Yuan Shang rode proudly out to face Cao Cao’s troops, got a taste of Zhang Liao, and ran whimpering back with his tail between his legs.
“You lost?” cried Yuan Shao, who promptly vomited more blood and passed out. Lady Liu hustled her husband to bed, but everyone soon realized that he was dying. “Shen Pei, Peng Ji, come witness his will!” she shouted, but by the time they got in he was too weak to speak or write.
“Should Shang succeed you? Blink once for yes, twice for no,” said Lady Liu. Yuan Shao blinked once, then died in a pool of bloody vomit.
“Did you get that down?” said Lady Liu, and Shen Pei nodded.
“Okay, that’s the important thing,” said Lady Liu. “You got a sword?” She found a sword and stalked off to her husband’s harem.
Shang walked in a few minutes later to find the harem floor swimming with more blood. “Dad, you can’t seriously be vomiting in here- oh. Oh.”
Lady Liu turned around dramatically and smiled her creepiest smile.
Shang stared at all the dead concubines. “Mom… I get it, but did you really have to give them Joker faces and bad haircuts?”
“Why so serious?” laughed Lady Liu. “I don’t want any of them hooking up with your dad in the afterlife.”
Shang winced. “Okay Mom, but some of them have- had powerful families.”
Lady Liu shrugged. “Meh.”
“But Mooooooom,” said Shang. “Now I have to kill all of them!”
“Then hurry up and kill them!” said Lady Liu. “There’s a good boy.” She patted his head, tried to wipe the blood off with her sleeve, then gave up when that made it worse.
“Whatever you say, Mom,” sighed Shang. He rounded up some guards and got to work on the late concubines’ families.
Meanwhile, Tan was on the front when he heard that his dad was dead.
“Shit,” he said. “Guo Tu, Xin Ping, what should I do?”
“You head home,” said Guo Tu. “If you don’t move fast, your little brother will be the new boss.”
“But the war-”
“Screw the war,” said Guo Tu.
“Wait a minute,” said Xin Ping. “Shang’s had time to prepare. If you just waltz in, you’re just asking to be assassinated.”
“So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place?”
Guo Tu rolled his eyes. “You have a whole army. March it up to the capital and camp outside. I’ll do the talking.”
Cut to Guo Tu swaggering into the capital and greeting the new boss.
“Where’s my brother?” said Shang.
“He’s, uh, sick,” said Guo Tu.
“Whatever,” said Shang. “Tell him to go attack Cao Cao, right away. I will definitely back him up as soon as I can, and it’s definitely not a suicide mission.”
“Well, if he’s going to attack he needs advisors,” said Guo Tu. “Can he borrow Shen Pei and Peng Ji? He definitely isn’t going to kill them.”
“I need them for all the plotting I do,” said Shang, then bit his tongue.
“How many guys do you need for plotting?” said Guo Tu. “Can we have one of them, at least?”
“Uh, okay,” said Shang. “You guys, play rock-paper-scissors.”
Peng Ji lost. “That means you get to go, right?”
“I’m staying here,” glared Shen Pei. Guo Tu grabbed Peng Ji’s arm and dragged him back to camp.
“Wait, you aren’t sick?” said Peng Ji, when he was ushered into Tan’s office. “I quit!”
“Executioner!” shouted Tan, but Guo Tu shook his head. “Boss, we told you not to pick a fight with your brother. Killing his employee would definitely be picking a fight.”
Tan grumbled and went off to fight Cao Cao, only to get his ass kicked in seconds. He sent a message to Shang, saying “You said you’d back me up, right?”
“Well, you did, and if you did nothing it would look terrible and maybe piss off Xi and your cousin,” said Shen Pei. “So you need to do the bare minimum. Send five thousand redshirts.”
It may or may not have been part of Shen Pei’s plan, but the five thousand redshirts ran into Li Dian and Yue Jin on the way and got cut to pieces.
“This is all your fault!” Tan yelled at Peng Ji.
“How the hell is that my fault?” said Peng Ji. “I’ll write to my boss and ask him for help.”
“Yeah, no,” said Shen Pei, when the letter arrived. “That’s what a suicide mission is all about. If we need to throw Peng Ji under the bus, whatever.”
Peng Ji’s head was on a spike very soon. Of course, that didn’t solve any of Tan’s problems. “Maybe I should surrender to Cao Cao,” he said, in public.
Shen Pei frowned at that spy report and pursed his lips.
“If he teams up with Cao Cao, I’m dead!” said Shang.
“Thanks, Yuan Obvious,” said Shen Pei. “You’re going to have to go help him now. Xu You and I will hold the fort.”
“Didn’t Xu You defect to Cao Cao two chapters ago?”
“Continuity error,” shrugged Shen Pei. “I guess I’ll do it on my own.”
Shang set out with his army, sending the Lu brothers Xiang and Kuang in advance. They and their thirty thousand redshirts soon rendezvoused with Tan at Liyang.
“I knew my brother would come through!” said Tan. He started preparing for Cao Cao’s attack, and while they were at it, there was more good news for the Yuans. Xi and Cousin Gao showed up with their own armies, and the Yuanited army faced off against Cao Cao.
They all had a massive losing streak, and soon they had to retreat back to Jizhou. Tan and Shang went into the city, and Xi and Cousin Gao camped outside to help if the city got attacked. This worked out pretty well for them. Cao Cao made several attacks, but they managed to fight him off every time.
“I have an idea,” said Guo Jia one day.
“Oh, you do?” said Cao Cao, who was running out of them. “What is it?”
Guo Jia held up a bag of microwave popcorn.
“Oh?”
“There’s no point in attacking them when they’re all working together,” said Guo Jia. “Let’s leave them alone for a while. They’ll do a better job killing each other than we ever will. Let’s go attack Liu Biao instead.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” said Cao Cao. He left Jia Xu in charge at Liyang and Cao Hong at Guandu, and want off to Jingzhou.
The Yuans all high-fived when he left, and when they were sure he was gone, Xi and Cousin Gao went home with their armies.
“Now what?” said Tan to Guo Tu and Xin Ping.
“Let’s go with an old classic,” said Guo Tu. “Banquet assassination.”
“Great plan!” said Tan. Just then, another one of his employees came in, late to the plot party.
“You can’t seriously plan to kill your own brother!” said Wang Xiu. “First of all, that’s evil. Second, you’re going to get attacked again if you can’t stick together. This Guo Tu guy is a bad influence.”
“STFU,” said Tan, and fired Wang Xiu. He sent his brother a fancy invitation letter.
“Obvious assassination plot is obvious,” said Shen Pei. “Boss, you have to fight him now.”
Shang marched out with fifty thousand soldiers, and Tan, knowing the jig was up, went off to fight him.
“You poisoned Dad!” shouted Tan.
“Excuse me!” Shang yelled back. “That was left ambiguous! Fuck off.” Shang personally charged in, and Tan and his army got beaten badly. They had to retreat to Pingyuan, where they sent out General Cen Bi to attack Shang. Lu Kuang skewered him without breaking a sweat, and soon Pingyuan was surrounded on three sides.
“This isn’t going well,” said Tan, and Guo Tu nodded. “It’s probably time to surrender to Cao Cao. Ask him to attack Jizhou. Shang will go defend it, and you can attack him from behind as he leaves. With a little luck, you might even capture him. Then when Cao Cao starts winning, you backstab him, team up with Shang, and fight him off.”
“That makes complete sense!” said Tan enthusiastically. “No possible way it could backfire. Do we have a good mailman?”
“We have Xin Ping’s little brother Pi,” said Guo Tu, and soon Xin Pi was on his way with some letters. He ran into Cao Cao at Xiping Pass, where Cao Cao and Liu Bei (who had to do something to earn his keep at Liu Biao’s) were glowering at each other without fighting.
Cao Cao heard Xin Pi out, then called a meeting.
“Yeah, this seems super legit,” snorted Cheng Yu. “They’re tearing each other to pieces, just like the plan. Ignore him.”
“He’s right,” chimed in Lu Qian and Man Chong. “Plus, we’re busy with Liu Biao.”
Little Xun held up his hand. “Guys, guys. None of you are looking at the big picture. Liu Biao hasn’t attacked anyone since Chapter 7. He’s just chilling in his own borders, not trying to take over the world like everybody else. We don’t need to worry too much about him. The Yuans are the ones who need to get taken out. This is our chance.”
“Little Xun’s right,” said Cao Cao. “Let’s take the deal.” He threw a party for Xin Pi, got him a little tipsy, then asked the question bluntly.
“Does your boss really mean it?”
“Who cares?” said Xin Pi. “The Yuan boys are at each other’s throats. Tan is offering you a chance to off Shang, and he’ll help you. You should take it.”
“You. I like you,” said Cao Cao. He packed up his army and headed back for Jizhou, leaving Liu Bei to wonder what the hell just happened.
Shang soon heard that Cao Cao was moving his way, and hurried back to Jizhou leaving the Lus to cover his back. Tan went chasing after him, when suddenly a bomb went off. A line of redshirts blocked his way, and Lu Xiang and Lu Kuang rode out in front.
Tan rode out to talk to them. “We used to be friends, didn’t we? But the moment my dad died, you started supporting my asshole little brother. What did I do wrong?”
The Lus looked at each other guiltily, then got off their horses and bowed. “We’re really sorry.”
“Well, forget about it,” said Tan. “But I’ve surrendered to Cao Cao, so you should surrender to him too.”
Cao Cao soon arrived, and after some nice photo-ops and promising his daughter to Tan, they got down to business.
“So when will you attack Jizhou?” said Tan.
“All in good time,” said Cao Cao. “First, I’m building a canal between River Ji and the White River, for my supply ships.” He hunkered down at Liyang, taking the Lus with him and giving them titles. Tan was ordered to stay at Pingyuan.
“This is suspicious,” said Guo Tu. “Have some general’s seals made and sent to the Lus. You need them on your side.”
Tan did that, but as soon as the Lus got the seals they told Cao Cao everything.
“Good boys,” said Cao Cao. “Take the seals and let him think you’re his friends. We’ll deal with Shang first, then I’ll tell you what to do.”
Meanwhile, Shang was consulting Shen Pei as usual. “What do we do now?”
“We write to Yin Kai and Ju Gu,” said Shen Pei.
“Who are those guys?”
“They haven’t been introduced yet,” explained Shen Pei. “Ask Yin Kai to block the road to Shangdang, and Ju Gu – he’s Ju Shou’s kid – to hold Hangdang. Then you take the main army and attack Pingyuan.”
Shang set out with his generals Ma Yan and Zhang Yi, leaving Shen Pei and Chen Lin to hold Yejun. “Cao Cao! Help!” said Tan, and when Cao Cao got the message he twirled his mustache and cackled.
Little Xun arrived around then. “Boss, what are you waiting for? They’re not going to just suddenly die.”
“Well, number one, they just might,” said Cao Cao. “Did you see how their dad and uncle ended up? Anyway, I have a plan.”
Xu Chu and Zhang Liao killed Yin Kai and Ju Gu respectively, and Cao Cao absorbed their armies. He marched to the besieged Yejun, where Cao Hong waved a shovel at him. “Hey, boss! We’re digging everything up. Everything.”
Cao Cao looked around at the huge mounds of dirt and tunnel openings. “Wow. You’ve done something right for once.”
Cao Cao kept up the digging, while Shen Pei ran around playing literal whack-a-mole and tearing his hair out. One day, Commandant Feng Li got drunk and slept through a shift.
“This is literally life and death!” roared Shen Pei, and gave Feng Li a beating he wouldn’t forget.
“Fuck this,” said Feng Li. He sneaked out and went over to Cao Cao. “You know the Pearly Gate? You can totally dig your way in there.”
“It’s actually called the Pearly Gate?” said Cao Cao. “Sounds like bad luck to me. You do it.”
Shen Pei was no fool, and doubled the guard as soon as he realized that Feng Li was gone. He soon sniffed out the tunnel and dropped huge rocks on it, burying the traitor alive.
“I knew it!” said Cao Cao. “Screw digging. We’ll wait for Shang to come back, then beat him on open ground.”
Shang was indeed planning to come back, but Ma Yan convinced him to take the sneaky way around. Cao Cao heard about it anyway.
“I bet he’ll start a fire to signal the Yejun garrison to attack,” said Cao Cao, and made some more secret preparations.
Shang built a bonfire to do exactly that. Then, he dressed up a Li Fu, one of his paper pushers, as one of Cao Cao’s officers and sent him to sneak into the city. Li Fu made it through, and Shen Pei started to build a signal fire of his own.
“Send out the civilians to surrender,” said Li Fu. “Cao Cao will let them through, since he cares about PR. Then the soldiers will come rushing out. He’ll never expect it.”
The next day, Cao Cao saw a bunch of women, children, and old people coming out waving white flags. He looked at his watch. “The soldiers will come rushing out in… one minute, forty-seven seconds… Zhang Liao, Xu Huang, ambush positions.”
Shen Pei’s soldiers ran right into the ambush, turned around, and ran back. Cao Cao chased after them, but the snipers on the walls were covering the retreat. Cao Cao got an arrow right through his hat. “Run away!”
When his army had regrouped and Cao Cao had put on a fresh pair of pants, he was fuming. “Okay, we’re attacking Shang right now!”
Shang tried to defend the camp, but he was heavily outclassed and had to retreat. “Ma Yan! Zhang Yi! Cover me!” he cried, but unfortunately for him they had surrendered to Cao Cao offscreen. Shang made a break for it, and meanwhile the two latest traitors and the Lus were destroying his supplies. He sent a message of surrender.
“Oh, I accept,” giggled Cao Cao, and that night he attacked again. Shang gave up completely and fled into the mountains, and Cao Cao turned his attention back to Jizhou City.
“There’s a convenient river,” pointed out Little Xun. “Let’s drown them out. It worked with Lu Bu.”
Cao Cao’s men broke out the shovels again, as Shen Pei watched from the city walls.
“That’s a huge job,” said Shen Pei. “He needs more diggers, and it’s not like he has thousands of redshirts or anything. We’ll be fine.”
That night, Cao Cao added more diggers, and the next morning Jizhou City was getting flooded out fast.
Xin Pi happened to have gone through Shang’s drawers when he’d run away. He put Shang’s underwear on a stick and waved it like a flag.
“Haw, haw!” he shouted. “I have your boss’ undies!”
“Oh yeah?” said Shen Pei, angrily. “I have your family!”
Xin Pi turned pale. “Oh, shit. I forgot.”
Shen Pei had all the Xins dragged onto the walls and executed. To make things worse, he threw all their heads at Xin Pi.
Shen Pei’s nephew Rong happened to be a friend of Xin Pi’s. “Holy overreaction, Batman,” he gasped, and, scribbling a letter, tied it to an arrow and shot it over the wall. Xin Pi brought it straight to Cao Cao, who smiled.
“We’re taking over the city tonight,” he said. “Set up my big screen. I have a powerpoint to deliver.”
The soldiers listened to the PR speech for the millionth time and nodded dutifully. “Spare the family and anyone who surrenders. Got it.”
Shen Rong opened the gate the next day, and Xin Pi led the charge in. Shen Pei tried to fight, but was captured in seconds. Xin Pi started whipping him in the face, but Shen Pei just blew a raspberry.
“Shut up, Xin Pi,” said Cao Cao. “Shen Pei, did you know, it was your own nephew who betrayed the city?”
“The little shit!” snarled Shen Pei.
“Yup,” said Cao Cao. “So why did you try to shoot me?”
“Because you were attacking, duh,” said Shen Pei. “I wish we’d hit you.”
“You were just doing your job. I respect that,” said Cao Cao. “Want a new job?”
“What!” screamed Xin Pi. “He killed my whole family! Kill him!”
“Fuck off,” said Shen Pei. “I actually cared about the Yuans, unlike you. Even before you betrayed them, you were just looking for a paycheck! Hey, Cao Cao, just execute me already.”
“As you wish,” shrugged Cao Cao.
“Guards, let me face north while I die, okay?” said Shen Pei. “That’s where my master is.”
Cao Cao nodded to the guards, who granted that last request.
“He was a loyal man,” said Cao Cao. “Bury him honourably, facing his master like he wanted.”
“His master moves around,” pointed out a guard.
“Then leave him room to spin in his grave,” said Cao Cao. “Hurry up, I have a city to take.” Just then, some more executioners walked by, dragging Chen Lin with them.
“Hang on a minute, I didn’t order that,” said Cao Cao. “Chen Lin, weren’t you the one who wrote the big anti-me manifesto in Chapter 22?”
“Yup.”
“You insulted my grandpa,” said Cao Cao.
Chen Lin shrugged. “We live in an aristocracy. That’s how manifestos work.”
“Kill him!” said all of Cao Cao’s employees within earshot. Cao Cao just laughed. “Are you kidding? That screed was hilarious! I use the best quotes as my email signature. Chen Lin, I’m offering you a job.”
While Cao Cao was slapping a relieved Chen Lin on the back, his teenaged son Cao Pi was charging into the city.
Cao Pi frowned at the narrator. “Just FYI, when I was born there was a purple cloud over the house, so I’ll be emperor one day,” he interrupted.
“Okay,” said the narrator.
“And I was a child prodigy. Plus, I’m great at fighting.”
“I’ll work it in,” said the narrator testily, and scribbled it into the margin. “Get on with it.”
Cao Pi rode up to the Yuan’s house with his personal guard, and found some of his dad’s soldiers guarding it.
“Let me in!” he shouted. “I’ve got raping and looting to do!”
“But your dad’s PR speech,” said the guards nervously, and Cao Pi snorted. “Fuck off. I’m going in.” He pulled out his sword and charged into the lady’s room, where he saw two women crying.
Cao Pi raised his sword.
Saxo Dramaticus 