The defeated Wei army made its way back to the capital, where Cao Xiu made his report to Cao Rui, and then fell on the floor in a heap.
“It’s the shame,” he explained helpfully. “Bad for the heart.”
“Sure, but – are you dying?” asked Cao Rui.
“Yep,” said Cao Xiu.
“Can’t think of anything better than that?”
Cao Xiu shook his head. “Not really. Alas, that I failed to glorify my Emperor!” He gave his deepest sigh, and fluttered his eyes closed.
“The acting wasn’t bad, I’ll give you that,” said a judge. “But the timing was poor.”
“That’s not even fair,” snapped Cao Xiu. “Sima Yi’s going to be hogging the spotlight from now on. When am I supposed to do it?”
“Not our problem,” shrugged Judge No. 2.
“Will it help if I give him a nice funeral?” asked Cao Rui anxiously.
“Funerals are worth up to ten points,” said the third judge. “You can bump him up three or four spots.”
So Cao Xiu got a lavish funeral, and Sima Yi arrived just in time.
“Why are you back so fast?” said the officials. “And why aren’t you ashamed like he was?”
Sima Yi ignored that last one. “It’s all strategy,” he said, twirling his mustache like his life depended on it. “If Zhuge Liang hears we’ve been beaten, he’ll probably attack again.”
The officers rolled their eyes. “You’re just a scaredy-cat!.”
Zhuge Liang looked around the table. “We should totally attack Wei again. Everything’s perfect. Wu just kicked their ass, Sun Quan wants to kiss and make up, our economy’s booming. Now is the time-”
There was an enormous crash outside. Everyone ran to the windows, only to find them blocked by the huge tree that had just fallen, barely missing the tent.
“That’s a terrible omen,” said the officers. “Forget it.”
“It’s not that kind of bad omen!” said Zhuge Liang. “We can’t miss this opportunity.”
“Omens don’t get worse than that,” said an officer. “You can’t just spin it some other way.”
“Oh, it’s terrible,” said Zhuge Liang. “But it’s not about the invasion, it just signals a major character death.”
“Isn’t that a bad omen in and of itself?” pointed out the officers, but just then Zhao Yun’s kids ran in. “Help! It’s Dad!”
Zhao Yun was dead.
Zhuge Liang threw his cup against the wall. It bounced off and hit him in the head, but he barely felt it as he broke into loud sobs. “He was the last surviving member of the original cast! What are we going to do?”
The entire room started to cry, and Zhuge Liang turned to the boys, who were called Tong and Guang. “Go let the Emperor know.”
Liu Shan was equally devastated. “Zhao Yun saved my life as a baby!” he wept. “Give him the funeral to end all funerals.”
“Still capped at ten points,” sniffed the judges.
“Have some titles, kids,” said Zhuge Liang. “Now shoo, your screentime’s over.” The Zhao boys reluctantly shuffled out, and Zhuge Liang sent his war proposal to Liu Shan.
“Now? After all that foreshadowing?” said the ministers. “And without Zhao Yun? How about no.”
“Yeah,” said Liu Shan, who was still in shock. “Let’s wait.”
Zhuge Liang twiddled his thumbs for a while, then sent a follow-up letter. It read:
Your dad told me to defeat Wei. Do you want to disappoint him? I took care of the Mang, so if you’re worried about them, don’t be. We can’t just sit around and wait while the Caos run China like they rule the place!
Okay, sure I messed up last time. But Cao Cao messed up dozens of times, and he still ended up on top. Definitely not on top of us, but you know what I mean. I haven’t had even one Yakety Sax scene.
I understand that you’re upset about Zhao Yun, but waiting longer will just mean that even more major characters will die. Attached you will find a list of minor characters who have died just while you’re reading this letter!
We’re in as good a position as we’ll ever be, and they’re just sitting there calling themselves Emperor when you’re the real Emperor. Are you going to stand for that?
Liu Shan thought about it. “Well, I’ve been standing for it for a while, but okay,” he said. “Go ahead.”
So Zhuge Liang marched out with Wei Yan and three hundred thousand redshirts, intent on destroying Wei.
“See?” said Sima Yi. “Good thing I brought the army back.”
“Yeah,” said Cao Rui. “Who wants to fight Shu?”
“I know I just fucked up catastrophically, but let me try again,” said Cao Zhen.
“I don’t see why not,” agreed Cao Rui.
“Plus, I’ve found this new guy,” gushed Cao Zhen. “Tall, dark, and handsome. Ass like a bear. Carries a 90-pound sword.”
“Is that a thing?”
“You bet it is,” said Cao Zhen. “And he has a three hundred pound bow, and can hide three massive hammers on his person!”
“Is he compensating for anything?”
“Nope,” smirked Cao Zhen. “Oh, his name’s Wang Shuang.” He whistled, and the man himself entered the hall. Cao Rui looked him up and down. “You weren’t kidding. Almost a waste of that porn name. Put him in charge! And dress him in something nice, too. I’m thinking gold and silk.”
When Wang Shuang was all gussied up, Cao Zhen grabbed Guo Huai and Zhang He as well and went off to prepare the defenses.
Several Shu scouts reported in to Zhuge Liang. “There’s this Hao Zhao guy defending Chencang,” they said. “He’s built a massive wall and planted thornbushes. Frankly, it’s hopeless. We should go through the Taibo Mountains and take Qishan instead.”
“Yeah, but Jieting’s here,” said Zhuge Liang. “I want to make up for last time! Wei Yan, you go take Chencang.”
“Sure thing,” said Wei Yan, and a few days later he came back shaking his head. “The scouts were right. Those defenses are completely solid.”
“What do you mean, solid?” said Zhuge Liang. “I should just execute you, right now. Guards!”
“Wait, wait!” said an alarmed official. “Let’s not kill off any more major characters. How about I try? Hao Zhao is my childhood friend, and he’ll listen to me.”
“Great,” said Zhuge Liang. “You’re Jin Xiang, are you? Is that all your backstory?”
“Literally all,” said Jin Xiang.
“Cool, give it a try.”
Jin Xiang knocked on Hao Zhao’s door. “Hey, buddy! It’s me!”
Hao Zhao stuck his head out and waved. “What’s up?”
“Oh, the usual,” said Jin Xiang. “I work for Zhuge Liang, and I’m here to tell you to surrender.”
Hao Zhao’s jaw dropped, and he threw his old friendship bracelet in Jin Xiang’s face. “Well, then I don’t like you any more! I’m never speaking to you again.” He turned to the guards. “Show him out!”
“But-” said Jin Xiang, but it was useless. Hao Zhao turned his back and stormed upstairs, and the guards led Jin Xiang to the door. However, on his way out, he saw Hao Zhao leaning theatrically against the balcony and gave it another shot.
“You’re being a meanie!” he yelled, waving his whip.
“And you’re a poopy head!” Hao Zhao called down. “Go tell Zhuge Liang to come kill me already!”
Jin Xiang stormed back into camp. “He hasn’t changed a bit. It’s a no-go.”
“Unacceptable,” said Zhuge Liang. “Go back and play bad cop.”
So Jin Xiang rode back. No one answered the door this time, so he shouted as loudly as he could. “Hey, Hao Zhao! I’m here with a massive army. Plus, we’re the Good Guys, did you forget that? Come down and say you’re sorry!”
Hao Zhao pointed his cap gun at Jin Xiang. “Bang! Bang! You’re dead.”
Jin Xiang stomped back and told Zhuge Liang everything, and the Prime Minister scowled. “Super rude. Does he think I’ll spare the civilians or something? How many soldiers does he have, three thousand? Easy-peasy. We’re building ladders!”
The next day, his soldiers started building scaffolding all around the walls, but Zhuge Liang had forgotten that other people besides himself could set things on fire. Soon the ladders were burning and Zhuge Liang was hopping up and down in rage. “Burn my ladders, will you?” he screamed. “We’ll use battering rams!”
Hao Zhao was equal to that trick, through. As a dozen redshirts hefted a log and ran towards the gate, they were suddenly taken out by a giant yo-yo swinging from the walls. The redshirts scattered like bowling pins, and the log went rolling down after them.
“All right, regroup,” said Zhuge Liang. “Redshirts, start filling up the moat. Liao Hua, take a bunch of sappers and dig a tunnel under the walls.”
“Under the moat?” asked Liao Hua.
“What, did you think a tunnel goes over the moat?”
“Yeah, but are you asking me to dig under a body of water as everybody else fills said body of water with stones?”
“You heard me,” said Zhuge Liang.
Shockingly, the tunnel plan didn’t end well either, as Hao Zhao dug another trench on the other side of the wall to intercept them and everything turned into a mudbath.
A month later, Chencang still hadn’t fallen. Zhuge Liang was sitting dejectedly in the middle of a wooden horse, several diseased cows, a rubber butt, and a stack of encyclopedias when the bad news came.
“Wang Shuang’s bringing a relief force, and he’s almost here!”
“I’m on it,” said Wei Yan, but Zhuge Liang shook his head. “You’re in charge of the van,” he said. “Send someone else. Xie Xiong, you give it a try. Gong Qi, back him up. Everyone else, move away from the walls in case they try ”
The two generals marched off only to get killed in seconds, and Zhuge Liang got seriously worried. “Forget the city for the moment,” he said. “Liao Hua, Zhang Ni, Wang Ping, go get Wang Shuang. Remember, teamwork!”
“I’ll go first,” said Zhang Ni, and rode out to duel Wang Shuang. After a few rounds, the enemy general turned and ran.”
“Don’t follow him!” called Wang Ping. “It’s a trick! It’s always a trick!”
“Oh, right,” said Zhang Ni, and turned to ride in the opposite direction.
“No, don’t turn your back either- dammit.” Wang Shuang pulled a hammer out of his pants and flung it at Zhang Ni. It hit his back with a sickening crack, and he pitched forward in the saddle. Wang Shuang raised his sword to finish him off, but Liao Hua and Wang Ping dashed up and managed to hold him off and cover their retreat. It wasn’t really a silver lining, though. Zhang Ni was vomiting blood, but he was able to choke out that somehow, since he’d arrived, Wang Shuang had managed to build two more walls and dig another moat.
“This is bullshit,” said Zhuge Liang. “Jiang Wei, any ideas?”
“Yeah,” said Jiang Wei. “We back off, hold the road, and attack Qishan instead.”
“Isn’t that the plan I nixed at the beginning of the chapter?”
“It is, but this time it’s me suggesting it,” said Jiang Wei.
“Fair enough,” said Zhuge Liang.
“Besides, I have a secret plan for capturing Cao Zhen.”
“Sold,” said Zhuge Liang. “Wang Ping, Li Hui, hold the Jieting road. Wei Yan, you hold our position here. The rest of us are going to Qishan.”
Cao Zhen was feeling rather pleased with himself. Last time, Sima Yi had stolen all the credit – but now he was back in command. Guo Huai and Sun Li were holding the east and west, and he’d heard that Wang Shuang was doing great things at Chencang. Plus, they’d just captured the enemy spy who’d been sneaking around their camp for weeks.
“And what do you have to say for yourself?” he hissed to the bound man, in the most menacing voice he could muster.
“I’m not a spy!” said the man. “I have a secret message for you, from Jiang Wei.”
“Where is it?”
“In my underwear,” said the man. “It’s for your eyes only.”
Cao Zhen sent out the guards and removed the letter very carefully.
Hey Cao Zhen. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to betray you, but Zhuge Liang basically kidnapped me. Now he trusts me, though, and I have a plan.
Come here and attack with an army. It’s okay if you pretend to run away, because I’ll take advantage of the distraction to set their food supplies on fire. Attack again while they’re putting it out. You should be able to capture Zhuge Liang. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me after that.
“This is perfect,” said Cao Zhen. “Go tell him it’s a yes.” When the spy was gone, he called in his second, Fei Yao, and told him the plan.
“It could all be one of Zhuge Liang’s plots,” said Fei Yao, squinting suspiciously at the letter.
“But he really was kidnapped, pretty much,” pointed out Cao Zhen.
“Still, better to be careful,” said Fei Yao. “How’s this: I do it instead. That way you don’t risk getting captured.”
“Sure,” shrugged Cao Zhen, and Fei Yao took fifty thousand redshirts and marched into Xie Valley. He spent a whole day and a night chasing vague sightings of Shu troops, and soon the redshirts were exhausted.
“All right, stop!” called Fei Yao. “We can have something to eat-”
Suddenly drums and trumpets sounded all around them, and there were Shu soldiers on every side. The front ranks parted, and out rode a tiny golf cart.
“There he is,” chuckled Fei Yao. Turning to the redshirts, he said “Don’t panic! I’ll buy time. When you see flames, Jiang Wei will come and help us out.” He got out a megaphone.
“Zhuge Liang, you’re a rebel and a loser! We kicked your ass last time, and we’ll do it again!”
“I want to talk to Cao Zhen,” said Zhuge Liang.
Fei Yao snorted. “He’s a Cao. You think he’d talk to someone like you?”
“Screw you,” said Zhuge Liang, and waved his fan. Out charged Ma Dai and Zhang Ni, and the Wei troops hastily retreated.
Soon, however, they saw a huge fire behind the Shu army, and heard shouting. “That’s the signal!” said Fei Yao. He turned around, and so did the Shu army. The Wei men chased after them, Fei Yao leading them all. But, as they reached the fire, there was another drum roll, and Guan Xing and Zhang Bao closed in from both sides. Arrows and stones flew down from the hillsides.
Fei Yao stopped dead. “It was a trick. It was a trick all along.” He tried to lead his men out, but it was a disaster. They scattered in the hills, many falling into rivers and drowning in the dark. Gathering as many men as he could, Fei Yao made for a ravine, only to come face to face with Jiang Wei.
“How could you?” he spat.
“It was supposed to be Cao Zhen!” said Jiang Wei. “Just surrender now.”
“Fuck you,” said Fei Yao, and galloped into the ravine. The woods were all on fire, now, and soon he was completely cut off.
“Surrender!” called Jiang Wei, seconds behind him.
Fei Yao turned around. “No,” he said, and drove his sword into his own heart.
“How!” sputtered Jiang Wei. “This is ridiculous! You’re a random Wei officer who only showed up half a page ago. How do you get a better death scene than Zhao fucking Yun?”
“We can give you the breakdown,” said a judge. “Full marks for drama, five points for circumstances. He didn’t really get a one-liner, but suicide in front of someone partially makes up for it-”
“Go to hell,” said Jiang Wei, and stomped back to the golf cart. “Didn’t capture him. Cao Zhen’s not even here. This was stupid.”
“It kind of was,” agreed Zhuge Liang. “Such a good plan on paper, too. Oh well, at least we won.”
Cao Zhen was heartbroken when he heard what had happened, and he shut himself in a meeting room with Guo Huai, making plan after plan. Meanwhile, messengers were flying back to the capital, and Cao Rui soon called Sima Yi into the throne room once more.
“Ready for round two against Zhuge Liang?”
“Boy, am I ever,” said Sima Yi, his eyes gleaming.
Saxo Dramaticus 