Chapter 85. In which Shu meets the new boss, same as the old boss (literally).

A few days later, Ma Liang trudged into Baidicheng and pulled a chair up to the governor’s couch, where Liu Bei was taking a nap. “I’m too late,” he wailed.

“I made a huge mistake,” said Liu Bei faintly.

“I know,” said Ma Liang. “Zhuge Liang took one look at your plans and said that whoever came up with them should be executed.”

“He did, did he?” said Liu Bei.

“Yup.”

Liu Bei considered that for a while. He couldn’t see any flaw in the statement. “I can’t go home,” he decided. “Much too embarrassing.” He declared the governor’s living room to be his new palace, and brooded for a while. Every so often, Zhao Yun popped in to give him casualty reports, which didn’t particularly boost his spirits.

Eventually, someone came in with a different report. “Huang Quan isn’t dead! He surrendered to Wei! You should have his whole family executed.”

Liu Bei shook his head. “I can’t blame him when I completely set him up to fail. And I’m not racking up any more bad karma on my deathbed.”

“Your what?”

---

At that moment, Huang Quan was being led before Cao Pi, who was in a good mood. “I see you’ve decided to come over to the winning side. Very sensible.”

“Not really,” said Huang Quan. “I didn’t have much of a choice.”

Cao Pi shrugged. “You’re here, anyway. Want a job?”

“Nah.”

One of the courtiers pulled out a sheaf of paper, with many black markings on it. “Spy report here says Liu Bei had your whole family executed.”

Huang Quan grabbed the papers and examined them. “What’s this word that’s blacked out? It looks suspiciously like ‘didn’t’.”

The courtier pursed his lips. “Could be?”

“I think so,” said Huang Quan, holding it up to the light. “And Liu Bei’s the hero, he wouldn’t do something that evil.”

“K,” said Cao Pi. “Jia Xu, tell me: which should I attack next, Wei or Wu?”

“Neither,” said Jia Xu. “They’re both too strong right now. Just let them fight it out.”

“Aren’t they pretty much at a stalemate?” said Cao Pi. “And I’ve already sent out those three armies. You could have mentioned that before they left.”

“I agree with Jia Xu,” said Liu Ye. “Wu just won a great victory, so their morale is really high. Plus, they’ll be defending their homeland.”

“Aren’t you the guy who told me to attack Wu last time you appeared onscreen?” said Cao Pi. “What changed?”

“You’re kidding, right?” said Liu Ye. “Back then, Wu was on a losing streak. Now they’ve turned that around.”

“But I wanna fight!” said Cao Pi, pouting. He grabbed his Imperial Guards and headed out the door, where he saw three messengers blocking his way.

“Not you too?” he huffed.

“Us too,” said the messengers, each of whom came from a different commander. “Our bosses sent us to tell you that Wu has sent a whole army against each of them. They’re ready for us.”

“See?” said Liu Ye, crossing his arms.

“You guys are such buzzkills,” said Cao Pi.

“What happened to Chapter 82 Cao Pi? The guy who came up with the ‘Let-Wei-and-Wu-duke-it-out’ plan?”

“Did you expect consistent characterization or something?” said Cao Pi. “Today I wanna fight!” He shoved the messengers aside and marched forward.

The general up against Cao Ren was a young man named Zhu Huan. He had left a skeleton crew at Ruxu, taking the bulk of his army to Xianxi, where he thought Cao Ren was attacking. As soon as he left, Cao Ren’s general Chang Diao appeared at the gates. “Psych!”

“Shit,” said Zhu Huan, and raced back without his army. Getting up onstage before the terrified garrison, he pulled out his sword and brandished it. “Men! You have no need to fear! We may be outnumbered, but numbers don’t matter in this book! Success depends on the quality of the leader alone.”

The redshirts exchanged glances. “Is that supposed to be reassuring? Because it’s literally the exact opposite.”

“Fair point,” said Zhu Huan. “How about this: Men! You have no need to fear, because you are fighting for your homeland! We have our mountains and rivers defending us, and the enemy is weary after a long march. Even if Cao Ren himself shows up, we’ll eat him for breakfast! How was that?”

“Better,” said the redshirts. 

“I’ll work on it,” said Zhu Huan. “Now, take all the flags down. Everyone hide, and be super quiet.”

Soon Chang Diao arrived, and when he saw that the city looked completely unattended, he fist pumped. “Yes! This’ll be easy-”

A bomb suddenly went off, and all the Wu troops jumped out of hiding.

“Or not,” said Chang Diao, and then Zhu Huan chopped his head off. His redshirts scattered, and Zhu Huan’s men captured all of their flags and horses.

Meanwhile, Cao Ren actually did run into the bulk of the army at Xianxi, and even without Zhu Huan, they managed to drive him off. It went down similarly with Cao Xiu and Cao Zhen, and soon Jia Xu and Liu Ye were making coughs that sounded suspiciously like “I told you so.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get the point,” said Cao Pi. 

That summer, a plague swept the land, killing redshirts on both sides. Both armies withdrew, glowering at each other.

---

This whole time, Liu Bei had been twiddling his thumbs in Baidicheng, spending his days crying, yelling at his servants, and sleeping. One night, a gust of wind almost blew his candle out, and when it flared up again, he saw two men standing over him creepily.

“I told you people to leave me alone!” he snapped, before recognizing his brothers. “Wait, are you two alive?” 

The ghost of Guan Yu rolled his eyes. “No, you idiot, we’re ghosts.”

“Is this one of those things where you tell me not to make the mistakes that killed you?”

“Bit late for that,” snorted the ghost of Zhang Fei.

“Yeah,” said the ghost of Guan Yu. “We’re basically here to tell you that you’ll join us soon.”

“No!” sobbed Liu Bei. He threw himself at the ghosts, trying to hug them, but they vanished and he landed heavily on the floor. Then he woke up. 

“What time is it!” he yelled.

“Three in the morning,” mumbled his servants, from outside.

“Fuck, an ominous time,” he said. “I’m definitely dying! Summon Zhuge Liang!”

A few days later, Zhuge Liang arrived, with the highest-ranked ministers and Liu Bei’s two younger sons in tow. When he saw how pale and lethargic Liu Bei looked, he knew at once what was happening, and bowed very low before the Imperial Couch.

“Sit down,” said Liu Bei. “I’m dying.” Zhuge Liang sat.

“I would never have become Emperor without you,” he continued. “You deserve a pat on the back for that.” He patted, and went on, “But I was an idiot and didn’t listen to you. This whole disaster was my fault, and I’m paying for it with my life.”

“You didn’t actually get injured,” pointed out Zhuge Liang. “Maybe with some treatment-”

“Shut up for once,” said Liu Bei. “The least I can do is die of shame.”

“Fair enough.”

“At any rate,” said Liu Bei. “Liu Shan is even more useless than I am.”

“That’s mean, even by my standards!” protested Zhuge Liang.

Liu Bei burst into tears.

“Can you not?” said Zhuge Liang. “Just try to get better, okay?”

“I can’t -” said Liu Bei, and then he noticed that someone in the crowded living room. “What the heck? Who invited Ma Su to my death scene?”

He works for us?” said Zhuge Liang, confused.

“Ma Su, get the fuck out of here,” said Liu Bei. Confused, Ma Su scuttled out, and Liu Bei turned to Zhuge Liang. “This is my death scene. I’m entitled to at least one prophecy, right?”

“I guess?”

“Don’t trust Ma Su.”

“But he’s brilliant, and our friend!” said Zhuge Liang.

“Fine, ignore my dying words. It’s not like that’ll bite you in the ass,” said Liu Bei. “Anyway, take care of Shan when I’m gone.”

“Will do,” sobbed Zhuge Liang and the others.

“Oh, hang on,” said Liu Bei. “One more thing, for your ears alone.” He whispered in Zhuge Liang’s ear.

“If Liu Shan can’t even be a decent figurehead, feel free to lead a coup against him.”

Zhuge Liang facepalmed so hard that he literally bled. “So what happened to the whole the-Lius-are-the-true-royal-family thing? That’s where all your extremely dubious legitimacy came from!”

“Not my problem anymore,” said Liu Bei. “Kids? Listen to Uncle Zhuge, okay? Zhao Yun, keep an eye on them.”

“You bet I will,” said Zhao Yun. “I am your loyal horse, or dog, or whatever the most loyal animal is!”

“Great,” said Liu Bei. “Everyone else… how many are there of you? Dammit, no time for individualized last words. Okay, how’s this: All of you, maintain your self-respect.” He keeled over.

“That was surprisingly good,” sniffled everyone. They brought his body home in state, and Liu Shan came out to meet the funeral procession.

“He left you a letter,” they said, and Liu Shan ripped it open.

Hi Shan. Sorry I died of something so dumb. Here is my life advice: Keep going, and never give up. Don’t be evil, even a little bit, and do small acts of kindness. You know what, just don’t be like me. 

Listen to Zhuge Liang. Do whatever he says, and don’t fuck up. I repeat, do NOT fuck up.

“Hmmm,” said Liu Shan. “That last bit sounded uncomfortably like foreshadowing.”

“Then follow the first part, and listen to me,” said Zhuge Liang. “Come on, let’s get you crowned already.”

Liu Bei was buried with all the ceremony of the Emperor, and Liu Shan was crowned in his place, with the reign style ‘A Good Start.’. There was the usual round of promotions, and even Lady Gan and Lady Mi were posthumously declared to be Empresses.

---

Of course, Cao Pi heard about Liu Bei’s death at once, and was relieved. “Well, there’s one thing I don’t need to worry about anymore! Shu is vulnerable right now, and one attack should finish them off.”

“That’s just wishful thinking,” said Jia Xu. “Did you actually think the person responsible for keeping us back was Liu Bei? In the big picture, he was almost as much of a nonentity as this Shan guy. Zhuge Liang is still around, and he won’t make things easy.”

“It’s still the best opportunity we’ll ever get!” yelled someone.

“Who said that?”

“Me,” said Sima Yi, twirling his mustache.

“I like the way you think,” said Cao Pi. “Go on.”

“If we attack by ourselves, they can probably fight us off,” said Sima Yi. “But if five armies attack at once, they’ll fall for sure.”

“Five armies?” said Cao Pi. “But there are only three kingdoms!”

“That’s very ethnocentric of you,” said Sima Yi. “What about the Xianbei up north? And the Nanman tribes down south?”

“Oh, yeah. Them,” said Cao Pi.

“Right,” said Sima Yi. “If you pay them, they’ll join us. Third, Meng Da’s still around, and he’s basically our bitch. Fourth, there’s Wu. I know we just attacked them, but they still hate Shu more than we do. They’ll join if we make some concessions. Lastly, of course, there’s us. We’ll attack from five different directions, and Zhuge Liang won’t stand a chance.”

“I love it,” said Cao Pi. He sent off messengers with appropriate instructions and gifts, and sent his own army out under Cao Zhen. But he left Zhang Liao and the other generals holding the southern border at their posts.

---

The months after Liu Shan’s accession were spotted with more tragedies, as many high officials died of grief for Liu Bei, or sometimes of completely unsuspicious natural causes or tragic accidents. “Never fear,” said Zhuge Liang, each time. “I made a promise to your dad, and I’ll take over their job personally.” Soon, Zhuge Liang was running the courts, the tax department, and the legislature, and was responsible for all appointments. Pretty much every administrative decision went through his office.

“So, Your Highness, it’s time you got married,” said Zhuge Liang one day. “How about Zhang Fei’s daughter?”

“Isn’t she kind of my cousin?” said Liu Shan. “It’s weird. Zhao Yun, you agree with me, right?”

“Your dad said to listen to me,” said Zhuge Liang, before Zhao Yun could say anything. “So start measuring yourself for a tuxedo. She’s seventeen, practically an adult, if that makes you feel better. Zhang Fei kidnapped her mom when she was just twelve.”

“What the fuck?” said Liu Shan. “Why was that just glossed over?”

“As I was saying,” said Zhuge Liang, “She’d make a great Empress.”

“You’re the boss,” shrugged Emperor Liu Shan. So there was a wedding that summer. That autumn, though, his honeymoon was interrupted by the news of the five approaching armies.

“We went to Zhuge Liang first, of course,” said the messengers. “But he wouldn’t even let us into the house.”

“Weird,” said Liu Shan. “Is he okay?” He sent a messenger to Zhuge Liang’s house, who soon came back with the report that the Prime Minister was ill and wouldn’t see anyone.

“That’s bad,” said Liu Shan. “But this is an emergency. Dong Yun, Du Qiong, can you go talk to him? Tell him about the invasion.”

They approached Zhuge Liang’s door, noted that the welcome mat had been replaced by one that said ‘Go Away,’ and knocked anyway. A scowling butler opened the door. “Fuck off!”

“This is important,” they said. “Can you go tell the Prime Minister that we’re getting invaded?”

The butler shuffled off, then came back with a message. “He says he’ll be at court tomorrow.”

The next day, most of the court camped out on Zhuge Liang’s front lawn, but he didn’t come out. Everyone got very tired of waiting, and Du Qiong went to find Liu Shan. “He’s being stubborn. You should go in person.”

“Maybe I should,” said Liu Shan. He went to talk to his stepmother about it.

“You, go in person?” said the Dowager Empress. “This is bullshit. Your dad told him to take care of you, and here he is pretending to be sick. I’ll go give him a piece of my mind!”

“No, Your Highness, don’t do that,” said Dong Yun hastily. “This is probably some kind of parallel to his dad’s three visits, or something. Zhuge Liang’s dramatic like that.”

“Oh, right,” said Liu Shan. “I’ll go see him myself, first thing tomorrow.” And so, bright and early the next morning, the Imperial limousine drove through the crowd of kneeling officials to Zhuge Liang’s front door.

“May Your Majesty live forever -” began the butler, prostrating himself.

“Are you going to stop me?” said Liu Shan.

“I can’t stop you,” said the butler. “But those other guys can’t come in.”

Liu Shan elbowed his way past the butler and went inside, where he found Zhuge Liang staring intently at a fish tank.

“Those fish must be really interesting,” said Liu Shan.

Zhuge Liang jumped three feet into the air, then fell to the ground. “You should have me executed.”

“I don’t have time for this,” said Liu Shan, offering a hand. “Get up. Cao Pi’s invading from five sides.”

“I know,” said Zhuge Liang. “Come into my soundproof plotting room.” When they were inside, he continued, “I knew about the armies the whole time. I’m not into marine biology, I was just thinking.”

“I figured,” said Liu Shan. “So what should we do?”

“I’ve already dealt with the Qiangs, the Nanman, Meng Da, and Wei,” said Zhuge Liang. “There’s just Wu left, and I know what to do, but the situation is beyond awkward. So I need a really tactful person to go talk to them, and I was just trying to figure out who to send. But I’ll figure it out, you don’t need to worry about it.”

“That’s reassuring,” said Liu Shan, “But also scary at the same time. Are you psychic? And what did you do to turn the armies around? And why didn’t you tell me?”

“Your dad told me to take care of you, didn’t he?”

“That’s heartwarming when you say it once, but it’s getting ominous at this point,” said Liu Shan.

“Okay, okay,” said Zhuge Liang. “Anyway, the court is full of spies and blabbermouths, and the plans had to be kept secret, or they wouldn’t work. So I took the liberty of sending out a few secret orders.”

“You’re the Prime Minister and you’re issuing orders in my name without consulting me?” said Liu Shan. “Isn’t that what Cao Cao did?”

“It’s okay when the Good Guys ™ do it,” explained Zhuge Liang. “Anyway, I sent Ma Chao to go deal with the Qiangs. He’s part Qiang, and his dad ruled them for a while, so he should be able to talk them down.”

“Good thinking,” agreed Liu Shan. “What about the Nanman?”

“I told Wei Yan to go south, march around in circles, and make weird noises. That’ll confuse the Nanman, and they never attack unless they know exactly what they’re up against. So they’ll just sit tight and argue with each other for a while, then go home. Plus, it has the added bonus of making Wei Yan look silly.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Liu Shan.

“It is, but I’m Zhuge Fucking Liang, so it’ll somehow work out. Then I got Li Yan to write to Meng Da and appeal to his good side. They’re best buds, so I’m sure Meng Da will pretend to be sick or something.”

“Wasn’t he Dad’s friend too? And Uncle Guan’s?”

“Yeah, but their friendship was nothing compared to his friendship with Li Yan.”

“Did they ever even appear onscreen together?” pointed out Liu Shan.

“No, so you don’t have any grounds to contradict me!” said Zhuge Liang triumphantly.

“Okaaaaaaaay…”

“And then I sent Zhao Yun against Wei, with orders to stay on the defensive,” finished Zhuge Liang. “Plus, I sent Zhang Bao and Guan Xing to back him up.”

“At least that one makes sense,” said Liu Shan with a sigh of relief. “So what are you planning to do about Sun Quan?”

“In principle, it’s easy,” said Zhuge Liang. “Wei just invaded Wu. It’s not like they actually want to do Wei’s dirty work for them. Sure, if everyone else was attacking us, they’d join in, but since none of the other armies are going anywhere, they’ll wait. I only need someone to go talk to them and see reason; I’m just not sure who I’ll send yet. See? Zhuge Liang knows best. You didn’t need to worry about anything.”

“Awesome,” said Liu Shan. “This is a weight off my mind. I’m glad my stepmom didn’t come yell at you.” They had a few drinks together, and then Liu Shan left beaming. He skipped merrily through the confused courtiers, back to his limousine, and drove off to the palace. All the ministers stared at each other, but one, Deng Zhi, broke out into a grin. Zhuge Liang spotted him through the window and tapped his butler’s shoulder. “Invite him in.”

Soon, he was sitting Deng Zhi down in his secret plotting room. “So, you know how there are three kingdoms?”

“Of course I do,” said Deng Zhi. “It’s in the title.”

“Right,” said Zhuge Liang. “So, if we were to take over the other two and unite the realm, which one should we attack first?”

“Technically Wei is the bad guys,” said Deng Zhi. “But they’re too strong for us. We should make a mutual defense treaty with Wu, now that Liu Bei and his personal vendetta are gone. That’s just my opinion, though.”

“I totally agree with you,” said Zhuge Liang. “I’ve been looking for the right person to talk to Sun Quan, and I think I’ve found him.”

 

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