Zhao Yun casually knocked Battle-Axe Dude off his horse and made a break for it. Halberd gave chase, and soon got so close that Zhao Yun could see his shiny weapon in his rear-view mirrors. There was nothing to do but fight. Zhao Yun suddenly veered left, cutting Halberd off both figuratively and literally.
As Halberd’s head rolled away, Zhao Yun approached the bridge. Just as he reached it, Wen Ping started to close in.
“Zhang Fei! Stop being a dick and give me a hand!” yelled Zhao Yun.
“Don’t worry!” said Zhang Fei, who had finally gotten the dire situation through his thick skull. “I’ll hold them back!”
Zhao Yun crossed the bridge and found Liu Bei not far away on the other side. He jumped off his horse and started to cry. Liu Bei, of course, cried as well.
“You should execute me for my failure,” panted Zhao Yun. “Lady Mi was too injured to move. She killed herself rather than slow me down. I couldn’t save her. I’ve got the baby, but he hasn’t moved for a while. I’m scared-”
Zhao Yun hastily pulled out Liu Shan, and found that all the fighting had rocked him to sleep.
“Oh, never mind. He’s OK,” said Zhao Yun, and handed Liu Bei his baby son.
Liu Bei scowled and threw the baby on the ground. “Dumbass! You almost got killed to save a useless baby! I can always make more of them!”
Shocked, Zhao Yun picked up the baby and started the concussion protocol. “Great job, boss. Drop your heir on his head on purpose. I’m sure that’ll have no long-term consequences.”
Back at the bridge, Wen Ping and co. stopped short at the sight of Zhang Fei’s terrifying mustache. Just behind him were clouds of dust indicating a large, hidden army.
As they hesitated, Cao Ren and the Xiahous showed up, then Li Dian. Soon all of Cao Cao’s generals were crowded at one end of the bridge, looking nervously at Zhang Fei.
“This could be one of Zhuge Liang’s tricks,” said someone, probably Li Dian.
Eventually the big boss himself rode up, carrying his most pimped-out umbrella. “What’s going on-” said Cao Cao, but he was interrupted.
“I’m Zhang Fei! Come at me!” hollered Zhang Fei at the top of his lungs. Cao Cao almost jumped out of his skin.
“Okay guys, put away my really distinctive umbrella,” he said. “This is the scary dude Guan Yu told us about.”
Just then, Zhang Fei shouted again. “Well? Any of you losers brave enough to fight me?”
It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop.
“Either fight, or run away! Pick one!”
One of Cao Cao’s staffers had a heart attack on the spot. He silently toppled off his horse, and the thud broke the tension.
“Play Yakety Sax!” screamed Cao Cao, turning his horse around. The entire army fled pell-mell from the bridge. Several redshirts were trampled in the panic. Cao Cao lost his hat and galloped off with his hair streaming behind him.
Zhang Liao and Xu Chu soon caught up and stopped him.
“Boss!” said Zhang Liao. “It’s just the one guy! Why are we all running?”
Cao Cao stopped. “You’re right. There are several thousand of us!”
“And we’re just running away,” said Xu Chu. “Half of us have fought him before! This is really out of character.”
Cao Cao facepalmed. “This is incredibly stupid. Luo Guangzhong must have painted himself into a corner. Let’s go back.”
When they got back to the crossing, the bridge was gone.
Zhang Fei rode back to Liu Bei. “I destroyed the bridge! Now they can’t follow!”
Liu Bei facepalmed. “You idiot.”
“What do you mean?” said Zhang Fei, hurt.
“Cao Cao has thousands of redshirts who can put together a new bridge in no time flat,” pointed out Liu Bei. “It’ll barely slow him down. If you’d left the bridge, he might have hesitated in case it was a trap. But since you broke it, he knows we can’t stand up to him and are on the run.”
“Fuck.”
Of course, Cao Cao put his thousands of redshirts to work building bridges that night.
“It could be a double bluff,” said Li Dian.
“Nah, Zhang Fei’s too stupid,” said Cao Cao confidently.
Liu Bei and his followers sped off towards Hanjin, but soon they saw Cao Cao’s army closing in behind them. In front of them was the river.
“We’re dead,” said Liu Bei. “Zhao Yun, try to hold them off as long as you can.”
Just then, ten thousand soldiers charged out of the hills. “Finally!” called Guan Yu. “How long were you planning to take?”
Cao Cao stopped in his tracks. “Shit. It was a double bluff.”
He’d had enough. Cao Cao turned his army around and left.
Guan Yu rejoined Liu Bei as the combined armies made for the river. “Hey guys! Wait, where’s Lady Mi?”
“Huh?” said Liu Bei. “Oh, right. Her. She died.”
“You should have let me kill Cao Cao on that hunting trip in Chapter 20,” said Guan Yu through gritted teeth.
“And like I told you then, you could have hit the Emperor.”
The argument was interrupted by the sudden appearance of warships sailing up the river. Liu Bei barely had time to crap himself when someone on the flagship waved to him.
“Hey, Uncle!” shouted Liu Qi. “Did I miss the party?”
“You’re just in time!” said Liu Bei. His soldiers clambered onto the boats, and they all sailed down the river.
After only a few miles, another line of warships appeared on the horizon.
“Fuck,” said Liu Qi, turning pale. “It’s Sun Quan. I’d forgotten about him.”
“No, it isn’t,” said Liu Bei, spotting someone in a Taoist robe and a turban.
Zhuge Liang waved. “I organized all this!”
“You could have been a bit faster,” grumbled Liu Bei. “What now?”
“We should make two permanent camps,” said Zhuge Liang. “The army at Xiakou, the navy at Jiangxia.”
Liu Bei agreed, and sent Guan Yu to Xiakou with five thousand redshirts. Everyone else went to Jiangxia.
When Cao Cao turned around, he made for Jiangling. Deng Yi and Liu Xian, who were in charge of Jingzhou City, heard about Liu Zong’s murder and promptly surrendered. Cao Cao, who was calmer at this point, did his usual PR routine and gave all the surrendered officials promotions. The commoners breathed a sigh of relief.
When everything was in order, Cao Cao called a meeting. “So, what to do about Liu Bei?” he said. “He might ally with Sun Quan, in which case we’ll have a problem.”
Little Xun pointed out the obvious. “You make an alliance with Sun Quan before he can. Split Jingzhou between you, and capture Liu Bei together.”
“Could work,” said Cao Cao. “How do I convince him to form an alliance, though?”
Little Xun shrugged. “Intimidate him.”
“Great plan!” said Cao Cao. He sent a letter and set about raising the biggest army he could.
“Eight hundred and thirty thousand redshirts?” he said, frowning at the statistics. “Close enough to a million. Let’s call it a million.”
The “million” redshirts spread out in camps over a hundred miles of riverbank, and Cao Cao’s warships patrolled up and down.
In Chaisang, Sun Quan gathered all his advisors together. “What do we do now?”
“Jingzhou is a really nice piece of real estate, and it’s right on our border,” said Lu Su. “I’m not at all comfortable with letting Cao Cao have it. How about I go pay Liu Bei a visit? I can say it’s for Liu Biao’s funeral. While I’m there, I’ll try to talk him into joining us. If we joined together, we could face Cao Cao.”
Meanwhile in Jianxia, Liu Bei and his guys were having a similar conversation. “We couldn’t possibly fight Cao Cao in our position,” said Zhuge Liang. “But Sun Quan might. If we played Sun Quan and Cao Cao against each other, we could take advantage.”
“Maaaaaybe,” said Liu Bei. “But Sun Quan’s pretty scary in his own right.”
“Not as scary as Cao Cao,” said Zhuge Liang. “Look, our three armies are all gathered together right now. Sun Quan’s definitely going to send someone to suss us out. When they come, I’ll go back with them and use my slick tongue to make him fight Cao Cao. If Cao Cao wins, we’ll attack Sun Quan when he’s down and take over the south. If Sun Quan wins, we’ll take over Jingzhou when Cao Cao retreats.”
“I like that plan,” said Liu Bei. “Sounds heroic and honourable. But how do you know there’ll be an envoy from the south?”
“Lu Su, from the south!” announced the doorman.
“See?” said Zhuge Liang. “Now, Qi, he’s supposedly coming to offer condolences about your dad. Did your dad offer condolences about his brother?”
“Nope,” said Qi. “We kind of killed their dad. It would be awkward.”
“So he’s a spy,” sai Zhuge Liang. “Let me handle this. If he asks you for intel, play dumb.”
“He couldn’t possibly buy that,” said Liu Bei.
“Then let me handle it,” said Zhuge Liang. “Look, here he comes.”
They welcomed Lu Su in and invited him for drinks.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” said Lu Su. “I’ve heard about all your great deeds, like… uh, your great deeds. What’s Cao Cao up to?”
“I have no clue,” said Liu Bei.
“You literally set his army on fire,” said Lu Su. “Twice. There’s no way you don’t know!”
Liu Bei shrugged. “Yeah, I’m the nominal leader, but I don’t really do anything except take the credit. You’ll have to talk to Zhuge Liang.”
“Oh, he’s here, too?” said Lu Su. “I’d love to meet him!” When Zhuge Liang came in, he shook hands eagerly. “I’m your biggest fan!”
“Yeah,” said Zhuge Liang. “If you want to know how big Cao Cao’s army is, the answer is: huge. We’re kind of hiding from him right now.”
“Right here?”
“No,” said Zhuge Liang. “We’re going to, uh, Changwu.”
Liu Bei looked puzzled, and Zhuge Liang kicked him.
“Oh, yes,” said Liu Bei. “No, not staying here long. Going to Changwu.”
“That backwater?” said Lu Su. “That’s no place to make a last stand!”
Zhuge Liang shrugged. “We’re winging it.”
“Tell you what,” said Lu Su, feeling sorry for them. “My boyfriend, er, boss, is the big man in these parts. Why don’t you send someone to talk to him? He’d help you.”
“We’re enemies,” pointed out Zhuge Liang. “He’d never listen.”
“Of course he’d listen! He always listens,” protested Lu Su. “Look, I’ll take you back with me. I’m sure I can talk him into it.”
“We don’t have a mailman,” tried Zhuge Liang.
“Come yourself! Your older brother Jin even works for him, he can introduce you.”
“Okay, bad cop,” whispered Zhuge Liang to Liu Bei, who stepped in. “I can’t let him go! I need him here.”
“Boss, this is important,” said Zhuge Liang. “It could be our only chance.”
“We aren’t the messenger-killing type,” begged Lu Su. “We’re negotiating in good faith!”
After pretending to argue for a while, Liu Bei let Zhuge Liang and Lu Su talk him into it. Zhuge Liang clambered into Lu Su’s boat, and they both headed back to Sun Quan’s headquarters.
Saxo Dramaticus 