One of the impromptu archaeologists turned over a spadeful of dirt, and in it was a bronze statue of a bird.
“Huh,” said Cao Cao. “Must be an omen.”
“Good omen,” nodded Little Xun enthusiastically.
“Nothing more specific?”
“I’m not finding much,” said Little Xun, googling. “Hang on, I’ll try ‘bird AND omen’… closest hit I’m getting is that King Shun’s mother dreamed about a bird before he was born.”
“Well, close enough,” said Cao Cao. “And we just won. How about I build a nice tower here for my retirement?”
“Hey Dad, I have a better idea,” said his son Cao Zhi. “Why don’t you build three towers, and connect them with bridges? That would look sick!”
“Great idea!” said Cao Cao. “Say, you’re a nerd, son. Poetry, architecture, same thing. Why don’t you stay here to supervise the building? Pi can help you.”
Cao Cao went home, handed out some titles and got Guo Jia some posthumous ones, then started thinking about Liu Bei again.
“We just got back,” pointed out Little Xun. “You should let the army rest.”
“I guess that’s fair,” said Cao Cao.
Rewind to a few months earlier, chez Liu Biao. The Lius got a report that Zhang Wu and Chen Sun were going around stealing, committing various war crimes, and generally being rebel scum.
“I’ve just been mooching off you for the last three chapters,” said Liu Bei. “I feel bad. At least let me take care of a little errand like that for you.”
“Sure!” said Liu Biao. Liu Bei set out the next day with thirty thousand redshirts, and soon he was looking over the enemy.
“That Zhang Wu guy has a really nice horse!” whispered Liu Bei, who always had his priorities straight.
“I’ll get him for you!” said Zhao Yun. He rode over, stabbed Zhang Wu, grabbed the horse, and started back.
“Die!” shouted Chen Sun, charging, but Zhang Fei oneshotted him without even looking. The party rode home in triumph.
“Great job, cousin!” said Liu Biao. “I can really rely on you! How do you feel about guarding the borders?”
“Totally,” said Liu Bei. “How about I station my badass brothers and Zhao Yun around the country? Then we’ll be really safe.”
“Awesome!” said Liu Biao, and in the background Cai Mao facepalmed. He went straight to talk to his sister, who cornered her husband at dinner.
“We need to talk. About Liu Bei.”
“Do we have to?”
“Yes. You’re letting him put his loyalists in command of all the key positions in the country. And in case you haven’t noticed, he’s super backstabby.”
“But he’s such a nice guy,” said Liu Biao.
Lady Cai snorted. “Tell that to Lu Bu, Cao Cao, Yuan Shao, and all his other ex-bosses.”
“I’ll think about it, okay, honey?” sighed Liu Biao. He went off to pay Liu Bei a visit, then stopped. “Nice ride.”
“You like it?” said Liu Bai. He tossed Liu Biao the bridle.
“Wow, thanks!” said Liu Biao, and rode it home. One of his employees, Kuai Yue, saw him pulling into the driveway and rushed over.
“Where did you get that horse?”
“From Liu Bei,” said Liu Biao. “Isn’t it a beauty? Drives really well, and just listen to it!”
“Whoa there, boss,” said Kuai Yue. “Look, it’s got teardrop marks under its eyes. That’s Omens 101. This horse is cursed.”
“Hmmmmmm,” said Liu Biao. When he ran into Liu Bei at another party, he said, “Hey, cousin! I’ve been thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, that horse is great, but you do a lot more travelling than I do. You’ll get better use out of it. Take it back.”
“Thanks,” shrugged Liu Bei.
“Plus, I feel like you’re getting bored in this town. Why don’t you move to Xinye?”
“You’re the boss, coz,” said Liu Bei, and set out the next day. Someone flagged him down just as he was getting onto the highway.
“Your lights are off!” puffed the man. “Plus, that horse is cursed.”
“Cursed?” said Liu Bei. “It’s not like we live in a universe where omens are oddly specific and always accurate. Superstitious nonsense.”
“I guess you’re right,” said the man. “My name’s Yi Ji.”
“Nice to meet you,” said Liu Bei. “We should keep in touch.” He continued on to Xinye.
That year, the Lius learned the joyful news that Lady Gan was pregnant. She went into labour at the speed of narrative.
While they were all waiting nervously for the gender reveal, a crane landed on the roof and started squawking loudly. It kept going until it hit forty squawks, annoying the fuck out of everyone. When it finally stopped, the baby started crying.
Liu Bei came excitedly into his wife’s room to see the new baby, but found it full of smoke. He coughed. “Honey, what is this?”
“It’s, uh, miraculous incense,” said Lady Gan, her eyes half-closed. “Say, Uncle, I dreamed I literally swallowed the stars. I ate the Great Bear.”
“That sounds like good omens!” said Liu Bei. “Is this Shang?” He picked the baby up.
“Don’t drop him,” warned Lady Gan, flickering her eyes open. “Say, have you ever really looked at your hands….”
Not long afterwards, they heard that Cao Cao had gone off north sidequesting. “We should attack the capital!” said Liu Bei excitedly, but Liu Biao shook his head. “We have a good life here. Why go looking for trouble?”
“Real heroes are ruthlessly ambitious,” argued Liu Bei.
“And where has that gotten you?” said Liu Biao. “Look forget all this conquering stuff. Come inside, have a drink.”
A few cups in, Liu Biao started sniffling. “What’s the matter?” said Liu Bei, concerned, but Liu Biao shook his head. “It’s hard to talk about.”
“You can tell me everything-” started Liu Bei, but just then Lady Cai walked in, took one look at Liu Bei, crossed her arms and walked grandly into the closet. Liu Biao looked nervous and shut up.
A few days after that awkward moment, Liu Biao invited Liu Bei back.
“My wife’s out,” he explained. “I’m getting worried about Cao Cao. I wish I’d listened to you earlier.”
“Why couldn’t you say that in front of your wife?” said Liu Bei. “I think there’s more to it than that.”
“Yeah, there is,” said Liu Biao, and sighed. “Usual succession crisis stuff. My oldest, Qi, is a great kid, but he’s a dumbass. His mom was Lady Chen. But then Lady Cai had another kid, Zong. He’s a lot smarter, and his mom is pushing for me to make him successor. Plus the Cais are powerful. He would be perfect except for primogeniture. This is really tough.”
“That’s not tough at all,” said Liu Bei. “Who cares how adorable and smart Zong is? If you pass over Qi, next thing you know your ‘good’ kids will be murdering each other. Name Qi successor. He’ll be easy to manipulate – er, he’ll do great. Then gradually get rid of all your in-laws.”
In the closet, Lady Cai raised her eyebrows.
In the room, there was an awkward silence.
“Uh, I gotta pee,” said Liu Bei, and took a timeout. Unfortunately, the bathroom had a full-length mirror.
“Wow,” he said to himself, staring at the mirror. “I look really fat.” He looked more closely at his love handles and burst into tears.
“Why are your eyes red?” asked Liu Biao, when he came back in.
“Because I’m so fat!” sobbed Liu Bei. “I used to be a badass warrior, sorta. Now I’m just sitting around getting bored.” He downed several shots in quick succession.
Liu Biao felt sorry for him. “Don’t cry!” he said. “Didn’t Cao Cao say you were a true hero, the only man he fears?”
Liu Bei looked up from his glass and grinned. “That’s true!” he hiccupped. “If only I had a foothold. Some territory to call my own.”
Liu Biao stared. Even he was getting suspicious. “Liu Bei, go home. You are drunk.”
Vaguely sensing that he’d put his foot in his mouth, Liu Bei staggered out. Liu Biao turned around and saw Lady Cai.
“Yeah, I was in the closet just now,” she said. “You heard him. Now do you believe he’ll backstab you?”
Liu Biao wavered. “I dunno…”
Lady Cai put her hands to her temples. “How naive can you get?” She stormed off to find her brother.
“Okay, I am done with that guy,” said Cai Mao. He grabbed some redshirts and went straight to the guesthouse where Liu Bei was staying.
Liu Bei was nursing a pounding head when there was a knock at the door. “It’s me,” said Yi Ji. “Cai Mao wants to kill you!”
“What! How do I manage to make all these enemies?” said Liu Bei. “No fair!”
“Yeah, you make a lot of friends too,” said Yi Ji. “Look at me, you turned down my advice once and now here I am sticking my neck out for you just because you’re the hero. Stop whining and run!”
“But I have to say goodbye to Liu Biao-”
“Run,” said Yi Ji, and pushed him out the door. Liu Bei made it out in the nick of time, and when Cai Mao and his goons broke in, they found the place empty.
“Okay, plan B,” said Cai Mao, pulling out a can of spraypaint. He got to work vandalizing the walls.
The next morning, he went to his brother-in-law. “Liu Bei just up and left, really suspiciously!” he said. “And he left graffiti all over the guesthouse!”
“Really? I just got it painted!” said Liu Biao. He ran to the guesthouse and looked at the living room in shock. On the walls, it said in bright red paint:
Liu Biao, you’re boring and lame! But you can’t keep me down! I’m off to wreck some shit!
“That jerk!” said Liu Biao. He pulled out his sword angrily, then paused.
“Wait a minute!” he said. “Can Liu Bei even write? I’ve never seen him write. Something’s fishy here.”
Liu Biao turned around and started scraping off the graffiti with his sword. Then he looked at his now-blunt sword. “Awww, crap.” He put the sword away and went home to phone up some renovations companies.
“So are we going to kill him?” said Cai Mao. Liu Biao put his thumb over the speaker. “I’m busy, ok? There isn’t any rush.”
“He’s plotting a coup!”
“Shhh!” said Liu Biao. “Yes, hello…”
Cai Mao went off to find his sister. “Any more ideas?”
“Is he still being stubborn?” sighed Lady Cai. “Okay, let’s kill Liu Bei at Thanksgiving dinner.”
“Good idea,” agreed Cai Mao. “It’s not like it would make family Thanksgiving dinner any more awkward.” He went back to Liu Biao. “Hey, how about having Thanksgiving dinner at Xiangyang this year?”
“That sounds great, but I’m, uh, sick,” said Liu Biao, wincing. “Are you inviting your parents? Yes, definitely sick. Can’t make it. Qi and Zong can host.”
“They’re young,” said Cai Mao. “They can’t carve a turkey to save their lives.”
“Then get Liu Bei to do it,” said Liu Biao. “He’s a relative, isn’t he? His name is Liu, anyway. Yeah, he can host this year.”
Liu Bei got the message and grimaced. “Anybody know a good excuse?” he asked his employees.
“Look, no one likes family Thanksgiving dinner,” said Sun Qian. “But you have to do it.”
“No, seriously. Things are really awkward right now.”
“Okay boss, fess up,” said Sun Qian. “What did you do?”
Busted, Liu Bei told the whole story.
“Okay, that’s a little awkward,” said Guan Yu. “But has Liu Biao tried to kill you? No. You barely even know this Yi Ji guy. How do you know he was telling the truth? If you skip Thanksgiving dinner, that’ll look really suspicious.”
“Haven’t you read any of this book so far?” Zhang Fei burst out. “Banquets are bad news. Find some excuse to back out of it.”
Zhao Yun slammed his hand on the table. “How’s this: Boss goes, and I go with him. Let’s see them try any funny business with me as his bodyguard!”
Everybody agreed that that was the best plan. Liu Bei, Zhao Yun, and some redshirts all rode off to Xiangyang, and Cai Mao answered the door. “Great to see you!” he said. “Come on in!”
Liu Bei felt a little better, and he felt better still when Qi and Zong showed up. “Dad’s sick, and definitely not avoiding Grandma,” Qi explained. “Can you greet the guests?”
“Sure!” beamed Liu Bei. Zhao Yun kept a sharp eye out as he shook hands with all the guests.
Meanwhile, Cai Mao was plotting with Kuai Yue. “Liu Bei might be the ‘hero’, but he’s a massive jerk,” he said. “We need to off him.”
“But he’s inexplicably popular,” frowned Kuai Yue. “Won’t we look bad?”
“I have secret orders from my brother-in-law,” fibbed Cai Mao.
“Then why didn’t you say so?” beamed Kuai Yue.
“My brothers are blockading the city already,” said Cai Mao. “He is on the east, Zong is in the north, Xun is in the south. The river’s blocking the west side.”
“What about Zhao Yun? He’s scary, and never leaves Liu Bei’s side.”
“I got an ambush of five hundred redshirts,” said Cao Mao.
“Redshirts? Not good enough, trust me. Get Wen Ping and Wang Wei to set up a sidetable for military officers, to distract him,” said Kuai Yue.
“Awesome!” said Cai Mao. “I’ll get my bow and arrow and surround the place.”
“What do I do?” asked Kuai Yue.
“Nothing.”
“Then why were you talking to me about this?”
“Exposition.”
Liu Bei parked his cursed horse in the back, and everybody got ready to eat. Zhao Yun hovered over Liu Bei, his hand on his sword.
“Hey, Zhao Yun!” said Wen Ping and Wang Wei. “The officers have a party in the next room!”
“I’m busy,” growled Zhao Yun.
“Buddy, just go enjoy yourself,” said Liu Bei. “I can take care of myself.”
Zhao Yun hesitated, but Liu Bei insisted. As they argued, Cai Mao’s men surrounded the house.
“Fine,” said Zhao Yun. “Thanks, boss.” He went over to the officers’ party.
A few minutes later, Yi Ji came up to Liu Bei and handed him a beer. “Chug! Chug! Chug!” he said loudly, then whispered, “Backyard. Now.”
Liu Bei slipped out and met Yi Ji by the barbecue. “Cai Mao’s trying to kill you again!” said Yi Ji. “And the other Cais are blocking the roads. Run!”
“Fuck!” said Liu Bei. He jumped on his cursed horse, crashed through the hedge, and made a break for it, sending the security guards scattering.
Before long, Cai Mao was in hot pursuit with five hundred redshirts. Liu Bei had made for the river since the roads were blocked, but when he reached the banks he realized that he’d never manage to wade through it. Over his shoulder, he saw the dust cloud as his enemies approached.
“I’ll have to swim for it,” he decided, and urged his horse into the water. It took a few steps into the torrent, then floundered and almost lost its footing.
“Seriously?” said Liu Bei. “Now? At the worst possible time for you to start acting cursed?” He took out his whip and started applying percussive maintenance to the poor horse. Shockingly, that worked. The cursed horse reared up and jumped out of the river and onto the other bank, on its hind legs like a kangaroo.
Liu Bei breathed a sigh of relief and turned around. Cai Mao was on the opposite bank, shaking his fist.
“Why did you leave the party early?” yelled Cai Mao.
“Why did you try to kill me?” answered Liu Bei.
“Who, me?” said Cai Mao. “I’m hurt that you’d ever believe gossip like that!” As he spoke, he put an arrow to his bow. Liu Bei took off down the path.
“Definitely magic,” said Cai Mao, looking after him in disgust. “That’s cheating.”
Saxo Dramaticus 