Chapter 8. In which Diao Chan plays Lu Bu and Dong Zhuo like fiddles.

“Dude, listen to yourself,” said Liu Biao. “Steal Changsha from a bunch of kids? We won, they’re leaving. Plus, they have Huang Zu. I’m one of maybe three guys in this book who isn’t a massive douchebag. Why would I start being evil right now?”

So they did the prisoner exchange, and Sun Ce headed home. He was quite a good ruler, but since he was just seventeen Dong Zhuo dismissed him.

What was Dong Zhuo doing all this time? Pretty much the usual tyrant stuff: promoting his relatives, feasting, robbing, torturing people at banquets, copying the Emperor’s snazzy wardrobe, etc. One day, he was in the middle of a banquet with his terrified officials when Lu Bu came in and whispered to them. “Aha!” he said, and promptly executed one of the guests. The rest excused themselves when he started waving the severed head around.

One of them, Minister of the Interior Wang Yun, headed home and took a walk in the garden to clear his head. Suddenly, he spotted his beautiful foster-daughter Diao Chan sighing in the moonlit gazebo. Being a concerned father, he immediately yelled at her and asked what the hell her problem was.

“I’m just worried for you since you seemed so troubled lately!” she cried, and that shameless piece of emotional manipulation gave Wang Yun an idea.

“Come inside,” he said. “Now, do you want to save the Han empire?”

“Who, me?” she gulped, not really expecting that.

“Yes, you. Listen, Dong Zhuo is a jerk, everyone knows that. With Lu Bu on his side, everybody is scared of him, and Lu Bu knows what a good thing he’s got going. Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll promise you in marriage to both of them separately, and you turn them against each other.”

“So you want me to cheat on two terrifying warlords with each other and let them find out in the hopes of starting a fight?”

“Pretty much.”

“Well, no pressure there,” said Diao Chan. “But I love you, Dad, and since no one else around here seems to have the balls to stop them, I’ll do it. At least Lu Bu is kind of hot.”

“Good girl!” said Wang Yun, and to show he meant it he bowed – she might be a mere girl, but she had more balls than him, the other officials, or any of the generals.

Wang Yun knew exactly how to bait Lu Bu. He simply sent him some very nice bling and invited him to dinner. When Lu Bu showed up, the minister laid on the flattery, got him drunk, and said “Hey, do you want to meet my super-hot daughter?”

“Definitely,” said Lu Bu. Diao Chan came in, all smiles. A few winks at Lu Bu, and he was madly in love.

“Have a drink with us,” said Wang Yun. “Hey General, how about I send you my daughter as a concubine?”

Diao Chan blew him a kiss.

“Wow, are you serious?” said Lu Bu. “I am 100% cool with that.”

“Awesome,” said Wang Yun. “We’ll wait until a lucky day and send her over. I wouldn’t mind if you spent the night here, nudge nudge, wink wink, but we don’t want to make your dad upset, do we?”

Lu Bu agreed and departed happily despite the blue balls.

A couple days later, Wang Yun invited Dong Zhuo for dinner. He knew this man just as, well and served all the best, most exotic food. Add a little of the trademark flattery, a falsified astrology report hinting at emperor changes, and plenty of wine – and the result was one Dong Zhuo in a great mood.

Choosing his moment, Wang Yun brought out Diao Chan and put her through her singing and dancing paces. Dong Zhuo was just as enchanted as Lu Bu.

“How old are you, beautiful?” he slurred.

“Twenty-one, Mr. Prime Minister.”

“Wow, you’re legal!”

Diaochan blushed and nodded.

“Hey, do you want her as a present?” Wang Yun asked.

“I would love her!” answered Dong Zhuo.

“She’d love you too,” winked Wang Yun.

Diao Chan rolled her eyes. “I’m right here,” she said. “And I’m totally in love with you and stuff, Mr. Prime Minister.”

They all headed to Dong Zhuo’s palace, and Wang Yun gave his daughter away. “It’s all up to you now,” he whispered.

“Don’t worry, Dad,” she answered. “I got this.”

Unluckily, on his way home Wang Yun ran into Lu Bu.

“What’s this I hear?” yelled Lu Bu. “You promised your daughter to me! Why are you bringing her to my dad?”

“Dude, he’s your dad,” answered Wang Yun. “He’s looking out for you. When he heard about the wedding, he came to see his new daughter-in-law. Since he’s such a nice guy, he said he’d give the bride away himself and took her home.”

“Oooooh. That makes so much sense,” said Lu Bu.

The next day he went round to his dad’s place and asked the maids what was up. One of them shrugged. “He’s still asleep.” She wrinkled her nose. “Spent the whole night in bed with the new girl.”

“What!” said Lu Bu, and headed round to the back to peek through his dad’s bedroom window to see who he was sleeping with. Diao Chan, who had made it through the night without vomiting, was now looking out the window. She instantly spotted the suspiciously bling-covered hat sticking out of the bushes, and promptly started sighing and wiping tears.

Lu Bu ground his teeth, That morning, he was scheduled to have breakfast with his dad.m and he stomped in scowling.

“Whatup, Son?” asked Dong Zhuo.

“Nothing,” said Lu Bu, who was watching Diao Chan sticking her head round the corner and winking.

“You weren’t being a Peeping Tom last night, were you?”

“Definitely not.”

“Who are you looking at?”

“Nobody.”

“Well if you’re just going to be a wet blanket you can go home,” said Dong Zhuo, and Lu Bu went home and sulked.

Soon afterwards, Dong Zhuo had a slight cold and Diao Chan appointed herself nurse, which cemented her place in his heart. She spent the whole month gratifying the Prime Minister’s every whim, and didn’t even change her undies, since apparently he was into that. One day, while Dong Zhuo was asleep, Lu Bu looked in and saw Diao Chan, who did her crying thing.

Dong Zhuo woke up. “Stop creeping on my girlfriend!” he shouted, and kicked Lu Bu out.

“You’re an idiot,” said Li Ru. “You need that guy, don’t pick petty fights.”

“That’s true,” said Dong Zhuo, and sent Lu Bu some bling and an apology letter.

When Dong Zhuo got better, he went to have a meeting with the Emperor. While he was gone, Lu Bu figured that, since you don’t really stand up the Emperor, that was a perfect chance. He rode to Dong Zhuo’s place with his halberd and met Diao Chan in the garden.

“I’m in love with you,” she sobbed. “But Dong Zhuo abducted me, and there’s no way you’d ever want his leftovers. I’m going to kill myself!” She turned around and tried to jump into the pond.

“No!” shouted Lu Bu, and grabbed her. “I’m not that kind of guy! I know you love me!”

“Then save me from that monster,” she said.

“Uh, he’s both my dad and the Prime Minister,” he said. “I’ll have to think about it.”

Diao Chan turned on the waterworks again. “I’d heard you were the bravest hero in the world! Looks like I was wrong.”

“I will! I will!” he said, and the makeout session commenced.

Of course, Dong Zhuo walked in at that moment. He’d spotted Lu Bu’s very unique horse outside, and maybe he wasn’t the smartest guy, but he could put two and two together.

“Oh shit,” said the bravest hero on earth, and ran for it. Dong Zhuo grabbed the halberd and threw it at the fleeing Lu Bu, missed, picked it up again, and gave chase. Just as he ran through the door, he ran smack-dab into someone and both fell in a heap.

Previous                                                                                                                         Next