The soldiers carried Zhou Yu to his boat, where he regained consciousness only to see Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang on a nearby hilltop. They were blasting music, drinking, and blowing raspberries at him.
Zhou Yu ground his teeth helplessly. “I’ll get them yet!”
Soon, Sun Quan’s younger brother Shao showed up. “I’m here to help!”
“Awesome,” coughed Zhou Yu. “Attack Yiazhou, will ya? I’m just going to roll with that.”
Sun Shao marched out, but ran into Liu Feng and Guan Ping, who commanded a couple armies that were stationed right in the way. “This is a blockade!”
“Oh. Uh-” said Sun Shao. After scratching his head a bit, he turned around and reported a failure.
“Are you kidding?” said Zhou Yu furiously, but just then a letter from Zhuge Liang arrived. “Huh?” He tore it open.
I know you want to take over Yiazhou, but I don’t think you can do it. Liu Zhang’s stronger than he looks. And if you marched your whole army away – well, nice country you have there. Shame if Cao Cao were to attack it.
Zhou Yu sighed heavily. “I hate to admit it, but he’s right. And I don’t have much time left.” He wrote a long letter to Sun Quan, then called all the generals to his bedside.
“I’m dying,” he choked. “You have to carry on my work. Do your best for the boss, okay?” He faded out, then roused himself for one last cry to the heavens.
“Seriously God, why did you create that asshole?”
“Amen,” whispered everyone. Zhou Yu exhaled. “Felt good to get that off my chest.” He closed his eyes.
That night, Zhou Yu passed away at the age of thirty-six.
Sun Quan received his letter a few days later and read it, tears streaming down his cheeks.
I wasn’t the greatest, boss, but I did my best for you. Sorry I had to go so soon. It’s not the ideal time, with Cao Cao and Liu Bei still running around smashing things.
Lu Su should get my old job. Yeah, I know, he’s kind of an idiot, but he loves you and you can trust him 100%. Trust me, I’ve thought about it a lot, and that’s my dying wish.
Goodbye.
Sun Quan wiped his eyes. “I don’t know what I’ll do without him… Babe, you have some big shoes to fill.”
“I don’t know if I can do that-”
“He believed in you,” said Sun Quan. “Anyway, we’ll talk about it after the funeral.”
Meanwhile in Jingzhou, Zhuge Liang was doing his usual astrology when he saw a star fall. “Ha-ha! Zhou Yu’s dead!” he grinned triumphantly.
“It’s true,” confirmed the spies a few days later.
“Cool,” said Liu Bei. “What’s our next step?”
“Lu Su’s going to get his old job,” said Zhuge Liang. “Which is good for us. I’ll go to his funeral and scope things out.”
“You might get killed,” pointed out Liu Bei.
“Nah, I’ll be fine,” said Zhuge Liang. “Zhou Yu was the main one who wanted to kill me, and I literally just trolled him to death. I guess I’ll take Zhao Yun with me, though.”
Zhuge Liang walked right into the funeral parlour. Everyone gave him the stink eye, except Lu Su, who greeted him politely.
Zhuge Liang went up to the coffin and poured a drink. “So, I’m going to give a eulogy,” he announced, paused a moment for effect, then began.
“Zhou Yu! You died way too young. What a shame! I’m terribly distraught about it. Here, have a drink.” He dumped the drink on the corpse’s face.
“So I made a list of all the things I’m sad about here. Number one: I’m sorry you spent your young days in a hut, even when you were friends with Sun Ce. Shows how unmaterialistic you are.
“Number two: I really miss the days when you were scaring the shit out of Liu Biao and keeping everyone safe.
“Number three: I miss the grace of your manhood. Er, that came out wrong. You were married to a girl, and she was hot – I mean, you were a cute couple – you know what, I’ll quit while I’m ahead here.
“Number four: I miss your opposition to Cao Cao. That was super helpful, seriously. You did us a solid there.
“Number five: I miss the way you dealt with Jiang Gan. I have to admit it, that was a good one.
“Number six: I miss your genius. That fire attack was awesome, even by my standards, and I’m a diagnosed pyromaniac.
“So yeah. I’ll never forget how awesome you were, and neither will anyone else. Heck, when I remember all your anxiety attacks, my own bowels move with sorrow!
“If only you could have controlled your temper a bit more! Alas, now you’re the poster boy for not giving yourself high blood pressure when you have a massive arrow wound in your side. Dying in a pool of blood? Yeesh.
“You displayed the epitome of genius – you were smart enough to ask me for help! And you were really good at carrying out my plans, even when it was unintentional. I wasn’t worried for a moment.”
Zhuge Liang dabbed at his eyes, then wrapped up. “I hope you can hear me, Zhou Yu, wherever you are. This book will be so much less fun without you.”
He stepped away from the podium and began sobbing almost as theatrically as Liu Bei. All the onlookers were in complete shock.
“It’s not often you see ‘sincerity’ like that!” said one of the mourners to no one in particular.
Lu Su got up. “Thank you for your kind words. It’s a shame you two couldn’t get along in life. Refreshments will now be served in the back.”
As Zhuge Liang left the reception, someone tapped him on the shoulder. “You old hypocrite, you! First you troll the guy to death, and now you give a speech like that at his funeral!”
Zhuge Liang turned around to see someone grinning at him. “Who are you – oh! Pang Tong! It’s been ages!” The old friends had a good laugh over Zhou Yu’s death, and went down to Zhuge Liang’s ride hand-in-hand.
“I don’t think working for Sun Quan is that great,” said Zhuge Liang. “Here, I’ll write you a letter of recommendation. There’ll always be a spot for you with Liu Bei.”
Lu Su lead the funeral procession to the inappropriately named Woohoo, where Sun Quan met it and cried his eyes out. Zhou Yu was laid to rest in his hometown, and Sun Quan set up a trust fund for his children.
“Honey,” said Lu Su, pulling Sun Quan aside. “I really don’t know if I’m up to this.”
“I’m sure you can do it,” said Sun Quan.
“At least can I have some help?” asked Lu Su. “Here, we have this really smart guy around. Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang both consulted him.”
“Who?”
“Pang Tong, you know, the one who goes by Blooming-Phoenix,” said Lu Su.
Sun Quan called in Pang Tong for an interview, but was slightly disturbed by the fact that he looked like a troll doll. Nevertheless, he continued with the interview.
“So, what are your qualifications?”
Pang Tong shrugged. “I learn what I need to.”
“Uh, okay,” said Sun Quan. “How would you compare yourself with the late great Zhou Yu?”
“That guy?” Pang Tong snorted. “I’m infinitely better than him. You can’t really compare us, I’m just that much more awesome.”
Sun Quan was taken aback, and deeply hurt on Zhou Yu’s behalf. “Alright then,” he said icily. “Go home. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.”
Pang Tong huffed, rolled his eyes, and stalked out.
“Why didn’t you hire him?” asked Lu Su, sticking his head around the corner.
“That psycho?” said Sun Quan. “Forget it.”
“He helped out at the battle of Red Cliff,” pointed out Lu Su. “He got Cao Cao to chain his ships together.”
“I doubt he had much to do with that,” said Sun Quan. He swiveled his chair around and sighed. “Sweetheart, you’re just going to have to accept the job. I know you’ll be great.”
Lu Su nodded and swallowed.
He caught up with Pang Tong outside. “Hey, buddy! Wait a moment!” Pang Tong turned around, and he continued, “I know you’re good at your job. You just had a bad interview there.”
Pang Tong just shook his head and said nothing.
“I’ll write you a letter of recommendation so you can get hired anywhere.”
Pang Tong shrugged.
“Come on, tell me where you’ll apply next,” begged Lu Su.
“Probably Cao Cao,” said Pang Tong.
“The villain? Really? Don’t waste your talent like that! Why don’t you go have a look at Liu Bei’s outfit? With their company culture, you’d fit right in.”
“Yeah, probably,” said Pang Tong. “I was just kidding about Cao Cao.”
“Here, take this recommendation then,” said Lu Su, pressing an envelope into his hand. “Just one thing: please do your part to keep the peace between us and him.”
“Of course I will,” said Pang Tong. “Thanks for the letter.” He went straight to Jingzhou. Zhuge Liang happened to be away, but since Pang Tong was a well-known scholar, the doorman just waved him in.
He strolled right up to Liu Bei. “Sup, dawg.”
Liu Bei frowned at the troll doll who was addressing him so informally. “Did you have a good trip?”
“Yeah,” said Pang Tong. “So I heard you have a good gig here. Any vacancies?” He thought himself far too impressive to need the letters of recommendation.
Liu Bei thought about it. Pang Tong seemed like an ass, but he was well-known as a genius, and Water-Mirror had recommended him. “Only entry-level positions,” he said. “There’s this small town called Leiyang that needs a mayor.”
Pang Tong was disappointed, but for some reason, he still didn’t pull out his glowing testimonials. “I guess that’s okay.” He headed to Leiyang, and proceeded to do every drug he could get his hands on.
In the next few months, the court system ground to a halt, and tax fraud was rampant. Eventually even Liu Bei heard about it, and he was not impressed. “This troublemaker is the last thing I need,” he fumed. “Zhang Fei, go look into it.”
“I’ll deal with that useless drunk,” said Zhang Fei, cracking his knuckles.
“Boss?” said Sun Qian. “You know how that’ll end. Don’t you think you should send somebody with some tact?”
“Good point,” said Liu Bei. “You go with him.”
Sun Qian and Zhang Fei soon reached Leiyang, and the staff greeted them.
“Where’s the mayor?” growled Zhang Fei.
The clerks exchanged glances. “He passed out drunk again last night. Same as every night. We’re pretty sure he’s still sleeping it off. He never gets into the office until ten.”
A vein popped out of Zhang Fei’s forehead, but Sun Qian stepped in. “Let’s look into this a little further before we start cracking heads.” He started auditing the paperwork, none of which was completed.
Eventually Pang Tong stumbled in, wearing no pants. There was a cloud of weed smoke around him.
“Look at you,” said Zhang Fei disgustedly. “My brother trusted you, and here you are running the country into the ground!”
“First of all, you’re one to talk,” sneered Pang Tong. “Second, ‘running the country into the ground’ is a huge exaggeration. This is a boring one-horse town. I can finish all the paperwork by noon.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” agreed Pang Tong, sitting in the judge’s seat. “Call in the defendants!”
The next couple of hours were very busy. A constant stream of peasants filed through the doors, and Pang Tong set several new records for fastest trial. By noon, he’d completely eliminated the backlog of the last three months.
He threw down his pen. “There! Don’t you see, I’m wasting myself with this boring stuff.”
Zhang Fei crossed the room and checked. Every i was indeed dotted, and every t was crossed. Despite himself, he was impressed. “Damn. You weren’t kidding. I’ll recommend you to my brother for a promotion.”
“I already have a recommendation, from Lu Su,” said Pang Tong, pulling it out.
“Hey! You do! Why didn’t you pull that out at your job interview?”
“Reasons.”
“Okay,” said Zhang Fei. “Sun Qian, thanks for preventing me from doing anything stupid.”
The pair returned and told Liu Bei the whole story. “Wow,” said Liu Bei. “Maybe I did misjudge him.”
“Lu Su recommended him, too,” said Zhang Fei, passing on the letter. Liu Bei read it.
This guy’s really good. Please don’t judge him by his looks. That isn’t very nice, and also misleading.
Just then, Zhuge Liang walked in. “Glad to be back!” he said. “How’s my buddy Pang Tong?”
“I made him mayor of Leiyang,” said Liu Bei. “But he’s just been lazing around, drinking and getting high.”
“What?” said Zhuge Liang, startled. “You didn’t give him a better job? Didn’t you get my letter of recommendation?”
“I have one from Lu Su, but not you.”
Zhuge Liang laughed. “He’s weird like that sometimes. Look, that’s what happens when you give a genius a desk job. He gets bored and starts drinking and doing drugs. That’s normal.”
“So what exactly were you doing in your cottage before I hired you?”
“You heard my music, what do you think?”
“Fair point,” said Liu Bei. He sent Zhang Fei to go fetch Pang Tong, and when they came back, he personally apologized.
“No biggie,” said Pang Tong. “Hey, Zhuge Liang gave me this letter of recommendation.”
“Awesome,” said Liu Bei. “You’re promoted to Zhuge Liang’s assistant. He pretty much runs everything, so that’s really important. Ha! Now I have both of you, just like Water-Mirror recommended! I’ll definitely be able to take over the world now.”
Cao Cao soon heard about all this in Xuchang, and was worried. He did what he always did when he was worried.
“All right, boys,” he said to the packed meeting room. “What should we do now?”
“We should attack Sun Quan,” said Big Xun. “Zhou Yu just died. He was their best, and they’re restructuring right now. It’s the perfect opportunity.”
“Yeah, but look what happened last time,” said Cao Cao. “And if the whole army leaves, Ma Teng might attack the capital. He has an annoying deus ex machina habit, and there were rumours he was going to attack, back in Chapter 48.”
“Now, I’m not a genius or anything,” said Big Xun, “But I have an idea that seems pretty hot. Give Ma Teng a title.”
“I don’t think a title will cut it,” said Cao Cao doubtfully.
“Depends on the title,” said Big Xun. “For example, what if you gave him the title ‘General Who Subdues the South’?”
“I see where this is going,” said Cao Cao slowly. “We make the Emperor give him the ‘Annex the Southlands’ mission, and that way our problems take care of each other while we keep our hands clean?”
“Nah,” said Big Xun. “I was just thinking we lure him to the capital to accept the title, then stab him.”
“That works too,” said Cao Cao.
Ma Teng was stationed in Xiliang, on the wild Western frontier. This was barbarian Qiang territory, and the half-Qiang Ma Teng held undisputed power. A few decades earlier, he’d put down a local rebellion, and had remained entrenched ever since. His sworn brother Han Sui ruled right next door.
Ma Teng looked at the official notice and narrowed his eyes. “Hey! Chao!”
“Mhm?” said his son.
“Time to go over some backstory,” he said. “I was part of Dong Cheng’s anti-Cao Cao secret society, the one with the secret orders from the Emperor. Liu Bei and I are the only survivors. Liu Bei has some territory now, and I’m thinking of giving it another go. This promotion from Cao Cao could throw a spanner into the works, though.”
“Openly defying Cao Cao is a bad idea,” said Chao. “You should at least show up at the capital. Maybe you’ll even get a chance to kill Cao Cao.”
“That’s a terrible idea,” said Ma Teng’s nephew Dai. “Cao Cao’s a cunning bastard. If you go, who knows what will happen?”
“Yeah!” said Chao, doing a 180. “Dad, can I have an army? I want to attack the capital!” His eyes glowed even brighter than usual, and turned a martial red.
“Let’s not be reckless,” said Ma Teng. “You stay here with Uncle Han, and hold the fort. We have an army, and the Qiangs are on our side. Cao Cao won’t attack us here, and I don’t think he’ll attack us while you’re so well-positioned either. I’ll take Dai and your little brothers with me.”
“Be careful, Dad,” said Chao. “Don’t go into the city until you’re sure he’s not trying to kill you.”
“I won’t,” promised Ma Teng. The party set out, and camped seven miles from the capital.
“They’re here?” said Cao Cao. “Okay. Huang Kui, go say hi to Ma Teng and tell him not to worry about redshirts. I’ll provide them all. Oh, and tell him to come see the Emperor.”
Huang Kui went to Ma Teng, who got him drunk.
“You know how my dad died?” slurred Huang Kui. “Li Jue and Guo Si killed him. That’s why I hate rebels. And right now we have the biggest rebel of all.”
“Who?” asked Ma Teng carefully.
“Cao Cao, duh,” said Huang Kui. “He’s the bad guy, haven’t you heard?”
“This could be a trap,” thought Ma Teng, so he shushed Huang Kui. “What if somebody heard you?”
“I don’ care!” wailed Huang Kui. “Don’t you remember the Girdle Edict?”
“Okay, okay,” said Ma Teng. “Quiet down. I want to kill Cao Cao too.”
“Then don’t go to the city,” said Huang Kui. “Cao Cao will kill you. Invite him to come look at your army, and then assassinate him instead.”
“Will he fall for that?” asked Ma Teng.
“Definitely,” said Huang Kui. He went home, extremely drunk and obviously up to something.
“What’s going on?” asked his wife, concerned.
“Nothing,” he said, fooling no one. His concubine, Li Chunxiang, saw all this and sneaked outside. She was cheating on Huang Kui with his wife’s brother, Miao Ze.
“Huang Kui’s up to no good,” she reported. “It seems like a conspiracy or something.”
“I think you can get it out of him,” said Miao Ze. “Just ask him, point blank: Who’s the hero, and who’s the villain?”
That night, the still-drunk Huang Kui staggered into her room. “Just one question, sweetie,” she said. “I’ve heard of Liu Bei and Cao Cao, but I’m still not sure which one’s the hero and which one’s the villain.”
“I know you’re just a woman, but shouldn’t that be obvious?” said Huang Sui. “Cao Cao’s the worst. I would kill him if I could.”
“You work for him,” pointed out Li Chunxiang. “You totally could assassinate him if you really tried.”
“I am really trying,” he huffed. “I’m plotting with Ma Teng to kill him when he inspects the troops tomorrow.”
“Neat,” said Li Chunxiang. As soon as Huang Kui was asleep, she went straight to Miao Ze, who went straight to Cao Cao.
That night, in the small hours, Huang Kui and his entire family were arrested quietly. In the morning, Ma Teng approached the city walls, none the wiser. He spotted Cao Cao’s personal billboard and waved.
And then one of the redshirts stepped on a landmine.
When the explosion died down, Ma Teng’s troops were surrounded. Xu Chu, Xiahou Yuan, Cao Hong, and Xu Huang attacked from all four sides. It was a short struggle. Ma Teng and his youngest son Xiu were captured, and the older son, Tie, was killed.
All the plotters were dragged before Cao Cao. “I did nothing!” cried Huang Kui, but Cao Cao shook his head. “I have a witness.” Out stepped Miao Ze.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” said Ma Teng disgustedly. “Why am I the only semi-competent conspirator in this book? Fine, kill me. Fuck you, Cao Cao.”
All three of them were executed immediately. Miao Ze tapped Cao Cao on the shoulder. “So, regarding rewards… all I want is to marry Li Chunxiang.”
Cao Cao grimaced. “Are you kidding me? You betrayed your own family, just so you could steal your brother-in-law’s woman? That’s sickening, even to me. Nope. Both of you are joining the other traitors.”
That done, Cao Cao turned to Ma Teng’s nervous redshirts. “I’m not holding you lot responsible for your commander’s conduct. You guys can go.”
Suddenly he whirled around. “Wait. Where’s Ma Dai?”
Everyone looked around frantically. “Shit. He must have slipped away in the confusion,” said Cao Cao. “Set up roadblocks in all the passes!”
Ma Dai had been leading the rearguard, and soon the scampering redshirts brought him the terrible news. He thought about fighting his way through the roadblocks like a crazy badass, then changed his mind. Instead, he turned his redshirts loose, disguised himself as a peddler, and slipped through the roadblocks easily.
“Okay, that’s taken care of,” said Cao Cao. “I’m not really worried about Ma Dai. Let’s go attack the South – wait, what did you just say?”
“Liu Bei’s getting ready to invade Yiazhou. You know, the West Riverlands,” repeated the messenger.
“Are you sure?” said Cao Cao. “He’s flip-flopped on that before.”
“Well, not 100%, but where else would he be attacking?”
“That’s not good,” said Cao Cao. “If he takes the Riverlands, he’ll have a really solid base to attack me from. Gentlemen? Ideas?”
“I have an idea!” someone called out.
Saxo Dramaticus 