Guan Yu and Zhang Fei sat Liu Bei down. “Listen,” began Guan Yu. “I understand that you’re really into this guy, but you’ve tried twice already. He’s signalling that he’s not interested, loud and clear. This obsession of yours is really unhealthy.”
“I’m pretty sure playing hard to get is standard for reclusive geniuses,” said Liu Bei.
“Look, if you really want him that badly I’ll tie him up and bring him to you as a present,” offered Zhang Fei.
“That’s kind of disturbing,” said Liu Bei. “Look, I’ll go ask him one more time, and you should probably stay at home if you’re going to say things like that.”
“No, take me along. I’ll be good,” pleaded Zhang Fei. So the three brothers rode back to Zhuge Liang’s cottage. They parked their horses a little ways away and approached on foot to be extra polite, and ran into Jun outside.
“Hey, is your brother at home?” asked Liu Bei.
“Yup, he just got back yesterday!” said Jun, and strutted off into the distance.
“Wow, he can’t even introduce us?” said Zhang Fei crossly.
“He just wants us to have privacy, no doubt,” said Liu Bei, and rang the doorbell. The same teenager opened it again.
“Tell your boss Liu Bei is here!” Liu Bei burst out eagerly.
“He’s having a nap,” yawned the boy.
“Okay, don’t wake him up,” said Liu Bei. “You guys wait out here.” He tiptoed into the house, where he spotted Zhuge Liang lying on the couch in a state of undress.
Liu Bei stood in the doorway and watched him sleep for a couple of hours. Eventually, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei got tired of waiting and joined him.
“He’s sleeping? Who does he think he is?” hissed Zhang Fei. “How about I go to the backyard and set off a bomb? That’ll wake him up!”
“Zhang Fei, you really need to calm your tits,” snapped Guan Yu, and Liu Bei facepalmed. “Why do you even have a bomb with you? No, don’t answer that. Both of you. Out. Now.”
Zhuge Liang’s snoring paused, and he turned over. “Should I wake him up?” whispered the teenager, but Liu Bei shook his head, his eyes never leaving Zhuge Liang. Another hour passed. Liu Bei didn’t move.
Finally, Zhuge Liang yawned and stretched. “Wow, I have this weird feeling that today is a turning point in my life!” he announced. “Hey, kid, do I have any missed calls?”
“Liu Bei’s here,” said the boy. “He’s been on hold for hours.”
“Shit, why didn’t you wake me up?” said Zhuge Liang. “I’d better put some clothes on.”
He disappeared into the next room, and came out a few minutes later fully clothed in a turban and white robe. This was Liu Bei’s first glimpse of his face, and he was just as handsome as Liu Bei had expected.
Liu Bei held out his hand for a handshake. “I’m related to the Emperor!” he announced. “But I’m not arrogant about it or anything. I’m your biggest fan. Did you get my letter?”
“Yes! I’m so sorry I missed you last time!”
The two of them sat down for a cup of tea. “So if I understood your letter correctly, you want to take over the world,” said Zhuge Liang. “That sounds interesting. If I had more experience, I’d ask for a job.”
“Water-Mirror and Xu Shu both recommended you,” said Liu Bei. “I really want you to come work for me.”
“But I’m just a hermit, blah blah blah,” said Zhuge Liang.
“But I’ve heard so many good things about you! Look, so far my taking-over-the-world attempts have just resulted in me getting my ass kicked. You’re my last hope.”
“Okay,” said Zhuge Liang. “So what’s your plan?”
Liu Bei edged closer to him. “My plan pretty much begins and ends with ‘take over the world.’ I was hoping you’d help with the details.”
Zhuge Liang sighed. “Well, okay. Look, Cao Cao’s not just militarily strong, he’s smart. You can’t possibly take him on yet. And the Suns might not be as strong on paper, but they’re popular with the commoners and are really good diplomats. You can’t shake them either, but maybe make an alliance or something. What you have to do is take over Jingzhou – you’re basically there already. Next step, Yiazhou. Liu Zhang runs it, but he’s an idiot.”
He sat down. “I need a Risk board. Kid, bring out the Risk, okay?”
The teenager spread out the Risk board in front of him, and Zhuge Liang began gesticulating. “Cao Cao has the north right now, and Sun Quan has the south. Just let them have it for now, and wait for your opportunity.”
“Wow, you are smart,” said Liu Bei. “But Liu Biao and Liu Zhang are fellow Lius. It wouldn’t be very nice to steal their kingdoms.”
“Well, I’m really good at astrology, and I know Liu Biao is going to die soon,” said Zhuge Liang. “And Liu Zhang is an idiot, so he’ll probably come to a bad end without you lifting a finger. Just relax, you’ll get both kingdoms soon enough. It’s a perk of being the hero.”
Liu Bei nodded, impressed. “Huh, so that’s why it’s called Three Kingdoms. So are you going to help me with this taking over the world thing?”
“I dunno,” said Zhuge Liang. “I kind of like the simple farm life.”
“But what will become of the country if I don’t take over?” cried Liu Bei, and burst into tears so cartoonishly that his clothes became soaked.
“Okay, okay,” said Zhuge Liang. “I’ll take the job.”
“Great!” beamed Liu Bei. “Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, come on in!” His brothers burst in carrying gift baskets for Zhuge Liang.
“I couldn’t possibly…” began Zhuge Liang, but Liu Bei shook his head. “It’s not your salary, it’s just gifts to show how much I appreciate you.”
“You don’t have to make it sound shady,” grumbled Zhuge Liang. “Fine, I’ll take them. You guys can stay the night.”
The next day, Jun came back, and Zhuge Liang handed him the house keys. “Take care of the house and the farm, okay? When we’re done taking over the world, I’ll definitely be back.”
Zhuge Liang went back to Xinye with them and hopped right into Liu Bei’s bed. The two of them talked politics day and night.
“So Cao Cao is building an artificial lake for naval training, so he probably wants to invade the south,” said Zhuge Liang. “What are the spy reports like?”
“Huh?”
“Wait, you do have spies, don’t you?”
“No….” said Liu Bei, and Zhuge Liang pinched the bridge of his nose. “You need to dispatch some spies, stat.”
All this time, Sun Quan had been conducting interviews, and he’d gathered an impressive staff. Things were going quite well in the Southlands, until they got the message from Cao Cao.
Please send your son to serve the Emperor, and totally not as a hostage.
“This again?” said Sun Quan. “How about no. Mom, Zhou Yu, Zhang Zhao, what do you think?”
“We don’t want to piss off Cao Cao,” said Zhang Zhao dubiously, but Zhou Yu snorted. “Cao Cao? He can go fuck himself. Does he actually think we’ll be sending the boss’ son as a hostage so he can have leverage over us? Let him attack. We’ll give him an ass kicking he’ll never forget.”
“What he said,” nodded Lady Wu approvingly.
“Okay, so we’re all agreed,” said Sun Quan, and turned to the messenger. “Beat it.” Cao Cao was indeed pissed off, but he had been too busy over the last few chapters to do anything about it.
Since he had nothing better to do, Sun Quan started fighting his neighbour, Huang Zu. His general Ling Cao was shot and killed by a certain Gan Ning, and Ling Cao’s fifteen-year-old son Tong was able to recover the body but not much else. Sun Quan and his generals all agreed that that sucked, and shortly afterwards they gave up and went home, whereupon they heard some interesting gossip.
Sun Quan’s little brother Yi was the Governor of Dangyang, but he was an alcoholic and a terrible boss, as in beating-up-his-employees terrible. Eventually, his men Gui Lan and Dai Yuan decided to off him. Since they were far too clever to do in themselves, they persuaded his guard Bian Hong to stab the boss at a dinner party.
Yi’s wife Lady Xu happened to be psychic. “Honey, I have a bad feeling about this dinner party,” she said that afternoon. Sun Yi only rolled his eyes. “You and your bad feelings,” he said, which were his famous last words.
Gui Lan and Dai Yuan promptly grabbed Bian Hong. “Traitor!” they shouted, and killed him before he could squeal. They went straight to the Governor’s house and stole everything that wasn’t nailed down. Then Lady Xu caught Gui Lan’s eye.
“Hey, I avenged your husband, didn’t I?” he said, silverware clanking to the ground. “I’m a hero! Now you have to marry me.”
“Thanks but no thanks,” she said, disgustedly.
“Did I say you have a choice?”
“Okay, fine,” she said. “I’ll marry you. But let me have a month to mourn my husband.”
“Deal,” said Gui Lan happily. “See how generous I am?” He skipped away, and Lady Xu promptly phoned two of her husband’s loyal generals. Sun Gao and Fu Ying headed over immediately.
“I don’t buy any of this ‘Bian Hong was a lone wolf’ story,” she said. “Those two guys are guilty as hell. Plus, Gui Lan is creepy as fuck. I’ve bought us some time. Call my brother-in-law and get stabbing.”
“Damn right we will,” said Sun Gao and Fu Ying. They sent a message to Sun Quan, and then hid behind the curtains in Lady Xu’s bedroom.
Lady Xu then texted: ‘Come over 😉 XOXO’ to Gui Lan, who came running and salivating. “Let’s have a few drinks and take this to the bedroom,” she winked, and Gui Lan enthusiastically agreed. When he finally staggered into the bedroom, he ran straight into Sun Gao and Fu Ying’s swords.
“One down, one to go,” said Lady Xu, and immediately started sending suggestive messages to Dai Yuan as well. It wasn’t long before he joined Gui Lan.
“Awesome,” said Lady Xu. “Great job, guys. Mind slaughtering these men’s entire families? I have some stuff to do.” While Sun Gao and Fu Ying enthusiastically complied, Lady Xu beheaded the corpses and offered the heads as sacrifices to her late husband.
“That was badass!” said Sun Quan, when he heard the story. “I’m going to keep her around. What do you think, Mom? Mom?”
“I think I’m dying,” said the Dowager Marchioness weakly.
“Fuck.”
Lady Wu was helped to her bed, but she only got weaker. Soon, everyone realized she was dying, and she called Zhang Zhao and Zhou Yu to her side.
“I just realized that we forgot to include my backstory,” she said. “To make it short, I’m from Wu originally but my brother Jing and I moved to Yue, where I met Sun Jian. I had four kids, and dreamed good omens when I was pregnant with Ce and Quan. Guess that’s why they’re my favourites. Anyway, serve my son well.” She turned to Sun Quan.
“Son, you know how your father married both me and my sister, so your stepmother is also your aunt and it’s really awkward?”
“Of course I know,” said Sun Quan. “I’ve lived with you guys my entire life.”
“Shhh, son. It’s exposition,” she explained. “Now, I don’t want any drama after I’m gone, okay? Treat your Aunt Stepmom as if she were me.”
“Anything for you, Mom,” said Sun Quan, with tears in his eyes.
“Good boy,” she said. “And find your sister a husband.”
“Will do.”
“Make sure he’s hot!”
“Moooom!”
“It’s my dying wish!”
“Okay, okay,” said Sun Quan. “I’ll do it.”
“You’re a good son,” smiled Lady Wu, and passed away.
Sun Quan mourned for a whole year, and the next year thought about attacking Huang Zu again.
“We’re still mourning,” said Zhang Zhao.
“Yeah, but we need to avenge Ling Cao,” said Zhou Yu. They were still arguing when Lu Meng, one of the generals, came in. “Hey remember that guy Gan Ning?”
“Yeah?”
“He came to me and offered to surrender. I did a full background check. He’s a pirate, but would you believe it – he can read. He was living the bandit life for a while, and he’s got some serious style. Wears a belt of bells so everyone can hear him coming, and has beautiful silk sails on his pirate ship.”
“Cool,” said Sun Quan. “Is he serious about surrendering?”
“Yeah, he’s wanted to go legit for a while now. He tried Liu Biao, but that was boring. He wanted to quit, but Huang Zu was his regional manager. The jerk wouldn’t let him leave, and not only that, he kept sabotaging him. Even though Gan Ning was basically the only one who held us off, Huang Zu wouldn’t promote him because – would you believe this – he’s prejudiced against pirates?”
“What a jerk!”
“Yeah, I know, right? Such a bigot. Anyway, one of Huang Zu’s other employees Su Fei liked him and tried to get him promoted, but he couldn’t. Eventually he managed to get Gan Ning moved to another office near us, so he came straight to me.”
“To you?”
“Yeah,” said Lu Meng. “He would have gone to you, but he was worried you’d be mad because he killed Ling Cao. I told him you were a nice guy and wouldn’t hold it against him, but he’s still nervous.”
“Of course I’m not mad,” said Sun Quan. “He was just doing his job. Show him in.”
Gan Ning shuffled through the door. “Nice to meet you,” said Sun Quan politely.
“Ahoy, Cap’n.”
“You’ve captured my heart,” said Sun Quan. “Er, not like that. Anyway, I’m not mad at all, and I bet you know all of Huang Zu’s weaknesses.”
“I be lookin’ at th’ big picture,” said Gan Ning. “The empire be crumblin’, and that scurvy villain Cao Cao’s gonna be rulin’ the land unless we fight him. That lily-livered Liu Biao ain’t about to stand up to him. Ye should ‘ave at Cao Cao afore he attacks ye. Aye, that bilge-rat Huang Zu needs t’ die, but th’ old shark-bait’s no trouble ‘tall. When ye kill him, ye’ll have Ba and Shu in the palm of yer hand, and ye’ll be ready t’ face Cao Cao.”
“Wow, you aren’t just a dumb pirate at all!” said Sun Quan. “I’ll get on it right away.”
Zhou Yu was put in charge of the army, with Lu Meng as Van Leader and Gan Ning and Dong Xi as generals. Sun Quan personally led a hundred thousand redshirts.
Huang Zu’s spies brought the news of the attack right away, and he prepared his defense. Su Fei was Admiral and Chen Jiu and Deng Long were Van Leaders. Chen Jiu and Deng Long were on the front lines, commanding two hundred warships which were lashed together to form a barricade across the river. Since cannons hadn’t been invented yet, the boats were outfitted with massive, heavy crossbows.
Sun Quan’s forces ran right into the line of fire and faltered, but Gan Ning leapt up. “Forward ho, me hearties!” He organized small, light boats full of marines, which darted in between the warships and cut the connecting ropes until they were completely out of formation. Gan Ning jumped onto an enemy ship and personally stabbed Deng Long. Chen Jiu made for the shore and tried to run, but Lu Meng zipped through the boats on a jet ski, burning the warships as he went. He soon caught up with Chen Jiu and skewered him.
By the time Su Fei showed up with reinforcements, it was far too late. He was captured, and Sun Quan’s forces had won a firm foothold.
“Boss, what do we do with this guy?” said the soldiers, dragging Su Fei in front of Sun Quan.
“I dunno,” said Sun Quan. “Let’s keep him in a cage till we capture his boss, then I guess we’ll kill them both.”
Saxo Dramaticus 