Sima Yi consoled Cao Zhen as best he could, then went off to Changan and got the story from Zhang He. Soon, they were on their way to the River Wei, where they ran into Guo Huai and Sun Li.
“Have you two fought them yet?” asked Sima Yi.
“Nope,” said the generals. “They haven’t budged, so we’ve just been holding the line.”
“That’s weird,” said Sima Yi. “They’re far from home, with limited supplies as usual. I’d have thought they’d want to attack quickly, because the longer this draws out, the weaker they are. Ergo, they are up to something. Say, heard anything from Xizhou lately?”
“Everybody in Xizhou is fine,” said Guo Huai. “Except for Wudu and Yinping, we haven’t heard a word from them.”
Sima Yi facepalmed. “Yeah, that would be it. Grab your armies and march there as fast as possible! Then, when you’ve rescued the cities, attack Shu from behind.”
Guo Huai and Sun Li rode off at once, but it was a long way, and when “I Spy,” got boring, they turned to gossip.
“So, Sima Yi or Zhuge Liang?” asked Guo Huai. Sun Li thought about it.
“I’ll have to go with Zhuge Liang. He’s the protagonist, after all,” he answered.
“He might be the protagonist, but Sima Yi’s much smarter,” said Guo Huai. “Look at this plan he just made – they’ll never know what hit them!” Just then, a couple of scouts rode in.
“Wei Yan’s taken Wudu and Jiang Wei’s captured Jinping!” they reported. “And the whole Shu army is right around the corner.”
“Wait, if they captured the cities, why is the army outside?” said Sun Li. “They’re up to something. I don’t like this. We should go back.”
“You’re right,” began Guo Huai, but just then a bomb went off and Zhuge Liang’s golf cart rolled out from behind a tree. Zhang Bao and Guan Xing stuck their heads out and made faces, and Zhuge Liang laughed.
“Did you think I was fooled? Come on, fight me! Or surrender, I’m okay with either one.”
Zhang Bao and Guan Xing squeezed out of the golf cart, drew their swords, and charged the Wei generals, and Jiang Wei and Wei Yan appeared behind them. Sun Li and Guo Huai looked at each other, then veered left and scrambled up the hillside.
Zhang Bao yelled and whipped his horse, galloping after them. Just when it looked like he’d catch them, though, he and his horse abruptly fell off a cliff. They rolled over and over, and the horse took advantage of the confusion to get some of his own back. When Zhuge Liang and crew managed to climb down to where he’d landed, they found him unconscious with a horseshoe-shaped bruise on his head, and he had to be airlifted back to Chengdu. The Wei generals made their escape while everyone was waiting for the EMTs.
Guo Huai and Sun Li trudged back to camp and confessed everything to Sima Yi, who brushed it off. “You only followed orders,” he said. “Zhuge Liang’s a genius, and he outwitted me this time. Now, go defend Yongcheng and Meicheng, and whatever you do, don’t charge out and fight. I don’t know why I have to tell you guys this every single time, but reckless charges are how you lose.”
They left, and Sima Yi called in Zhang He and Dai Ling. “Zhuge Liang captured Wudu and Yinping, sure. But we can even take advantage of that. What do you think he’s doing right now?”
“Partying?” suggested Zhang He.
“Nope.”
“Burning things?” guessed Dai Ling.
“Good guess, but still no,” said Sima Yi. “He’s captured the cities for Shu, sure. But what does that entail? Do you think there’s a ‘ping’ and their colour changes from yellow to red, and that’s it? He’s buried in a mountain of paperwork and administration and logistics – and that means he won’t be in their camp tonight. You two take ten thousand soldiers each and attack from behind, and I’ll take the rest and attack their front. It’ll be easy.”
That night, Dai Ling and Zhang He sneaked out, went around the Shu camp in big loops, and rendezvoused on the other side without incident. They turned and marched towards the rear of the camp, when suddenly the redshirts stopped dead.
“What’s going on up there?” called the generals. They rode to the front, where the found the road blocked by several parked cars.
“Shit! Explosives!” They turned and tried to run, but the car bombs went off, and the hills around them burst into flames. Zhuge Liang, on stilts so he could see above the inferno, called down to them.
“Ha, ha! Did Sima Yi think I was doing paperwork like a boring nerd? I’m too heroic for that! Now surrender. Don’t be scared, I wouldn’t kill losers like you.”
“Screw you!” yelled Zhang He. “I’ll teach you to be rude, hillbilly!” He raised his spear and charged at Zhuge Liang, but the archers immediately began shooting and he had to back down. He took it out on the redshirts, scattering them right and left and flinging some into the air as he fought his way clear of the ambush.
“Dai Ling, we made it! Dai Ling? Oh, fuck…” He turned, charged back into the crowd of Shu soldiers, and exited moments later dragging Dai Ling behind him.
“Damn,” said Zhuge Liang admiringly. “That Zhang He’s a great warrior, all right. I didn’t see it, but I heard that the redshirts were astounded by his epic duel against Zhang Fei in Chapter 70.”
“What, you mean the epic duel where both of them got plastered, Zhang He stabbed a scarecrow by accident, and then had to run away when Zhang Fei jumped him from behind?” asked the redshirts. “‘Astounded’ is one word for that, sure.”
“Shhh, it was a duel that will go down in legend,” said Zhuge Liang. “Anyway, he’ll be a danger to Shu as long as he’s alive. I need to get rid of him…”
Sima Yi was waiting with his division and looking at his watch when Zhang He and Dai Ling returned, tails between their legs.
“This is bullshit,” he said in disgust. “That’s it, no more fighting. We’ll hold the line and wait.”
So Zhuge Liang had captured two cities and a whole lot of equipment, but not much territory. Every day, he sent insult squads to knock on Sima Yi’s door and shout rude words, but no one bit. After a couple of weeks of this, Zhuge Liang was starting to feel depressed – when Fei Yi showed up. “Message from the Emperor!”
Zhuge Liang ritually smoked a joint, then read it.
I was perfectly happy scapegoating Ma Su for the disaster last time, but you insisted on demoting yourself. Which was fine, whatever. But I need a Prime Minister. You killed Wang Shuang on your retreat, and now you’ve captured two cities, so consider yourself re-promoted.
“Well, this came out of nowhere,” said Zhuge Liang. “I totally forgot about the demotion, to be honest. Anyway, I’m busy, no time for Prime Ministering.”
Fei Yi rolled his eyes. “It makes literally no difference. You’re doing the same job you always were. I’m not sure what you’re playing at, unless it’s a weird reverse power move. Aren’t the Emperor’s orders above questioning?”
Zhuge Liang sighed. “Okay, you got me there. Sure, I’ll be Prime Minister again. Anyway, nothing’s happening here, so I’ll have to try something new. We’ll move out, slowly, and maybe Sima Yi will get greedy.”
“Moving out?” said Sima Yi. The scouts nodded. “He’s packed up everything, and the army is marching away.”
“It’s a trick,” said Sima Yi instantly.
“Oh, come on,” said Zhang He. “They just ran out of food. We knew that would happen, it was our whole plan.”
“It was the plan,” said Sima Yi. “That’s the subtle part. He can’t bring supplies from Shu, but it’s harvest time. Plus, he looted those two cities. By my calculations, he could last another six months. We’re not going to fall for it.”
Soon, the scouts came in again. “You were right, boss. He camped again, about ten miles away.”
“See?” said Sima Yi smugly.
Ten days later, the Shu army had moved another ten miles back, and Zhang He was getting antsy. “You’re so paranoid,” he whined. “They’re running away! Can’t I fight just one teeny tiny little battle?”
“No,” Sima Yi was firm. “It’s too risky.”
“What if you can execute me if I fail?” offered Zhang He. Sima Yi’s jaw dropped. “What makes you think I want to do that?”
“Your evil mustache and the way you keep rubbing your hands together and cackling.”
“Fair enough,” said Sima Yi. “Well, if you really insist, I’ll let you fight. But you have to move slowly and cautiously. Take half the army, and I’ll be right behind you with the other half to step in if you get into trouble.”
The next morning, Zhang He left with Dai Ling, thirty thousand redshirts, and a few minor generals. Sima Yi followed with fifty thousand. They stopped for the night and camped when they were only halfway to Zhuge Liang’s camp.
Zhuge Liang called a meeting of his generals. “It worked! They’re halfway here. But there’s a lot of them, and these guys are good. It won’t be easy, and I need a wise, brave general.”
“Me!” Wang Ping raised his hand.
“Uh, okay,” said Zhuge Liang. “But what happens if you lose?”
“You can execute me!”
“Seriously?” said Zhuge Liang. “All the generals in this book seem to think their leaders are just itching to execute them!”
“Well, you do it a lot, after all,” pointed out Wang Ping.
“I guess,” said Zhuge Liang. “Wang Ping, you go ahead. But there are two divisions of the enemy, so who wants the other half?”
Zhang Yi raised his hand. “I call Zhang He!”
“You know what a badass he is, right?” said Zhuge Liang.
“Either I beat him, or my head rolls outside the door of your tent!”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake – whatever,” said Zhuge Liang. “Fine, you can do it. Take ten thousand men each, and attack them from behind. I’ll arrange backup for you.” When they left, he called in Jiang Wei and Liao Hua.
“You two, go into the mountains,” he said. “I’m giving you your orders in a sealed envelope, just to be dramatic. When you see Wang Ping and Zhang Yi getting their asses kicked, open the envelope and do whatever it says.”
He then told Wu Ban, Wu Yi, Ma Zhong, and Zhang Ni to wait on all sides and run away until Guan Xing joined them, at which point they should all suddenly turn and attack.
“And Guan Xing, you hide until I wave a red flag and shout ‘Olé!’”
Zhang He and Dai Ling smashed their way through the hills, until they ran into the four waiting generals, who ran away for seven miles, at which point Guan Xing popped out. All of them turned around instantly and attacked Zhang He and Dai Ling, who were soon struggling. It was hot, and everyone was oozing bucketfuls of sweat. Just as the Wei troops were starting to give up, there was a drumroll, and Wang Ping and Zhang Yi cut off their retreat.
“We die fighting!” roared Zhang He. His men cheered, and pushed back harder, holding out against all hope. Then at the last possible moment, Sima Yi and his army poured out of the valleys and surrounded Wang Ping and Zhang Yi. The tide of battle had reversed in an instant.
“Wow, Zhuge Liang sure is a genius!” said Zhang Yi. “He predicted that it would be tough, and lo and behold, we’re about to die! Let’s hope he planned for this.”
Luckily for them, up on the mountaintop Jiang Wei and Liao Hua were tearing open the secret envelope.
If Sima Yi’s here, his camp is empty. Attack it. He’ll have to rush back to defend the camp, and that’ll be your chance.
P.S. Don’t worry about actually capturing the camp.
They split up and went off to attack the camp, but the dozens of outposts Sima Yi had left spotted them in minutes and got word to Sima Yi at once.
“Fuck,” he said, turning pale. “I told you this was a bad idea! Quick, everyone back to camp before they capture it and leave us stranded.”
The redshirts spun round, bumping into each other and tripping in their haste. Zhang Yi reacted instantly, attacking the rearmost ranks and stealing their horses. Guan Xing got in on the fun, and Zhang He and Dai Ling lost almost all their redshirts and had to run away on foot for the second time.
Sima Yi found his camp completely intact, except for ‘Shu wuz here’ spraypainted on the door. He herded all of his generals into a boardroom and locked the door.
“Imbeciles!” he raged. “‘Oooh, I want to fight. Oooooooh, I wanna fight!” See what that attitude gets you? What? No, I’m not going to kill you, dammit! But I will next time, I swear!”
After the tonguelashing, the generals slunk into their rooms to think about what they had done, and no one said a word about fighting after that.
“This is perfect!” laughed Zhuge Liang. “Thousands of dead redshirts, hundreds of captured horses, supplies, weapons… we’re attacking tomorrow!”
Just then, a somber-looking messenger arrived from Chengdu. “I regret to inform you that Zhang Bao died in the hospital.”
“Oh no!” shrieked Zhuge Liang. He vomited blood and keeled over.
The next day he woke up, but was too sick to move. After ten days of bed rest, he called in the generals. “War’s over. I’m too sick to fight, and you guys are useless without me, the brains. We’re going back to Hanzhong as stealthily as possible. If Sima Yi figures it out, he’ll attack.”
They retreated that very night, but Sima Yi was too paranoid even to look out the window, and only realized they were gone five days later.
“This freaking guy,” he sighed. “Well, I’ll take it. The invading force is gone. Keep a sharp eye out in the future!”
So Sima Yi went home and sulked, while Zhuge Liang went home and convalesced. Meanwhile, Cao Zhen had recovered, and he sent a letter to Cao Rui.
We need to do something about Shu. They’ve invaded us, like, three times, and even though they kind of suck at it, it’s super annoying. How about we invade for once? Sima Yi and I will do it together.
“He’s right,” said Cao Rui. “Liu Ye, what do you think?”
“I think he’s spot-on,” said Liu Ye. “We need to teach Shu a lesson.” Cao Rui flexed enthusiastically.
When he came out of the meeting room, Liu Ye was mobbed by a crowd of ministers. “What did he say? What did you tell him?”
“I told him not to bother,” said Liu Ye. “We’d waste a lot of lives, money, and resources in those mountains.”
A random minister named Yang Ji heard this, but he’d also been listening at the door earlier. Shaking his head, he went to see Cao Rui. “Liu Ye told you to attack Shu, but he told us not to!” he reported. “Uh, don’t ask how I know. Liu Ye’s up to something. I think you should punish him.”
“What?” said Cao Rui. “Liu Ye, explain yourself!”
“I rechecked the math,” explained Liu Ye. “The odds aren’t in our favour.”
“You rechecked the math in the thirty seconds between talking to Cao Rui and us?” said Yang Ji. “Suuuuure. I rest my case.” He swept out, and Liu Ye laughed. “If we’re going to invade Shu, we have to keep it a secret! If everyone knows about it, they’ll be ready.”
“Cao Zhen wrote an open letter about it, and Yang Ji was clearly eavesdropping,” pointed out Cao Rui. “But I see your point. Let’s keep this on the down-low. Oh, Sima Yi’s here! Let’s ask him what he thinks.”
“I think we should,” said Sima Yi. “Wu’s been quiet lately, and Shu’s on the retreat for the millionth time. It’s the perfect opportunity.”
“Then it’s settled,” said Cao Rui. “You, Cao Zhen, and Liu Ye are my dream team. Get to it!”
The dream team marched to Changan, picking up Guo Huai and Sun Li on the way. By this time, Zhuge Liang had recovered and was drilling the army in cool new formations he was just itching to field test.
“This will be fun,” he laughed. “Zhang Ni, Wang Ping, take a thousand redshirts each and block the road.”
“Uh, the enemy has four hundred thousand redshirts,” said Zhang Ni.
“So?”
“So we’ll be annihilated?” said Wang Ping, incredulously.
“Well, it’s a long march,” said Zhuge Liang. “I don’t want to be hard on the redshirts.”
“Since when do you care about the redshirts?” asked Zhang Ni.
“I won’t execute you if you lose, don’t worry.”
“You won’t need to!” snapped Wang Ping.
“Relax, I checked the horoscopes,” said Zhuge Liang. “Stars say it’s going to rain. You hide in the mountains and let the weather do the work. I’ll come in with the main army in a month or so, when they’re tired.”
“But-”
“No buts,” said Zhuge Liang. “Take your redshirts and go.”
As they trudged off, Zhuge Liang declared a holiday for the rest of the army. Whistling, he took his time setting up food and fuel depots for the rest of the month.
Cao Zhen and Sima Yi kicked through the ashes of Chencang. “What happened?” they asked the peasants.
“Zhuge Liang happened.”
“When?”
“Last time, on his way back. Just to screw us peasants over.”
“Fuck that guy!” Cao Zhen exploded. “Let’s go kick his ass!”
“Not so fast,” said Sima Yi. “It looks like rain, and in the mountains that means flash floods. What if we drown? Or things go wrong, and we’re trapped?
“You’re right,” said Cao Zhen bitterly. “Let’s rebuild what we can here and wait it out.”
Sure enough, the rain started the next day. Within hours, the country was flooded, and soon everything was under three feet of water. In the mountains, Zhang Ni and Wang Ping huddled under trees and shivered; in Chencang, the redshirts and horses were wet, miserable, and couldn’t sleep. They sent letter after letter to the capital, and Cao Rui himself sent thoughts and prayers. It didn’t help.
Finally, Minister Wang Su stepped in. “Your Highness, what is the army accomplishing up there? The invasion clearly isn’t going to happen at this point, and you’re making the redshirts suffer for no reason.”
“What he said,” chimed in Yang Fu and Hua Xin.
“You’re making good points,” said Cao Rui. “I’ll call the whole thing off.”
Cao Zhen slumped beside Sima Yi. “The soldiers just want to go home. Desertions are going up, and to be honest, I don’t blame them.”
“That’s because they’re right,” said Sima Yi. “We’re just committing the sunk cost fallacy here, to be honest.”
Just then, an Imperial messenger rode in. “Cao Rui says to come home!” he yelled, and the redshirts all cheered.
Cao Zhen grinned, but then his face fell. “What if Zhuge Liang attacks us from behind as we leave?”
“We’ll leave an ambush.”
Zhuge Liang read Wang Ping’s message. “Ah, they’re leaving. Just as I said, see? But they’ll have left an ambush, so I need to make even cleverer plans.” He turned to the messenger. “Tell Wang Ping not to budge.”
Saxo Dramaticus 