“In fact,” said Lu Bu, turning around, “I’ll get him right now!”
Chen Gong grabbed his horse. “Whoa there, boss,” he said. “Now is definitely not the time. We need to regroup and pick our moment.”
Lu Bu stopped. “You’re right,” he admitted. “I guess I could go to Yuan Shao…”
Chen Gong shook his head. “You quit working for him because he was literally trying to kill you. I’m not saying don’t ask, but send a letter, okay? No more of this impulsive stuff.”
Yuan Shao read the letter, and his advisor Shen Pei peered over his shoulder and snorted. “He seriously wants help? Like we’d do that. Send fifty thousand guys to finish him off, Cao Cao will thank us.”
Lu Bu heard about Yuan Shao’s approaching army and turned pale. “Chen Gong? You got any ideas?”
“We could go to Liu Bei,” said Chen Gong dubiously. “He kind of owes us one. Worth a try.”
“Lu Bu is visiting?” said Liu Bei to his men. “Great! He’s a hero, we’re glad to have him.”
Mi Zhu looked very nervous. “Have you ever met the guy? There’s a reason everyone wants to kill him, you know.”
“Maybe,” said Liu Bei. “But he saved our asses last year, and he’s going through a rough patch right now. We can’t turn him away.”
Zhang Fei shook his head. “You are way too nice.”
Nevertheless, Liu Bei welcomed Lu Bu with open arms and threw a party. Afterwards, Lu Bu told his sob story. “…and then I heard you were having trouble with Cao Cao,” he finished, “and I wanted to give you a hand, but look how badly it turned out for me.” He sighed. “I guess I’m asking you for a job.”
Liu Bei took the mayor’s chain off and held it out to Lu Bu.
“Wait, what?” said Lu Bu. “I did not expect it to be this easy…” he trailed off, seeing Guan Yu and Zhang Fei giving him the stink eye from behind Liu Bei. “I couldn’t possibly,” he amended hastily.
“No, seriously,” started Liu Bei, not noticing the steam coming out of his brothers’ ears. “I really didn’t want this job in the first place.”
Chen Gong stepped in. “Lu Bu isn’t trying to take over, sir. You don’t have to worry.” Lu Bu coughed awkwardly.
“All right,” said Liu Bei. “Time for more partying, then!” They all headed back to the feast, and Lu Bu called his wife and daughter. “Say hi to Liu Bei, ladies!”
“What an honour to meet you,” said Liu Bei politely.
Lu Bu chuckled. “No need to be so formal, little bro.”
Zhang Fei leapt up. “How dare you call him ‘little bro’! Do you have any idea who he is?” He staggered towards Lu Bu. “Want to take this outside?”
“Zhang Fei, calm your tits,” said Liu Bei, as Guan Yu put their youngest brother in a headlock and marched him out. He turned to the Lus and smiled uncomfortably. “Excuse him, he’s drunk.”
Lu Bu nodded, and soon the guests began to leave. Just as Lu Bu was going, Zhang Fei gave Guan Yu the slip and came galloping in on his horse. “Wanna fight? Huh? Huh?”
“Guan Yu! Get him out of here! And the horse, too!” shrieked Liu Bei, as a table got kicked over.
The next day, after everyone had sobered up, Lu Bu paid Liu Bei a visit. “Thanks for the welcome. I really appreciate it,” said Lu Bu. “But your brothers don’t seem to like me, and it’s making things really awkward.”
“Yeah, and it’s totally my fault,” said Liu Bei, rubbing a horseshoe-shaped bruise. “Look, you don’t have to leave. Why not go to Xiaopei? Nice little town, I used to live there.”
“That works for me,” said Lu Bu, and he went off to pack.
Zhang Fei slunk in, shading his eyes. “Can we never talk about that again?”
“No,” said Liu Bei. “We won’t.”
Meanwhile, in the capital, Imperial Guardian Yang Biao and Minister Zhu Jun had an idea. They managed to get a private meeting with Emperor Xian.
“Cao Cao has been really successful lately,” they said. “And he always dedicates his victories to you. Why not call him in and get rid of these Li Jue and Guo Si assholes?”
The Emperor burst into tears. “I hate those guys,” he sobbed. “Anything to get rid of them.”
“See, the problem is that they’re working as a team,” said Yang Biao. “We need to get them to fight.”
“How?” asked the Emperor. Yang Biao smirked. “Cherchez la femme.”
The next day, Yang Biao’s wife went to visit Guo Si’s wife, Lady Qiong.
“This is tough,” she said, “but I really feel I have to tell you. Your husband’s having an affair with Li Jue’s wife. If he finds out, it could be really ugly.”
Lady Qiong was horrified. “So that’s why he’s been spending nights away from home! He told me it was business, but I should have known better.” She hugged Yang Biao’s wife. “Thank you for telling me. You’re a real friend.”
A few days later, Guo Si told his wife he was going to have dinner with Li Jue. “Honey,” she said, “How well do you actually know him? Are you sure you can trust him?”
Guo Si stared. “We’ve worked together for years,” he said. “We’re literally ruling the world together.”
Just then, there was a knock on the door. Lady Qiong opened it. It was a messenger with a box of chocolates and a handwritten note: “To Guo Si, from his dear friend Li Jue.”
Lady Qiong looked around and made sure she was alone. Taking out the little vial of poison that she apparently always carried on her person, she quickly poisoned the chocolates and took them into her husband.
“For me? Wow!” said Guo Si, and he was about to try one when his wife said: “These did just arrive randomly. Maybe test one first.” She threw one to the dog, which ate it, then keeled over and died.
Guo Si’s eyes grew very round.
A few days later, Li Jue came up to Guo Si after work. “Hey buddy, it’s been a while since we had some fun. Want to get a drink?”
Several hours later, Guo Si stumbled home. “My stomach hurts…”
“It must be poison!” shouted his wife, seizing her chance. She held his head above the toilet and induced vomiting.
“Wow,” said Guo Si, looking up wearily after emptying his stomach. “You were right. There is absolutely no explanation for that besides poison.” He put more security guards outside his home and started hiring mercenaries.
“Guo Si is doing what?” said Li Jue. “Doesn’t he trust me? We’ve been colleagues for years, through thick and thin. He’s probably tired of sharing power!” He started to collect a private army as well. Soon their underlings were brawling in the streets.
In the confusion, Li Jue’s nephew Li Xian attacked the palace. He shoved the Emperor and Empress in a carriage and herded all of the courtiers out. Guo Si’s goons came and shot arrows at them, tragically killing some of the faceless courtiers before they got to Li Jue’s camp. Li Jue sequestered the Emperor while Guo Si’s gang ransacked the palace. Then both sides squared off and very literally fought over the Emperor, but Li Jue spirited him off to Meiwo.
“This sucks,” said the Emperor. “And you aren’t even feeding us decently. Can’t you at least send some supplies?”
“Fancyboy asks for what?” said Li Jue, and sent rotten food just to be an asshole.
“You’re going to have to put up with this for now,” said Imperial Counselor Yang Qi to the Emperor, who burst into tears and nodded. At that moment, Guo Si showed up with an army.
“Why did you try to kill me, you jerk?” asked Li Jue.
“Because you’re a rebel!” shouted Guo Si, and Li Jue stared. “We rebelled together. That was just a chapter ago.”
“Yeah, but you kidnapped the Emperor,” pointed out Guo Si.
“Fine, fight you for him,” said Li Jue, and the two generals had an epic duel that went absolutely nowhere.
“You two, stop it!” shouted Yang Biao, riding up. “We’ll talk this out, okay?” Guo Si and Li Jue rode off to their own camps grumbling, while Yang Biao and Zhu Jun gathered a bunch of their friends and headed off to make the generals see reason. They stopped at Guo Si’s place first, and he promptly arrested them.
“What the hell?” said Zhu Jun.
“Well, he arrested the Emperor, so I’m arresting you!” explained Guo Si.
“That makes absolutely no sense,” said Yang Biao.
“I’ll kill you!” shouted Guo Si, who was definitely going off the deep end at this point. Imperial Counselor Yang Qi calmed him down and got him to release Yang Biao and Zhu Jun, although he kept the rest of the hostages.
Yang Biao turned to Zhu Jun as soon as they were out of earshot. “That was a terrible idea.”
“Yup. It’s completely out of control,” said Zhu Jun. The pair looked at each other and started sniffling, then hugged and collapsed on the ground in a sobbing heap. After a while of this, Zhu Jun staggered home, where he keeled over and died. The death scene judges looked at each other and gave him a 3.2.
For the next few months, Guo Si and Li Jue skirmished constantly and stayed at a deadlock. Li Jue, who was really into the occult, brought a percussion band of witches into his camp.
“This is ridiculous,” said Jia Xu. “It’s driving me insane.”
“What, the drums or the black magic?”
“Both,” answered Jia Xu. “These witches have to go.”
Li Jue scowled. “I’m in charge here. If I want them, they stay. Got it?” Behind him, the witches all began headbanging furiously.
Yang Qi watched Jia Xu storm off. “You might be able to get that guy to help you,” he said to the Emperor.
Jia Xu had the same idea, and soon came to pay the Emperor a visit. The Emperor got him in private, and played his one and only trump card: bursting into tears.
“Look how the Han dynasty is getting pushed around by these bullies!” he sobbed. “Can’t you do anything?”
“I’ll, uh, try to think of something,” said Jia Xu, and left. Soon afterwards, Li Jue came swaggering in with a massive sword.
“That was a bad move,” thought the Emperor, turning pale, but luckily Li Jue was only showing off. “Would you believe it, Guo Si captured all the officials? You’re lucky I protected you,” he announced, and wandered out again. Then, a man named Huangfu Li dropped in. Throwing caution completely to the winds, the Emperor asked him to go negotiate with both sides.
“I’ll try,” said Huangfu Li, scratching his head dubiously.
Guo Si snorted. “I’ll release these guys when Li Jue releases the Emperor!” he snarled.
“That’s as good as I’ll get,” said Huangfu Li, and headed back through No Man’s Land to Li Jue.
“What do you mean, peace?” said Li Jue. “That guy’s a dick! You think my army isn’t powerful enough to crush him, huh?”
“That’s not what I said,” sighed Huangfu Li. “Don’t be overconfident. Dong Zhuo was strong, look what happened to him! And Guo Si has a point, you kinda did kidnap the Emperor.”
“Screw you!” said Li Jue, pulling out his sword, but his general Yang Feng stopped him.
“We’re in the middle of a civil war here,” he pointed out. “Killing the Emperor’s messenger would look really bad, and you’d lose support.”
“What he said,” said Jia Xu, and eventually they let Huangfu Li go.
“Li Jue is a rebel!” he hollered, as soon as he got out the door.
“Shhh! You’ll get yourself killed!” said a bystander.
“So what?” said Huangfu Li. “Fuck Li Jue! Asshole!” He took off, the insults fading into the distance.
The Emperor heard about that incident. “This place probably isn’t too healthy for you,” he told Huangfu Li, and sent him home. Sure enough, Li Jue sent General Wang Chang to go kill him, but luckily Wang Chang was a nice guy and returned shrugging. “I looked everywhere, but I didn’t see him!” he said innocently.
Meanwhile, Li Jue’s troops were fairly disturbed by all these goings-on. Many of them were barbarian mercenaries.
“When was the last time you got paid?” said Jia Xu to the barbarians. They looked at each other and grimaced.
“I thought not,” he said. “Look, Li Jue is a dick. If you just go home, the Emperor will pay you more for sitting on your asses than Li Jue pays you for getting killed.”
The desertions started that night.
“Give Li Jue some meaningless titles,” said Jia Xu next time he met the Emperor. “He’s an idiot. Once he has some shiny titles, he’ll get careless.”
“Wow, me? Regent Marshall?” said Li Jue. He ran to his witch crew, tripping over a drum kit in his eagerness. “This is all thanks to you!” he shouted, handing out tips.
“I have just about had enough of this guy,” said Yang Feng. “Does he reward us? No. Do we get any credit for the fights we win? No.”
“Plus, his goth phase is super annoying,” agreed General Song Guo.
Yang Feng snapped his fingers. “We’ll do it tonight. You attack inside, and when I hear a bomb I’ll rush on from the outside.”
Unfortunately for these two, Li Jue got wind of their plot and had Song Guo executed before he could light the fuse. Yang Feng got caught off guard waiting for the signal, and Li Jue attacked him. He ran away to Xian, yelping.
However, Li Jue was in serious trouble despite winning that round. Not only did he lose Yang Feng and his men, but many more soldiers began to desert. The situation was looking very grim for everyone when Zhang Ji came out of nowhere with an army.
“You idiots better stop fighting,” he said. “Next one to throw a punch, I will personally kick his ass!” Both Li Jue and Guo Si fell in line sheepishly.
“Next on the agenda,” said Zhang Ji, “We’re all going back to Luoyang. Well, as near as we can, considering it got burned to the ground.”
The Emperor was a big fan, and the whole court (now with enough food thanks to Zhang Ji), got ready to move. Li Jue’s men escorted them, and they made it to Baling Bridge without incident.
Suddenly, a wall of soldiers barred their way. “Who goes there?”
“The Emperor!” yelled Yang Qi, who was leading the imperial caravan.
“Bullshit,” said the head of the border patrol. “Guo Si told us to stop spies, which is what you probably are!”
At that, the Emperor drove up and stuck his head out of the Emperormobile. “It’s-a me!” he said.
“Well, shit,” muttered the border guards. “We’d better let you go, then.” They send a report to Guo Si, who blew a gasket.
“You idiots! You were supposed to capture the Emperor!” he roared, and had the hapless customs officers executed before chasing down the Emperor.
The Emperor and his party heard Guo Si’s army approaching, and were just crapping their pants when in swooped Yang Feng to the rescue.
Guo Si’s general rode out and shouted some insults, but Yang Feng only rolled his eyes. “Xu Huang? Where are you? Go get that guy, will ya?” Xu Huang rolled out and took the man out in one blow, and Yang Feng’s troops sent the rebels running.
The Emperor cheered from his carriage and thanked Yang Feng and Xu Huang. They continued on, and the next day Guo Si’s army attacked again. This time, the deus ex machina was Dong Cheng, the Emperor’s uncle, and the whole group continued on east towards Hongnong, where they were headed.
Guo Si headed back and met with Li Jue.
“The Emperor got rescued,” he grumbled.
“Rescued?”
“His uncle showed up. Now he’s out of both of our control.”
“That sucks,” said Li Jue, and they sat quietly for a while.
Guo Si sighed. “Remember old times? When we worked for Dong Zhuo? Massacring peasants side by side?”
“Yeah,” said Li Jue. “Those were some good times we had together. And later, when we took over, and our word was law. It was great. Before we started trying to kill each other.”
Guo Si caught his eye. “I regretted that the minute it started,” he said sadly.
“Me too,” said Li Jue. He paused to gather his courage. “Would you give me another chance?”
Guo Si hesitated and nodded. “Everybody hates us now. Our only chance is to stick together.”
“We can attack Hongnong when the Emperor gets there,” said Li Jue. “Enough of this kidnapping stuff. We can kill him, and rule together for real this time!”
Cue prolonged eye contact and a swell of gentle music.
The two baddies joined up their armies and headed to Hongnong, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Realizing they were hopelessly outnumbered, Yang Feng and Dong Cheng spirited away the Emperor and Empress, leaving all the courtiers, treasure, and records to fend for themselves. Li Jue and Guo Si sacked Hongnong and started to follow after the Emperor.
“This is hopeless,” said Yang Feng. “We’re outnumbered ten to one.”
“We could try paying the local bandits,” suggested Dong Cheng.
“That’s a terrible idea,” said Yang Feng, “but we don’t really have a choice, do we?” They hired the former Yellow Scarves Han Xian, Li Yue, and Hu Cai, and gave them pardons, money, and titles.
Meanwhile, Li Jue and Guo Si were forcing civilians to march in front of their army as cannon fodder, slaughtering old people, burning down villages, and generally being evil jerks. Li Yue approached them to attack.
“Those guys were robbers, right?” said Guo Si. “Throw money on the ground to distract them.”
“That couldn’t possibly work,” said Li Jue.
“It will,” insisted Guo Si, and had his men throw swag on the ground. Sure enough, the bandits went chasing after all the valuables, and got slaughtered while they were distracted.
The Emperor and his few loyalists ran away north. “Get on a horse, sire!” said Li Yue.
“I can’t just leave everyone behind…” said the Emperor.
Li Yue rolled his eyes. “The empire is falling apart, and you’re the thread it’s hanging by. Now isn’t the time for this noble leadership act.”
They struggled on, losing Hu Cai to a raid before they reached the Yellow River.
“I found a boat!” said Li Yue.
“We’re at the top of a cliff,” said the Emperor.
The Empress’ brother then popped out of nowhere. “Bedsheet ladder,” he explained, and held up a roll of silk.
The boat was too small for everyone, and the soldiers chopped off people’s fingers when they swarmed. By the time they got to the other side, only a dozen courtiers had survived. Yang Feng commandeered a cart, and the Emperor and his guards invited themselves into some random family’s house for the night.
“Do you have food?” they demanded.
“We have porridge,” said the nervous peasants.
The Emperor tried porridge for the first time in his life and gagged. “I know I’m fleeing for my life and lost all my attendants, but I’m still the Emperor! I can’t eat regular people food.”
They kept running the next day. The Emperor gave Li Yue and Han Xian the only thing he had left to give: more titles. A few days later, Yang Biao caught up, and brought his buddy Han Rong with him.
“I’m a good talker,” said Han Rong. “I’ll try to go talk the rebels down, okay?”
The Emperor stared. “It’s your life. Worth a try, I guess.”
What was left of the court moved to the small town of Anyi, and set up shop in some farmhouses. Li Yue and Han Xian promptly began throwing their weight around. They beat people up, got their loser friends promoted, and provided really bad catering.
Han Rong inexplicably managed to get Li Jue and Guo Si to back off, but that year there was a famine. The court was at rock bottom when two Governors sent supplies.
“We should go back to Luoyang,” said Dong Cheng. “It’s the real capital, after all.”
“It got burned to the ground,” said Li Yue.
Yang Feng shrugged. “It’s a fixer-upper. I’ve already hired contractors.”
“Fine, you go,” said Li Yue. “I’m staying here.”
“Who cares?” said the Emperor, and got ready to move. Li Yue went into an empty room and dialed Li Jue and Guo Si, but luckily someone overheard him and the Emperor set out with armed guards. Li Yue went after him with an army, even though the other rebels hadn’t called him back.
As the court passed through the Zhiguan hills, torches flared all around them.
“Halt! Li Jue and Guo Si are here!” cried a voice from the darkness.
Saxo Dramaticus 
And the death scene judges appear!
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