Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang went out to greet Lu Su, who was carrying an oversized bundle of roses. “Sun Quan and Zhou Yu send their condolences.”
They thanked him politely and invited him in for dinner.
When the meal was underway, Lu Su coughed awkwardly. “So, about that promise you made…”
“No politics at the table, please,” scolded Liu Bei. Lu Su waited until dessert, then tried again.
“You guys did promise to give us this province as soon as Liu Qi died.”
Liu Bei ignored him, but Zhuge Liang turned bright red.
“Lu Su, you’re an idiot. Don’t you know Liu Bei’s a Liu? They have a right to rule China. Who’s your boss again? Just some guy who conquered a bunch of territory using skill and intelligence and other stuff people named Sun have no business using.”
Lu Su was taken aback, so Zhuge Liang just steamrollered on. “And didn’t you see how hard Liu Bei worked at the battle of Red Cliff? I know it looked like he didn’t do shit, but you wouldn’t have won without my magic wind. If I hadn’t done that, you’d all be dead and Cao Cao would have abducted the Qiao sisters. I’d have thought someone like you could have figured all that out for yourself, but it looks like you need it spelled out.”
Lu Su’s eyes were nearly out of his skull. “Wow. Just wow. I am going to be in so much trouble.”
“You?”
“Yeah, me,” said Lu Su. “I’ve been going to bat for you this whole time. Heck, I introduced you to my boss! And I witnessed that agreement. Now you’re just going to backstab us? It’ll be all my fault, and that’s the kind of thing people get executed for. Not that that matters to you, but without me defending all of your shenanigans, I guarantee Sun Quan is going to kick your ass.”
Zhuge Liang sighed. “I’m not scared of Zhou Yu. But if it matters that much to you, how’s this: we’ll stay in Jingzhou temporarily, till we can conquer somewhere else to use as a base. Heck, I’ll put that in writing.”
“Define ‘somewhere else,’” said Lu Su.
“Well, we’re not in a position to attack Cao Cao yet. But how about Yiazhou? It’s run by that Liu Zhang dumbass. When we take it, we’ll give Jingzhou back.”
“I don’t have a choice, do I?” said Lu Su. “Fine. Give it to me in writing.”
Liu Bei quickly wrote out a formal pledge, signed it, and sealed it with his personal seal. Zhuge Liang signed as witness, then handed the pen to Lu Su. “You too.”
“You’re really forcing me to stick my neck out for you, aren’t you?” said Lu Su. “Okay, that’s cool.” He signed his name as well, and got ready to leave.
“Make sure you explain this whole thing to your boss properly,” waned Zhuge Liang. “If he attacks us, Cao Cao will take advantage and destroy us both.”
Lu Su went straight to Chaisang Hospital to visit Zhou Yu.
“How did that go?” asked his friend.
“I got this document,” said Lu Su, and handed it over. Zhou Yu read it, then threw his teacup at the wall.
“This is such bullshit!” he burst out. “They’ll give it back when they take over Yiazhou? So when would that be? Ten years? Or they don’t do it? I can’t believe you put your name on this steaming pile of crap! What will Sun Quan think?”
Lu Su was shocked. “But Liu Bei’s the hero!” he stammered.
Zhou Yu facepalmed. “No. No he is not. And Zhuge Liang is worse. The problem is that you’re way too nice, so you imagine that everyone else is.”
“Shit,” said Lu Su. “So what should we do, then?”
“Don’t worry,” said Zhou Yu. “You’re one of my best friends, and I’m not going to let you take all the blame. I’ll think of something. Let’s see what the spy report says, and then we can make plans.”
A few days later, the head spy came in. “Jingzhou’s all in mourning on account of Lady Gan’s recent death,” he reported.
“Wait, she died?” said Lu Su incredulously. “I was literally just there and no one mentioned it.”
The spy shrugged. “Third century. Woman. At least she’s getting a mausoleum, the other one just ended up in a well.”
Zhou Yu snapped his fingers. “I have it!”
“You do?”
“Yup,” said Zhou Yu happily. “Liu Bei will want a new wife, won’t he? And the boss has a sister.”
“Sun Ren?” asked Lu Su, getting very quiet.
“Exactly!” grinned Zhou Yu. “She’s probably the biggest actual badass in this book! Not only could she wipe the floor with Liu Bei any day of the week, but any one of her hundreds of kung-fu ‘maids’ could do the same. We’ll arrange a marriage between her and Liu Bei, lure him to Nanxu, and then she captures his treacherous ass on the wedding night. And we don’t give him back until his employees give Jingzhou back.”
“That’s genius!” said Lu Su, and went to see Sun Quan at once.
“What is this crap?” said the Marquis, reading Liu Bei’s letter and frowning.
“Hang on,” said Lu Su, and handed him another letter from Zhou Yu.
Sun Quan read that one, and started laughing. “Yes! This is awesome! Hmmm, who should I send as a matchmaker?”
“I’ll go!” said Lu Su, but Sun Quan sighed and patted his hand. “No, babe. Someone else this time.”
A few days later, a rather depressed Liu Bei was talking to Zhuge Liang when the doorman came in. “There’s a Lu Fan to see you, sir! From the South.”
“This must be one of Zhou Yu’s schemes,” said Zhuge Liang. “Just agree to whatever he says, and we’ll talk about it tonight. I’ll be hiding in the closet.”
Lu Fan came in, and Liu Bei greeted him very politely.
“I’m very sorry to hear about your terrible loss,” said Lu Fan. “So, are you thinking about dating again?”
“Too soon,” said Liu Bei. “My last remaining wife’s been dead for only, like, a week!”
“Yeah, but you must be lonely,” said Lu Fan. “And anyway, this is politics. You’re single, Sun Quan has a sister. If you two are solid allies, Cao Cao won’t even think about attacking. There’s just one thing – the girl’s mom insists on hosting the wedding. You know how mother-of-the-brides are.”
“Did Sun Quan send you?” asked Liu Bei.
“Yeah, of course. What the fuck? Do you think I’m just randomly proposing on his sister’s behalf?”
“Look, I’m fifty,” said Liu Bei. “I’ve got about three decades on her!”
“Sun Ren isn’t only interested in looks,” said Lu Fan. “She might be just a girl, but she’s smarter than many men.”
“I get the obligatory third-century sexism, but is that really relevant?”
“Yeah, because it means she’s more interested in heroes than hot guys. She doesn’t care about the age gap.”
“Hmmmm,” said Liu Bei. “I’ll think about it. Stay the night, and I’ll give you the answer once I’ve slept on it.”
When Lu Fan was asleep, Liu Bei went to Zhuge Liang. “What do you think?”
“I’ve been doing some fortune-telling,” said Zhuge Liang. “Omens are good. You should do it.”
“Are you sure?” said Liu Bei doubtfully. “I know Zhou Yu wants to kill me.”
“I’m smarter than Zhou Yu,” said Zhuge Liang. “Don’t worry. Send Sun Qian over to talk terms – and make sure he sticks with Lu Fan instead of just teleporting in randomly, okay? It’s important. This way, we’ll have Sun Quan’s own sister as a hostage, and then they’ll never dare invade us.”
The next day, Sun Qian went back with Lu Fan, and soon he was getting introduced to Sun Quan.
“No, this is definitely not a trick,” said Sun Quan. “In fact, it would be great if Liu Bei could come live here with my sister. We wouldn’t murder him or anything.”
“Cool,” said Sun Qian. He disappeared in the blink of an eye, and reappeared in front of Liu Bei. “He really seems to want this marriage.”
“I’m still scared about this,” said Liu Bei.
“Don’t even worry about it,” said Zhuge Liang. “Take Zhao Yun as your bodyguard. And I have three secret plans.” He handed Zhao Yun three envelopes labeled Confidential, and whispered some instructions in his ear. Zhao Yun put them in his breast pocket.
A few days later, a rather nervous Liu Bei set sail to Nanxu with his escort, leaving Zhuge Liang in charge. As soon as they landed, Zhao Yun opened the first envelope.
“Okay, redshirts!” he said. “You’re all going shopping!” He handed out various shopping lists, and then turned to Liu Bei. “Boss, you’re going to pay a visit.”
“To my new in-laws?”
“Nope. To State Patriarch Qiao, you know, the Qiao sisters’ dad.”
“Huh?” said Liu Bei. “That’s random, but I’ll trust Zhuge Liang on this.”
“Bring wine.”
“Yeah, of course. That’s manners.”
“And some sheep,” added Zhao Yun.
“Sheep?”
“That’s what Zhuge Liang says,” said Zhao Yun. showing him the paper.
“Huh. It’s hard to know when he’s trolling, but I’ll do it.”
Liu Bei headed to State Patriarch Qiao’s house, with a jar of wine and several sheep. “I’m here for my wedding!” he announced. “Nice to meet you!”
“Nice to meet you too,” said State Patriarch Qiao politely. One of the sheep baaaaaed. “Uh, Lu Fan, can you take this guy to the guest house?”
State Patriarch Qiao headed right to see Lady Wu, Sun Quan’s Aunt Stepmom and Sun Ren’s biological mom. On the way, he passed some of Liu Bei’s redshirts. All of them were dressed to the nines, and were buying food and party decorations. The whole town was gossiping about the wedding.
“Congratulations on your daughter’s wedding!” said the State Patriarch, when he saw the old lady.
“My daughter’s what now?”
“Your daughter’s marriage to Liu Bei! The guy just brought me some sheep. Everybody knows about it.”
“Everybody except me,” said Lady Wu. She got up and motioned to her servants. “Investigate this! And where the hell is Sun Quan?”
Sun Quan was MIA, but the servants got back quickly. “Liu Bei’s in town for the wedding, and his redshirts are all busy with party planning!”
“Hmmmm,” said the old lady ominously. “Did you find Sun Quan?”
“He’s with Liu Bei in the guest house.”
“Tell him to get his ass over here,” said Lady Wu ominously.
When Sun Quan arrived, he found his Aunt Stepmom in tears.
“What did I do?” he asked nervously.
“What did you do? You ignored your mom’s dying wish! That’s what you did!”
Sun Quan started to tremble, but he had to say something. “Uh, how?”
“You arranged your sister’s wedding without consulting me, her mom! That’s how!” snapped his Aunt Stepmom.
Sun Quan peed himself a little. “Uh, who told you?”
“What do you mean, who told you? The whole city’s talking about it! Stop weaseling.”
“Yeah!” agreed State Patriarch Qiao. “I heard about it ages ago!”
“You are dead,” growled Lady Wu.
“There isn’t any wedding!” pleaded Sun Quan. “It’s just Zhou Yu’s plot to capture Liu Bei!”
“Oh, is that so?” said Lady Wu. “Well, fuck Zhou Yu! Who does he think he is, using my daughter as a pawn in his political games? This plot would ruin her life! Who would ever want to marry her when the word got out?”
“What she said,” said the State Patriarch. “Not only that, but you’d look absolutely terrible.”
Sun Quan spent the next ten minutes cowering while his Aunt Stepmom paced around the room, screaming at him and inventing new cuss words to use on Zhou Yu, Lu Su, and everybody else involved. Eventually, State Patriarch Qiao stepped in.
“How about this,” he said. “Just go through with the wedding. Liu Bei’s a Liu, after all. It’s not a bad match.”
“He’s thirty years older than her,” said Sun Quan. The State Patriarch shrugged. “Still. He’s the hero. And he brought me sheep. Could be much worse.”
“All right, tell you what,” said Lady Wu, calming down a little. “We’ll all go to the temple tomorrow, and I’ll see him for myself. If I like him, the wedding is happening. If not, then do what you want.”
Sun Quan agreed hastily and slunk out. He went straight to Lu Fan. “We’re busted.”
“Okay, how’s this,” said Lu Fan. “We’ll hide Jia Hua and five hundred redshirts in the temple, and if your Aunt Stepmom doesn’t like him, they can jump out and stab him.”
“I like it,” said Sun Quan, and gave the orders.
That night, the State Patriarch passed the temple invitation on to Liu Bei. “And Lady Wu will be there,” he added. “Impress her. I cannot emphasize this enough.”
Liu Bei talked it over with Zhao Yun. “Yeah, it’s probably an ambush,” said the general. “But we’ll be right there.”
The next day, most of Sun Quan’s court was waiting at the Temple of Mountain Dew. Lu Fan went to pick up Liu Bei, who was wearing armour under his clothes. Sun Quan met him at the door awkwardly, and then introduced him to Lady Wu.
Lady Wu peered at him over her glasses, taking in everything from the eyestalks to the shoulder-length earlobes to the orangutan arms.
“Hmmm. Yes, he is pretty hot.”
“Indeed he is,” agreed State Patriarch Qiao. “And famous, too. Or infamous. Whatever. Everybody’s heard of him, that’s what matters.”
They all sat down for a meal, and soon Zhao Yun came in to stand behind Liu Bei.
“And who’s this nice boy?” said Lady Wu, who was now in an excellent mood.
“This is Zhao Yun.”
“The one who saved the little baby in Chapter 41?”
“Yeah, that was him,” said Liu Bei uncomfortably.
“How lovely! Give him a drink.”
Zhao Yun sipped, but he whispered to Liu Bei out of the corner of his mouth. “This building’s full of assassins. Talk to your mother-in-law!”
Liu Bei immediately bowed to Lady Wu. “Ma’am, if you want to kill me, please do it fast.”
“Kill you?”
“Well, there are assassins everywhere?”
“What!” Lady Wu glared at Sun Quan. “Assassins? After that lecture I gave you yesterday? You’ve got some balls!”
“Uh, it was all Lu Fan’s idea,” tried Sun Quan.
“Lu Fan? What do you have to say for yourself?”
Liu Fan pointed a trembling finger at Jia Hua. Jia Hua looked around, but there was nowhere to pass the buck.
“Is that so?” said Lady Wu. “Executioners!”
“No, no!” cried Liu Bei. “This wedding’s awkward enough as it is, without people getting killed!”
“He’s right,” chimed in State Patriarch Qiao, and Lady Wu gave in. “Fine. Everybody I’m mad at, get out of here.”
Everyone scattered.
Liu Bei went for a walk in the temple garden, where he saw a huge boulder. He looked up to Heaven and said a prayer. “I really need an omen right now. If I’m going to live, let me cut this stone in half. If I’m going to die, then let my sword break instead.” He took a swing at the rock. Sparks flew, and it cracked down the middle.
He breathed a sigh of relief, but Sun Quan had spotted him.
“Hey, bro-in-law! What did that rock ever do to you? This is supposed to be a Zen garden, you know. That was the least Zen thing I ever saw.”
“It was an omen,” said Liu Bei. “I asked Heaven to let me split the rock if I’m going to defeat Cao Cao.”
Sun Quan rolled his eyes. “Okay, then. I’ll try that too.” He looked to Heaven, but instead of what he’d said, he prayed “If I’m going to get Jingzhou back, let me cut this stone.”
The stone split into four pieces. Some say you can still see it, outside the Temple of Mountain Dew.
Soon it was time for dinner. Liu Bei started to drink, but Sun Qian gave him the eye and he stopped. “Sorry, I can’t hold my liquor.”
“I’ll walk you home,” said Sun Quan. They went outside, and stopped to admire the beautiful landscape. The wind was blowing quite strongly, but the tiny fishing boats kept sailing down the river as if it was calm.
“It’s true, what they say,” sighed Liu Bei. “Northerners are good horsemen, southerners are good sailors.”
“Oh, are you saying I can’t ride?” said Sun Quan. He jumped on his horse and started galloping around in circles.
“I can do that too!” Liu Bei pulled up his skirts, leapt onto his own horse, and started chasing Sun Quan around. Soon, they both started giggling. Flourishing their whips, they reached the top of the crest and skidded to a halt.
Liu Bei looked over at Sun Quan. “My dick is bigger.”
“Okay, Sun Qian,” said the very hungover Liu Bei the next morning. “When should we actually do this wedding thing?”
“ASAP,” said Sun Qian. “You want to end up like Lu Bu?”
Liu Bei went to see State Patriarch Qiao immediately. “There are a lot of people around here who want to kill me,” he said bluntly.
“I’ll talk to the Dowager Marchioness,” said the State Patriarch, and called her immediately.
“People want to kill my son-in-law?” said Lady Wu, frowning the frown that made everyone quake. “He can stay at my place. The library has plenty of couches. I’ll even let him bring his redshirts in. But no sheep in the library!”
Liu Bei thanked her timidly. Soon, the day of the wedding arrived, and the couple met for the first time and exchanged vows. Before long, the reception was over, and Liu Bei and his new wife headed into the master bedroom.
“Wait a minute,” said Liu Bei. “Why are there weapons everywhere? Hey, is that maid carrying a sword? Fuck…”
Saxo Dramaticus 
“Wait a minute,” said Liu Bei. “Why are there weapons everywhere? Hey, is that maid carrying a sword? Fuck…”
Best realization line ever!
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