“Hang on a minute,” said Liu Bei. “All we know is that some guy with a red face and a long beard is attacking you. There are a lot of guys like that! You can’t just assume it’s my brother.”
“Oh, you’re right,” said Yuan Shao apologetically. “Ju Shou, don’t scare me for no reason. Dumbass. Here, Liu Bei, sit beside me. Got any plans for avenging Yan Liang?”
“He was my best friend!” shouted someone else. “Let me go avenge him!” It was Wen Chou, another of Yuan Shao’s generals.
“Sure,” said Yuan Shao. “Take another hundred thousand redshirts and go kick some ass.”
“That isn’t going to work,” warned Ju Shou. “We need to hold this position and attack on another front. You know, actually use our numerical advantage.”
“That’s boring,” said Yuan Shao. “Why do you keep delaying me? You’re making the army lose its momentum.”
Ju Shou stomped out. “That’s really rich, coming from Mr. Scabies. Screw this.” He called in sick for every meeting after that.
“Say,” said Liu Bei. “I’ve been chilling at your place this whole time, and I haven’t done anything to pay you back. How about I join Wen Chou?”
“Sure,” said Yuan Shao. “You guys can be co-commanders.”
“How about no?” said Wen Chou. “This guy’s spent the last 25 chapters getting his ass kicked. He’s definitely bad luck. He can be in charge of the rear guard, if you like. They’re basically the coal mine canaries.”
“Okay by me,” shrugged Yuan Shao, and everybody headed out.
Back in Cao Cao’s camp, an impressed Cao Cao was just giving Guan Yu another title (Lord of the Hanshou Gazebo, this time) when they heard that Yuan Shao’s army was approaching.
“Okay, I got this,” he said. “First, move out the civilians. Second, turn around. Move all of our supplies to the front.”
“What?” said Lu Qian.
“Well, if we put them in the back, they might get stolen while we aren’t looking,” explained Cao Cao.
“So you put them close to the enemy instead?”
“I know what I’m doing,” said Cao Cao.
While Lu Qian worried himself sick, the army moved along. Soon, the troops in front raised the alarm. “Wen Chou’s army is coming!”
“That’s fine,” said Cao Cao. “Let’s hide behind these hills over here.” When the redshirts were all behind the hills, Cao Cao gave new orders. “Take off your armour. And turn your horses loose.”
“Are you insane?”
“Do it!”
The redshirts followed the orders and watched nervously as Wen Chou’s army approached. They got nearer and nearer. “Shouldn’t we leave now?”
Little Xun facepalmed. “You guys. The horses are obviously bait.”
Cao Cao winked at Little Xun and put his finger to his lips.
Yuan Shao’s soldiers saw the horses and started collecting them. Soon, they broke ranks and were all running around chasing down broncos.
“Now we attack!” yelled Cao Cao. His army rushed in and caught Wen Chou’s troops completely by surprise. Wen Chou was forced to run away. Cao Cao pointed him out. “Whoever catches him wins!”
Zhang Liao looked at Xu Huang. “Race you.”
Wen Chou looked back at the two guys chasing him and decided that the Dr. Jones Strategy of Swordfighting was probably his best bet. He pulled out a bow and arrow.
“No fair!” shouted Xu Huang. “Fight us two-on-one like an honourable warrior!”
Wen Chou ignored him and shot at Zhang Liao, who ducked and had his hat taken off by the arrow. Irritated, Wen Chou shot again and headshotted Zhang Liao’s horse, which collapsed and threw off its rider. With things evened out a little, Wen Chou turned around to face Xu Huang, who was brandishing a massive axe.
Xu Huang growled, but then looked behind Wen Chou and saw some more horsemen arriving. “Tag-teaming? No fair!” He turned and ran. Wen Chou chased after him, when suddenly a new warrior rode in. Guan Yu charged straight at Wen Chou, and soon he was running away again, but unfortunately for him Guan Yu was faster.
Cao Cao cheered from the hillside and ordered the whole army forward. Wen Chou’s men scattered and fled, many of them drowning in the river.
Liu Bei then ambled in, late to the battle. “The red-faced beardy guy is here!” the redshirts shouted.
Liu Bei got out his binoculars and looked over at the enemy. To his surprise, he saw a large sign reading “Guan Yu Is Here.”
“Thank Heaven he’s safe!” muttered Liu Bei. “And it looks like he’s gone over to Cao Cao, our mortal enemy. Cool.” He tried to get close enough to get Guan Yu’s attention, but Cao Cao’s attacking army got in the way and he had to retreat.
Yuan Shao soon showed up with the bulk of the army. Guo Tu and Shen Pei went to see him at once. “That’s definitely Guan Yu,” they said. “He’s literally carrying a big sign with his name on it. Liu Bei is pretending like he doesn’t see it.”
“What!” said Yuan Shao. Just then, Liu Bei wandered in. “The long-eared jerk! Executioners, kill him!”
“Wow, rude,” said Liu Bei. “I’m sensitive about my ears, okay? And what did I do?”
“You had your brother kill my generals!”
“I didn’t!” protested Liu Bei. “Cao Cao put him up to it, to make you mad at me.”
“That makes sense,” said Yuan Shao, calming down. “You guys, stop trying to make me kill people! Scram.” He looked at Liu Bei and patted the seat beside him.
“Thanks,” said Liu Bei, sitting down nervously. “How about I send a secret message to my brother? He’ll definitely come over to our side and fill in for both of those guys.”
“Absolutely,” said Yuan Shao, and Liu Bei wrote a note. “Do we have any mailmen?”
“Nope.”
So that plan was a bust. Yuan Shao hunkered down, and Cao Cao took Guan Yu home to the capital, leaving Xiahou Dun in charge. He threw a bunch of parties for Guan Yu. “Oh, Lu Qian? Yeah, the horse thing was bait. I’m not sure why Little Xun was the only one who figured that out.”
While all his employees were telling Cao Cao how smart he was, a messenger came in. “The Yellow Scarves are back, and they’re kicking Cao Hong’s ass at Runan.”
“Goddammit,” said Cao Cao. “They’re like bedbugs.”
“I can exterminate them for you,” said Guan Yu.
“But you just killed some guys for me,” said Cao Cao.
“I’m bored though,” said Guan Yu.
“Yeah, okay,” said Cao Cao. “Take Yu Jin and Yue Jin and some redshirts.”
“Boss,” whispered Big Xun. “He paid back your favour. If you let him go, he might not come back.”
“It’s the last time, okay?” Cao Cao whispered back.
Guan Yu and his borrowed redshirts soon reached Runan and started entrenching. One night, the guards dragged two men in. “General, we caught some spies!”
“Awesome,” said Guan Yu, and was about to order them to be interrogated when the left one caught his eye. “Get that one on the right out of here. Leave me alone with this guy.” The guards filed out.
“Sun Qian?” said Guan Yu. “How did you get here?”
Sun Qian rubbed his wrists. “I’ve been on the run, trying to keep my head down. These Yellow Scarf guys Liu Pi and Gong Du offered me a job, and I didn’t really have any other options. Why are you working for Cao Cao?”
“Long story,” said Guan Yu uncomfortably.
“Are the boss’ wives okay?”
“They’re fine,” said Guan Yu, and told him the whole sob story.
“I know where Liu Bei is,” said Sun Qian. “He’s with Yuan Shao. These Yellow Scarves are actually helping Yuan Shao against Cao Cao, so I pretended to be a spy in order to get a chance to talk to you. We’ve got the whole thing worked out. Liu Pi and Gong Du will fold, and then you take the ladies and run to Yuan Shao.”
“Well, you have some great big brass ones,” said Guan Yu. “But I don’t know if that will work. I killed a couple of Yuan Shao’s top generals. It could be really awkward.”
“How’s this: I go scout things out for you, and let you know how it looks,” said Sun Qian.
“Perfect,” said Guan Yu. “But I need to say bye to Cao Cao first.”
“Why?” said Sun Qian incredulously.
“Honour!” answered Guan Yu.
The next day, Guan Yu faced off against Gong Du. “Why are you rebelling against the government!” he shouted.
“You’re one to talk!” Gong Du yelled back. “You betrayed your own brother!”
“Did not!” cried Guan Yu.
“Did too!” snapped Gong Du. “You’re working for Cao Cao while he’s with Yuan Shao!”
“The hell?” said Guan Yu. “How does everybody in China know where Liu Bei is except me?”
He charged at Gong Du, who ran away. “Don’t forget your brother!” Gong Du called over his shoulder. “I’ll retreat, okay?”
The rebels all ran screaming theatrically, and Guan Yu took over Runan easily. He marched back to the capital triumphantly, and went to talk to his sisters-in-law.
“Did you find out where Uncle Liu Bei is?” they asked eagerly.
“No, no idea,” he fibbed, and left as the ladies burst into tears. “Liu Bei must be dead,” sniffed Lady Gan. “And he’s keeping it from us.”
“Ladies, calm down,” said one of the guards. “Your husband is hiding out with Yuan Shao.”
“How do you know?” they asked, startled, and the guard rolled his eyes. “Literally everyone knows.”
“Guan Yu! Get back over here!” the ladies hollered. He turned around sheepishly.
“Why are you telling us lies? Are you having too much fun living the high life with Cao Cao?”
“No!” he said hastily. “I just want to keep it a secret.”
“Even the random guards know,” said Liu Bei’s wives. “We need to get out of here, ASAP.”
Since at this point everyone knew where Liu Bei was, Cao Cao sent Zhang Liao to feel Guan Yu out.
“Hey, man,” said Zhang Liao. “I hear you not only kicked ass, but learned where your brother is! Congratulations.”
“I didn’t get a chance to see him, though,” said Guan Yu glumly.
“What’s so special about him?”
“Look, I like you and all,” said Guan Yu, “but Liu Bei and I – we’re brothers. I can’t explain it in words.”
“So are you going to go join him?”
“Duh,” said Guan Yu.
“Yeah, he’s leaving,” said Zhang Liao to Cao Cao.
“Hmm, time to think of more delaying tactics,” said Cao Cao. While everybody was thinking, a mailman knocked on Guan Yu’s door.
“You’re not the usual mailman,” frowned Guan Yu.
“No, my name’s Chen Zhen. I work for Yuan Shao. He finally found a mailman to deliver this letter,” said the man, and handed him a note.
Aren’t we brothers? Do you not like me any more or something?
Guan Yu burst into tears. “How can he think that? I just didn’t know where he was!”
“It’s fine,” said Chen Zhen. “Just hustle out of here and explain everything to him. He really misses you.”
“I can’t just sneak out, though,” said Guan Yu. “I really can’t leave without giving Cao Cao a proper goodbye.”
“What the hell?” said Chen Zhen. “He won’t let you go!”
“Then I guess I’ll commit suicide or something,” said Guan Yu. He wrote a reply to Liu Bei.
No, seriously bro, I still love you. I was just trying to protect your wives. I’ll get to you as soon as I can.
Guan Yu stopped to give his sisters-in-law the good news, then knocked on Cao Cao’s door. Cao Cao had scrawled a “Not at Home” sign, so he was forced to turn away. That night, he got his bags all packed, and ordered all the servants to leave behind everything Cao Cao had given him. “Except Red-Hare, of course,” he added hastily. “I want him.”
The next day Cao Cao’s sign was still there, and the next. He tried Zhang Liao, but his friend only looked through the peephole. “I’m, uh, sick!” he called out awkwardly.
“Screw this,” said Guan Yu, finally. He headed out with his sisters-in-law and the soldiers he had brought to the capital with him, leaving behind all of Cao Cao’s bribes and his ‘Lord of the Hanshou Gazebo’ badge. Except for Red-Hare. That horse was seriously awesome. The guards at the gates opened them up when he started yelling at them, and they all got the hell away from Xuchang.
The next day, Cao Cao went into Guan Yu’s abandoned mansion, and found all the treasure and hot chicks lying around in a pile. On top of the pile was a post-it note saying “See you later.”
“Fuck,” said Cao Cao.
“Don’t worry,” said Cai Yang, one of his generals. “I’ll take three thousand redshirts and go bring him back.”
Saxo Dramaticus 