“Hi, Ma Chao,” said Zhang Lu. “You win the ‘Least Surprising Cliffhanger Resolution’ award. What’s your plan?”
“I’ll take Jiameng Pass, and I’ll capture Liu Bei alive!” bragged Ma Chao.
“Is that exactly a plan?”
“You betcha.” Ma Chao’s eyes flared orange.
“That’s the spirit,” said Zhang Lu. “Yang Bo will be your second. Hop to it.”
The two stared daggers at each other.
Not long afterwards, a messenger arrived in Liu Bei’s camp. “Zheng Du told Liu Zhang to burn everything to the ground and go on the defensive!” he reported.
For the first time, Zhuge Liang looked worried. “That could be really bad for us.”
“Don’t worry. Liu Zhang’s too much of a pussy,” said Fa Zheng. “He keeps worrying about-” he made air quotes “- the ‘common people.’ We don’t have anything to stress about.”
Sure enough, they soon heard that Liu Zhang was not, in fact, planning to destroy everything of value in his whole country to keep it from Liu Bei. “Thank goodness,” said Zhuge Liang. “On to Mianzhu!”
Wei Yan and Huang Zhong took off at once. In Mianzhu, the commander, Fei Guan, sent Li Yan out to meet them. Li Yan squared off against Huang Zhong, and the two warriors fought an epic duel that went on… and on… and on…
Zhuge Liang yawned. “Sound the retreat,” he called.
Huang Zhong stormed over. “What the hell? I was winning!”
“You were not winning,” said Zhuge Liang. “It was getting really boring. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
“Harrumph,” said Huang Zhong.
“You can lead him into a trap,” said Zhuge Liang.
“So I miss out on the opportunity for an epic victory?” said Huang Zhong. “Fine. You’re the boss.”
Sure enough, the next morning Huang Zhong pretended to run away, and Li Yan fell for it, as always. They soon reached the hills, and Li Yan suddenly spotted Wei Yan and all his troops blocking the path. He pulled up short- and bowmen appeared all around him.
“We’re just itching to avenge the death of Pang Tong!” yelled Zhuge Liang, jumping out from behind a bush.
“What?” cried Li Yan. “I had absolutely nothing to do with that!”
“Whatever,” snarled Zhuge Liang. “This is your one and only chance to surrender.”
Li Yan promptly jumped off his horse and began stripping. “Okay, okay, I know when to fold’em…”
Liu Bei smiled appreciatively, and was so nice to Li Yan that the prisoner got an idea. “Fei Guan’s my best friend,” he said. “How about I try to seduce him? To your side, I mean.”
“Sure, give it a shot,” said Liu Bei, and Liu Yan went back home. “Hey, Fei Guan! This Liu Bei guy isn’t half bad!”
“Are you saying I should betray my kinsman for him?”
“Yep.”
Fei Guan sighed. “Yeah, I probably should.”
When Mianzhu fell to Liu Bei, everything was in place to attack the capital. Liu Bei was just getting ready to attack, when the messenger came.
“Hey boss, remember Jiameng Pass?”
“Yeah?”
“Ma Chao’s attacking it.”
“Who? What? Why?” said Liu Bei. “Isn’t his dad supposed to be my friend?”
“It’s complicated,” said the messenger. “He’s kind of been on this long arc, since Chapter 57.”
“Dammit,” said Liu Bei. “Well, what are we going to do?”
Zhuge Liang shook his head. “We need both Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun!” he said. “Otherwise we’ll lose the pass.”
“Fuck,” said Liu Bei. “We left Zhao Yun on the other side of that river, last chapter. But we can send Zhang Fei, he’s here-”
Zhuge Liang shushed him. “Basic psychology,” he said. “I’m trying to wind Zhang Fei up.”
Sure enough, Zhang Fei stuck his head around the corner. “Ma Chao? Oh goody! A real fight!”
Zhuge Liang ignored him and turned to Liu Bei. “And we have absolutely no one competent! If only Guan Yu were here…”
“Are you calling me incompetent?” yelled Zhang Fei.
“You are incompetent,” said Zhuge Liang. “Your two main skills are getting drunk, and yelling really loudly. Sure, it worked once or twice, but do you expect dumb luck to hold up? Ma Chao scared the shit out of Cao Cao himself. No, I don’t think you’re anywhere near his level.”
“Excuse me?” roared Zhang Fei. “I will go kick Ma Chao’s ass! That’s a promise!”
“Or?”
“Or you can execute me!”
“Can I have that in writing?” asked Zhuge Liang.
“Fine!”
“Ok, deal,” said Zhuge Liang. “Liu Bei will back you up-” Liu Bei looked shocked, but said nothing “-and I’ll stay here until Zhao Yun gets back.”
“Hey!” shouted Wei Yan, running in. “I wanna go too!”
The three set off, with Wei Yan leading the advance, and Zhang Fei coming second with the bulk of the army. Liu Bei made sure to stay well back.
For openers, Wei Yan clashed with Yang Bo, who ran away. Wei Yan fist-pumped. “Fuck yeah!” he said. “I’ll show Zhang Fei who’s the best!” He charged forward and ran smack into Ma Dai.
“Is that Ma Chao?” he said, squinting. The cousins had a strong family resemblance, and Wei Yan had never met either of them. “Die, Ma Chao!” he hollered, twirling his sword around.
“Is he talking to me?” said Ma Dai. He took a few steps back, then shot Wei Yan in the arm.
“Ow. Ow! Fuck!” Wei Yan turned around and scrambled back to the Pass, Ma Dai in hot pursuit. They had almost reached the Pass when another warrior galloped out.
“Who’s the impulsive idiot? For fuck’s sake!” yelled Zhang Fei. Wei Yan looked sheepish, as Zhang Fei rode up to Ma Dai and squinted.
“Wait, are you Ma Chao?”
“I am Ma Dai!” said Ma Dai proudly.
Zhang Fei slumped, disappointed. “Lame. Go tell your cousin to come fight me.”
“Rude!” snapped Ma Dai, and tried to stab Zhang Fei in the face. But Zhang Fei was right – Ma Dai was no match for him, and soon the younger Ma was fleeing in the opposite direction. Zhang Fei was just revving up to go after him, when Liu Bei finally arrived on the scene.
“Zhang Fei! What have I told you about being impulsive! For the millionth time…”
Zhang Fei locked eyes with Wei Yan, grumbled, and subsided.
“Oh, don’t feel bad,” said Liu Bei. “There’s no way Ma Chao will pass up that challenge you sent him. You can fight him tomorrow. Best get some sleep.”
The next day, with a flourish and a drum roll, Ma Chao rode up to Liu Bei’s camp. Liu Bei, who was standing well back and on high ground as usual, looked him over. The young man’s helmet was shaped like a lion, and so was his belt buckle. His armour shone silver and white in the sun, his eye-glow was a tasteful magenta, and he moved with a fluid, graceful motion. Liu Bei looked him up and down, and sighed.
“Wow. He is hot.”
“Ima fight him!” snarled Zhang Fei, but Liu Bei shook his head. “Let him tire himself out first.”
Ma Chao ran around outside for a while, yelling, as Zhang Fei seethed and Liu Bei drooled. Finally, at noon, Liu Bei noticed Ma Chao’s soldiers tiring, and gestured to Zhang Fei. “Have at it.”
Zhang Fei burst out of the gate at once. “Ma Chao! I’m Zhang Fei! Ever heard of me?”
“Nope!” answered Ma Chao. “My family doesn’t know plebs like you!”
Infuriated, Zhang Fei took a swing at him, and they went at it for a hundred rounds. As time went on, Liu Bei got antsy. “Retreat!” he called.
Both champions rode back to their own sides, panting. “I can’t see anything in this helmet,” complained Zhang Fei. He took it off, and put a turban on instead before setting out again.
Liu Bei let the men fight for another hundred rounds, but at that point it was getting quite late. “Retreat!” he called, again. As Zhang Fei stomped back, he added “Better luck tomorrow!”
“What do you mean, tomorrow?” yelled Zhang Fei. “I am kicking his ass tonight, or I’ll die trying!”
“But it’s dark,” pointed out Liu Bei.
“So what?” snorted Zhang Fei. “The redshirts can hold flashlights. It’ll look cool.”
On the other side, Ma Chao had the same idea. “Hey, Zhang Fei! Wanna fight in the dark?”
As the redshirts passed flashlights around, the champions rode out for the third time. “Either I get you, or I die!” said Zhang Fei.
“Same to you!” said Ma Chao, and without more ado the fight began again.
This time, after just a few rounds, Ma Chao stumbled backwards, hesitated, then turned and ran.
“Come back here!” shouted Zhang Fei, chasing after him. But of course, it was a trick. Ma Chao suddenly skidded to a halt, and as Zhang Fei’s momentum carried him past his opponent, Ma Chao pulled out his mace and sprayed it directly at Zhang Fei’s face.
Fortunately, Zhang Fei spotted him in time and managed to dodge the noxious vapour. He pulled back, and without missing a beat shot an arrow at Ma Chao, who also dodged.
At this point, the referee stepped in. “Time out!” called Liu Bei. “Ma Chao, I swear I won’t attack while you’re off guard. You can trust me, I’m the hero.”
Ma Chao gave him a thumbs up, and rode back to his own camp with his soldiers. Zhang Fei and the other generals clustered around Liu Bei. “So, when do we attack?”
“We don’t. Didn’t you hear what I said to him?”
“What? We always backstab people! That’s how it works!”
“Not this guy,” said Liu Bei, shaking his head. “He’s hot.”
The next morning, Zhang Fei was just gearing up to go fight again, when a familiar face arrived on the scene.
“Zhuge Liang? What are you doing here?”
“Emergency,” said Zhuge Liang, pulling Liu Bei aside. “Listen. This Ma Chao guy is one of the best fighters in China right now. Maybe the best. If he fights Zhang Fei, one of them’s going to get killed, and that’ll be a terrible waste.”
“Why didn’t you think of that before literally sending Zhang Fei to go fight him?”
Zhuge Liang brushed it off. “I left Zhao Yun and Huang Zhong in charge of Mianzhu. Now listen – wouldn’t it be nice if we could bring Ma Chao over to our side?”
“Hell yes,” said Liu Bei, salivating. “Have you seen the guy? He looks like a work of art -”
“Oh, shut up,” said Zhuge Liang. “Listen. Ma Chao’s boss, Zhang Lu, really wants to be Prince of Hanzhong. What does that have to do with anything, you may ask? Easy peasy. You know Yang Song? Zhang Lu’s random employee? No? Well, he hates Ma Chao, and more importantly, he likes money. Everyone does. So we send him some gold.”
“To backstab Ma Chao?”
“No, to put in a good word for us with Zhang Lu – the guy already hates Liu Zhang, it’ll be easy. We’ll tell him that if he backs off, we’ll send a letter to the Emperor asking him to name Zhang Lu Prince of Hanzhong. He’ll tell Ma Chao to retreat and come home.”
“I see two flaws in that plan,” said Liu Bei. “First of all, the Emperor is a puppet of my mortal enemy, Cao Cao, and he controls who gets what title. Second, that’ll help with the war, sure, but how will it make Ma Chao come over to our side?”
“For the first one, meh. Zhang Lu’s dumb enough to fall for it. As for the second, I’ll figure it out when we get there.”
Liu Bei shrugged. “You’re the smart guy. I’ll do it.” He wrote a letter and handed it off to Sun Qian, along with some bling.
Moments later, Sun Qian appeared before Yang Song, with a loud “Pop!”
“Gah!” said Yang Song. “Oooooh…. Shiny! You want me to do what? Sure, I hate Ma Chao anyway.” He ushered Sun Qian into Zhang Lu’s office.
“He’ll get me that title?” said Zhang Lu. “Bullshit. He’s just some general, and Cao Cao hates him.”
“Yeah, but he’s a Liu,” said Yang Song. “He’s the Emperor’s uncle fifteen times removed or something. Anyway, he’s the hero. Of course he can do it.”
“Fair enough,” said Zhang Lu. “I’ll call him and tell him to come back. Oh, Sun Qian? Yeah, you’re staying here till we see what Ma Chao does.”
People who can teleport don’t have much to fear as hostages. Sun Qian was happy to stay as Yang Song’s guest and get the lay of the land. Ma Chao got back to his boss right away.
Sorry boss, I’m on a roll. I can’t quit now!
Zhang Lu sent two more strongly worded letters, but Ma Chao continued to ignore them.
“That Ma Chao,” snorted Yang Song. “He’s up to no good.”
Zhang Lu nodded uneasily.
Over the next few days, Yang Song visited all the biggest gossips at court. “Ma Chao’s disobeying orders!” he said. “We all know he only came here because he had nowhere else to go. He has no loyalty. He just wants to use us to get an army and avenge his dad!”
Those rumours got back to Zhang Lu very quickly. “This is really worrying,” he said to a secretly gleeful Zhang Song. “What should I do?”
“Give Ma Chao a hard deadline,” said Yang Song. “He has one month to kick out Liu Bei, take over the Riverlands, and bring back the head of Liu Zhang. If he can’t do it, off with his head. Plus, send Zhang Wei to keep an eye on him.”
Ma Chao read the email for the third time, and shook his head. “That’s completely unreasonable! Even I can’t do that in a month!”
Ma Dai looked over his shoulder, and looked nervous. “Better to just follow orders and go home, then.”
“I guess,” said Ma Chao unhappily.
When his reply reached Zhang Lu’s court, Yang Song shook his head. “So he disobeys orders, you read him the riot act, and he suddenly turns around and starts heading here with an army? Not good. Put up roadblocks and stop him.”
Ma Chao hit the first roadblock and got the message very quickly. “Zhang Lu doesn’t want me to come back. He doesn’t trust me any more. What am I going to do?” He hesitated for a long time.
“Okay, now’s my moment,” said Zhuge Liang. “I’m going to use my three inches of tongue to persuade Ma Chao to join us.”
“That’s a mental picture I… don’t mind, actually,” said Liu Bei. “But it’s too risky. He’s still our enemy.”
“I’ll be fine,” said Zhuge Liang. “Trust me – wait, is that a mailman?”
It was, and he was carrying letters from Zhao Yun. “Thanks!” said Liu Bei. “Wait. Aren’t you Li Hui from Chapter 60?”
“Yep, that’s me,” said Li Hui, pulling off his mailman’s cap.
“Weren’t you in the ‘death before we let Liu Bei in’ camp?”
Li Hui sighed. “I was, but that ship is already halfway underwater. I told him not to let you in, so I did my job. It’s only a matter of time before you take over, and hey, you’re the hero. I might as well be on the winning side.”
“That’s the spirit,” said Liu Bei approvingly. “Glad to have you onboard.”
“Plus, I’m buddies with Ma Chao,” added Li Hui.
“That’s super convenient,” said Zhuge Liang. “You don’t really care if he dies, do you? Let him go instead of me.”
“Perfect,” said Liu Bei.
“So Li Hui, what are you going to tell him?” asked Zhuge Liang. Li Hui whispered in his ear, and Zhuge Liang grinned. “That should work. Go ahead.”
In his camp, Ma Chao looked at Li Hui’s card and scowled. “That slimeball? Yeah, he’s come to talk me over. Well, I’ll hear what he has to say, but I want twelve guards hiding behind the curtains. If I say the word, chop him up!”
Li Hui was let in, and Ma Chao greeted him coldly. “What do you want?”
“You know what I want,” said Li Hui. “I’m here to talk you over.”
“Figures,” said Ma Chao. “Well out with it, and don’t bore me. If your words don’t penetrate me, my sword will penetrate you!”
Li Hui stared. “Wow. Paging Dr. Freud,” he said. “Well, honestly, I’m more worried about that sword stabbing you than me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re in a rough spot, buddy,” said Li Hui oilily. “Listen, hot girls are hot, no matter what gossip says, and ugly girls are ugly no matter what. The sun rises and sets; the moon waxes and wanes. You can’t break the laws of nature-”
“Get to the point,” said Ma Chao, gripping the handle of his sword.
“Okay, okay. Here’s the deal. Cao Cao killed your dad, and he’s trying to kill you. You got run out of Longxi after all that, er, unpleasantness. It’s too late to save Liu Zhang, and Zhang Lu’s mad at you, plus Yang Song has his ear so you can’t do anything about that. You literally don’t have a boss, or the resources to set up your own outfit. What happens if you lose the next battle?”
Ma Chao hung his head. “You’re right,” he muttered.
“Of course I’m right,” said Li Hui. “So now that we’re on the same page, how about you call off your dogs? I can see them behind the curtains, you know. They cast giant shadows, and their feet are sticking out.”
“Scram, redshirts,” said Ma Chao. He turned to Li Hui unhappily. “So, I’m guessing you’re here to offer me an alternative?”
“You guess correctly,” said Li Hui. “Your dad was friends with Liu Bei, after all. Plus, he’s the hero. Look, I quit my job to join him, and that worked out really well.”
“I’ll do it,” said Ma Chao, deciding. “Here, as a show of good faith -” he raised his voice – “Yang Bo! Yang Bo!”
Yang Bo stuck his head into the tent. “Yeah? What is it-”
Ma Chao’s sword came down and sliced his head off.
“That’s, uh, a great show of good faith,” said Li Hui, backing away slowly. “Come on, let’s go to Liu Bei’s camp.”
They soon arrived, and Liu Bei was over the moon with delight. Ma Chao presented the head of Yang Bo, which made him even happier. It was a love-fest.
As everyone was shaking hands and congratulating each other, there was a bang, and Sun Qian appeared out of nowhere. “Hey, guys! What’s this? Ma Chao defected?”
“Oh, there you are,” said Liu Bei. “Yeah, he did. We’re marching on the capital now.”
“I was a hostage,” said Sun Qian. “Did you forget about that?”
“Kind of,” said Liu Bei. “But you can take care of yourself. Now let’s march on Chengdu.”
It was no sooner said than done. Liu Bei left Meng Da and Huo Jun to guard Jiameng Pass, and headed to Chengdu with the bulk of his army.
When they closed in, two of Liu Zhang’s generals came out to defend. “Those guys look soft,” bragged Liu Bei to his latest employee. “Zhao Yun can handle them. Let’s make some popcorn!”
So Liu Bei and Ma Chao got some good seats and munched popcorn, as Zhao Yun tangled with the two enemies. Liu Bei had been right; they were no match for him, and soon enough Zhao Yun joined them. “Catch!” he said, tossing the enemy generals’ severed heads in their direction. One landed in the popcorn bowl, and Ma Chao caught the other.
“That was awesome!” he gushed. “I’m so glad to be working with you guys! Can Dai and I give it a shot tomorrow?”
Liu Bei beamed. “Absolutely.”
In Chengdu, Liu Zhang was spending his days biting his nails down to the the second knuckle. Eventually, he got word that Ma Chao was coming with an army to rescue him, and it was only a few days later that Ma Chao and Ma Dai appeared before his walls.
“Can I talk to Liu Zhang?” hollered Ma Chao.
Liu Zhang stuck his head out. “Yes? Hello?”
“Well I was coming to help you,” said Ma Chao. “But it got complicated, and long story short, I’m working for Liu Bei now. Yeah, rough, isn’t it? I do feel a little bad about backstabbing you like this, so I’ll give you one chance to surrender – hello? Hello?”
Liu Zhang had fainted. His employees revived him, but when he could finally speak again, he was a broken man.
“This war is stupid. I made all the peasants suffer because of my pride and stubbornness. No more.”
“You can’t give in!” shouted Dong He. “This city is still strong! We can hold out!”
“With what endgame?” said Liu Zhang. “Forget it. The people have suffered enough. I’m not putting them through a siege, too.”
The generals looked at each other, and all burst into tears as one.
“He’s right,” said Qiao Zhou, the astrologer. “Star forecast says the leadership is going to change. Might as well do it gracefully.”
Liu Ba and Huang Quan jumped up to punch him in the face, but Liu Zhang shook his head. “Seriously, I meant it. We’ve had enough violence already.”
The next day, the news came that Governor Xu Jing had gone over to Liu Bei. That was absolutely the last straw, and Liu Zhang was inconsolable.
It was the next morning, Jian Yong pulled up to the gates in a flashy car. He pushed up his sunglasses and waved at the guards. “Look who’s here!”
“Who are you?” asked the guards, puzzled.
Jian Yong rolled his eyes. “I’m from Liu Bei. Let me in!”
The guards, who were expecting someone from Liu Bei, did so. Jian Yong drove straight to the palace, ignoring all traffic laws and blasting heavy beats through his stereo.
Suddenly, a man jumped in front of his car. “Jian Yong! Stop acting like such a douchebag! You look ridiculous!”
Jian Yong screeched to a halt, looking sheepish. “Qin Mi? Is that you?”
“Yes,” said Qin Mi. “Wait, have I been introduced yet?”
“I doubt it,” said Jian Yong. “I don’t think the author cares about me or my friends very much.”
“Well, there’s no need to overcompensate,” said Qin Mi, getting in the passenger’s seat. “I’m going with you. Let’s go see the boss.”
It was a much better-behaved Jian Yong who met with Liu Zhang, and he made such a good impression and spoke so convincingly of Liu Bei’s kind heart that Liu Zhang’s mind was made up. The next morning, he packed his mayor’s chain and seal, and headed to Jian Yong’s car.
“Do you have space in your trunk?”
“Yes, why?” asked Jian Yong, puzzled.
“I want to bring my library,” said Liu Zhang. Several servants came out, carrying boxes of books.
“Why do you need your library?”
“I’m surrendering,” explained Liu Zhang.
“Since when do you need your library to surrender?”
“I just do,” said Liu Zhang, opening the trunk. When they had finally squeezed all the archives into the trunk, the pair headed back to Liu Bei’s camp.
Liu Bei ran out to meet him, and clasped his hand. “Hey, brother! Look, I didn’t mean to backstab you or take over your kingdom. I’m a victim of circumstance, okay? This is all a big misunderstanding. Now hand over the mayor’s chain and seal.”
“Whatever you say,” said Liu Zhang dully. “Library’s in the trunk.”
Soon, the two Lius were riding through the streets together. The commoners, glad that this was all finally over, cheered, and Liu Bei threw a party to celebrate the “peaceful resolution.”
Huang Quan and Liu Ba refused to come to the party. “You should kill them,” growled Zhang Fei, but Liu Bei shook his head. “Bro, I’m on a roll with this hero thing. I’ll talk them over.”
He showed up unannounced at their houses, and both holdouts were so touched by this gesture that they too submitted.
After the party, Zhuge Liang approached Liu Bei. “So. We’re done playing the nice guy. Time to send Liu Zhang into exile.”
“That’s kind of a dick move, isn’t it?” muttered Liu Bei.
Zhuge Liang shrugged. “It’s a show of strength. Where did being nice get him?”
“That’s a good point,” said Liu Bei. “Okay, I’ll throw another party, then tell him at that party.”
Liu Zhang was expecting it. He took the meaningless consolation title quietly, then very sensibly exited stage left with his family, not to re-enter the plot.
Liu Bei spent the next few days handing out rewards and titles like candy. He didn’t forget to send a huge goodie bag to Guan Yu, and gave out free meals to the common people to ensure popularity. Next, he eyed the lands of the great aristocratic families.
“Those look nice,” he said. “How about I eminent domain them and give them out to my buddies?”
“You’re joking, right?” said Zhao Yun. “You’re not? Boss! Even Cao Cao doesn’t do that! Not only is it the opposite of heroic, but that’s how you get assassinated, or another revolution!”
Liu Bei made himself look very small. “Yeah. Forget I ever said it.”
Zhuge Liang came in next. “So, I’ve reworked the whole legal system. No biggie.”
Fa Zheng took the draft from his hands and skimmed it. “Wow, this is really harsh! What happened to kindness, generosity, and heroic leading by example?”
“Like I said before, show of strength,” said Zhuge Liang. “Liu Zhang’s whole system was corrupt. It was basically anarchy and favouritism. We need to promote law and order. Don’t worry, we’ll start being nice again once everyone realizes who’s in charge.”
“Makes sense,” said Fa Zheng. He took the lesson very much to heart, went to his lands, and started being a massive dick to the common people.
“He’s being a dick!” they complained.
Zhuge Liang shrugged. “He helped us out with this invasion. He can be as much of a dick as he wants.”
Luckily for the common people, Fa Zheng heard about this conversation, and his conscience kicked in. From then on, he was a much better person, and there is probably a moral in that story somewhere.
One day, Liu Bei was chilling with Zhuge Liang when Guan Ping came in. “Hey, my dad says thanks for the gift basket!”
“No problem,” said Liu Bei.
“He also has a request,” said Guan Ping, handing over a note.
Can I come over and fight Ma Chao? Please? Pleeeaaaaase? It would be epic!”
“Yeah, how about no?” said Liu Bei. “The last thing I want is my generals killing each other just for fun.”
Zhuge Liang’s eyes were rolling out of his head. “I’ll talk to him.”
Soon, Guan Ping was handing the response back to his dad.
Yeah, yeah, I know you want to have a dick-measuring contest with Ma Chao. I’ll save you the time. He’s maybe Zhang Fei level, tops. You’re waaaaay better than he is, and your beard is just gorgeous. There, happy? Plus, you’re busy with Jingzhou – you don’t have time to waste. What if you left, and we lost Jingzhou just because you wanted to fight that loser?
Guan Yu stroked his beard suggestively and laughed. “He sure knows me!”
Sun Quan had been watching this entire time, and when it looked like the show was over, he called in Zhang Zhao and Gu Yong.
“Guys, remember how Liu Bei swore up and down that he’d give Jingzhou back when he had Yiazhou? Well, he’s taken over Yiazhou now. He’s out of excuses. I’ll ask nicely, and if he still won’t give it back, I’ll attack!”
“Wouldn’t it be even better if we could get it without fighting?” said Zhang Zhao. “I have this plan…”
Saxo Dramaticus 