Chapter 14. In which Zhang Fei catches the idiot ball.

“Nice try, Li Yue! I know damn well that’s you!” shouted Yang Feng, and Xu Huang quickly kicked the rebel’s ass.

After the long, depressing, and anticlimactic journey, the court finally settled in the burned-out shell of Luoyang. The famine was still happening, and to top things off, houses kept falling on people.

“I have another bright idea,” said Yang Biao. “Let’s ask Cao Cao to come in and help run things for a while.”

“Why didn’t you do that, like, yesterday?” said the Emperor. “Last time we invited a warlord to the capital, it went so well!” And they sent a letter to Cao Cao.

Conveniently, the letter came just when Big Xun was telling Cao Cao that now was the time to make his bid for power. He immediately got his army moving towards the capital.

While waiting, the Emperor and his gang got nervous about Li Jue and Guo Si. “I know we haven’t gotten a response from Cao Cao, and we lost countless people on the last journey, but let’s make a run for the mountains,” said Dong Cheng.

The court agreed and headed out the door.

“Guys? Where are you going?” said Dong Cheng. “At least pack or something -” he ran out the door, gesticulating frantically. The Emperor was already on a horse and heading down the driveway, when they all saw a dust cloud. There was an army approaching.

The courtiers stood there and peed themselves until a messenger rode ahead of the army. “This is Cao Cao’s advance troops, led by Xiahou Dun!” he shouted. “Just in case the rebels get here before the main army.”

Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief. Soon, the other attachments of Cao Cao’s army arrived, well ahead of the approaching rebels. They beat off Li Jue and Guo Si without much trouble, before Cao Cao even got there a few days later.

Cao Cao knelt before the Emperor. “I am your loyal servant, who is definitely not going to take over,” he said, and the Emperor gave him a handful of titles.

Meanwhile, Li Jue and Guo Si were plotting to attack Cao Cao’s army. “You guys are crazy,” said Jia Xu. “There are way too many of them.”

Li Jue, ever the terrible boss, pulled out his sword and tried to kill his advisor. The other committee members held him back, and Jia Xu walked out of the meeting. “Screw this,” he said. “I’m going home.”

The rebel army came and attacked, with Li Jue’s nephews leading the charge. Xu Chu calmly rode out and cut one in half. The other was so scared that he promptly fell off his horse. Needless to say, the battle did not go well for the rebels, who ran for the hills.

Cao Cao returned and camped his army around the capital. Yang Feng and Han Xian looked at each other. “Do you have a feeling of déjà vu?” said Yang Feng.

“Damn right I do,” said Han Xiang. “Let’s get out of here.” And they took their armies out of the capital to go “pursue the rebels.”

One day, Cao Cao got a message from the Emperor, when the messenger caught his eye. “You look really fat,” he said.

“Wow, insensitive,” said the messenger. “I know it’s a famine, but I’m not a big eater, okay? I gain weight easily.”

“What’s your job?” said Cao Cao eagerly.

The man shrugged. “I’m an office drone, worked a lot of places. The name’s Dong Zhao.”

“Hey, I’ve heard of you!” said Cao Cao, who was either a massive liar or had a ridiculous number of LinkedIn connections. “Let’s get a drink.”

While they were doing shots with Big Xun, another man came in. “Spy report,” he said. “Should I give it in private?”

“Nah, this guy’s cool,” said Cao Cao. “You can tell by how fat he is during a famine. Spill it.”

“There’s an army leaving,” said the messenger.

“Oh, that’s gotta be Yang Feng and Han Xiang,” said Dong Zhao.

Cao Cao gasped. “They don’t trust me, then?”

Dong Zhao shrugged. “Don’t worry about them, they’re losers.”

“What about Li Jue and Guo Si?” asked Cao Cao.

Dong Zhao snorted. “Them? They suck even harder.”

“You and I have so much in common,” smiled Cao Cao. “Got any ideas about how the country should be run?”

“Well, it’s risky,” said Dong Zhao, “but I think you should move the capital. This place kinda sucks. I know we just got here, though. It’s up to you.”

“No, I agree,” said Cao Cao, shaking his hand. “I doubt Yang Feng will be a fan, though, or the rest of the court.”

“Just point out that there’s no food here,” suggested Dong Zhao. “Then they’ll be fine with it.”

“True,” said Cao Cao, and got the plan in motion.

Soon afterwards, Wang Li the astrologer was checking out his star charts. “Get a load of this,” he said to Liu Ai, the Chair of the Imperial Office. “Forecast is bad. As in, empire falling bad. Looks like Wei will end up taking over.”

“What’s Wei?”

“Dunno yet.”

“We should probably let the Emperor know,” said Liu Ai, and sent him a memo. Cao Cao heard about this and put a gag order on Wang Li.

“That’s good news for you,” said Big Xun.

“Yeah, time to make my move,” said Cao Cao, and ordered the move. No one dared to complain.

Halfway there, Yang Feng and Han Xian jumped out from behind a hill, and Xu Huang came charging in. “Kidnappers!” he shouted.

Cao Cao checked Xu Huang out and whistled. “I need to hire that guy,” he thought, and sent Xu Chu out to fight him. They clanged weapons for a while before Cao Cao called for a time out.

“Screw Yang Feng and Han Xian,” he said. “I want that guy. Anybody got any ideas?”

Man Chong raised his hand. “I’ll go talk to him.” That night, he slipped a red shirt on and sneaked into the enemy camp.

“Hey, buddy!” he said, walking into Xu Huang’s tent without knocking. “Long time no see!”

Xu Huang stared, then recognized him. “Man Chong! How have you been?”

“I’m working for Cao Cao now,” said Man Chong. “I thought I’d come and talk to you. Why are you working for these losers?”

Xu Huang shrugged. “It’s a job. Pays the bills.”

Man Chong snorted. “Get with the times. It’s an employee’s market these days. You can do so much better. Cao Cao saw you the other day, and was so impressed he sent me to give you a sales pitch.”

“Wow, really?” said Xu Huang. “This place sucks. Shitty bosses, bad hours, no benefits. I’ll take it.”

Man Chong slapped him on the back. “I knew you’d come round! Why not cut your old bosses heads off? Cao Cao would give you a great commission.”

“Yeah, no,” said Xu Huang. “That’s kinda evil.” He headed out with a few men that night, but Yang Feng chased after him.

“Backstabbing jerk!” his ex-boss shouted. Suddenly, Cao Cao’s army poured in and ambushed Yang Feng, who made a break for it. He and Han Xian ran away and got jobs with Yuan Shu.

The court moved to Xuchang, unpacked, and began setting up palaces. Cao Cao promoted his friends and everyone else who had been helpful. Things stabilized, with Cao Cao as the clear man in charge.

A few days later, Cao Cao threw a party at his house, and invited all his employees. “Great job, team,” he said. “We’ve pretty much managed to corner the market. There’s just one thing that worries me. Well, two things. Liu Bei and Lu Bu have been all buddy-buddy lately. Those guys are dangerous. Any ideas about how to deal with them?”

“Let me fight them,” said Xu Chu.

“Whoa there,” said Big Xun. “Let’s not escalate things if we don’t have to. How about this: Liu Bei is the de facto leader in Xuzhou. Send him a letter making his position official, and give him secret orders to kill Lu Bu. Then we can sit back and munch popcorn. My money’s on Lu Bu.”

Liu Bei was just writing Lu Bu a “Congratulations on your new home!” card when he got the message. “From the Prime Minister,” said the messenger, and handed Liu Bei a “Top Secret” envelope.

“Shit,” said Liu Bei, reading it. “Guan Yu? Zhang Fei? What do you think?”

“Kill him, duh,” said Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei sighed. “Look, he came to us when he was in a really bad place. Killing him would be mean. Plus, he’s absolutely terrifying.”

“So?” said Zhang Fei. “The guy’s a dick, and you have orders directly from the government.”

“No murder, okay?” said Liu Bei.

The next day, Lu Bu arrived. “Congratulations on the promotion,” he said through gritted teeth. Suddenly, Zhang Fei charged in with a sword.

“What the hell?” said Lu Bu.

“Cao Cao said to kill you, jerkface!” yelled Zhang Fei, and took a swing at Lu Bu, who hid behind Liu Bei.

“Shut the fuck up, Zhang Fei,” shouted Liu Bei. “I told you to let me handle this!” He led Lu Bu into his office and showed him the letter from Cao Cao.

Lu Bu burst into tears. “That asshole is trying to ruin our friendship.”

“Don’t worry, big guy,” said Liu Bei. “I’ll tell him where he can stick his letter.” They sat around drinking till late.

“Why didn’t you kill him?” Guan Yu asked a hungover Liu Bei the next morning.

“Because this whole letter thing is obviously a trick,” said Liu Bei. “I don’t want to fight Lu Bu just to make Cao Cao happy, thank you very much.”

“I still think we should kill him,” growled Zhang Fei.

Guan Yu rolled his eyes. “Trust our big brother, dammit. How many times do we have to tell you?”

Cao Cao read Liu Bei’s polite thank you note. “Well, that didn’t work,” he said. “What now?”

Big Xun thought a moment. “I know. Tell Yuan Shu that Liu Bei is planning to attack him. He’ll definitely try to strike first. Then tell Liu Bei to off Yuan Shu. Lu Bu will pick a side, who cares which. Whatever happens, some of your rivals will get rid of each other.”

“That’s genius,” said Cao Cao, and sent Liu Bei the new order.

Mi Zhu looked over Liu Bei’s shoulder and snorted. “Capture Yuan Shu? Yup, that’s a suicide mission. Nice try, Cao Cao.”

“An order is an order,” said Liu Bei, and Mi Zhu facepalmed. “Boss, you can’t possibly be serious.”

“I’m dead serious,” said Liu Bei, and started putting his armour on.

“Look, boss,” said Sun Qian, “If you’re going to be a dumbass and get yourself killed, at least leave someone in charge of the city.”

“He’s right,” said Guan Yu. “I’ll do it.”

“I’ll need you in the war,” said Liu Bei. “Who else am I going to send out for single combat?”

“What about me?” said Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei shook his head. “Look, bro – and I mean this in the nicest way possible – you’re kind of an idiot. Plus you’re a mean drunk. It’s not going to end well for anyone.”

“What, me?” said Zhang Fei. “I swear I won’t get drunk or beat anybody up. You can trust me!”

“Yeah, right,” snorted Mi Zhu.

“I don’t really have anyone else, though,” sighed Liu Bei. “Fine, I guess I’ll have to trust you. Chen Deng, keep an eye on him, okay?”

Liu Bei left Zhang Fei in charge and marched off.

“What?” shouted Yuan Shu. “That stupid hick! I was literally just about to attack him, and here he is attacking me? How dare he.” He sent out an army of a hundred thousand against Liu Bei, with a man named Ji Ling in charge.

The armies faced off, and Ji Ling rode out waving his triangular sword. “Come at me, you bunch of hillbillies!” he shouted.

Liu Bei stepped forward. “Under the orders of the Prime Minister…” he began. “Wait, why is your sword a triangle? How does that even work?” Ji Ling rolled his eyes and charged towards him brandishing a massive, sharp metal triangle.

Guan Yu came out to fight, and they went for a few rounds. “Time out!” shouted Ji Ling, and then tried to sub on somebody else. Guan Yu cut down the newcomer in one blow, hollered “Chicken!” at Ji Ling, and charged. Yuan Shu’s army fell back. Both the armies dug in and started raiding.

Back in Xuzhou, Zhang Fei realized he was basically home alone. “Party time!” he announced. “Everybody, chug! chug! chug! I’ll quit drinking tomorrow.”

All the remaining officers began doing shots, except for a certain Cao Bao. “You guys have fun,” he said. “I don’t drink.”

“You don’t drink?” said Zhang Fei, shocked. He was already very drunk. “Just have one, okay?”

“Fine,” sighed Cao Bao, and drank one shot.

“And now, a toast!” Zhang Fei announced. “Everybody do another round!”

“No, seriously,” said Cao Bao. “I’ve had enough.”

“You had one shot, you can do more,” slurred Zhang Fei. “Or I’ll beat you up!”

“Hey, boss, you really, really need to calm your tits,” whispered Chen Gong. “Remember what your older brother said?”

“Fuck off,” said Zhang Fei.

“Please don’t pick a fight,” said Cao Bao. “Lu Bu is my son-in-law. Things could get ugly.”

“Your son-in-law is who?” yelled Zhang Fei. “I hate that guy! Now I’m definitely beating you up.” And beat him up he did. The party broke up, with everyone glowering at each other.

Cao Bao limped home and sent a letter to Lu Bu, asking him to teach this drunk asshole a lesson. “What do you think?” Lu Bu asked Chen Gong.

“Do it,” said Chen Gong. “Liu Bei’s away, Zhang Fei’s hung over.” Lu Bu headed over immediately, and got there that night while Zhang Fei was still passed out drunk.

“Let me in!” shouted Lu Bu. “I’m from Liu Bei!” Cao Bao opened the door.

Zhang Fei woke up to his servants shaking him. “The enemy is here!” Zhang Fei leapt up, put on his armour and weapons, charged at Lu Bu’s soldiers.

“I’ll kill you!” he shouted, then threw up in a potted plant and ran away. Lu Bu’s men took over the city and captured Liu Bei’s family.

Cao Bao, still angry, rode after Zhang Fei. That was a bad move, because even a hungover Zhang Fei was more than a match for him. He stabbed Cao Bao in the back as he ran away, but Cao Bao’s horse was too fast and fled… straight into the moat. Zhang Fei ran off to Liu Bei’s camp.

Lu Bu calmly went into the mayor’s office and started doing paperwork. “Aren’t you going to execute Liu Bei’s family or anything?” said an underling.

“Nah, that’s too evil,” said Lu Bu.

Zhang Fei rode into Liu Bei’s camp, fell at his feet, and threw up all over them.

“I knew it,” sighed Liu Bei. “What the hell happened? Never mind, I can pretty much figure it out. Did you get my wives out of there at least?”

Zhang Fei shook his head.

“You had one job, you idiot!” said Guan Yu disgustedly.

“I know,” said Zhang Fei. “I know.”

He pulled out his dagger and put it against his own throat.

 

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