“What’s your plan?” asked Yuan Shu.
“Simple,” said Yang Daijang. “Attack him. But this time, actually pay off Lu Bu.”
“Good idea,” agreed Yuan Shu, and sent Han Yin to Lu Bu at the head of a cavalcade of two hundred thousand trucks of grain. “Well, that’s done,” he said. “Ji Ling, take Lei Bo and Chen Lan with you and go back to the field.”
“Oh shit,” said Liu Bei. “Zhang Fei, Sun Qian, any ideas!”
“Fight!” shouted Zhang Fei.
“No, bad idea,” said Sun Qian. “We’re no match for them. Why not ask Lu Bu for help?”
“You have to be kidding,” said Zhang Fei.
“It’s worth a try,” said Liu Bei. He scribbled “Halp!” on a piece of paper and sent it over to Lu Bu.
“Hmm,” said Lu Bu, and sent for Chen Gong. “Hey, smart guy! Liu Bei wants me to help him against Yuan Shu. You know, I’m actually considering it, bribe or no bribe. Yuan Shu is a scary guy, and if he takes over Xiaopei, I’m probably next.”
Chen Gong stared at Lu Bu. “That… actually makes a lot of sense.”
Yuan Shu’s massive army was facing down Liu Bei’s tiny one, and Liu Bei was trying to put on a brave show when Lu Bu arrived.
“The hell?” said Ji Ling. “We bribed him! No honest men, these days.” He sent Lu Bu a letter asking him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Lu Bu only laughed.
“I know how to make both of them love me,” he said. “Wait, that came out wrong.” He invited them both to a party.
“There’s a 99% chance that’s a trap,” said Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, when Liu Bei showed them the invitation.
“Nah, I’ve always been nice to him. Why would he attack me?”
“He imprisoned your family just two chapters ago.”
“That was a misunderstanding,” said Liu Bei, “Anyway, he’s my only hope.” And he rode off to the party. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked at each other, then followed.
Lu Bu greeted them warmly. “I’m getting you out of this jam,” he said. “Don’t forget it.”
“Thanks,” said Liu Bei, and was just taking a seat when Ji Ling was announced. He jumped up in terror.
“Calm down!” said Lu Bu. “I’m trying to bring you guys to the table, okay?” Ji Ling walked in, saw Liu Bei, and backed out of the tent.
“Come back here!” said Lu Bu, chasing him down. He yanked Ji Ling back into the tent.
“Are you trying to kill me?” said Ji Ling.
“No, no no,” said Lu Bu.
“Are you trying to kill Long Ears over there?”
Lu Bu facepalmed. “No, goddammit.”
“Then what the hell?” demanded Ji Ling. “We’re enemies. This is super awkward.”
“Look, he’s my friend. I’m trying to give him a hand here.”
“Fine, then just kill me already!” snapped Ji Ling.
“Is it so hard to just talk about your problems?” said Lu Bu. “I hate fighting, I just want to make peace like I always do.”
Ji Ling stared. “You. Want peace. Hate fighting.”
“You’re in my tent,” said Lu Bu. “Sit the fuck down and eat your dinner!” He pushed Ji Ling beside Liu Bei, thought better of it, and sat down between them. They ate several courses in a tense silence.
Lu Bu finished up his plate and belched. “There. Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Now both of you, listen to me and stop fighting.”
“Stop?” said Ji Ling. “I came here under orders, with a hundred thousand guys. I can’t just stop.”
“A hundred thousand, eh?” burst out Zhang Fei. “I’ll have you know, we took on a million Yellow Scarves, and won!”
Guan Yu kicked him under the table. “Listen to Lu Bu, you idiot.”
Lu Bu banged the table. “You two have to make peace. I’m not asking, I’m telling. Bring me my trident halberd!”
He stood up and waved his huge halberd over the table, while Liu Bei and Ji Ling peed themselves quietly. “Now, I’m going to make a little bet.” He handed the halberd to a servant. “Set this up by the gateway, will you?” The servant dashed off.
“The gateway is a hundred and fifty paces away,” he said, and pulled out a bow and arrow. “What, you thought I was done with pulling weapons out at the table? Wrong.” He pointed at the halberd. “Suppose I hit the left tip of the halberd from here. If I do it, you both go home quietly. If I miss, have at it. If you don’t want to bet, well -” He leveled the bow to the table.
“He’ll never manage it,” thought Ji Ling, trembling, and agreed. Liu Bei nodded, very pale.
“Glad we’re all on the same page,” said Lu Bu. “Now, let’s all do a round of shots.”
Liu Bei’s eyes widened as the servants set glasses in front of all three of them. Lu Bu knocked his back immediately and glared at them. “I said DRINK!”
Liu Bei and Ji Ling obediently drank.
“There,” said Lu Bu, and picked up his bow. He rolled up his sleeves, notched an arrow, and released. The arrow soared through the air, and stuck in the very point of the left tip of the halberd.
There was a moment of dead silence, and then the entire camp burst into cheers. Lu Bu laughed. “Looks like I win the bet!” he smiled, and ordered several more rounds of drinks.
Liu Bei sat shaking with relief, and Ji Ling put his face in his hands. “What the heck will I tell Yuan Shu?”
Lu Bu brushed it off. “I’ll send him a letter explaining everything, don’t worry. Now drink up!” Ji Ling didn’t need to be told twice, and downed several shots in rapid succession.
“Look, I told you once already, but you’d better not forget this,” said Lu Bu to Liu Bei as he left.
“How could I ever forget this?” said Liu Bei.
Meanwhile, Ji Ling rode to Yuan Shu and sheepishly told him the whole story.
“I can’t believe it,” roared Yuan Shu. “I bribed him, and he does this? I’ll kill both him and Liu Bei!”
“Boss… maybe not,” said Ji Ling. “You have no idea how scary that guy is. Instead, why not ask for his daughter to marry your son, and get him on your side that way?”
“That could work,” said Yuan Shu, and sent Han Yin with more presents and a marriage proposal.
Lu Bu stroked his chin. “I’ll have to ask my wife about it.” He went to consult her. “What do you think? Are the Yuans good enough for our baby girl?”
“Depends,” said his wife. “They’re rich and powerful. Is this an eldest son, or a lame younger son?”
“He’s the only son,” said Lu Bu.
“Awesome,” said his wife. “Maybe she’ll even be Empress one day!”
So Lu Bu agreed to the marriage and sent Han Yin back with more gifts. He started the wedding planning immediately.
Chen Gong intercepted Han Yin on the way. “Now, who came up with this plot against Liu Bei?” he said.
Han Yin blanched. “I guess the jig is up,” he said. “Please don’t tell on us.”
“I won’t,” said Chen Gong. “Don’t you blab either. This is a really serious situation.”
“I’ll do whatever you say,” said Han Yin.
“You? Just do your job. I’ll take care of the Lu Bu end.” Chen Gong went off to talk to Lu Bu. “So, when’s the happy day?”
“We don’t have a date yet,” said Lu Bu.
“Well,” said Chen Gong, “normally emperors wait a year, nobles six months, government workers three months, regular people one month.”
“Yuan Shu has the Imperial Hereditary Seal, so I guess use the emperor’s rule?” said Lu Bu.
“No,” said Chen Gong.
“Nobles then -” began Lu Bu, but Chen Gong stopped him. “Forget all that. Don’t you realize that everyone hates you? The longer you wait the likelier it is that the bride will get kidnapped on her way to the wedding. We should never have gotten into this mess, but since we’re in it now, better have the wedding ASAP before anyone finds out.”
Lu Bu gaped. “I never thought of that.” He ran off to tell his wife, and they started packing up her clothes and getting her trousseau together right away. Hastily, they bundled their daughter into the limousine and sent her off with Han Yin, with the two generals Song Xian and Wei Xu as her escort.
Chen Deng’s old father, Chen Gui, heard them playing “Here comes the bride,” outside and asked the servants what was going on. “Crap,” he said. “This is a plot against Liu Bei.”
He went straight to Lu Bu. “You are totally dead,” he said. “Yuan Shu is going to attack your buffer Liu Bei, and then demand all your stuff. If you give it to him, you’ll be weakened and everyone else will attack you. If you refuse, he’ll have an excuse to attack you.”
“Oh, shit,” said Lu Bu. “Shit. You have a point.” He sent his general Zhang Liao to chase down the bridal procession, which was already ten miles away. When they returned, he locked up Han Yin and sent excuses to Yuan Shu.
“You should send that Han Yin guy to the capital,” said Chen Gui.
“Wait, why?” said Lu Bu, and Chen Gui was trying to come up with a plausible explanation when a distraction came in.
“Liu Bei is recruiting soldiers and buying horses!” said the messenger breathlessly.
“Um, good?” said Lu Bu. “He’s a warlord. That’s perfectly normal.”
“No, but he stole a hundred and fifty of your horses!” said Song Xian and Wei Xu. “We were just going through the mountains with the new batch of horses, when Zhang Fei and his crew arrived and stole them!”
“He did what?” said Lu Bu, and set out with his army.
“Wait, why are you attacking me?” said Liu Bei as Lu Bu stomped in.
“I save your ass, and you repay me by stealing my horses? You asshole!” shouted Lu Bu.
“Who, me?” began Liu Bei innocently, when Zhang Fei butted in. “Yeah, I stole your horses. What are you going to do about it, huh?”
“Dude, what the hell is your problem?” said Lu Bu.
“You stole my brother’s city. Why shouldn’t I steal your horses?” yelled Zhang Fei, and the two began hurling punches. The fight went on for a while, until Liu Bei got nervous and sounded a retreat.
Liu Bei cornered Zhang Fei in the city. “How many times,” he said, tearing at his hair, “are you planning on doing this? Can you go for five minutes without doing anything stupid? You’re going to get us all killed!”
Zhang Fei looked at his feet, and Liu Bei shook him. “The horses. Where are the bloody horses?”
“In the temples,” muttered Zhang Fei, and Liu Bei groaned. “Oh, so you’re pissing off the gods too. Nice job.”
He sent a messenger to Lu Bu to tell him that he would return the horses.
“I guess that’s fine, then,” said Lu Bu, but Chen Gong shook his head vigorously. “How much crap are you going to take from this guy, boss? Deal with him now, or you’ll regret it.”
“You’re probably right,” sighed Lu Bu, and continued attacking.
Liu Bei called in his smart guys. “Mi Zhu? Sun Qian? What are we gonna do?”
“Cao Cao hates Lu Bu,” pointed out Sun Qian. “Maybe he’ll help us. We should all get out of here and go to him.”
“Wait a minute,” said Mi Zhu. “He was just trying to get us and Lu Bu to kill each other, and now that we are killing each other, you think he’ll be happy to have an entire army show up on his doorstep?”
“Yup.”
“Good plan!” said Mi Zhu, and Liu Bei and his army abandoned Xiaopei and ran. Lu Bu’s troops harassed them at first, but Liu Bei’s men held them off and made a getaway.
“Meh, they’re gone,” said Lu Bu. “Mission accomplished.” He let them go and occupied Xiaopei.
Liu Bei et al. finally arrived at Xuchang and told Cao Cao their story.
“So let me get this straight: Lu Bu saved all of your butts, you repaid him by stealing his horses, and he attacked you?” said Cao Cao.
“Yep, pretty much.”
“What a dick!” said Cao Cao. “Sure, I’ll help you defeat him. For now, let’s party.”
After the party, Big Xun approached Cao Cao. “Are you seriously planning to help Liu Bei? That man is dangerous. You should kill him while you have the chance.”
Cao Cao raised his eyebrows and let the awkward silence continue until Big Xun left. Then, Guo Jia came in.
“So, some people are saying that I should kill Liu Bei,” said Cao Cao. “What do you think?”
“Bad idea,” said Guo Jia. “Your PR is really important, and Liu Bei is inexplicably popular. If you kill him, you’ll look like a jerk.”
“Yeah, I thought so,” said Cao Cao, and got the Emperor to put Liu Bei in charge of Yuzhou.
“That guy’s going to backstab you one of these days,” said Cheng Yu.
“Probably,” admitted Cao Cao, “but he’s good at what he does. Might as well use him.” He gave Liu Bei food and soldiers and sent him to Yuzhou to prepare for an attack on Lu Bu.
Everybody was gearing up for the battle when Cao Cao got some news. “Remember that guy Zhang Ji?” said the messenger. “He got randomly killed offscreen. Now his nephew, Zhang Xiu, has taken over. He’s teamed up with Liu Biao, and Jia Xu’s working for him, too. They’re planning to attack you and kidnap the Emperor.”
Cao Cao whistled. “Again? Inconvenient timing, too. Hey, Big Xun, what should I do?”
Big Xun just laughed. “This is Lu Bu we’re talking about here. His ADHD is through the roof. Give him a promotion, tell him to kiss and make up with Liu Bei. He’ll do it.”
“Sounds good,” said Cao Cao, and sent Wang Ze to go talk to Lu Bu. Then he marched off with a hundred and fifty thousand redshirts to face Zhang Xiu.
“We’re way out of our league here,” said Jia Xu, looking at Cao Cao’s massive army. “We should just surrender.”
“Yeah, probably,” said Zhang Xiu, nervously looking at the swarm of soldiers. “Can you go talk to him?”
Jia Xu headed over to Cao Cao and cracked some jokes. “You’re a funny guy,” said Cao Cao, wiping away tears of laughter. “Want a job?”
“No, thanks,” said Jia Xu. “Zhang Xiu’s a good boss, way better than that Li Jue jerk. I’m not looking for a change right now. I’ll keep your business card, though.” He introduced Cao Cao to Zhang Xiu, and they hit it off. Everything looked to be going well, and the two sides threw some joint parties.
One day, Cao Cao came home a little tipsy. “Anyone know where I can find some hot chicks in this town?” he asked his household in general.
“I do!” said his nephew, Cao Amin. “I was being a Peeping Tom the other day, and I spotted Zhang Ji’s widow. She’s super hot.”
“Great job, nephew!” said Cao Cao. “Take some soldiers and bring her to me under armed guard.”
Soon after that perfectly normal conversation ended, the lady was being introduced to Cao Cao. “Wow, you’re asking my name first,” she said. “That means a lot. I’m Lady Zhou.”
“Ever heard of me?” said Cao Cao. She tried hard not to roll her eyes. “You’re the Prime Minister. Everybody’s heard of you.”
“I only spared your nephew because you’re so hot,” slurred Cao Cao. “Wanna go out?”
“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” she said. “Well, you’re the Prime Minister. Could be worse. Let’s at least be discreet, okay? My nephew is weirdly overprotective.”
“Sure,” said Cao Cao. “Dian Wei, mind standing right outside the door of this tent while we get it on?”
“You’re the boss,” said Dian Wei uncomfortably.
Lady Zhou discreetly didn’t go home that night, and discreetly stayed in Cao Cao’s tent in the army camp for several days. Dian Wei hung around outside the whole time, with his ear discreetly to the wall.
Zhang Xiu heard the juicy gossip about his aunt and was furious. “I’ll attack him!” he fumed.
“Look, we just finished talking about why that’s a bad idea,” said Jia Xu. “How about this instead…” he started whispering in Zhang Xiu’s ear.
The next day Zhang Xiu went to Cao Cao. “My redshirts are all running away,” he said. “Can I put them all in the middle of your guys, so it’s harder for them to escape?”
“Sure, whatever,” said Cao Cao, and headed straight back into his tent. Zhang Xiu winced and scurried away.
“Next obstacle: Dian Wei,” said Jia Xu. “That guy’s scary. Let’s ask Hu Juer, he’s almost as strong as Dian Wei. Logically, he probably knows how to defeat him.”
Hu Juer squinted. “Are you serious? Just get him drunk and steal his weapons. Anybody could have told you that.”
Zhang Xiu headed back to Cao Cao’s tent. “Hey, Dian Wei! Whatcha up to?”
“Nothing,” said Dian Wei, hastily moving away from a hole in the tent. “Why?”
“I’m throwing a party!” said Zhang Xiu. “Come have some drinks with us.”
“Uh, sure,” said Dian Wei, adjusting his robes guiltily. At the party, he was served some very spiked punch until he was out cold, and Hu Juer made off with his weapons.
That night, Cao Cao was having a romantic candlelit dinner with Lady Zhou when they heard a bunch of horsemen thundering by. “Keep it quiet out there!” called Cao Cao.
“Sorry!” answered the voice from outside. “Just the night patrol.”
Cao Cao shook his head and went back to making out. Later that night, they got interrupted again by noise and smoke. Cao Cao threw on a robe and stormed out. “Some dumbass dropped a candle,” explained a redshirt, and Cao Cao went right back to it.
A while later, Cao Cao was basking in the afterglow when he realized that no, it was a regular glow. He stuck his head out, and saw to his shock that everything was on fire. “Dian Wei, where the hell are you!” he yelled, but Dian Wei was still passed out drunk.
Fortunately for Cao Cao, the ruckus soon woke him up. “Here I am, boss!” he shouted, and felt around for his halberds. “Crap. Crap.” The enemy was charging from all sides. He grabbed a random sword and started hacking limbs off. Unfortunately for him, he hadn’t had time to get any armour on, and soon he had so many spears in him that he looked like a porcupine. It didn’t slow him down.
Nothing slowed him down, until his sword snapped in half. With a snarl, he grabbed a dead redshirt in each hand and swung them around like ragdolls. After ten of Zhang Xiu’s crack troops suffered grievous bodily harm, they gave up and tried shooting arrows from a distance instead. Still he held the gate, until someone managed to spear him through the back. With a final gasp, he collapsed.
“Is he dead?” said a redshirt.
“I..think so?” said another one. “Go check.”
“You do it,” said Redshirt One.
“Let’s wait and see,” said Redshirt Two. No one moved for a while.
Meanwhile, Cao Cao was in full Yakety Sax mode with his nephew and his eldest son Ang. Dodging arrows, sometimes unsuccessfully, they made for the river. Cao Amin got caught and killed before they reached the banks, but Cao Cao and his son made it across.
“I think we lost them -” Cao Cao was just saying, when an arrow came flying and hit his horse in the eye. “Take my horse, Dad!” shouted Cao Ang, before getting hit by several more arrows and dying. The terrified Cao Cao ran for it, and finally managed to rendezvous with his own officers.
Back in camp, Xiahou Dun’s redshirts took advantage of the chaos to get in some good old-fashioned looting. Yu Jin caught them at it and attacked them himself. They ran crying down the road to Cao Cao, who was on his way back.
“Yu Jin is rebelling!” they cried.
Cao Cao stopped dead. “Yu Jin? Why would he do that? Don’t I pay him enough?” He sighed. “Can’t trust anyone these days. Guess we’ll have to attack him.”
Yu Jin saw his boss and the rest of the company approaching in the distance. “Set up camp,” he ordered his men.
“What about explaining the situation to Cao Cao?” they said nervously.
“Zhang Xiu is attacking. It’s kind of the priority,” said Yu Jin impatiently. Sure enough, no sooner had they set up camp than Zhang Xiu arrived. Yu Jin calmly handed him his ass, and he ran off to Liu Biao, his redshirts dropping like flies.
Cao Cao arrived after everything was over. “Hey, boss,” greeted Yu Jin. “Why are you in a bathrobe?”
“Don’t ask,” grumbled Cao Cao. “Why were you killing our own guys?”
“Because they were committing war crimes, duh,” said Yu Jin. “I think Xiahou Dun fell asleep during your PR talk.”
“Wow, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” asked Cao Cao.
Yu Jin tore at his hair. “Because we were getting attacked! Am I the only person here who has his priorities straight?”
“Looks like it,” said Cao Cao, ashamed. “You did a good job there. Xiahou Dun, I’ll see you in my office.”
Everybody prepared for the funerals the next day. Cao Cao cried his eyes out. “I’m sad about my son and my nephew and everything,” he sobbed, “but to think I lost Dian Wei because I just couldn’t keep it in my pants!”
His employees all cried sympathetically, and they all trudged back to the capital.
Wang Ze’s mission to pacify Lu Bu went perfectly. While he was still in Xuzhou, another messenger came from Yuan Shu. “My boss has already declared himself Emperor,” he said. “He wants to know where the heck his daughter-in-law is.”
“He declared himself Emperor?” said Lu Bu, his eyes bulging. “That’s going way too far!” He executed the messenger on the spot and sent Chen Deng to take Han Yin and a letter to Cao Cao.
“His daughter broke up with Yuan Jr.?” said Cao Cao. “That’s great!” He had Han Yin executed, just to be a jerk.
“Look, Mr. Prime Minister,” said Chen Deng. “Lu Bu is a violent, impulsive idiot. For the good of the country, he has to go.”
“Yeah, I know,” said Cao Cao. “It’s been keeping me up at night. Props to you and your dad for keeping me informed. I couldn’t ask for better spies. I’m appointing you Governor of Guangling, and I’m giving your dad a pension of two thousand truckloads of grain a year.”
“What the heck is my dad supposed to do with two thousand truckloads of grain?” said Chen Deng. “Eh, never mind. We’ll think of something. I’ll help you get rid of Lu Bu.” And he went home.
“How did that go?” said Lu Bu.
“Awesome!” said Chen Deng. “I got a governorship, and my dad got… a lot of grain.”
“Did you get him to put me officially in charge of Xuzhou?” said Lu Bu.
“Nope.”
“What the hell? That was your mission, you self-serving jerk!” shouted Lu Bu, and waved a sword in Chen Deng’s face. Chen Deng only laughed.
“You think I’m funny?” said Lu Bu.
“No, you’re just an idiot,” giggled Chen Deng.
Lu Bu actually put down his sword. “The hell are you smoking?”
“Okay, listen,” lied Chen Deng through his teeth. “I told Cao Cao you were like a tiger, and he should feed you if he doesn’t want any trouble. He said ‘Nah, he’s more like a falcon. Keep him hungry so he catches all the weakass rabbits like the Yuans and Sun Ce and the various Lius.’”
“Wow,” said Lu Bu. “That is some really top-notch flattery. Cao Cao really understands me!”
Just then, another messenger came in. “You know how Yuan Shu wanted his daughter-in-law, stat? Yeah, he got tired of waiting. His army’s on the march.”
Saxo Dramaticus 