Chapter 36. In which Cao Cao gets beaned by an old lady.

Cao Ren marched out with most of his army, and in Xinye, San Fu smirked. “If he’s attacking us with the whole army, that means he just left a skeleton crew at Fankou! We can attack him when he has his pants down.”

“How will we get there, though?” asked Liu Bei, and San Fu whispered mysteriously in his ear. Just then, a messenger ran in hyperventilating. “Cao Ren is attacking!”

“Yep, told ya,” said San Fu. “So Liu Bei, you’ve got to lead out an army against him. In person.”

“Do I have to?” asked Liu Bei, but San Fu nodded emphatically. Soon, the two armies were facing each other, and Zhao Yun rode out and challenged Li Dian to single combat.

That went about as well for Li Dian as one would expect, and being the cautious type, he booked it after ten rounds. Zhao Yun tried to chase him down, but a hail of arrows stopped him. Both sides made faces at each other and hunkered down for the night.

“Yep, told you it wouldn’t be easy,” said Li Dian, wiping his brow. “We should get back to base and wait for reinforcements.”

“We barely fought at all!” said Cao Ren angrily. “Just you, and you were abysmal out there. I think you were bribed to throw that fight!”

“I did not!” protested Li Dian. “He was just scary! The boss runs away all the time!”

“Shut up!” said Cao Ren. “You should be executed!”

“For real?” said all the other nameless officers in unison. “Everybody loses sometimes. Don’t be such a dick about it.”

“Fine, fine,” said Cao Ren. “Li Dian, you’re on boring rearguard duty. The rest of us are attacking, and I am leading the charge personally!”

The next day, Cao Ren marched out again. He had all his redshirts march in complicated formations, and was so proud of it that he sent a taunting message to Liu Bei. “Recognize this pattern?”

San Fu rolled his eyes. “I recognize it. It’s the Eight Gates. See the gaps? They’re named Birth, Exit, Expanse, Wound, Fear, Annihilation, Obstacle, and Death. Just take a guess which ones are bad and which ones are good. You have to break in at Birth, Exit, or Expanse. If you break in at Wound, Fear, or Annihilation, you might escape but you’ll lose a lot of redshirts. If you pick Obstacle or Death, you’re dead.”

“Wait, shouldn’t ‘Obstacle’ mean you lose redshirts, and ‘Annihilation’ mean you’re dead?” asked Liu Bei.

“That’s what makes it so clever,” said San Fu. “Anyway, Cao Ren’s formation is nice and all, but his centre is weak. We have to make a lightning strike, entering at the southeast and exiting from the west.”

“Wow, I’ve never actually made plans before. You’re really smart!” said Liu Bei. Zhao Yun buckled up his saddle, and there was a nice montage of elite cavalry preparing for a death-or-glory charge. They followed San Fu’s playbook exactly, and soon Cao Ren’s pretty formation was running around like headless chickens. Then Liu Bei charged with the main army, and Cao Ren hastily beat a tactical retreat.

“You were right, Li Dian,” said Cao Ren disgustedly. “Looks like Liu Bei found someone with half a brain.”

“Yup,” said Li Dian. “We have to be careful. They’ll attack Fankou next.”

Cao Ren rolled his eyes. “You’re always worrying about the base. It’ll be fine. Here, we’ll make a night raid tonight, and if that doesn’t work we’ll go back to Fankou.”

“It won’t work,” said Li Dian.

“Why am I even talking to you!” snapped Cao Ren. “We won’t win if you’re so negative all the time!”

“Oh, right, blame me,” grumbled Li Dian, and he stomped back to the rearguard while Cao Ren prepared for the night raid in a much worse mood.

Meanwhile, Liu Bei was just talking with San Fu when there was a random tornado.

“That’s an omen,” said San Fu calmly. “It means we’ll get attacked tonight. I definitely know that from omens, and not because 80% of beaten armies in this book try the night raid thing.”

“Should we be concerned about the tornado?”

“Nah, it’s just an omen tornado.”

“Okay,” said Liu Bei. “So what should we do?”

“I have top secret plans,” said San Fu, and started whispering again.

That night, Cao Ren and his raiding party charged up to Liu Bei’s camp, then screeched to a halt.

Cao Ren stared. “The hell?”

“It’s already on fire,” said a lieutenant helpfully.

“Yeah, I can see that,” said Cao Ren. The palisade was smoking, and the buildings were on fire. Liu Bei’s entire camp was burning to the ground.

“That is really fucking weird,” said Cao Ren. “I don’t like it. No, we’re going home.”

The army turned around, only to see Zhao Yun right behind them. “Charge!” he roared, and the raiding party gave up and ran for the river.

“Crap! The boats are on the other side!” While they waited for the ferries, Zhang Fei swooped in and attacked. Cao Ren made a desperate stand, and just when all seemed lost he heard a voice behind him.

“Get in the boat!”

He turned around, and made awkward eye contact with Li Dian, who was pulling up behind him in a little rowboat. Cao Ren jumped in, and they rowed away with only a few surviving redshirts.

“So, where to?” asked Li Dian.

“You were right all along,” said Cao Ren, looking at his feet. “We’re going back to Fankou.”

They docked the boat and made for the gate. “Let us in!” shouted Cao Ren, but Guan Yu stuck his head over the wall and blew a raspberry. “Nyah, nyah!”

“Oh shit. Oh shit,” said Cao Ren, and simply turned and ran. Guan Yu and his troops charged out and attacked. Soon, Cao Ren was scampering back to Xuchang with only a handful of redshirts and an aggravatingly forgiving Li Dian.

On the way back, Cao Ren pointed at a random peasant. “You there! Who’s Liu Bei’s smartass new employee?”

“Why the hell would I know?” said the peasant. “Anyway, his name’s San Fu.”

Liu Bei took his triumphant army to Fankou, where Mayor Liu Mi welcomed him. “Liu power!” cheered Liu Mi. “You’re staying at my place.”

When they got inside, Liu Bei noticed a good-looking teenager hanging around in Liu Mi’s house. “Who’s that?”

“He’s my nephew, Kou Feng,” said Liu Mi. “He’s an orphan, and I’m taking care of him.”

“He’s cute, can I keep him?” asked Liu Bei, and Liu Mi was A-OK with that.

“Boss, you can’t go around adopting random extra sons!” said Guan Yu.

“You literally just did that, back in Chapter 28,” pointed out Liu Bei.

“Yeah, but you’re the leader here. Didn’t you see what happened with the Yuans, and how the Liu boys are staring daggers at each other? You want a succession crisis? This is how you get a succession crisis. One kid is enough.”

“Meh,” said Liu Bei, and Guan Yu facepalmed. After partying for a while, they left Zhao Yun and a thousand redshirts at Fankou, and went back to Xinye.

Back at Xuchang, Cao Ren flung himself at Cao Cao’s feet. “I fucked up,” he sobbed.

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. “It happens. Don’t be such a drama queen. Did you find out who Liu Bei’s new smart guy is?”

“Some guy called San Fu.”

“Who the hell is that?”

“Wait, did you say San Fu?” said Cheng Yu. “I know that guy’s backstory! San Fu is an alias. His real name is Xu Shu. When he was young, he was a hitman, until he finally managed to kill someone. The cops came after him, so he disguised himself by undoing his hair and putting mud on his face. It… wasn’t a very good disguise. He got caught right away, but luckily no one could pick him out of the police line-up. His friends broke him out of jail, and he made a fake identity and ran off.”

“Sounds like a real treasure,” snorted Cao Cao.

“No, this is one of those inspirational stories. He turned over a new leaf, went back to school, and ended up doing a PhD with Sima Hui.”

“Huh,” said Cao Cao. “On a scale of one to ten, how smart is he?”

“If I’m a one, he’s a ten,” answered Cheng Yu.

Cao Cao whistled. “If he works for our rival, that could be dangerous. Any ideas for poaching him?”

“Sure, it’s easy,” said Cheng Yu. “His mom, Lady Xun, lives here. He’s her only surviving family. If she asks him to come get a job here, where he’ll be closer to her, he’ll do it for sure.”

“Great idea!” said Cao Cao, and he invited Lady Xun over and turned on the charm. After a while, he said, “I hear your son is really great. Shame he’s working for that loser Liu Bei. If you wrote to him and got him to come here, I could get him a great job from the Emperor.”

He waved his hand, and four secretaries came in carrying a fully-equipped writing desk, which they plonked down in front of Lady Xun.

“Wait, who’s Liu Bei?” asked Lady Xun, pretending to be confused.

“Some guy,” shrugged Cao Cao. “His name’s Liu, so he goes around pretending to be related to the Emperor. Pretends to be all goody two-shoes, but he’s shady as hell and is only grasping for power.”

“Liar!” said Lady Xun. “Everyone knows he’s The Hero™, and you’re the villain! Fuck off with your ‘I work for the Emperor’ bullshit. Is your name Liu? No? Then you have no right to take power. Lius can’t be rebels by definition. My son’s working for the right guy!”

She picked up the paperweight and threw it at Cao Cao’s head.

“You bitch!” yelled Cao Cao, rubbing a rapidly swelling lump. “Where are the executioners!”

“Boss, no!” cried Cheng Yu. “If you execute her, do you think Xu Shu will ever come work for you? Just be nice to her and give her a pension. I have another plan.”

So Cao Cao put Lady Xun in a gilded cage instead, and the next day Cheng Yu came to visit. “I swore brotherhood with your son a while back,” he lied. “So I feel responsible for you. How is your health? Let me know if you need anything.” Cheng Yu kept it up, visiting the old lady every day and sending her gifts. Being old-fashioned, she dutifully sent him nice thank-you notes, and soon he had a large sampling of her handwriting.

“I’m also a gifted forger,” announced Cheng Yu. He got out some scissors and paste, and began snipping up her letters.

Soon, a mailman arrived in Xinye. “Message from your mom!” he announced, and Xu Shu tore it open.

Xu Shu burst into tears and went straight to Liu Bei. “I haven’t been quite honest with you,” he said, and explained his whole backstory. “But now my mom’s in trouble,” he finished, and showed Liu Bei the letter. “I can’t let her die. I’m resigning.”

Liu Bei began moaning loudly when he heard that.

“Okay dude, please stop,” said the startled Xu Shu. “That’s really weird.”

Liu Bei calmed down. “I understand. You can’t let your mom die. I’ll accept your resignation.”

“I’ll go pack,” said Xu Shu, wiping his eyes.

“At least spend one more night with me,” begged Liu Bei.

“All right, one last night,” sighed Xu Shu, and went off to gather his things. As soon as he left the room, Sun Qian flickered, then materialized in front of Liu Bei.

“Boss, he knows so much classified information!” said Sun Qian. “You can’t let him go. Stall or something. If Cao Cao executes his mother, he’ll stay with us for sure and help him get revenge.”

“I can’t,” said Liu Bei. “That would be evil.”

“I know, but-”

“We’re the good guys. We have to be better than that.”

Both of them sighed dejectedly.

“We should have a goodbye party for you,” said Liu Bei, but Xu Shu shook his head. “I can’t eat. I’m too sad and worried about my mom. Even if you offered me food made of gold or jewels, I couldn’t eat.”

“Duh, of course you couldn’t,” said Liu Bei. “Here’s a better one: I’m so sad, I couldn’t eat dragon or phoenix meat. Those things are actually edible.”

The two of them cried all night, and the next morning Liu Bei saw his ex-employee off. “One for the road?” he suggested.

“I don’t see why not,” said Xu Shu, and they did a few shots. “Here’s to you,” toasted Liu Bei. “Best of luck with your new job.”

“I doubt it,” said Xu Shu. “Unhappily I have to break our intercourse in the middle-”

“Dude, phrasing.”

“Freudian slip, sorry,” said Xu Shu. “Anyway, I’ll be the worst employee Cao Cao ever hired. I won’t do anything. I’ll steal paper towels, waste printer ink, microwave fish, everything. He’ll regret making me work for him.”

“I’m dead without you, though,” said Liu Bei. “Maybe I’ll go off and do the bandit thing for a while.”

“That’s stupid,” said Xu Shu. “Find some other genius to help you. And this whole emo thing is really annoying.”

“But there’s no one better than you,” said Liu Bei.

“Sure, keep making me feel worse. Guys? Pick up my slack. Be the best employees ever, not like me.” He rode off, and Liu Bei kept following.

“Seriously, let me leave already,” said Xu Shu. “Rip the band-aid off.” He and Liu Bei shook hands in tears, and he rode off into the sunset as Liu Bei looked after him sobbing.

Finally, Xu Shu disappeared behind a tree. “I should cut down all the trees, for hiding Xu Shu from me,” yelled Liu Bei, and his employees exchanged exasperated glances.

Just then, Xu Shu came heading back.

“Did he change his mind?” said Liu Bei, and ran forward.

“I forgot one thing!” said Xu Shu. “I know the perfect guy to replace me! He lives right outside Xiangyang.”

“Tell him to come right in for an interview!” said Liu Bei eagerly.

“He’s too much of a genius to visit people. You have to go see him yourself,” said Xu Shu. “Trust me, he’s a lot smarter than I am. He boasts all the time, but he’s even better than he says he is.”

“What’s his name?”

“Zhuge Liang,” said Xu Shu, and paused for dramatic effect. “His late uncle was an old friend of Liu Biao’s, so they live nearby. He and his little brother Jun have a farm in Nanyang, and they write a lot of folk songs. His nom de plume is Sleeping-Dragon.”

“Sleeping-Dragon? I’m looking for him!” said Liu Bei. “Him and Blooming-Phoenix.”

“Blooming-Phoenix is a guy named Pang Tong, but he won’t appear till Chapter 47. Focus on Zhuge Liang.”

“Finally, some answers!” said Liu Bei delightedly. “I’m so glad I met you!” More cheerful now, he said goodbye to Xu Shu for real and headed home. When he arrived, he started putting a gift basket together and went off to find Zhuge Liang.

Xu Shu was riding along when he suddenly slapped his forehead. “D’oh! I was supposed to keep Zhuge Liang’s address a secret! What if he doesn’t want a job?” He rode off to Zhuge Liang’s house ahead of Liu Bei.

“So, buddy, I have a bit of a long story…” he said, and confessed everything. “If you could replace me and help Liu Bei take over the world, that would be great,” he finished.

“Seriously? You just volunteered me? You could have asked me about it first, you jerk,” said Zhuge Liang, and started flapping his sleeves at Xu Shu. “Shoo! Shoo, Xu Shu! Shoo!”

“Very funny,” said Xu Shu, and he slunk shamefacedly off to the capital.

 

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