“I’m Mi Zhu,” said the man with the plan.
“Nice to meet you,” said Tao Qian. “No offense, but the hurricane would have been a much better cliffhanger. Still, let’s hear it.”
“Hey, I’m interesting,” said Mi Zhu, a little hurt. “I once met a fire goddess and was so nice to her that she warned me before burning my house down.”
“That’s very interesting,” said Tao Qian politely. “Now let’s hear your idea.”
“Simple. We ask for some help. I’ll go to Beihai and ask Kong Rong, and you sent someone else to go to Tien Kai of Qingzhou. With help from those guys we can definitely beat Cao Cao.”
“That could work,” said Tao Qian. He wrote some letters and sent Mi Zhu to Beihai and a man named Chen Deng to Tien Kai.
Kong Rong has a backstory, of course. He was a descendant of Confucius, and was a child prodigy who could talk his way past guards by namedropping his ancestor. If adults questioned him, he would put them down with sick burns. Still, he was quite a nice guy who would entertain just about anyone, and his house was always full of guests.
“Well, I do want to help Tao Qian,” said Kong Rong, “but I’m not on bad terms with Cao Cao, so I’ll send him a cease-and-desist letter first.”
“That won’t work,” said Mi Zhu.
“Okay, I’ll get the army out too,” said Kong Rong, and they were just mustering when suddenly Beihai was surrounded by Yellow Scarf rebels.
“You CANNOT be serious,” screamed Mi Zhu.
“Give us all your stuff,” called the rebel leader, and when Kong Rong wouldn’t, they besieged the city.
“Well crap,” said Kong Rong, and everyone hunkered down. One day, Kong Rong looked out at the besieging army and saw one man single-handedly cutting a way through them. He made it all the way to the gate.
“Let me in!” he shouted.
“This is a siege!” the guards answered. “We’re not just going to open it up.”
While they were talking a dozen rebels bum-rushed the guy, but he turned around and slaughtered them all without breaking a sweat.
“Looks like he’s on our side,” said Kong Rong. “Let him in.”
The man bowed politely to the Governor. “My name is Taishi Ci,” he said. “My mom told me to give you a hand, so here I am.”
“Oh, I know your mom! Nice lady, bakes great cookies,” said Kong Rong.
“Just give me a thousand redshirts,” said Taishi Ci eagerly. “I’ll go out and clear out the rebels for you.”
“Whoa there, buddy,” said Kong Rong. “I really appreciate your can-do attitude, but there are a lot of rebels out there.”
“You don’t understand,” said Taishi Ci. “My mom told me to help you. I’ll do it or die trying.”
“How about a compromise?” said Kong Rong, who really didn’t want nice Mrs. Taishi’s kid to get killed. “You go to Pingyuan and ask Liu Bei for help. It’s dangerous, but not suicidal.”
“That’s perfect,” said Taishi Ci. He took the letter and rode out. The rebels immediately surrounded him, but he took out his bow and killed them all with nice clean headshots. Then he rode straight to Liu Bei.
“Whoa, Kong Rong has heard of me?” said Liu Bei happily. “I’d better help him, then.” He and his brothers headed off to Beihai and promptly kicked ass – they had made their names fighting these guys, after all.
At the victory party, Mi Zhu told his story again. “Wow, that’s rough,” said Liu Bei. “Tao Qian is a nice guy. I’d love to help, but my army’s pretty small. I’ll go ask Gongsun Zan for some more troops.”
Mi Zhu began to rub his temples, while Kong Rong spoke up. “You’ll come back, right?”
Liu Bei rolled his eyes. “I’m the hero, of course I’ll keep my word.” He went off to Gongsun Zan.
“You can have two thousand redshirts,” said his old friend.
“Cool,” said Liu Bei. “Can I borrow Zhao Yun too?”
“Of course,” shrugged Gongsun Zan. So Liu Bei and his men finally headed towards Xuzhou, along with Kong Rong and his armies. Mi Zhu rode back and told Tao Qian the good news.
Just then, Chen Deng staggered back in. “Tien Kai says he’ll help too,” he said, and sat heavily in a chair.
“Dude,” said Mi Zhu. “How in the hell did I get back before you?”
“Do. Not. Ask.” said Chen Deng, and extinguished the smouldering corner of his robe.
Liu Bei and Kong Rong were a little nervous of getting too close to Cao Cao, so they camped a distance away. Cao Cao turned his armies to face them, and a standoff ensued.
“We can’t keep this up forever,” said Liu Bei. “Maybe we should talk to Tao Qian before making any plans.”
He and Zhang Fei made a dash for the city, with the others in support positions. Cao Cao’s army mobilized to stop them.
“You mad men from somewhere, where are you going?” shouted Yu Jin, their leader.
Liu Bei and Zhang Fei ignored him and burst into the city. Tao Qian was delighted and threw a welcome party for them. In the middle of the festivities, he suddenly handed Liu Bei his mayor’s chain and official seal.
“Wut” said Liu Bei. Tao Qian sighed.
“Look, I’m an old man,” he said. “Everyone’s attacking, and there’s no strong central government. You’re badass, you could protect this place. I want to abdicate my Imperial Protectorship in favour of you.”
“Who, me? I couldn’t do that,” said Liu Bei. “If you think I want the responsibility, I seriously don’t. I was just going to help you out and go home.”
“I’m begging you,” said Tao Qian, and the conversation continued for a while with Liu Bei insisting that he couldn’t possibly.
“You guys? Maybe there’s a better time for this,” said Mi Zhu, who was sporting quite a few new grey hairs.
“That’s true,” said Liu Bei. “How about I write another cease-and-desist letter?”
Mi Zhu gurgled.
“Is this guy for real?” said Cao Cao, looking at the letter. “I don’t care if the government is falling apart and there are rebellions everywhere and there are better things for my army to do. He killed my father!”
Cao Cao turned to the guards and was just making the throat-slitting gesture when another messenger came in. “Your home of Yanzhou is under attack!” he cried.
“Under attack? By whom?”
“Lu Bu,” answered the messenger.
Cao Cao whistled. “I’ve lost track of that guy. Who’s he working for these days? Last I heard, he was with Yuan Shu.”
“He was with Yuan Shu,” answered the messenger. “He pissed him off, and went to work for Yuan Shao instead.”
“Yuan Shao’s after me? That’s pretty serious,” said Cao Cao.
“No, he pissed Yuan Shao off too,” explained the messenger. “He won one battle and got such a swollen head that Yuan Shao was actually going to kill him. Like, for real. He went to work for Zhang Yang instead.”
“And let me guess,” said Cao Cao. “He pissed off Zhang Yang too.”
“You got it,” said the messenger. “He was with Zhang Miao when I left, but don’t quote me on it. He changes jobs a lot.”
Lu Bu had only just started working for Zhang Miao, so he hadn’t gotten fired yet. He arrived at Zhang Miao’s office at the same time as Chen Gong.
“Cao Cao just left his home basically undefended,” said Chen Gong. “And he’s a massive jerk who’s just asking for it. Why not attack him when he’s got his pants down?”
“Good idea!” agreed everyone, and they set out. Big Xun and Cheng Yu managed to hold onto three small counties, but Lu Bu took over everything else. Cao Ren put up a dogged fight, but it wasn’t going anywhere, so he sent the messenger who interrupted Cao Cao.
“This is kind of a big deal,” said Cao Cao. “I hate to say it, but this takes priority.” He thought for a moment. “I’ll tell Liu Bei his cease-and-desist letter worked,” he decided. “Then he’ll owe me one.”
And Cao Cao’s army packed up and went home.
A relieved Tao Qian threw a massive victory party and immediately started begging Liu Bei to take over again.
“What about your sons?” asked Liu Bei.
Tao Qian shrugged. “They kind of suck. I’m not the greatest parent. Look, I’m old and not in the best of health, and this place needs a strong leader.”
Everyone told Liu Bei to take him up on the offer, even his brothers, but Liu Bei stood firm. “I’m the hero,” he pleaded. “I can’t accept this, it’s not what heroes do. Why not ask Yuan Shu? He’s a jerk, he’ll definitely take it.”
“…Stop and think about what you just said,” said Kong Rong.
“Okay, true,” said Liu Bei. “Scratch that. But I’m not doing it.”
“Fine,” said Tao Qian. “But I really need your support here. Why don’t you guys go hang out in Xiaopei for a while? It’s just around the corner.”
“Sure thing,” said Liu Bei, and the party broke up. Zhao Yun and Liu Bei held hands and cried for a while.
Meanwhile, Cao Ren was greeting Cao Cao. “The situation’s pretty bad,” he said. “We’re barely holding onto three counties. Plus, Lu Bu has Chen Gong with him, and that guy’s pretty sharp.”
“Lu Bu isn’t sharp, though,” said Cao Cao. “Let’s sit down and think about our next move carefully.”
Mind games ensued.
Lu Bu wanted his men Xue Lan and Li Feng to hold Yanzhou while he attacked Cao Cao. Chen Gong thought they sucked. Lu Bu wanted to set up an ambush at Puyang. Chen Gong thought he should set it up on the road near the Taishan Mountains. Lu Bu thought he was in charge. Chen Gong thought Lu Bu was a dumbass. Lu Bu up and left with his army. Chen Gong sulked.
“Say, think there’s an ambush here?” said Guo Jia, as they went past the Taishan mountains.
“Nah, Lu Bu’s too dumb,” said Cao Cao. “He’s probably left that idiot Xue Lan in charge at Yanzhou, too. Cao Ren can go take care of him, while I attack Lu Bu – because I guarantee you, he’s gone to Puyang.”
“Cao Cao’s reading you like a book,” said Chen Gong. “But his army’s tired now. You should attack them before they have time to rest!”
“Eh, we got time,” said Lu Bu, and Chen Gong facepalmed.
The next day, their armies faced off.
“Lu Bu, you dick!” shouted Cao Cao. “Why did you attack me?”
“Because I felt like it!” yelled Lu Bu, and both armies sent their generals out to duel.
It was actually pretty boring, and no one even got killed. Then, Lu Bu got tired of waiting and charged out waving his halberd around.
“Oh shit!” cried Cao Cao. “Guys! Plan B! Plan B!”
Ten miles and several repeat loops of Yakety Sax later, Cao Cao’s men stopped and made another camp. “Anyone got any ideas?” asked Cao Cao.
“We could attack Lu Bu’s camp right now. They won’t be expecting it,” said Yu Jin, and Cao Cao agreed that that was a great idea.
Lu Bu was not expecting it, but Chen Gong was. “Come on, boss. When have I been wrong so far?”
“No, I should probably have listened to you earlier,” admitted Lu Bu, and prepared for an attack.
Cao Cao managed to capture Lu Bu’s western camp anyway, but then the rest of his army showed up and a full-on battle started. Around dawn, someone came dashing to Cao Cao. “Lu Bu is coming to deal with this in person!”
“Crap,” said Cao Cao, and valiantly fled for the second time in twenty-four hours.
All of his men tried to cover for him, but Lu Bu’s forces were stronger. Cao Cao galloped north, ran into a wall of soldiers, turned and ran west, and ran into even more soldiers. At that point, he had to fight. It did not go well, and he and his men were trapped.
“Help! Help!” he shouted, and out surged the enormous form of Dian Wei.
“You called?” he said, and grabbed an armful of axes. “Let me know when they’re ten paces away.”
“Uh, they already are.”
“Five, then,” he said, and when they called “Five!” he started throwing. Ten axes knocked down ten horsemen, and the rest pulled back nervously.
“There we go!” he said cheerfully, and pulled out his signature pair of 120-pound spears. Dian Wei’s awesomeness managed to get Cao Cao out of the tight spot, and they limped back towards their camp.
They were almost there when they heard a familiar voice.
“I got you now!” shouted Lu Bu.
Saxo Dramaticus 