“Who?” asked everyone eagerly.
“The hero, duh,” said Ma Teng. “Liu Bei.”
“But he works for Cao Cao,” said Dong Cheng doubtfully.
“Yeah, but he’s the Emperor’s uncle. And his brother wanted to kill Cao Cao on the hunt, but he stopped him.”
“How does that prove he’s on our side?” said Dong Cheng.
“It proves he has common sense,” said Ma Teng. “We kind of need someone with an ounce of subtlety if we want this conspiracy to succeed.”
The next night, Dong Cheng went to Liu Bei’s house with the dangerous papers in his pocket.
“Bit late for a call,” said Liu Bei.
“I’m sneaking around at night so Cao Cao doesn’t get suspicious,” explained Dong Cheng.
Liu Bei poured out some drinks.
“So, why did you stop your brother from killing Cao Cao the other day?” asked Dong Cheng casually.
“What? How did you know?”
“It was really conspicuous,” said Dong Cheng, and Liu Bei sighed. “What can I say? He was being a douche.”
Dong Cheng suddenly burst into tears.
“Huh?” said Liu Bei. “Even by my standards, that was random.”
“I just wish everybody was like Guan Yu,” sobbed Dong Cheng.
“Uh-oh,” thought Liu Bei. “This is probably one of Cao Cao’s tricks.” So, he said out loud: “But Cao Cao’s a great leader!”
Dong Cheng flushed. “How can you say that, when you’re the Emperor’s uncle!”
“Okay, chill,” said Liu Bei. “I thought it might be a trick.”
“Here,” said Dong Cheng. “I brought a list of all the conspirators for you to sign.” He whipped out the documents, and Liu Bei signed it on the spot.
“Now we just need three more,” said Dong Cheng.
“We really have to be careful!” warned Liu Bei. Dong Cheng carefully sneaked out at three in the morning.
The next day, Liu Bei got out a a spade and started digging in his backyard. He started planting vegetables and watering them.
“The hell are you doing?” said Zhang Fei and Guan Yu.
“What does it look like?” said Liu Bei. “I’m gardening.”
“How could you do such a thing?” sputtered Guan Yu. “You should be conspiring against Cao Cao.”
“I have my reasons, okay?” said Liu Bei grandly. “Don’t question me.”
A few days later, Liu Bei was watering his plants when two of Cao Cao’s men barged in.
“You’re gardening?” they said. “Ewww. Prime Minister wants you.”
“Why?”
They shrugged.
“Hey!” greeted Cao Cao. “I know what you’re up to.”
Liu Bei turned white, but Cao Cao grabbed his hand and laughed. “Growing vegetables. It’s really hard work!”
“It’s just a hobby,” said Liu Bei, relieved.
“So I was looking at the plum trees today,” said Cao Cao, “and I remembered when I was fighting Zhang Xiu. We all got really thirsty, but then we found some juicy plums! I got all nostalgic for battlefield dehydration, so I thought I’d invite you over for a picnic.”
They sat down in a gazebo with plums and wine. It was idyllic, and Liu Bei began to relax.
“Look!” said a servant. “That thundercloud looks like a dragon!”
“Cool, it does,” said Liu Bei, peering out.
“Do you understand the evolution of dragons?” asked Cao Cao suddenly.
“In the Darwinian sense?”
“No, more like the Pokémon sense,” explained Cao Cao. “They can grow to massive sizes, or be really tiny. Plus, they can control the weather, fly, and go deep-sea diving. Dragons are awesome.”
Then Cao Cao turned more serious. “Dragons can take over the world when they want to, just like a human hero. Who do you think the greatest heroes of our time are?”
Liu Bei stared. “That got heavy all of a sudden. I dunno.”
“Eh, name some names.”
“Uh, Yuan Shu?”
Cao Cao snorted. “He’s basically a corpse.”
“Yuan Shao?”
“Strong on paper, but terrible manager. Can’t run a fruit stand.”
“What about Liu Biao?”
“All reputation, no substance.”
“What about Sun Ce?” tried Liu Bei.
“You mean daddy’s boy?” sneered Cao Cao.
Liu Bei tried rattling off a few minor characters, all of whom Cao Cao brushed off.
“Listen,” said Cao Cao. “Heroes are people with ambition, plans, and willpower. Those are the people who can take over the world.”
“I thought that was villains,” said Liu Bei. “What heroes do you know about, then?”
“Just two,” said Cao Cao. “You and me.”
“Shit,” thought Liu Bei. “He didn’t fall for my gardening trick. He still sees me as a rival!” He was so terrified that he dropped his chopsticks.
Luckily for him, just then there was a dramatically appropriate thunderclap. “Whoa, that was close!” he said, picking up his chopsticks. “Startled me.”
Cao Cao’s eyes narrowed. “You, afraid of thunder? Aren’t you supposed to be a brave warrior?”
“Confucius says: ‘Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening,’” said Liu Bei, thinking quickly.
“I guess,” said Cao Cao. Just then, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei rushed into the gazebo, waving swords.
“The hell?” said Cao Cao.
They had been at the shooting range when they’d heard that Cao Cao had summoned Liu Bei. Fearing the worst, they had charged in, only to find their brother and Cao Cao chilling over drinks.
“Uh, we heard you were partying,” said Guan Yu awkwardly, “so we thought we’d do some fencing. To entertain you.”
“Yeah, that sounds super legit,” said Cao Cao. “Did you think I was trying to kill your brother or something? Me? No swords at the table, thank you very much. Have a seat.”
The brothers managed to get home without any further incident. “You scared the shit out of us,” said Guan Yu.
“Me too,” said Liu Bei. “I thought if I started gardening, Cao Cao wouldn’t realize how ambitious I was. But he called me a hero, so I guess it didn’t work. Luckily there was some conveniently timed thunder.”
“Huh?”
“I dropped my cutlery. Don’t worry, I was really smooth about it.”
The next day, Cao Cao had Liu Bei over for lunch again. They were just getting tipsy when Man Chong walked in.
“Boss, I have the report on Yuan Shao.”
“Yeah?”
“He just kicked Gongsun Zan’s ass in,” said Man Chong, handing him a file folder.
“He what?” said Liu Bei. “Lemme see that.”
“It’s a crazy story,” said Man Chong. “Gongsun Zan was losing, so he built a huge wall and an tower on top of it. Yeah, not behind, on top. Stored up food, got ready for a siege, kept on fighting outside. It was working, but some of his redshirts got trapped outside the wall. He didn’t want to break the line to rescue them, so all the redshirts got mad. Never piss off the redshirts, man. That kind of thing bites you in the ass. They all started sneaking away, he tried to get help, nobody helped him. Yuan Shao cracked his codes, tricked him into an ambush, dug into the tower, set everything on fire. He was trapped, couldn’t get out, so he killed his family and then himself.”
Man Chong shook his head. “Really sad. But there’s more: the Yuans might be getting over their family drama. Being quote-unquote Emperor hasn’t been great for Yuan Shu, and now he’s offering his brother the title. Yuan Shao was like ‘you better personally bring me the Imperial Hereditary Seal,’ and Yuan Shu was like ‘fine’, so now they might be joining up. This could get ugly.”
“I hope Zhao Yun is still alive,” thought Liu Bei, remembering many happy tears cried together. “I can use this, though.”
“How about I go attack Yuan Shu?” he suggested aloud.
“Good idea,” agreed Cao Cao. “Just let me get a rubber stamp from the Emperor, and off you go.”
Liu Bei set off the next day with his brothers, fifty thousand redshirts, and Zhu Ling and Lu Zhao, whom Cao Cao had sent to keep an eye on him.
“This is for the sake of the plot,” he told Dong Cheng, who came running after him. He took a breath of fresh air. “Yay! I’m free!”
This whole time, Guo Jia and Cheng Yu had been in the back room doing inventory. They came out blinking, only to see Liu Bei disappearing into the distance. “What? You let him go?”
“Relax,” said Cao Cao. “He’s only gone off to fight Yuan Shu.”
“You idiot,” said Cheng Yu, as Guo Jia facepalmed. “You should have killed him while you have the chance. He’s going to turn on you, mark my words.”
“Shit, you’re right,” said Cao Cao. “I kind of forgot. He was gardening, after all.” He sent Xu Chu to chase down Liu Bei.
When Liu Bei saw him coming, he turned around and built a quick fort. All the soldiers put their fingers on the trigger.
“Whoa, what?” said Xu Chu. “I’m on your side. I only came to give you a message from the boss. He says come home, he’s got more instructions for you.”
“Tell him where he can stick his instructions,” answered Liu Bei.
“Well that was uncalled for,” said Xu Chu, and wondered what to do. They were still technically on the same side, and he hadn’t been ordered to fight Liu Bei, after all. Eventually he shrugged. “Fine. I’ll tell the boss all about this.”
“See?” said Guo Jia and Cheng Yu.
“Yeah,” said Cao Cao. “But I won’t fight him right now. I sent those two guys to watch him, after all. Fighting my own general a day after I sent him out will look really bad. And if he takes care of Yuan Shu, that’s a big plus.”
Ma Teng heard of Liu Bei’s departure and took his army home as well.
Liu Bei and his army marched to Xuzhou, where Che Zhou was in charge and greeted them politely. The spy report soon came in.
“Yuan Shu was such a dick, his generals Lei Bo and Chen Lan up and quit. That’s why he made nice with his brother: he was almost out of redshirts. They’re heading west now to meet him.”
Yuan Shu soon reached Xuzhou, and Liu Bei got ready to face him. Yuan Shu sent Ji Ling to do the dirty work, but Zhang Fei found him and made short work of him. With his last competent general gone, Yuan Shu was forced to lead his troops himself.
Liu Bei put his brothers on one side and Cao Cao’s generals on the other, and stood in the middle. “Yuan Shu! You suck!” he shouted.
“Oh yeah? answered Yuan Shu. “Well, you weaver of mats! You make shoes!”
“That’s the best you can come up with?” said Liu Bei, and then valiantly retreated while his four generals attacked and kicked Yuan Shu’s ass. The two ex-employees even showed up in time for the end credits and got to work destroying Yuan Shu’s supplies.
Yuan Shu fled with only his family and a few redshirts. They almost ran out of food, and completely ran out of the fancy food he was used to.
“This is gross,” he whined to the cook. “Get me some honeyed water to help me choke it down.”
The cook rolled his eyes. “Wow. Just wow. You do realize we’re fleeing for our lives, right? I can give you bloody water if you want.”
“No honey?” gasped Yuan Shu. He suddenly vomited blood and died.
“Was that it?” asked a death scene judge, who had zoned out. The other judges shrugged. “You really didn’t miss much. That was probably the worst yet.”
Yuan Shu’s family fled to Xu Liu of Lujiang, who immediately slaughtered them all and sent the Imperial Hereditary Seal to Cao Cao. Unsurprisingly, Cao Cao did not return the seal to the Emperor.
Liu Bei sent his “Mission Accomplished” report back to Cao Cao, and fired Zhu Ling and Lu Zhao. He himself hung out in Xuzhou, and went around visiting the commoners and winning their hearts by telling them to get back to work.
“You just left quietly?” said Cao Cao to Zhu Ling and Lu Zhao. “I should have you executed!”
“Easy there, boss,” said Big Xun. “What were they supposed to do?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Cao Cao, and let them off with a lecture.
“How about this?” continued Big Xun. “Tell Che Zhou to get rid of Liu Bei. Let him figure it out.”
Che Zhou read the letter. “Shit, this is kind of a big deal. Chen Deng, got any ideas?”
“You’re not at all suspicious because I betrayed my last boss to help Liu Bei?”
“Nah.”
“Okay, fine,” said Chen Deng. “Invite him in, and have guards hiding behind the door to kill him as soon as he gets inside. I’ll go to the roof to direct snipers.”
“Great plan!” said Che Zhou, and Chen Deng went straight to his dad.
“Yeah, you should go let Liu Bei know ASAP,” said Chen Gui, so Chen Deng promptly tracked down Guan Yu and Zhang Fei and spilled the beans.
“The jerk! We should charge right in!” yelled Zhang Fei.
Guan Yu shook his head. “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. We should go in disguise, you idiot. That way we can get the drop on them instead.”
So the brothers and their redshirts dug out their old “Cao Cao’s Army” banners, put on their official Imperial armour, and wore false mustaches. In the middle of the night, they banged on the gate. “Let us in!”
“Who the hell are you?” shouted the sentries.
“We’re, uh, Zhang Liao’s guys!”
“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” said Che Zhou to Chen Deng. “If it’s a trick, I’m dead. But if I don’t let them in, and it’s actually Cao Cao’s army, I’ll be in so much trouble.”
He went up to the wall. “Can’t it wait till the morning?”
“No!” they called. “Liu Bei is attacking!”
“Fuck,” said Che Zhou. He put his armour on, took a bunch of soldiers, and headed out. “Let me talk to Zhang Liao, okay?”
“Psych!” shouted Guan Yu, and charged. “Oh shit!” said Che Zhou, and turn around and ran back to the gate.
Chen Deng popped his head over the wall. “Snipers! Fire!”
Che Zhou tried to swerve to avoid the arrows, but Guan Yu caught up to him and chopped off his head.
“Redshirts!” he shouted. “Don’t worry, I’m not after you. Surrender now, or go the way of your boss!”
The redshirts looked at each other and dropped their spears in unison.
Liu Bei sauntered in at that moment. “So, what did I miss?”
Guan Yu paused, then just showed him Che Zhou’s severed head. “He wanted to kill you.”
Liu Bei stared. “Oh man, Cao Cao will be so pissed.”
“Can we worry about that later?” said Guan Yu, as all the townspeople began to file out and cheer for Liu Bei. “The Hero! The Hero!”
Zhang Fei came up to meet them, wiping blood off his hands. “I just slaughtered Che Zhou’s whole family!” he announced proudly.
“You did what?” said Liu Bei. “Even Cao Cao doesn’t do that! You’re making me look terrible!”
“Bullshit,” said Zhang Fei. “You ate a lady a couple chapters ago, and no one cares.”
“I guess,” said Liu Bei. “Cao Cao’s definitely going to want revenge, though.”
Chen Deng spoke up. “Don’t worry. I got this.”
Saxo Dramaticus 