The late Oleif Hjalti had the standard three sons – Thorarin “Ragi’s Brother” Oleifson, Glum “Ragi’s brother” Oleifson, and Ragi “Ragi” Oleifson. All three were wealthy, and Glum was a handsome, dashing warrior. Thorarin was no slouch in that department, but he was a more studious type, and was the current lawspeaker of all Iceland. *
“HEY, RAGI’S BROTHER,” said Thorarin one day. “ARE YOU GOING TO NORWAY THIS YEAR?”
Glum winced. “Sorry, Ragi’s brother, can you turn off the Lawspeaker voice?”
“SORRY.”
“I was planning to spend a quiet summer at home, maybe,” said Glum.
“DID YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? I COULD SIGN YOU UP FOR BORGAFJORD TINDR.”
“I’ve been burned that way,” sighed Glum. “Dating isn’t for me. Maybe you could arrange something?”
“SURE, DID YOU HAVE ANY LADY IN MIND?”
“Oh, Ragi’s brother,” sighed Glum. “There’s only one woman out there for me, and it’s Hallgerd.”
Thorarin took a step back. “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ABOUT HOW SHE ORDERED A HIT ON HER FIRST HUSBAND?”
“Yes, but her husband hit her first,” pointed out Glum. “He deserved it. I’ll be a much better husband for her, and she definitely won’t kill me.”
“WELL, I KNOW THERE’S NO TALKING A RAGI’S BROTHER OUT OF THINGS,” boomed Thorarin. “I’LL SUPPORT YOU, RAGI’S BROTHER.”
Thorarin managed to procrastinate for a while, but by the end of the summer both of Ragi’s brothers were riding off to Hoskuld’s farm with twenty men. Hoskuld sent for Hrut at once, who came running. “What is it this time? What do they want?”
“Relax,” said Hoskuld, who was waiting on the porch. “We’ve just been chilling.”
“They’re going to ask for Hallgerd tomorrow,” said Hrut, whose psychic senses were tingling. “What are you going to tell them?”
“I’m just going to do whatever you say,” said Hoskuld. Hrut was a little shocked.
“I didn’t expect sanity from you. Tell them yes, but first warn them about Hallgerd, and more importantly Thjostolf.”
The brothers went back inside and had coffee with Thorarin, who got right to the point. “MY BROTHER GLUM WANTS TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER. WHAT DO YOU THINK? HE’S RAGI’S BROTHER, AND A GREAT GUY.”
“I know he is,” said Hoskuld. “You’re the Lawspeaker, and you’re both Ragi’s brothers, for goodness’ sake. But, just so you know, her first marriage ended… unfortunately. For us, but mostly for her first husband. He’s a very, very ex-husband now.”
“THAT’S FINE,” said Thorarin stoically. “IT WAS ALL THJOSTOLF’S FAULT ANYWAY. I’M SURE THEY’LL HAVE A VERY HAPPY MARRIAGE.”
“Hold up,” said Hrut. “A couple needs to agree on healthy boundaries to have a good marriage, so let’s you and I work that out now.** Put it in the marriage contract that Thjostolf can’t stay at Glum’s house for more than three days, or Glum has my permission to kill him. Also, we should probably ask Hallgerd her opinion this time.”
“THAT’S A VERY GOOD POINT,” agreed Thorarin, and on cue Hallgerd swept in, black cloak fluttering behind her. Under it her dress was bright scarlet, her belt silver, and her long hair golden. It was tucked into her belt to keep it out of the way, and also as an improvised push-up bra.
“Hello, gentlemen,” she said, sitting between Hrut and her father with a flourish.
“Did you have to wear the villain costume?” whispered Hrut.
“Yes, Uncle,” Hallgerd whispered back. “Matches my eyes.” She gave Glum a dazzling smile. “What’s up?”
“I want to marry you,” said Glum, smitten. “Your dad is okay with it, Ragi’s brother here is okay with it, but I still care what you think. Will you marry me?”
Hallgerd looked him up and down. “Ragi’s brother, you say? You seem nicer than my late husband, and I can definitely see myself falling in love with you. Have you made a deal with my dad yet?”
“We’ve just worked out the Thjostolf Rules,” explained Glum. “It limits the allowable amount of Thjostolf exposure.”
“Fair enough,” nodded Hallgerd. “Let’s do this.”
“As a widow, you can legally betroth yourself,” said Hoskuld generously. “Correct, Lawspeaker?”
“YES,” nodded Thorarin. “AND I’M JUST RAGI’S BROTHER TO FAMILY.” He smiled.
The rest of the deal was worked out easily – Glum and Hallgerd were to contribute equal property, the betrothal ceremony went off without a hitch, and Hoskuld’s farm was once again a-flutter with wedding plans.
* Incredible accomplishments, to be sure, but have you seen Ragi? He’s a busy man, and far too classy to show his face in this saga.
** Sadly, Hrut never did grasp irony.
Saxo Dramaticus 