Mi Fang was hitting his head against his desk and wondering what to do when Fu Shiren walked in.
“I’m here to talk you into defecting,” said Fu Shiren bluntly.
“Liu Bei’s been a good boss…” mumbled Mi Fang.
“Guan Yu hasn’t. And when he left, he was so angry at us that he literally wants to kill us whenever it stops being bad luck.”
“It would be really rough on Liu Bei, though…”
“How many times did he leave your sister to die again? And the last time, she actually did die.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t happy about that,” said Mi Fang. “But she was a woman, and this is the third century. Still, you’re right, she was my sister after all…”
As Mi Fang teetered on the fence, a messenger burst in. “Guan Yu needs more food for his soldiers, stat! Send ten thousand carts of rice right now, or you’ll regret it.”
Mi Fang turned pale. “Lu Meng’s captured all the farmland! Where can I possibly get rice?”
The messenger shrugged. “Your problem.”
Fu Shiren rolled his eyes. “There’s an easy solution.”
“What do you mean -” began Mi Fang, but before he could finish, Fu Shiren had pulled out his sword and chopped the messenger’s head off.
“Whoa there,” said Mi Fang, backing away. “Why did you do that?”
“Why do you think?” said Fu Shiren. “Now you have to defect. Oh, don’t look so sick. There’s a solid sixty percent chance it was just an excuse to kill us, anyway.”
As he spoke, they heard Lu Meng’s army whooping as they approached the walls.
“You’re right,” decided Mi Fang. “I don’t have any choice. Let’s make this quick.”
It was a little awkward, but Sun Quan gave him gifts and smoothed things over. Before long, a messenger was galloping off to Cao Cao.
K, we did it. Now attack Guan Yu in the rear, before he figures it out.
Cao Cao turned to his staff. “Great! Now, what’s our next move?”
“We inform Fankou, natch,” said Dong Zhao. “So they don’t surrender in despair. Then we leak the story to Guan Yu, so he turns around to take Jingzhou back. That’ll give Xu Huang an opening.”
“Smart,” said Cao Cao. “Organize that. Meanwhile, I’m personally leading another army to go save Cao Ren.”
Xu Huang read his orders and jumped up at once. “Lu Qian, Xu Shang, go outside and parade up and down with a cardboard cut-out of me. I’m taking five hundred commandos and attacking Guan Yu from behind!”
As he slipped off, Guan Ping rode up to the camp. “Fight me, Xu Huang!” he cried.
Lu Qian and Xu Shang looked at each other for a moment, then Xu Shang stepped up. Leaving Lu Qian to wrangle the cardboard cutout, he rode out, brandishing his sword. Three short rounds later, he came back panting and grabbed the cutout. “You try!”
Lu Qian didn’t last much longer, so he ran in the opposite direction, and kept running. Seven miles later, Guan Ping’s rearmost redshirts piped up. “Boss? Boss, there’s a fire back at Yencheng…”
Guan Ping skidded to a halt. “Oh, fuck. Fuck.”
He was back in Yencheng mere minutes later, but it was far too late. The Wei flag was flying overhead, and out from a throng of redshirts stepped the real Xu Huang.
“Don’t you know when to give up, sonny? Wu already has Jingzhou!” called Xu Huang. Gritting his teeth, Guan Ping charged forward, but they’d barely crossed swords when there was an explosion from the city. The fire was getting out of control.
“Screw this,” said Guan Ping, and made for Sizhong, where an anxious Liao Hua came out to meet him. “Word on the street is that Lu Meng’s captured Jingzhou. Is it true?”
“Can’t be,” insisted Guan Ping. “We can’t acknowledge it. If any redshirt breathes a word about it, kill him!”
“I don’t know if that’s the best way to handle it,” began Liao Hua, when a redshirt burst in. “Xu Huang’s attacking!”
“We’re screwed,” said Guan Ping, his denial starting to slip a little.
“No we’re not,” said Liao Hua. “We’re in a fortified camp. We’re equipped for a siege. This is literally what we’re trained for.”
That night, Guan Ping looked out at the Wei army. “You know, their camp isn’t that great. What if we attack now? We might be able to scare them off.”
Liao Hua looked out uneasily. “You can if you want. I’m staying here, and I’m keeping at least half the redshirts.”
Guan Ping and his men charged into the camp, hollering and ripping up tents. “Die! Die! …Where is everyone? Shit….”
Lu Qian and Xu Shang closed in from either side. Guan Ping tried to make a break for it, but the camp was surrounded too, and soon it fell to Wei. Guan Ping and his redshirts barely got clear, and they made straight for the main camp.
“Dad! Dad!” screamed Ping. “Xu Huang took Yencheng, Cao Cao’s coming, and all the redshirts are saying that Lu Meng took Fankou!”
“Shut up,” said Guan Yu. “That’s all fake news. Don’t let it go viral. Everybody knows that Lu Meng is on sick leave, and that idiot Lu Xun is filling in for him.”
Ping didn’t dare contradict his father, and shortly afterwards, Xu Huang himself showed up at the gate.
“Saddle my warhorse!” called Guan Yu.
“But Dad, you’re still recovering from surgery!” protested Ping.
“Xu Huang and I used to be buddies,” explained Guan Yu. “So I know all his weaknesses. I’ll give him a chance to lay off, but if he doesn’t take it, I’ll kill him in front of everyone!”
Before Ping could say another word, he leapt onto his horse and rode out. Every Wei redshirt craned his neck to get a look at the famous warrior.
“Xu Huang, old friend!” shouted Guan Yu, skidding to a halt. “How’s it going!”
“Going great,” said Xu Huang, sauntering out of his army. “Long time no see, huh? But look at you, you’re a legend now!”
“I try,” said Guan Yu. “Anyway, why did you beat up my son? I thought we were friends!”
Xu Huang sighed and turned to his officers. “Men, whoever brings me his head gets a thousand ounces of gold!”
“WTF?” said Guan Yu, shocked. “Aren’t we friends?”
“We are!” said Xu Huang. “But this is a war, and we’re on opposite sides. It’s one of those tragic stories, you know.” He pulled out his battle-axe.
“Fuck you!” yelled Guan Yu, drawing his sabre. Spurring his horse, he met Xu Huang on the field…
…and fought exactly as well as one would expect a guy recovering from arm surgery to fight. Back in the camp, Guan Ping facepalmed and sounded the retreat.
As Guan Yu headed back to camp, a hullabaloo came from the direction of the river. It was Cao Ren, who’d gotten Cao Cao’s message that help was coming and wanted in on the action. Guan Yu’s forces were caught in a trap. As many as could escape crossed the river and made for Xiangyang.
As the army trudged on, the scouts came to Guan Yu nervously. “Boss, we checked Snopes.com, and it turns out that Lu Meng actually took Jingzhou.”
“Give me that!” roared Guan Yu, snatching the scout’s phone. But it was indeed rated “True,” so he turned his army around and headed for Gongnan.
Soon, the scouts had more news. “Fu Shiren surrendered!”
“Well shit,” said Guan Yu. “What now?”
Just then, the redshirts who had accompanied the messenger to Mi Fang arrived on the scene. “Boss! Fu Shiren killed your spokesman! Both he and Mi Fang surrendered.”
“What?!” sputtered Guan Yu, turning purple. His wound exploded in a mist of gore, and he collapsed onto the ground.
He woke up a while later, and murmured “Should have listened to Wang Fu,” before sitting up. “You guys. We had beacons. Why weren’t they lit?”
“Lu Meng’s soldiers sneaked up on them disguised as encyclopedia salesmen,” explained the officers.
Guan Yu stamped his feet on the ground. “Liu Bei’s gonna kill me.” Screaming, he flung himself down and began to kick and pound the earth, but Zhao Lei, the cook, was having none of it.
“Wah wah wah. Grow up and ask your brother for help, and in the meantime let’s see how far we can get by ourselves.”
“You’re right,” admitted Guan Yu. He sent three separate emails to Liu Bei, regrouped, and set out for Jingzhou.
Weeping, Cao Ren fell at Cao Cao’s feet. “Forgive me, Lord! Forgive me!”
“The fuck?” said Cao Cao.
“I failed you,” explained Cao Ren, tears streaming down his face.
“You… didn’t?” said Cao Cao, confused. “You held out, against all odds, till I got here?”
“Guan Yu got Xiangyang, though,” sniffled Cao Ren.
Cao Cao rolled his eyes. “Ren, for fuck’s sake – why do you have to be such a perfectionist? Get up. It wasn’t your fault, and we won. Stop being so hard on yourself.” He rewarded the armies, and when he saw the fortifications at Sizhong, he promoted Xu Huang on the spot. After the high fives and a short water break, Xu Huang and Xiahou Shang set out to intercept Guan Yu.
“Well shit,” said Guan Yu, realizing he was cut off. “What to do? Zhao Lei, ideas?”
“Hmmm,” said Zhao Lei. “Well, we used to be allies with Lu Meng against Cao Cao. Now he’s joined Cao Cao. You could try to guilt-trip him.”
“Worth a shot,” agreed Guan Yu, and wrote a letter to Lu Meng in the most passive-aggressive terms he could think of.
All this time, Lu Meng had been busy turning Jingzhou into a virtual utopia. The people were safe, and he even hired extra security to watch over the families Guan Yu’s officers. Not only that, but he’d instituted universal healthcare. Everyone in Jingzhou agreed that the new leadership was a vast improvement.
When he read the letter, Lu Meng sighed and turned to the messenger. “It’s not that I hate Guan Yu, but this is politics. I have my orders, and can’t go against them. What? No, of course I’m not going to behead you. Why would I do that? You’re a guest.”
As soon as the messenger went to the guest house, he was mobbed by the wives and children of Guan Yu’s other officers. “Tell Dad we’re okay!” they said. “Tell my husband that Mom got the medical treatment she needed!” They all filled his mail bag with notes and postcards.
Soon, the mailman got back to Guan Yu’s army, and told his boss the whole story.
“I hate that guy,” said Guan Yu, through gritted teeth. “Being all ‘benevolent’ just so he can be popular. I’ll kill him, or if I die first, I’ll haunt him! Yeah, you bet your ass that’s foreshadowing.”
“Sure, boss,” said the messenger, backing away slowly. Shaking his head, he went and delivered all the mail he’d picked up in Jingzhou City.
Of course, all the officers were happy and relieved that their families were safe, and soon many of them decided that Lu Meng would be a better boss than Guan Yu. Day by day, they began to slip away and join the other side. Furiously, Guan Yu ordered an attack.
An army appeared in his path, led by Jiang Qin. “Hey, Guan Yu! Buddy!” yelled Jiang Qin. “You can surrender now, and no one will get hurt!”
“Excuse me?” said Guan Yu. “You’re a rebel, and I’m a true servant of the Han! How can I surrender?”
“Wait, what?” said Jiang Qin. “You were literally just fighting the Han! And we’re their allies!”
“Rebel!” snarled Guan Yu, and charged at him. Jiang Qin turned and ran, Guan Yu chasing after him, until suddenly Han Dang and Zhou Tai burst out from either side. Simultaneously, Jiang Qin whirled around and attacked.
“Oh shit,” said Guan Yu. “How could I have predicted that incredibly obvious ambush?” He turned and ran.
As he approached his army, he began to see more and more civilians by the road. They held signs with slogans like ‘No More Fighting’ and ‘The People for Lu Meng.’ When Guan Yu got closer, he heard them chanting “We surrender to Lu Meng!”
“How dare they!” he roared. Drawing his sabre, he rode directly for the largest crowd of civilians. It would have been a bloodbath, but luckily for the people, Ding Feng and Xu Sheng appeared on the scene and drove Guan Yu back. Now he was completely surrounded.
Climbing a hill, he held his enemies off till evening. But not only did the Wu forces press him, but the civilians crowded behind them, calling to their redshirt brothers, husbands, and children.
“Screw this,” said most of Guan Yu’s redshirts, and ran off to join their families. By the time it was dark, all he had left were three hundred soldiers who happened to be single.
Just when it seemed that all was lost, Guan Ping and Liao Hua arrived with some reinforcements. They managed to break through the Wu lines and break Guan Yu out of the trap. But there were far too few to make a stand, and the tiny force fled to a small town called Maicheng nearby.
“Liu Feng and Meng Da aren’t too far off,” said Zhao Lei, who by this point was tacitly acknowledged to be the brains of the group. “Let’s send a message to them. If they help us, we just might last till help comes from Shu.”
As he spoke, drums sounded from all sides. They were surrounded.
Guan Yu turned to his followers. “Well, someone’s gotta try…”
“I will!” said Liao Hua. Guan Ping covered him as he burst through the gates on his horse, and Liao Hua managed to fight his way through the enemy lines. He galloped on to Shangyong and collapsed in front of Liu Feng and Meng Da.
“Guan Yu’s trapped! Save him!”
“Shit,” said Liu Feng. “You go get some rest, we’ll have a meeting.” Exhausted, Liao Hua went to sleep at once, and Liu Feng turned to Meng Da.
“What on earth should we do?”
“We can’t do anything,” said Meng Da. “Wu and Wei are holding all of Jingzhou. We can’t get through all those miles of enemy territory with the small garrison here.”
“But Guan Yu’s family,” protested Liu Feng. “He’s going to die!”
“Does he treat you like family? Does anyone?” pointed out Meng Da. “He opposed your adoption back in Chapter 36. Plus, when Liu Bei was choosing an heir, did he choose you, the eldest? Nope, he chose your mentally disabled little brother, and sent you to this backwater instead. And who told him to do that? It was your so-called uncle, Guan Yu.”
“That’s a harsh way to put it,” said Liu Feng, trying not to cry.
“It’s the truth,” said Meng Da bluntly.
“Yeah, I guess it is,” said Liu Feng. “But what can I say? I’m not going to say that.”
“Say that you can barely hold onto this city and can’t spare enough soldiers to help.”
“That should work,” said Liu Feng. He held an alarm clock next to Liao Hua’s ear, and told the groggy general his decision.
“What?” cried Liao Hua. “But Guan Yu’s gonna die!” He started banging his head against the nighttable.
“We literally can’t do anything about that,” said Meng Da. “Go back and help him yourself.”
“But-”
Liu Feng and Meng Da began flapping their sleeves at him with an air of finality. Giving up, Liao Hua groaned and hid his head under the bedclothes. When they were gone, he got out of bed, got dressed, and left for Chengdu to tell the whole story to Liu Bei.
In Maicheng, Guan Yu waited for help in vain. His food supplies were gone, and Wu pressed harder every day. Then, one morning, someone walked up to the foot of the wall and waved. “Let me in! I want to talk to the commander!”
It was Zhuge Jin. Guan Yu grudgingly served him some tea, and he began his speech.
“My boss has an offer for you. You’re a hero, we all know that, but this time you’ve lost. Your people aren’t going to help you. Why not join us? Sun Quan will give you your old job back, and I promise you, your family is okay.”
“No can do,” said Guan Yu. “If I betray my lord and brother, how will I look in the history books? Give Sun Quan my counteroffer: him and me, one-on-one.”
“Yeah, no,” said Zhuge Jin. “Look, it’s not like my boss likes Cao Cao or anything. He wants to overthrow him and restore the Han just as much as you do. Why not do it together?”
Guan Ping couldn’t take it anymore. “That’s even more bullshit coming from you than it is from us!” he roared, and drew his sword. But his father held up his hand.
“Ping, this is Zhuge Liang’s brother. If you kill him, the odds of getting any help go down to zero.” He waved to the servants. “Kick him out.”
Zhuge Jin was booted through the door, and was forced to go back to Sun Quan and admit failure.
“Dammit,” said Sun Quan. “I don’t really want to kill the guy. What are we going to do?”
“Magic 8-ball?” suggested Lu Fan, holding one up.
“Can’t hurt,” said Sun Quan. “Magic 8-ball, what should we do?” He shook it and flipped it over.
Guan Yu will run away to a distant place.
“That’s both oddly specific and way too vague,” said Sun Quan. “Does that mean he’ll get away?”
Lu Meng shook his head. “Don’t worry, it’s all part of my plan.”
Saxo Dramaticus 