d need a foothold. That’s why Liu Bei came to you. You have a choice. Fight Cao Cao, or surrender right now.”
Sun Quan didn’t answer, so Zhuge Liang continued. “Hey, you’re a good guy, but everyone knows you can’t make up your mind. You have to make a decision, now.”
“…Okay,” said Sun Quan. “So just one thing: If Cao Cao’s really so unbeatable, why hasn’t Liu Bei given up yet?”
“That’s different,” said Zhuge Liang. “He’s the hero. He’s too awesome to surrender to anyone! So come on, answer my question. Are you going to surrender?”
Sun Quan’s eyed boggled. He counted to ten slowly, then flapped his sleeves and left. Zhuge Liang sat smugly as everyone else snickered and walked out.
“Why did you do that?” demanded Lu Su. “You’re lucky he’s not the off-with-his-head type!”
Zhuge Liang laughed. “I’m not going to be politically correct,” he said. “I do have a plan. I would have told him if he wasn’t so sensitive.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Cao Cao’s a goner.”
I’ll try to talk to him.” Lu Su headed towards Sun Quan’s bedroom, where he found him sitting on the bed glowering.
“Did you hear what that asshole said to me?” he burst out.
Lu Su sighed and sat beside him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “Babe, I already talked to him about it. He was just messing with you. That’s what these genius guys do.”
“Oh shit, was that a test of character or something?” said Sun Quan. “I guess I blew it. What should I do?”
“He’s a nice guy, don’t worry,” answered Lu Su. “Just be polite and ask him for advice. He’s bursting to tell you about his amazing plans.”
“Are you sure?”
“Definitely,” Lu Su smiled. “Now go out there and make nice, honey. I’ll be right behind you.”
Sun Quan slunk back to the office. “Sorry about that, Mr. Zhuge. I was a jerk.”
“No, it was all my fault,” said Zhuge Liang politely, and everything was peachy again. They all sat down to dinner and did a few shots.
“So, Lu Bu, Liu Biao, Yuan Shao, and Yuan Shu all fell to Cao Cao, one by one,” said Sun Quan. “It’s just me and Liu Bei left. I’m not about to capitulate, and I’m sure your boss isn’t either. What’s Liu Bei’s real position?”
“It’s not as bad as it sounded last chapter,” said Zhuge Liang. “He has his core of veteran generals, Liu Qi, and at least twenty thousand redshirts. Cao Cao’s much stronger on paper, but he’s really far from his home base. And his soldiers aren’t used to the climate here. If you and Liu Bei join up to fight him, it’s doable.”
“Then I’ll do it,” decided Sun Quan. “I’ll start drafting orders. Lu Su, tell the others. Say, how are you finding the guest house?”
While Sun Quan was walking Zhuge Liang to his room, Zhang Zhao and the others were facepalming.
“I can’t believe he’s listening to that guy!” said Zhang Zhao. “We have to talk to him.”
They all confronted Sun Quan in a group. “Do you want to end up like Yuan Shao? Stop listening to that maniac.”
“I dunno…”
“Liu Bei’s using you,” said Gu Yong. “Can’t you see?”
“It does look a bit like that.” Sun Quan swayed. “I’ll think about it some more.”
When they left, Lu Su came back in. “They’re trying to save their own hides-”
“….Look, honey, I need some time alone to think,” sighed Sun Quan, and Lu Su nodded and tiptoed out.
The generals soon realized what was happening, and all came in a crowd to yell at the “surrender” faction. As the argument raged on outside, Sun Quan put his face in his hands. “What am I going to do?”
“What’s wrong?” came a voice from his family’s private rooms. He jumped up. “Aunt Stepmom!”
Sun Quan quickly explained the situation. “So do I fight? Or surrender? Will he accept my surrender? I have no idea!”
His Aunt Stepmom hugged him. “It’s going to be okay,” she said. “Don’t you remember your biological mom’s last words? Listen to Zhang Zhao for domestic affairs, but if it’s foreign affairs, ask Zhou Yu.”
“That was actually my brother’s last words,” said Sun Quan. “But you’re right! I’ll ask Zhou Yu right away.”
Saxo Dramaticus 