The last plank laid, Jiang Wei dusted off his hands and wrote to Liu Shan.
Hey boss. I know I’ve accomplished nothing, but I think I scared them, at least.
Can I go fight again? Please? I have this whole army just lying around, and it would be a shame to waste it.
Liu Shan made it into a paper airplane and threw it at Qiao Zhou, who grimaced. “Your Majesty, have you seen the astrology reports lately? It’s a horrorshow. Don’t let him do it.”
“Meh, let’s see how it goes,” said Liu Shan.
“Okay, be that way,” said Qiao Zhou. “I’m calling in sick for the foreseeable future.” He swept out of the room. Liu Shan shrugged and signed his umpteenth war declaration.
Jiang Wei read it with satisfaction. “Where to this time? Liao Hua, it’s your turn to pick the target.”
“Goddammit, Jiang Wei,” said Liao Hua. “Even I have my limits. Have fun fighting Deng Ai.”
“If you’re going to be a spoilsport, you can stay behind on guard duty,” said Jiang Wei. “I’m picking. It’s Taoyang. Anyone who complains will get stabbed.” He set out right away, three hundred thousand redshirts in tow, and the Qishan watchtowers spotted them at once.
“It’s probably a diversion,” said Sima Wang. “He always hits Qishan.”
“No, I don’t think so,” said Deng Ai thoughtfully. “I think he really is attacking Taoyang.”
“Hmm, a double-bluff?” said Sima Wang. “Why do you say that?”
“Well, there’s nothing of value at Taoyang,” said Deng Ai. “So he’s probably figuring it’s undefended. But it’s not a bad place to store grain. And it’s near the Qiangs. He could use it as a base.”
“You might be right,” said Sima Wang. “So what should we do?”
“We go to Taoyang, obviously. You hide inside the city proper, and leave the doors open. I hide in a small town outside. We’ll surprise them. Shi Zuan, you’re in charge here.”
Leaving Qishan with his second, Deng Ai took off with Sima Wang.
Xiahou Ba narrowed his eyes at the open city gate. “Is this some kind of trick?”
“I think they all just ran away,” said one of his generals, pointing. Xiahou Ba peered through his binoculars. Sure enough, the road was crowded with fugitives.
“Huh. Guess it really is this easy, for once.” He waved his men inside.
As soon as they stepped through the front door, a bomb exploded in their faces. The door slammed behind them, and the lock clicked. Stones and arrows rained from above.
“Ah, bugger,” said Xiahou Ba.
“Bugger, indeed,” said a judge. “Last call for last words?”
“I’m good.”
When they’d finished off Xiahou Ba and his division, Sima Wang’s army poured out of the city and scattered the stragglers outside before being driven back by Jiang Wei. An abortive siege attempt was broken up by Deng Ai, and the Shu army was driven seven miles back.
“What was that I heard?” frowned Jiang Wei.
“I said, ‘This sucks,’” repeated the redshirt.
“Stop whining. We lose all the time,” said Jiang Wei, though his conscience gave him a twinge when he thought of Xiahou Ba. He pushed that down. “Next person who complains will be executed!”
The redshirts made some very sarcastic salutes. “Yessir!”
“Boss,” said Zhang Yi, before Jiang Wei could settle on which one to chew out, “If they’re all over here, they probably didn’t leave any major characters at Qishan.”
“Oh, you’re right!” said Jiang Wei, calming down. “You go do that, and I’ll stay here and try to draw Deng Ai out into a fight.”
So Zhang Yi headed out, and Jiang Wei rode down to the city walls and challenged Deng Ai, who accepted eagerly.
Thirty rounds of hacking and slashing went by in a blur, and the two warriors pulled back for a breather. “You’re good,” gasped Deng Ai. “That was amazing. Shame to end it all now, really…”
Jiang Wei paused. It had felt good. “We should do this again sometime.”
“Call it a draw?” said Deng Ai, lighting a cigarette.
“Sure.”
Both leaders rode back to their own sides.
Several days of hollering and mooning later, and Deng Ai suddenly sat bold upright. “Qishan! I forgot about Qishan! Where’s Zhong? Son, you hold the fort here, literally. I’m going to give Shi Zuan a hand.”
That night, Jiang Wei was having some alone time in his tent when a hullaballoo broke out. Wei soldiers surrounded the camp, blasting music out of their boomboxes and screaming.
“Boss! Boss! Can we fight?” called the generals, eagerly.
“No!” Jiang Wei yelled back, scrambling to make himself decent. “Ignore them. No one goes outside. Just go back to sleep.”
Sure enough, a few minutes later the noise died down.
“See?” said Jiang Wei, sticking his head out. “Told you.”
“Or they could be getting ready for an attack,” said a junior general.
“No, it was just a feint,” said Jiang Wei. “He’s gone off to help Qishan. Which is why I’m heading there now, too.” He ran off, leaving the siege in the hands of Fu Qian.
Zhang Yi was doing quite well against Shi Zuan, who had barely any soldiers and hadn’t expected him. It really seemed that Qishan was, finally, going to fall – when Deng Ai showed up. Zhang Yi promptly scuttled away, only for Jiang Wei to appear as soon as he poked his head out from behind the nearest hill. “Hey, boss,” he said awkwardly, and ran back into the fray.
When morning came, Deng Ai was back in one of his Qishan camps and Jiang Wei was setting up a newer and hopefully better siege.
As all this was happening, Liu Shan was riding the party train 24/7, and Huang Hao was the conductor. Government? What government?
One of the officials who was still around was a Liu Yan, but not the one from the beginning. Liu Yan 2.0 was mainly notable for having a super-hot wife named Lady Hu. Lady Hu was BFFs with the Empress, and one day she went to a sleepover party that stretched on for a whole month.
When she finally got home, Lady Hu opened the door to find her husband crossing his arms and scowling. “You were cheating on me with the Emperor, weren’t you?”
“At the Empress’ house?” said Lady Hu. “How awkward would that be?”
“I knew it!” said Liu Yan-but-not-that-one. “You dirty slut!”
“What the hell?” said Lady Hu. “Even if I was, how do you say no to the Emperor? It’s the third century, for fuck’s sake.”
“Excuses, excuses,” said Different Liu Yan, and whistled. In trooped five hundred redshirts. The first one knocked Lady Hu to the ground, and the rest formed an orderly queue to kick her in the face. Poor Lady Hu didn’t stay conscious for long.
When she awoke, Lady Hu was boiling with rage – third century or no, she wasn’t going to stand for such treatment. Marching straight back to her parents’ house, she filed a police report.
When Liu Shan heard about it, he was obviously horrified. “I demand a full investigation!”
The magistrates looked over the report, and gasped in shock. “He used redshirts to punish her?”
“Yup,” said the police.
“Redshirts for personal use? That’s a misuse of government resources! Liu Yan-not-Zhang’s-dad is definitely guilty of abusing his position.”
“…I’ll take it,” said Liu Shan. He had Other Liu Yan beheaded. Then, precisely no lessons learned, he got right back to partying. A few employees came in to quit their jobs, which he ignored completely.
Finally, someone came in looking for a job.
“Check this guy out,” said Huang Hao, with a sweeping gesture. Liu Shan looked the warrior up and down. He was certainly built.
“Did you hear how Jiang Wei lost again?” continued Huang Hao.
“Not specifically, but I was kind of assuming,” said Liu Shan.
“He lost badly.”
“See above.” Liu Shan nibbled on a goldfish cracker.
“So how about you replace him with my friend Yan Yu here?” Huang Hao pointed to the warrior, who waved awkwardly.
“Yeah, no prob,” said Liu Shan. “Give me the paperwork, I’ll sign.”
A redshirt knocked on Jiang Wei’s door. “Boss?”
“Go away! I’m planning a grand scheme for defeating Deng Ai.”
“I have a message for you,” said the redshirt. “From the Emperor.”
“…Slip it under the door.”
A pause, a shuffle. Jiang Wei coughing, a little too loudly.
“Boss?”
“What?”
“Another message from the Emperor.”
“Does it say the same thing?”
“I don’t read private messages from the Emperor,” said the redshirt indignantly. “Yeah, it pretty much does.”
“All right. Can it wait?”
“Not really…”
“Another five minutes?”
“Um, a third one just arrived.”
“Fine!” Jiang Wei flung the door open. “All right, all right. I get the message. Pack up.”
“Huh,” said Deng Ai, from the top of his battlements. “They’re beating drums. Looks like they’re moving away.”
“Should we chase him?” asked a general.
“No, I don’t want any massive wildfires.”
Ten days later, Jiang Wei showed up at the capital. “Where’s Liu Shan?”
“Tell him I’m busy,” said Liu Shan, ducking away from the window. Try as he might, Jiang Wei couldn’t get past the impenetrable layers of guards and bureaucrats. Finally, he gave up trying and simply camped on Liu Shan’s doorstep, reasoning that he had to come out at some point.
After a very boring half-day on an uncomfortable ‘Welcome’ mat, Jiang Wei finally spotted a friendly face. “Hey there!” waved Secretary Xi Zheng. “No offense, but what the hell?”
“I’m not leaving till I get an explanation for my recall,” said Jiang Wei. Xi Zheng stared at him. “You don’t know? It was Huang Hao. He wanted to replace you with his friend Yan Yu, but it was really just a ploy to end the war.”
Jiang Wei gnashed his teeth. “I need to get rid of that creepy eunuch.”
“Shhh!” said Xi Zheng. “You can’t just shout out your intention to kill the Emperor’s best friend right outside the palace. Did Zhuge Liang teach you to be that dumb? Plus, ‘that creepy eunuch’ is pretty bigoted, yikes.”
“You’re right,” said Jiang Wei sheepishly. “I’ll just go say it to his face instead.” He pushed open the front door, shouldered his way past the guards, and ran out onto the back patio where Liu Shan and Huang Hao were enjoying a couple of beers.
At the sight of the furious general, Huang Hao yelped and disappeared behind the barbecue. Jiang Wei bowed before the Emperor. “Why did you call me back? I was winning!”
Liu Shan dropped his head on the patio table and said nothing.
“Also, Huang Hao is evil! He’s everything wrong with the country right now, and if you could just let me kill him, everything would be great.”
“Is Huang Hao the one spending every penny we have on failed wars against more powerful neighbours?”
“Huh?”
“He’s literally just my drinking buddy,” said Liu Shan. “Why do you hate him so much?”
“Because he’s evil,” said Jiang Wei, and smashed his forehead right through the glass table. Liu Shan practically jumped out of his skin.
“Why do you always have to be so dramatic? If you like someone, they’re the most amazing thing in the world and you can’t live without them. If you don’t like them, then they’re evil monsters you need to kill. For fuck’s sake, Jiang Wei, you have bigger issues than my choice of friends.”
“But he really is evil,” hissed Jiang Wei.
“No, he’s not. Have you even met him?” Liu Shan turned to the barbecue. “Huang Hao, come out and show this idiot exactly how evil you are. Apologize for being so evil.”
Huang Hao peeped out, tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry. I’m not evil or corrupt, that’s all fake news. If you want to kill me, do it, but at least look me in the face first.”
“I hate you,” said Jiang Wei, and stormed out of the palace, leaving Liu Shan to comfort Huang Hao. Xi Zheng was waiting outside. “How did that go?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I figured,” said Xi Zheng. “You’re going to get yourself killed, you know that? And then we’ll get invaded, I guess.” He sighed.
“Tell me how to fix this,” begged Jiang Wei.
“Well, you could try not deliberately antagonizing the Emperor and his personal friends,” said Xi Zheng. “But it’s a bit late for that, so I suggest making yourself scarce. You know how the past, uh, fifteen? Is it fifteen? I’ve lost count – campaigns failed because you ran out of food? Have you thought of doing something about that?”
“Huh?”
“There’s this thing called farming,” said Xi Zheng, slowly and clearly. “Tazhong’s nice at this time of year. Go there, see the sights, start a nice large-scale agricultural project. In a year or so, when this has blown over, you can start a new war, and this time you’ll have enough food.”
Jiang Wei gaped. “Why have I never thought of that before?” He sent a proposal to the Emperor, who was more than happy to ensure he wouldn’t see Jiang Wei for at least a year and signed off on it right away.
Before he left for his farming sabbatical, Jiang Wei left his officers spread out over forty-eight strategically placed camps along the border. Deng Ai’s spies sniffed around them for a while, and when the Wei leader had a solid idea of what the setup was, he sent a detailed map to Sima Zhao.
T̩̻̬̥͖̫̽h̻̤̥͓͕̞͑i͓͕̣̞̥̮̠̎͒́ͯs͎ͩ̂ ̳ͬ͛̽̆i͒͛͌̔s̥͍̔̂ͧͣͫͤ̚ ̙̲b͖ŭl̰̯̣̿͐ĺ͚̦̻̭̬̺̄̎̑̚s̗̪͈̘̤̳ͭh̘̦̖͈̝ͬ̋i̱̰̦ͯt̖͇̳̽ͦ̅.̖̖͚͖̰͕̽ ̦̘̺͙̳͂̉ͪ̚Ì̞͔̞̹̳̝͉͆ ͈͎̘̱̠̼w̲̟͔ͤ̐ͯ̐̀ͮ͂a̗ͅn̼̜̑̑ț̍̓̓ ̻̬̠̥̓̅̑͊͂̐t̪̉ͯ͊o̦͈̊ͨ ͉̭̟͇̑ͬ̏̅ͩi̘̣̺̩ͩͭ̑̍̚n͗̊̌̇͂̂̚v̘̟̆͂̈̓̎̓͛a̫̫͕̥ͤͫ͛ͩͅd͈̯̼e̜̰,͎̰̭̫̩͉ͮ͊ ̪̥̞̜̥͋ͥ̈̐͐̄a̭̘̬̅n̟̗̼̮͐̏͊d̦̥ͭͦ̐̓ ̊ͪ͊̃̏̈w̦͚̙̜̗ͫh̞̘͉ͨ̌̈́ͥ̒̈́̚a̠̤̭̠̓ͯ̂t̤̠̠̻̞̐ͥ̔͋ͩ͂͑ ̥͖̣͕́̏͆ͧ̌̚ḭ̙s̑̍̎̆͌̐ ̱̻ͫ̐͒tͯ͒͂ͦ͌ͫ̊ͅh͈̳ͣ̅͐ͤ͑̔̑is̙̲̭̯̭̹̦̅ͦ̌ͨ͂ͪ ̦̠̝̩͎̝ͤ̌̏̉̋̋̚Ì͓̦̯̝̪͙̻ͧ̌ͯ͑̓ ͫ̃s̲̎̌͌ͧé̺̟̲̹ͅe̳?͚̖͉ͣ̈͐̄͊͂̚ ̺͛̂D͚̑ͩe̗̼ͨ͆ͫͦf̫̦̓e̺̯n͉̎ͫ͗s̩͇̞̯̘ͬē͈s̥̟ͯ͋͆͗͆̒?͓̣͇͍̆
“We could try assassinating Jiang Wei,” suggested Jia Chong, but another advisor, Xun Xu, shook his head. “Have you seen what’s going on in Shu these days? Liu Shan’s spending all his time partying with this Huang Hao guy, and Jiang Wei’s only one step above exiled in disgrace. We can just attack.”
Ȋ͕ͣ̂ͥͯ̈̐ ̭̖̊ͩ̄ͬͬ̚a͙̫̖͉g̯̯̤̪̱ͥ̐ͯ̎̔̀̊r͗͊͗e̼̞̞ͬͅeͮͪͬͬ̽,͚̼̜͚̙ͤͫ͒̇̉ͩ ̻̥̱͍̝͈n͇̼̋ỏ̖̳̥͙w͉̟̐ͫ̀́’̘̮̻͙̮̫̃̄̊̾s̪̓ ̃͆͐t͈̦̐̒h͍̜͍͉̘̐é̹͖͇͙̑ ̔̑ͨ͂ͤ̑͑t̞͖̠̼̐͂ͨ̂i̹̙̼̦̒ͣ͒̓̏ͫm̤̯̱͛̓͂̏ͧͬé͙̆.̜̝̮̼̬̗̥ͭͦ̓͋ ̰͖̗͉̪W̍̒ͩ̏͑h̲͈ͣͮ̔͌ͮ͆̾o̼͑͋͂ͪ ͈͔̆̄s̘͑h̟̥̉õ͖͖̐̏ͫ̎̚u̠͓̻̖͊̿͗̎̽ͥͅl̰̦̊͑ͪ͐d̩̻͚̺̫̙ͭ̓ͦͭ͗ͅ ͗lͤ̈́͗̇ḙ̪̟̈̅̿ͪa̲̙͙̲̺̘̱ͩ̐ͦd̖̪̪̖͈̦͋̒͊͛̅ͪ ̜͉̓̈́ͩͪͫ͒ẗ́̓͆ͪ̒h̳̹̗̼́ͭe̫̫̋ͅ ̗̖̮̋ͪͬ͒a͕̥͕̻̪͊͛͐̎̚t͇͇͓̪̦̉ͯ̓́ͨt̗̣̼̿̽ͅa̫̽̌c̥͇͉͚͇̘̹̆̑ͬ̓̄̿k͇͈̔͗͑ͥ͑̑?͚͓̜̞́̌̿͛̾̿
“Deng Ai’s the best of this generation,” said Xun Xu. “Him and Zhong Hui. Let’s send both.”
A̮͇̻̩̭̩͕͊ͨ̈́͐̽̇g̱͕̫̳̭̟̫ͪ̈̾̆r͔̈́̐e͈̗͙̦ͅė̋ͧ̃̿̈d̰̎͂ͬ.̽͑̓͐ͭ̋
Sima Zhao called Zhong Hui into the room.
Ȧ̝͈̦̾̔̋ͅr̖̣͛̋̍ͥe̱̙̾̇̀̉ ̱̺ͮ͒̈͒̐͑ÿ̟̫̞̯̖͉́̃͛͗o̪̫͈̯̝͌ͪ̏͑ͅu͈̼̩̟͂̉͂́̒ ͚̯̘̏̋͆̎ͪ̃b̤̜͙̖̦̣̜̆̂̅̽ǘ̪̮̗̹̩̊͊͒̌ͅs̯̪̪̪̪ȳ̩͉̻̬̙ͬ̎?̞͆͑̓ͣͬͅ ̯͖͖͈͔̂̌I̯͍̖̗̠͙ͤ̑̌̾’̘͇̞͚͉͇͉͋͗̊d̯͓͔͈̣ͮͪ̀ͬ̅ ̤̺̆̄͆̔͒̍̅l̩̜̻̑̀̉ͪ͌̚i͎͔͌̓k͖̝̰̅ẻ̪ͮ̽ͥͮ̊ ̱̹̻̹̩͓̩͒̓̊t̻̝͚̹͇̄ͧ̈̅͑̍o̒͆͂ ͔͈̲̻͔̯͆͆̆̌s̉̈́̌͛̊ͭ̌e͇̫̾ͩ̈̌ͥ̃n̻̲͒ͫͯd̹̥̖̝̳̐ͫͭͨ ͬ̽̇y̗̲̫͔̲̞̬ͪ̍ȯ̝͈͎ͬͪ͒̉̾̽u̬ͬ̄̃̇̌ͨ ̼͎̪͒̄t͕̼̺͂͐́̽̊́̔o̱̠͇̲͙̦̮ͯ̏̂͒ ̮̝̮̯ͤͥ͗̔̉ͅiͪ̓n͉̝͙̦͉̜v̝͔̜̹͉͙̪ͩ̈́ͧ̉̾͗ͪaͭ́d̄ͫ̌ȇ͓̝̯͎̔ͪ͆̎̀ ͉̳̊̀̃̊ͥW̟͉̲̻̻ͧ̍̀u̦̯̙̤̝̝͍͊̑̑̓̅͗̚.̰̼̹̩̼͚̣̿̂̆̿
“You mean Shu, right?”
H̞̗̟͉̘͉͆o̗͇w͈̣̱̾̏ͬ̄ͧ̅̾ ͉̦̊͑ͯ̐d͖͈̠̘̩̬̞ͣ̃̎̔ͩͤ̚ĭ̦͍̲͙̞͕ͩ̿d̼̎̉ͫͥ̐ͯͅ ̘͖̣̓ͣ̊ͨy̗̰̙o̞̰͓̭͛ͫͭ̾ͅu̠̬̗̤ͧ̀ͮ̀ͬͅ ̤̝͖͖̀̍ͥ̽k̰̳̬̀͗n̩̬͑̄̈́o̙̟̙̙̤͚̓͊w͍?͉͕̰̪̗ͮ̀̎ͬ̾ͯ̅
“Because fuck Shu,” said Zhong Hui. “I have a plan of attack all ready, actually. I carry one at all times.” He pulled a sheaf of paper out of his sleeve and handed it to Sima Zhao, who flipped through it.
Iͧ̐̒͊̈ ̘͓͓l̫i̞̤̥͖͉͍̰͑͑̈̔͑̾̿k̪̑͌͐ẹ̅̀͗ͬͨͯ ͎̻̂͗ĩ͈̲͙̗̙̼̽͊ͅt̠̲̥͖̳͖ͪ.͍̙̖̭̽ ̙͔̠̓ͬA̝̱̙̯̙̦͓ͪr͈̯̃ͬ̽̑é̮̼̞̰̖̳̳̐ ̭̪̱̔͑̏̏̽̀̚y͚̻̘̙̼̝ȍ̤͕̯̞̜̩̣ùͯͥ̏̓ͯ ̤̟͈̀̀c̜̯͉͔ͪo͉̟m͎f͉̟̄̄̅ō̖̭̤̌ͫ̐̾r͎͍̣̗̘ͨ͊̏̀t̪̯̒ͭ̂̏ă̫̯̺̺̟̼̞͑b̼̐̐ͮ͊̓́͂l̼͎̩͈̪̫̤͐ͩͧͫe̘̗̙̘ ͔͒ͤ̀̍w̲̅ͨ̇ͣ͗̚o̾́̐͐r̲̯̈̒̌̎ͤk͖̜͙͈̮ͣị̰̥̘͇̬̿ͥ̇ͯͯͅn͉̫ͦ̌̅̚g̲̦͓̞̬̓ͪͮͪ̿ͦͨ ͒w̳i̗̤͙̙͕͉̔͗̐t̜̩ͣ̀ͨ͋͛h͈͈̪̪͒ͫ͋̍͑͛̒ D̰̀̃ͨͭe̱̖̫̘̟n̺ͯͫͮͪ͛g̳͉̳͍̟̩̓ͬ ̞͊͋̒A̺̰ͥ̿̔ͩ̽ͤì̭̳̤̝̝̤̫̒͆̈́ͭ?͕͇ͮͤ̇̓́ͪ
“As long as we are in the same room as little as possible,” said Zhong Hui. “Shu’s a big place. We can probably attack along two different lines and barely see each other.”
T͓̥͒͂̇̓̍ͥh̜ͩͧ̌̂̑ͫá̗̟̱̰̾̆ͨͅṭ̞͕̰ͭ’̤̥̜̯̪ͭ͂̇́s̩̖̉ ̹̤̥̤̹̿ͣ̂h̠͕̼ow͚̭͓͇̳ͤ͆̿̽̎ ̲ͥ͐İ͕͗̇̃̓͆̾ ̣̪̦̽̊ͤͪl̤̦̺̺̹ͭ̌ͅi̟̥̓̍̓k͎͎̗è͇͇̮̖̤͐̃̃͒ͣ̾ ̻͈͔̼̣̍̓̓m̟͇̰ŷ͍͎̖̖̌ͯͯͪ̚ ̹̙͎̖͙̩̞̄ͧ̅c͎̝̻̙̤͐͋a̔͊͐͂ͭ̚m͖̆͑̂̅͗p̺̤̺̟̜͖ͪͪ͒aͥ̉̒ͪͥ̚i̫͛͐ͦ̊̈ġ̦͔̳͙͈͈̼͌͂ͦn̝̟͓̟̘̮ͪͦͩ̿ͣͯ̓s̳̪͎̋ ̬͖̙ru̠̍ͤ̈͑ͧ͂̉n̊ͧ̎͑̓.͖͈̱͗͒ͦ̽ ̩̲̍̃͒Ụ̰͎͇̩̎̉n̪̯͉̞̣̖̻͒͗c͖̭̄̈́̎ͫ̐o̭͕̖ͧ̎̒ͤͯ̚o̥̳̙̜̘̹̽̿̄r̮͍̞̹̦ͬd̖̯̻̫̳̘ͨͭͫ͆͊̄i̜̘̟͑͂n̄à͎̗̹̪̮̘͑ͨt̗̪e̔̆̄d̼̫̳͇̱͗ͪ͗ ̯̬̖͉͈͒a͙͎͎̟̩ͯͨ́n̗dͥ̽ͧͧ ̰̖͋͊̅ͪ̄ͤ̏f̘͉͖͚̼͗ͯ͂̇ͪu̳̇̿̂͆͋̃ͦl̪̬̞̙ͦͦͪ̌ͅͅͅl͉͙̣͓̱͒ͫ͊̿́̂̒ ̬̋̀̍ö̬̮͔̗̬͂̐̂f͚̩̼͙̱̘̟̈́̈́̒͛̈́ ̟̟̥̞̆̓̓̀d̜̯̙̳͉̈́̈e̤̅̔̌ḷ̯͚̼i̳̻̲̓͛c̒̈̐͌i̖̮͇͔͌oͨü̗̠̞̘̤̥ͨ̏͑ͭ͗s̱̭̪̫̤̜ͫͮ̎̚ ͖̻͍͊͂h̺̗̎͒̅a̱̋ͨ̎ͫ̄tr͕̰̙͇̮͇ͣ͋̅̊ͨe̩̫̠ͫ̂̅d̖̞̹̖̩̣ͯ͆ͩͦ.̪͔̣͂̈̃
Soon, Zhong Hui was on his way west with an army, and a messenger was speeding to Deng Ai carrying his orders. As they left, General Deng Dun came to see Sima Zhao.
“Boss, is that really a good idea? Shu’s far away, and if something goes wrong, it’ll take weeks to send any help. Wouldn’t it be better just to defend the border and wait for them to implode?”
F͒̾ͧu͚̥͆ͥ̉̆ͨ̓̐c̿̌ͣ͋̿̈́k̂͛͒̐̌ ̹̉̄̊S͔̳̘͕͔ͧ̋h̹͍̘̙̹͉̟ͬ͗͐̔u̯͖͍̩̟̐͗ͪ̌͒͐ͅ,͓̪̟̫͊̂̐̓ͅͅ said Sima Zhao, and turned to the executioners. F͎̥͓̭̬͍̲̊̇ḙ̟̹̱̞̘̤̐e͍ͭ̇̾d̋ͬͪ̇͋͂͆ ̯̺̠͓͎̮̓̂ḿ̲͛ͤ̀͛ê̲ͪ ͎͇͍̟̩̜̉̏t̉ͭḫ̙̼̤̬͎͎ͧ̈ͥi͒͗̀s̗͖̏̑̏ͯͮ̚ ̜̊ͫͮ̍̇ͥm̭̮̪͖̱̪̓a̘͐̃ͦ̍n͎͚̺̒ͮ͂̋̋’̟̏͗̋̄͑s̝̍̀͌̋ͬ̾ ̰ͧ̇͊̍h̙̝͖̥͚̼ͬ͌e̜͙͍̰̺͐̌̈́̒̎̇á̬͍̹̋d̮̙̞̥̹̊͑.̬̜͎̱̎ͭ̒̑̋̾
They returned with the severed head of Deng Dun moments later, and Sima Zhao consumed it happily, ignoring his courtiers’ green faces.
N̠̘̐̓̽o̫̙͚̅̐͗ͥ̉̂̏ẇ̭͊ͪͅ,ͤ͐̓̀͌ ̰͈͍̃̋ͩ̓̾Î̭̙͚̺̲̙̈́̊͗͑ ̗̦̥͔̤̯͂́͛̋w͇ͫ̔͌ͨa̞̲̲̩̤͍ͯͯ͆̑͗n͓͉͉͓̓̿̐̚̚t͋ ̭͙̼̘̬͉ͤ̌̌͐ͪ͑y̼o̫͈̼u̲̱ ͔̜̤̲͒̀̿̆ạlĺ͍̯̤ ̙̼͛ͪͥ̎͆͑͂t̞̲̹̂ͮ̋o̊ͮ̈́̀͑ ̝̜͎͌ͫ͛l͕̖͎̫̙̀͂̈ì̜̪̲͒ͦ̌ŝ̲̤̩̬͕ͩ́t͋̈e͇̘̜n̎̎͑ͨ̋ͧ ̣̖͕̦͍͎́͛̔ͥͮt̓ͥo͕͕̠̲̩͈ ̖͗̓̚m̙̤̮̩e̥ ̪ͬͪͥ̾̄ͫ̑v̬̥̣̉ͩ̄ͭ̎ė̻̙̖̜̑̾ͥȑ̝ỳ̲̙̻ͫ́͋̒̓ ̙̜̣̠͚͗̀̾̈́̈ͅc̦̓a̼̳̠̣ͬ̆͐͑r̫͖ͫe͖͇͈ͫ̈́̎̿͛f̯u̫̺̖͙̭̦͊ͤ̍̐̓l̗̫͈̠̮̖l̼̰̹̣͗͆̈͐ͪ̔̚yͬ͛̈ͬͣ̑:̅͋ͮ͐̒ F͔̥̣̪ͪu͓̼͎̟̼̰͛̃̊͌ͩ̎̉c̝̖̰̤ͧ̈̅̉̈k͓ ͙̍̂̈̐S̹̥͛h̟u̙͍͓ͦͅ.̟͔͓̽̊͛ͩͥͅ ̅̀̀͊ͨ̋F̻ͧ̐̓̽̾ŭ̗̩ͣ̽͋c͔̝k̘̮̬̞͎̃̂ͯͥͫ̓ ̯͇̘J͎̖̜͙͂ia̘̅́nͪͅg̲̮̗̒̍̎̓̽̅ ̯͉͙͍̄̿̿̉̎W͖e͍̱̻̮̞͓ͬ̄̐̄̎i̲͎̣͍̟̲ͤ ͈̬̬̺̲̦ͧä̓̄̀̇n̟̒ͭ̃̇ͤd̗̫̘̞ ̹̭͙̺͗h̰͉ͧ̒̔͆isͬ̉̈ ̞̬ͅeͧl͈͔̣̬̪͉ͦͬ̈͆ͯe̠̪͇͎̻̩̐̂ͤv̹̓̇̎̏̂en̰̬t̬͍̩̓͆́yͧͩ ͑͑͌̂͊m̯ͣ͌̓̓i͒̏̀͆l̞͈l͖̟͍ͧͦ̌̽i̺̰̫̘̗͛o͇͎͍͖n̳̥̬͚͚̯ͯ̓̅́̑ͩ ̰͖͖͓̺̮̈͒̉͛̽i̱͇̘͙͑̓̅̍ͮ̽ͭͅnͪv̤̣͐ͨ̍̔ͫ̆̓a̒̔s̹̓̈́̈́ͣͅiͥ̓̎ón̏s ͍̪̼́̅ͤ̔ṫ̠̩̖̯͇ͤͤ̄ͅhͥͤ̽̍̔̈́͛ā̓t̩̰̩̖̮̲ ̺̦͐̆ͅȟ͓̲̋ͭ̍ă̘̻͗́̔̌v̏͒͛̒͂̿̃ͅe̟͙͉̾͊̊ͤ ̜̈́̓ͧͥ͆c̞̖͚̹͒͊͆ͥo̒̽ͤs̯̦̣ͭ̑̔ͧ̔͌t̼͍̝ ̖͕̙͖̞u̯͕ͨ͆̓͊̍ͭ̌s̼̑ͭ͛̽ ̌̚t̳̟͓̹͍̋ͣ̏́ͫh̰̦̥́̍ͭoũ͉ͧ̈́͒s͎̾̓̊̄aͦn̫̲̼̰̽ͯd̺̗ͦ̇s̳̅ ͦo̒̇̒̓̍̽̏f̓͒̏ ̘̳̘̉ͩͫl̗̱̱͎͍͓͛ȋ͈̹͚̏́́͑v̉̑ͨ͒e̎ͦs̖̻͚̮̓ͪ͂̚.̝̦͔̱̬̈ ͉̞͔͍͂ͣF̈́̋͋͑͌ͦǘ̲͉̖̟͍̎̅̐ͥc̼̻̺͎̯̙͋̒̒̾k̅ͪ̓ ̥̈ͨL͔̰̣̗̖̯͋ͥ̎ͨ̍iu͎̤̭͋ͥ̅̅̏̽ ̬̾̈͊̆ͭͫSͯ̾͊͊͂h̃ͨ̈̿ͣ̌̇å̟̪̱̥̫͙ṅ̔̅ͯͪ ͓͈̤̝̪̗̂ͬ̌͐̽͌̈́a̤̮͎n̞͋ͨ̎͂d̙͙̱͂ ̝̩̟͕̐ͦ̚ḫ̺̖͍ͅiͫ̊̒̅̓s̩̭̗̳̙̼̀̈ ̮̳̝̮͈̻̋̈́̅͋͂ͦd̾ͩͯ́u͚̯̺͔̘ͧ̇͆mḅ͙̗̎ ̤̱̽h̑̌ͫ̽eͯͯ̒ͪ͒̓a̱̖d͉̯̞͚͖̪͗ͤͧͣͪ̇ ͐̓i̮̼̬̤ͮ͑̊ͬ̂͑n̽̀̏ͤͅ ̬̘̰͈̺̊̒ͮtḣ̲̘̻̹̏ͫ͂͊ͫͯͅe̦ͦͫ͑̿̈ ͚͙̭ͨ͌ͪ͆̉s̳͕̝̠̱͍͂ă̼̫̳̹ͭ́n̹͍͕͍͑̎͂ḍ̞̱̰ͅ.̳̱̬̜͕͇̍̉ͫ͑ͫ ̪͆̽ͪ͋̆ͩF̮̪͂ͯụ̯̬̥̤̥̑̐ͪ̎c͈͇̪͍̤͈k ͖̠͎͙͂̇ẽ̹͙̹͊̀̏v̭̫͙̿̅͂ͩ̆ͨȅ̙r̪̲̣̫̄y͐ͮͯͣͮ͆͑t͇͇̘̦̰̤̅̀̔̓͆h̳͓̩͛̈́ͭ͆̐͌i͒̿̓̂̆̍n̟͈̰̟͖̋ͩ̎̋ͣͤ̓g̲͂̎̌̍͐ͅ ̝̲̺͕͎a͉̎̾b͓͈̘͙o̼̼͚͙͕ͨͤͧ̽̍͆ͪu̠̭̾̃̍̃̌t͙̺̫̤͎͙̊̓́̔̌ ̤͕̃̾̔͒ͥ͆t̫̼̪̻ͅh̝̳ͣͨͬ͑̏a̿ẗ̰̞́ͭ̔ ͔̬̦̙̣̞̾̐ͣp̒̿͐̒͒l̀̓̍͆̊a͓̯̗̝͊͗̍̉ͫc̲̙͋e̤̱̟̩̅ͥ̈.̼̩̘̺ͪ̆ ͖͍͔̹̔́ͫͦIͯ̐̋’̍ͮͤm̮͖̘ ͛̿s̈́͆̎̍ͭ͑ͩe̖̻ͩ̇ͨ̚n͓̍͂ͭd͙̞̟̗̤̍ͯ̏ͅi̦̹͖͖̯̗̿ͨ̋̈̃n͛̈̑ͧ̿̏g̤͉̬ͫ ȁ̺͍̤̠̣̫ ̳̗̻̺̻̓͒ͤ̒ͭm̖̼̭͐̈́̈́̋̒̊a̓́͋͛ͧ͒s̥̳̖s͖̬̥͈͕͂i̝̘̅̚v̌̈ͨ̈́̽ͥe̼̼̝͎̐ a̘r̓̒͂̒my͚͓̯̯̠ͫͯ͌ͥ ̱̘t̯̬ő͈͋ ̔̊̔ͣc̥̳͉̪͕r̭̭̮ͤ͒̔̂ͭ̎̚u͑̄͌ͩ̊̍s͛̾̂h̟̟̲̜͉̟̋ ̒̍͛̊t̘̣h̪̱̟̞̓ͯe͙̅̋ͯ̽̍͋̇ͅm̼̳̠͙̔ͤ̊̔͌̋ ̝̝̜͇̺̜i̬̝̹ͤͨ̆͑̂͗n̯͈̹͓̱̊͌ͧtͨ͛o͑ ̹̯͖̤͎̬̒ṱ̝̬̣̲ͧ͌͆h̄̔̈́̚e̩͚̟̞ͣͮ͋ͭͮ̓ ̰̺͕ͤͯ̏͂g̯͎̪͔͖͌͑̓͊ͤͮ̂r̋̌̇̂ͣ̚o͚̼̟͛ͧ͐̚u͈ͩ͗̾n̅͗ͫ̃͂̔̈́d͇̈́̊́ͪ̑ͣ ̻̭̣̪̊̓̊̄̆s̲͖̗̥͂̍ͯͧ̚o̗ ̫̀ͮͤͅt̲͖̑ͬ̀̈ͧh͓̺̞͇̟͚ͩ̈́ͩe̱̙͈ͯ͐y͓̪͋́ ̫̖̰̮͇͈̂n̘̺̳̮ͨé̉̓̿̉̑v͍̺̱̣̤̫ẹ͈̠͇ͫ͑̊ͥ̈́͒ṟ̳͉̺̝͉̬̯͉ͦ̿ͩ͑͑ b̓o͊͋̒̍ͅț̺̳̍̈́ͣh͎͍ͨͥ̇̀ẹ̯͔͆r̼̼͎̄͒̓ͭ̓ͨ̚ ̤͓̘̱̜͕ͪ͒͊̇u̗̒̑ͦs͎̜̙̬̽ͯͯ͗ͬ̋̃ ̲̹̱̾̀͒͗̃å͈̤̳̳͇̖̑͐̋̒̑g̥̗͙͔̳̼̓a̳͉̗͈̭̝̋i̗̩̠ͅn̲̿.̇̉ ̗̠̓̅͛͋A͙̭͕̯̦̍ͅf̳͓͚t͛̐́e͈̲͈̲̦̣͊̏̒̆ȓ̊̉ ̑̌͒͛t͈͇͈̰͈͐́͗͆h̘͗̾̋̒̚a̻̣̙͉̯̖ͨ̀̊̏ͦ͂ť̌̅̓,̭͙̘̺͎͆ ͑sͬu̺̰̙̯̲̗͐̾ͥ́̑̀̚r̩̳͍̯̫͈e̺̾ͤ,̆̑̐ͤ͗́ ̗͚͔̜͈̀ͅw̏ͯ̔ͦe͚ ̘͒ͣc̎ͪ̀̂ͦͥ̐a̺̣͚ͨ̈́̎̾̂̆̅ǹ͋̄ ͤa̭͎̮ͥ̒ͭ͛n̪n̒͆͑e̐̄̄͛̓ͯͫx̺̥͚̦͈̾̌̽͒ͣ̐ ͉W̗̟̗̋̃u̘̣̮̜.͋ͧ̋̅͗̇̾ ̠̳̲̰͈̀̾B̹̱͇͍̄̓̔̄̇̈ù̫̖̇̀̓tͥ͒ͭ ̪͎̫̅̽̍̚f̯͉i̫ͨ̒̇ͯr̿͋͌s̔̐̔ṫ̻̯̰̯̀ͩ,̯̣̮͔͓̤ ̞̙͈̭͊l̥̲̤̓ͭͭͅḁ̲̤̪ͮͮ͂s̤͙̜̱͖̭̏ͩ̄̍̾ͧͭt̩̩̜̤͔̂͆ͅ,͈͑̿̿ ͙͖̯̥̐͛͒͗ͯͮ̓a͓͍̦̫̩̹ͨñ͓̜̳̦̙̈̓͋d͉͕̮̓͂͆ͬ ̮̮̰̻̩̠͌̍ͫ͐͌f̝̃̔ͬ͌͛o̖͕̰̣̼̾͒̑r̞̮͂ͮe̟ͫ̐ͭḿ̫̝͕̄́̃̉ͯo͉͔͕̻̓̆̑̉s̜̰̤̹͉͑ͣt̯͗̌ͦ,͔͕͉̳̠̦̼͇͚̺̝̼̈̈́ͩ͆ͤͮ͐ f̙̱̹͕̼͗ͬͣͅȕ̱̳͙͇͖ͥ͊c̮̤͓̥̊̇ͬͧ͗k̻ ̭ͣͮ̔ͨ͗̀S̖̃̓̆ͯ̌͒̚h̦̠͕͎̣̻̅ͫ̐̚ǘͬ̉ͯ́̀ͅ.̟̑͊ͩͨ͒ͩ
Sima Zhao belched, and the courtiers all nodded and clapped politely.
Zhong Hui went back to his home base, where he told everyone that Wu was his target. He even went as far as starting a massive ship-building operation, and when Sima Zhao saw the financial reports, Zhong Hui got a call from the boss.
W̹̩̱̄̽ͭh̼̾̊̊̊͐̄̚a̺̤͔̤͚͒ͧ͗̏͂t̠̮̜̦̏ͤ̑ͬ̔ ͇͖͖̫͖̼ͭṱ̪͆̌̊hͨ̄̋ḙ̮͎̼͎͙̖͗̿̏́ ͙̻̺̮͇̜̰̓̔ͥͯͦĥ̭̭̥͔̮̙̐͌ͩ̍̈́e̱̣̞͆l͈̯̩̍ͧ̓͆̌̅ḻ̹̭̘̰̯ͯ ̼̰̩̙̫d͉̗͕͉̺ͯ̈o̯̩̮̱̜ͮ ̝̝̻̭̼̥͍̂̂̆̒̏ͨy͗̐o̜̠̭ͧͬ͌ͨů͇̜̥̈ ̪̭͙͔̰͍͙ͫ̒n͎͕̮̫̮̹͂̍ͬͥͬͫ̚e͎̞̯͐e͙͇̬d͍͕͔͈ ̖̮̬̪͈̰ͧ͂ͬ̿̚ͅa̜̘̮̜͉̳͈̽̏ͮ̽͌̐l̬͕̱ͨͩͥ̽ͪl̳͈ͤ͌ͤ ͉͙͖̝̲̰̔ͧ̿̇̒t̗̽̾̑͑̓h̼̭͔̜̦̉ͧ́o̻̤̥̱̲̫̹̽͆͛̿̅s͉̰̫̙̦͓̃̊̎ͩ̈̚ĕ̻͎͙̭̤̆͊̓ͪ ̎ͦ̆̔ͯͬs̝̱͋̀̍ͨͪh̠̞̻ͣ͑̑̈́̀̓i̳̱̦̗̜̓p͔̯̥̓̊s͓̳ͩ ͚͇̠͂f̭͓ͣ̄͌͒̎̇̾o̦̤̳̬r̹̣̹̲̱͕̂ͮ͂ͅ?̈́̆ͤ ͬ̒Ṱ̪̼̞̞̪̾ͬ́̾h͕̳̟̬͔ͮ̍ͭe͓ͣͣ͗ͭ͑ͧͧỹ̙̦͚͉̟̠̲̈͂ͨ’̱̰͔̰̼̥̑̉̌̇̂̅̍r̲͕͚̯͇̃͛̅̾ͅe͕̜̥̖͇͍ͦ̄͋ ̣̺̳̤̯̱͛͒ͪe̥͊͌x̥̘ͧͫp̭͕͖̰̾e̩̘̞͛̆͆ͯͧ̈͊n̾̐š͐̿ͮi̱̲̪̮̣̩̽ͩ̚̚v͕͇̫͕̯̠̟̾e̠̝̫̺̱,͈̭̣͔͉̙͐̃ͣ̈ͦ ͯ̌ͯ̑̅y̤̝̥̤̋̎̒̋o̖̖ͧu̟̹̜ͦ̍ͩ̉̐ͣ ̱̰͍͙͐ḱ̗̼̩͈̆͊n̙̼̭͂ͦ̄o̘̗̹͕̣̟̹ͦͨ͛w͇̌ͦ̉.͓̈͗ͪ͂̿͐̚
“Well, for now they’re just a distraction,” said Zhong Hui. “But when this is over, and we’ve taken Shu, they’ll come in very handy when we actually invade Wu.”
A̲̜̪̪̙̟ͨ̃̉͗h̊̀,̭̲͔̱̣̏ ̳͕̐ͮ̇͂ͪŷ̞͍͉̍̈́̓e̞̭͔͖ͤͫ̆s͉̣ͣ̏ͬͤ͌ ̥̩͔̣̣͕͍͑ͮ̌͊I̙͎ͮ̅̽͛̆̐̚ ̗ͩ̓ͣs͚̻̦͕̣͇͛̄̉ͪ̎͛e̼̭̼̼̝ͮ̾̑ͮ͒̒ẹ͌̎́͛͌͆.̦̹̰̭ ̤͈̗͓ͣͮ̌ͯ̓͂̚V̝͍̲̮̼̐͐͌ͬͤͪ̏ẹ̖̗̬̰̘̪̋ͯ̀͛r͖͖̻͑̄̂͆ý̩͚̤̓̾ͅ ͔ͦ̄s͔̖̰͛̏m̯̫͇aͦ̈r̯̟̼̞̱͖̅ͯ̈ͩ͑t̻̱̝̫̉̉ͭ̍̋ͤ͒.͍̟̻͇
Finally, it was time for the army to leave. Sima Zhao waved a handkerchief as Zhong Hui disappeared into the distance.
“Boss?” said a minister, Shao Ti. “Do you really trust Zhong Hui? He’s got his eye on your seat, make no mistake.”
Sima Zhao rolled over half of his eyes. Òͦ̇̇͒͒̓f̈͐̆ ͖̮̞ͮͨ̅͛c̩̗̰̦̦̺͍o̘̯̺̫̮̅u͉r͕̓s̲͇̔̃͂̃͑ḙ̣̗̥,͖̣̱̃̍͌ͥͮ ̭̬̇̆̿̐I̼͖̹̿́ͦ͂̎ ͙̯̼̳̬̤͑k͎͔̝̭̖̯ͨͦ̆ͫ̐n̘̯̪ͦ̔̍ͅo̻̙̻̹̟͓̜ͪͧ̆́ẅ̟̬̮̀ͣ̚ ̟̺̣̬̥͓̃̑́ͅt̠̣̝̼̞͚́̊ͩͣ́h̘̄̓̄͐͐̂aͪt̞͚͙̳ͅ.͙͕̪
“And you’re okay with it?”
W͈̠̝̹̊̈̽̐͑ͥ̽h̒ͪỷ ̞͈͚̳̗̫̺̋̍̽ŵ̞̝̣̪̻̳̞̏ͣͯ̅͒̄ȍ̜͇̬ͧͭ̊͌͒̅u̳̹̻̖̲̖̒ͬ́͑̽͋͑l̰̥͓̪̐̅d̠͇ͣn̞̱̜̳̠̱̄̾͐͋’̖̥̺̯͉͙͎̑̚t̫͉̹͓͚̜̙ͩͭ̚ ̻̘͕̟͈̻I͉̳̼ ͖̖͚͖̗̱̇͆ͯͣb̠ͦ̓ͅe͈̳?̼̹͍̰͋
“Well, there’s okay with it in the abstract sense, and then there’s sending him off with a huge army and no oversight.”
Sima Zhao laughed.
C̘̰̙̫̘o̗͓͙̝̰͈m͔̖͍̆ͮͭ̌e͔̠͚̓̃̄̍ͨ ̦ͬ̿ͮh͂ͫͥͯͮe̳̰͉ͤr͚̘͉̊ͣ̿̃̚e̝̮̺̱͇ͦͅ,͖̉ ̯̱͛́̏͂ͩͮͅl̹͊ͧ̿ͯ̄e̩͓͖̬t̠͉̪ͦ͐́ͨ͂ͣ̚ ̝̾͂̓m̔̎͗̄͌e̳̟ͫ͆͋ͨͨ ͖͂̔ͅw̩ͮ̃̆̇ͩ͛̈ͅh̠̗̯̉ͬ̽̚i̹̫̯̰ͣ̆ͅs̳̯̹̓ͤ̔p͎̠͍̼̞̙̒ͨe͓̎̇ͩͭ͋̽ȓ͍͔̥̙͔ ̑ͬ̆i͒̋ͩͫ̊n̤͇̮̫͓͇͚ ̦͍̜̮̗̐͒ͅẙ͇͍̩͇̊̓̌̄̑o̝̱̫̟̒̉ͤͣ̈́̓ͤͅû̌̒r͍̱̥̯̗̅ͅ ̻̱͉̬̞̀́̌ͨ͐e̤̗̙͛̌a̟͇̘͎͕͋͌r̿͌̚.̹ͯͩ
Saxo Dramaticus 