“Come at me, bro,” said Yuan Shao. Dong Zhuo was about to, but Li Ru whispered: “Geez, Dad. Not at the table. We’ve talked about this.” Since a fight wasn’t happening, Yuan Shao walked out and skipped town, starting a long trend of anticlimactic chapter-ending cliffhangers.
The Yuans were an old aristocratic family, so in a move that would in no way bite him in the ass, Dong Zhuo decided to pardon him.
With no one left who dared to say a word, Dong Zhuo deposed the Emperor in favour of his little brother and put him under house arrest along with his mother. Obviously, the new Emperor, being eight, had precisely zero control over the Dong in the living room.
Dong Zhuo tried to get some good PR by hiring Cai Yong (the one who knew all about transgender chickens), but since he did it under offer-you-can’t-refuse terms, it didn’t really work.
With nothing else to do, the ex-emperor started writing some mildly emo poetry, and Dong Zhuo used that as an excuse to murder him, his mother, and his wife. Surprisingly, the capital was full of emo poetry fans and that was even worse PR. He quickly followed up with massacring peasants and stealing their stuff, prompting a general named Wu Fu to try and stab him. Unfortunately, it was winter and he didn’t take Dong Zhuo’s huge parka into account, so that was a bust.
At that point, Yuan Shao wrote a letter to Minister of the Interior Wang Yun, saying:
Why should Dong Zhuo just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Emperor Xie is just as cute as Dong Zhuo, right? Emperor Xie is just as smart as Dong Zhuo, people totally like Emperor Xie just as much as they like Dong Zhuo, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that’s not what the Han Empire is about! Well it is, but only when that’s the real emperor! We should totally just STAB DONG ZHUO!
Wang Yun agreed with the sentiment, but if a badass general like Wu Fu couldn’t pull it off, what could he do? Still, he wanted to do something, so he invited his friends to a birthday party.
When they brought out the cake, instead of blowing out the candles he burst into tears.
“Oh, come on,” said his buddies. “You’re not that old.”
“It’s not that,” he sobbed. “It isn’t even my birthday. I’m crying because Dong Zhuo is such a jerk.”
The guests all looked at each other and burst into tears as well.
Cao Cao was also there, and laughed his ass off. “Oh my god, you guys,” he said. “Stop crying and do something. He’s just one guy, we can kill him easily. Also, put out the cake, because it’s on fire at this point.”
“But it’s haaaard,” said Wang Yun.
Cao Cao rolled his eyes. “You have a nice sword covered with jewels, right? If you aren’t going to use it, lend it to me. I’ve been sucking up to Dong Zhuo, and he trusts me.”
“Why does it need to be my pimped-out sword? Can’t you use a regular sword?”
Cao Cao shook his head. “Needs to be a really nice sword, or my Plan B isn’t going to work out.”
“Fine,” said Wang Yun, and gave Cao Cao his fancy sword. Cao Cao hid it behind his back cartoon-style, and somehow managed to get through the patdowns before he entered the palace.
Dong Zhuo was just sitting on a couch, but Lu Bu was looming behind him. That was a minor setback.
“You’re late,” said Dong Zhuo.
“What can I say?” sighed Cao Cao. “My horse sucks.”
Dong Zhuo was in a good mood. “Hey, Son!” he said to Lu Bu. “Be a good boy, go get the man another horse.” Lu Bu grunted and left.
Dong Zhuo yawned. He was really fat, and sitting up was pretty tiring. “I’ll just have a nap while we’re waiting for him to come back.” To make things more dramatic, he turned his back to Cao Cao.
“Wow,” thought Cao Cao. “This is way too easy.” He sneaked up behind Dong Zhuo and raised the sword to stab him.
Suddenly, Dong Zhuo opened his eyes and saw Cao Cao’s reflection in the convenient mirror by the couch.
“What the hell?” he shouted, just as Lu Bu walked in. Being a bit of a meathead, Lu Bu had taken his dad’s order literally and was leading a horse into Dong Zhuo’s living room.
Cao Cao thought fast and bowed. “See this cool sword? I brought it as a present for you. Sorry, I, uh, forgot the sheath.”
Dong Zhuo looked at it. It was a really nice sword. “Thanks,” he said, looking admiringly at the seven jewels and very… sharp… blade.
“Wow, that’s a nice horse. Thanks a lot,” said Cao Cao. He jumped on the horse and commenced his Plan B.
“You know,” said Lu Bu, watching Cao Cao disappear off into the distance, “That was suspicious as hell.”
“Yeah, it kind of was,” said Dong Zhuo. “Let’s ask the smart guy.”
Li Ru facepalmed. “Way to let him get away, guys. Look, he lives in town. See if he went home, and if he didn’t then he’s definitely guilty.” Of course, Cao Cao was nowhere to be found, and Dong Zhuo’s minions went around putting up the wanted posters.
Cao Cao didn’t make it far before he was picked up by some small-town cops. The police chief congratulated them and personally brought Cao Cao into the interrogation room.
“Why did you try to kill Dong Zhuo after he was so nice to you?” asked the police chief, whose name was Chen Gong.
Cao Cao snorted. “Underlings like you can’t understand the grand designs of great minds like mine,” he said. Shockingly, his balls impressed Chen Gong.
“I know Dong Zhuo’s a jerk,” he said. “Being police chief in a small town like this isn’t the greatest job. Are you planning a revolution or something?”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” answered Cao Cao.
“Well then, when do we start?” grinned Chen Gong.
Cut to Cao Cao and Chen Gong sneaking away in the middle of the night. After three days on the run, Cao Cao realized he was near his uncle’s farm. “Let’s go hide out with him,” he suggested.
“Glad to see, you, Nephew! How are your seizures?” cried Lu Boshe, the uncle. “Also, why are there wanted posters with your face on them everywhere? Your dad’s gone into hiding.”
Cao Cao told the whole story, and Lu Boshe tsked sympathetically. “You can stay the night,” he said. “I’ll just go get some groceries, I’ll be back soon.”
Cao Cao and Chen Gong were chilling on the couch watching TV when they heard someone sharpening a knife in the back. “That doesn’t sound good,” said Cao Cao, and they were sneaking out the back door when they heard someone say “Tie him up before you kill him!”
“That’s really, really not good,” said Chen Gong, and they pulled out their swords and went through the house murdering everyone in sight.
When they got to the kitchen, they found a pig literally hog-tied on the floor, next to a newly sharpened butcher knife. They stared at each other. “We’ve made a horrible mistake.”
They jumped on their horses and made a break for it, but ran into uncle Lu on the driveway. “Hey kids!” he greeted them. “Help me with my grocery bags, will you?”
“Uh, look behind you!” shouted Cao Cao.
When his uncle turned around, Cao Cao chopped his head off.
“What the hell?” shouted Chen Gong. “The family thing was a legitimate misunderstanding, but that was cold-blooded murder!”
“Look,” said Cao Cao. “Maybe he wasn’t going to turn us in before, but he definitely would after we murdered his whole family. Hang on, I feel an iconic, character-defining quote coming on.”
He coughed.
“Better I betray the world than the world betray me!” he proclaimed, and looked out the corner of his eye to see if Chen Gong was suitably impressed.
“This guy is actually pretty evil,” thought Chen Gong, and that night when Cao Cao was asleep he ditched him.
Saxo Dramaticus 