“You should ask Yuan Shao for help,” said Chen Deng.
“I literally just killed his brother,” pointed out Liu Bei, and Chen Deng shrugged. “They didn’t really get along. And one of his old family friends works for us, we can send him to ask.”
“Who? Oh, right. Zheng Xuan.”
Zheng Xuan was a very famous scholar. When he was a student, his teacher would use bikini babes to distract the class during his lectures, but Zheng Xuan never even looked at them. He was so refined and literary that even his serving maids would have rap battles.
He was more than willing to write a letter of recommendation for Liu Bei, and Sun Qian delivered it.
“Well, I totally care about my brother’s death and stuff,” said Yuan Shao. “But Zheng Xuan is asking me, so I’d better do it.” He called a meeting.
“Let’s not be hasty,” said Tian Feng. “Cao Cao is strong, and we just finished a war. What about subtlety? Report our victory to the Emperor, and if he doesn’t get the report, impeach Cao Cao for obstructing the government. That’ll give us time to prepare, we can stock up, and make a three-year plan.”
“Too sensible,” said Yuan Shao. “Next?”
“Boss, you’re not just a badass, you’re a military genius,” gushed Shen Pei. “We can beat Cao Cao without breaking a sweat!”
Yuan Shao grinned, but Ju Shou interrupted. “Come on, don’t underestimate Cao Cao. At minimum, we need a better excuse for attacking him.”
“Who the hell needs a reason to attack Cao Cao?” said Guo Tu, and the debate devolved into a shouting match as Yuan Shao watched in confusion. Just then, Xu You and Xun Shen walked in. “Sorry, are we late?”
“Thank God,” said Yuan Shao. “You guys, break the tie.”
“Definitely attack Cao Cao,” they said. “That guy sucks.”
“Hell yeah!” said Yuan Shao, and sent Sun Qian back with a resounding “Yes.” He sent Shen Pei, Peng Ji, Tian Feng, Xun Shen, Xu You, Yan Liang, and Wen Chou along with three hundred thousand redshirts to attack Liyang.
“Boss, we’re forgotten something,” said Guo Tu. “Every good revolution needs a manifesto.”
“Good idea!” agreed Yuan Shao. “Do we have any really good writers? Chen Lin, perfect.”
Chen Lin soon returned with a hundred-page essay.
“Wow,” said Yuan Shao. “TL;DR. Can you give me the Cliff Notes version?”
“Well, the first few pages are mostly Godwin’s Law,” said Chen Lin, flipping through it. “I compared Cao Cao to a bunch of historical baddies. Then Cao Cao’s family history, short version, it sucks – did you know, his grandpa was a eunuch? Then a bit about all the nice things you did for Cao Cao, I kept it vague. List of guys Cao Cao killed, I had a lot to work with there, got some snippy remarks about how Lu Bu kicked his ass in there too.”
He flipped some more pages. “He makes draconian laws, tyrannical, yadda yadda. Pages 58-65, mostly sensationalism, I got it from the tabloids. ‘Cao Cao desecrates the graves of past Emperors! He appoints generals just to hunt for treasure!’ And he sets random booby traps everywhere, just to annoy people.”
He licked his finger. “Page 66, just rude limericks. 67-84 is all trash talk. You have millions of armies, he is a literal praying mantis, and a solid statistical analysis of why he can’t win. Then it gets really good. Cao Cao is a rebel, keeping the Emperor a prisoner in a gilded cage, and you will restore the glory of the Hans. Rewards for everyone who helps you! Amnesty for those who surrender! You are just and merciful, terrible but righteous, etc. etc.”
“That sounds awesome,” said Yuan Shao. “Print off a million copies and put it on every bulletin board and lamp post. Heck, send it to the whole mailing list.”
“Boss?” said a servant, poking his head in.
“Go away,” said Cao Cao. “I have a headache.”
“Yeah, but you should probably see this,” said the servant, and held out a binder. “This is getting spammed everywhere.”
Cao Cao read it, then started trembling with fright. “This is really mean. Cao Hong! Who wrote this?”
“I heard it was Chen Lin,” answered Cao Hong.
“Oh, really?” said Cao Cao. He started reading it again, and laughed. “You know what, this is actually pretty funny. Chen Lin’s a good writer. I’m still going to kick Yuan Shao’s ass, though.”
Of course, he immediately called a staff meeting.
“If I were you, I’d try to talk it out,” said Kong Rong. “Yuan Shao is strong, it could go very badly.”
“Nah, he sucks,” said Big Xun.
“He might suck,” said Kong Rong, “but his employees are good.”
“Are you kidding?” said Big Xun. “His employees are terrible, and they all hate each other. The only ones worth worrying about are Yan Liang and Wen Chou, and we can handle them.”
“Big Xun’s right,” said Cao Cao. “First order of business: Liu Dai and Wang Zhong, you go to Xuzhou and attack Liu Bei. The rest of us are going to Liyang to attack Yuan Shao, and I’m leading the army personally.”
“Uh, boss,” whispered Cheng Yu, “those two are idiots. They’ll never beat Liu Bei.”
“Yeah, I know,” said Cao Cao. “They’re just a distraction.”
Liu Dai and Wang Zhong headed out, none the wiser, and Cao Cao took his army of two hundred thousand to Liyang.
“What do we do now?” asked an underling.
“Did you bring popcorn?” answered Cao Cao. Sure enough, Yuan Shao’s camp descended into bickering and drama, and no one moved.
“You know what?” said Cao Cao, two months later. “This is getting boring. Cao Ren, you’re in charge. Zang Ba, keep attacking Qingzhou and Xuzhou. Yu Jin and Li Dian, hold the river. I’m going home.” And he headed back to Xuchang.
Meanwhile, Liu Dai and Wang Zhong were camping near Xuzhou City, and no one was doing anything there either. Finally, an order came in from Cao Cao. “Attack!”
“Well, go on,” said Liu Dai. “Attack!”
“But the message was for you,” said Wang Zhong. “You attack.”
“That’s because I’m senior,” said Liu Dai. “I can’t go first!”
“How about we go together, then?” said Wang Zhong.
“Tell you what,” said Liu Dai. “Rock-paper-scissors.”
Wang Zhong chose rock, Liu Dai chose paper.
“Fine,” said Wang Zhong. He took half the redshirts and marched towards Xuzhou.
“Okay, this is really weird,” said Liu Bei to Chen Deng. “Yuan Shao and Cao Cao are deadlocked at Liyang, but the spies say there aren’t any “Cao Cao” signs there. These guys attacking us have a “Cao Cao” sign, but I don’t hear Yakety Sax playing. What’s going on?”
“It’s probably a trick,” said Chen Deng. “Yuan Shao is his priority, so he’s probably there. The signs are just mind games, he isn’t here.”
“Hmmm,” said Liu Bei. “Someone should go look into this.”
“Me! Me! Pick me!” said Zhang Fei.
Liu Bei rolled his eyes. “How many embarrassing failures have you had so far? Any other volunteers?”
“Me,” said Guan Yu. He headed out into the snow with three thousand redshirts and walked up to Wang Zhong’s camp. “Hey! You in there!”
“What is it?” said Wang Zhong. “You should surrender to the Prime Minister!”
“Let me talk to him first!” said Guan Yu.
“He’s too important to talk to people like you,” said Wang Zhong grandly.
“Oh yeah?” said Guan Yu, and charged at Wang Zhong, who braced for impact. At the last second, though, he veered off and rode up a hill with Wang Zhong in hot pursuit. When he reached the top, he turned around and charged again, and Wang Zhong tried to run away, but Guan Yu lifted him out of his saddle with one hand. He slung him over his own horse and rode away.
“Why were you putting up fake signs?” said Liu Bei sternly.
“I was just following orders!” pleaded Wang Zhong.
“Fair enough,” said Liu Bei. “Have some dinner. And you can put some clothes on.” He had Wang Zhong locked up, but didn’t treat him badly otherwise.
“Yeah, I figured you’d want him alive,” said Guan Yu.
“That’s why I didn’t send Zhang Fei. He’d have killed him,” said Liu Bei. “Hostages are much more useful.”
“Okay, I get the message,” said Zhang Fei. “Let me go after Liu Dai. I swear I won’t fuck up this time.”
“Okay, but be careful!” said Liu Bei. “That guy isn’t as dumb as the first one.”
“How’s this – if I kill him, you can kill me,” said Zhang Fei, and off he went.
After Wang Zhong was captured, Liu Dai fortified his camp and stayed on the defensive. Zhang Fei showed up with another three thousand redshirts and shouted “Yo mama” jokes for a few days, but Liu Dai just ignored him.
“Fine,” said Zhang Fei. “I guess I’ll have to come up with a trick.” He made an announcement to all the redshirts. “We’re attacking their camp tonight!”
That accomplished, he began downing shot after shot. For once in his life, though, he didn’t actually get drunk, but he faked it very convincingly. Then, he picked out some poor sucker and had him whipped for some stupid reason.
“And that’s not it!” he said threateningly. “Tomorrow, you’re becoming a human sacrifice to our flag!”
As he left, he whispered in the guards’ ears. “He’ll try to escape, of course. Just let him.”
As soon as it got dark, the man sneaked out of the camp and went straight to Liu Dai. “That asshole beat me up for no reason and wants to kill me!” he said. “Plus, he’s attacking your camp tonight.”
“Oh, he is, is he?” said Liu Dai, and arranged for his army to be outside the camp, ready to dash in and surprise Zhang Fei’s men.
Of course, that was exactly what Zhang Fei wanted. Instead of charging in, he had advance runners light the camp on fire. While Liu Dai’s men were waiting at the back door, wondering what to do, two divisions swooped in and attacked them from either side. Liu Dai himself made a break for it, and ran straight into Zhang Fei’s ambush. He tried to fight, but got captured very, very quickly.
“Wow,” said Liu Bei. “He does have a brain, after all.” He and Guan Yu rode out to meet Zhang Fei.
“I told you I could do it!” crowed Zhang Fei.
“Yeah, only because I needled you,” said Liu Bei, and Zhang Fei laughed.
“Anyway, here he is!” Zhang Fei yanked on a rope, and Liu Dai stumbled forward.
“Oh, Zhang Fei – for heaven’s sake have some class,” grumbled Liu Bei, and untied Liu Dai. He summoned both him and Wang Zhong.
“Okay, I had to kill Che Zhou because he was trying to assassinate me. Plus, some people were too enthusiastic,” he said, glancing at Zhang Fei. “Anyway, this is all a big misunderstanding. I don’t want to kill you, that would make Cao Cao mad. Go tell Cao Cao that I didn’t mean to, okay?”
“Absolutely!” they said, relieved that they weren’t getting beheaded. They headed back towards the capital, but only three miles later they heard a “Stop!”
They turned around, and Zhang Fei galloped up waving a sword. “My brother’s a softie,” he said. “But I know better! You two deserve to die!”
Liu Dai and Wang Zhong trembled and peed their pants, but just as he was bearing down on them they all heard another voice. “Zhang Fei! CALM YOUR TITS!”
It was Guan Yu, riding over the hill. “Why can’t you just listen?”
“But they’re jerks,” pleaded Zhang Fei. “And they’ll probably attack us again.”
“You can kill them then, okay?”
“We swear we won’t!” said Liu Dai and Wang Zhong.
“Okay, fine,” said Zhang Fei. “Go tell Cao Cao that if he’d shown up, I would have killed him.”
The two men ran away.
“Okay, we really need to make plans for when Cao Cao shows up,” said Liu Bei’s brothers.
“They’re right,” said Sun Qian. “We should triangulate. Send some armies to Xiaopei and Xiapi.”
“Good idea,” agreed Liu Bei. He sent his wives, Lady Gan and Lady Mi, to Xiapi with Guan Yu to guard them. He and Zhang Fei went to Xiaopei, leaving Sun Qian, Jian Yong, and the Mi brothers to guard Xuzhou.
Liu Dai and Wang Zhong told Cao Cao their story, and he was furious. “You idiots! I should have you executed!”
Saxo Dramaticus 